Rather than trying to change difficult people or toxic relationships, Gurbani teaches that the solution lies entirely within your own perception and inner state. You cannot alter another person's nature (their hookum, or divine will), but you can transform how you see them—replacing automatic dislike with a recognition of divinity in all beings. When avoidance or direct communication won't work, the path forward is internal: finding the divine within yourself first, then extending that same recognition outward. In cases of genuine abuse or harm, walking away is not only acceptable but necessary for your own wellbeing and capacity to meditate.
Why the Problem Is Never the Other Person
The foundational teaching here reframes how we think about difficult people entirely. As Bhai Satpal Singh explains from the Jap Ji Sahib commentary, the core truth is this: you cannot change the other person. This is not pessimism—it is liberation. Accepting that another person's nature is fixed, shaped by their own hookum (divine order or destiny), removes the futile energy you spend trying to reform them.
The second essential insight follows: the way they are is not their doing. The same person you dislike may be beloved by many others. This discrepancy is not a failure on anyone's part. It is simply hookum—a cosmic incompatibility between your nature and theirs. Your dislike of them is not a problem to solve by changing them; it is a signal that something in you needs to shift.
When we say "the solution is within you," we mean this concretely: your mind instantly judges when someone enters the room. "I don't like that person. I remember what they did to me last time." This automatic reaction is the actual problem. The person is not the problem. Your relationship to them—your meditation on them, your dwelling on past slights—is what causes suffering.
What Does It Mean When You "Meditate" on Someone You Dislike?
There is a particular trap Bhai Satpal Singh identifies: people who we dislike become our meditation. You spend all your time thinking about them—replaying their actions, rehearsing your grievances, reinforcing your dislike. This is meditation, albeit of a destructive kind. The mind is fully absorbed, but in a loop of negativity.
The solution is to catch yourself doing this and switch the meditation. As soon as you notice yourself spiraling—"I don't like this person, I don't like this person"—consciously interrupt the pattern. Do not white-knuckle your way to positivity, but rather shift to a different internal posture entirely.
How to Shift Your Inner Posture Toward Difficult People
Guru Granth Sahib offers a specific practice. When you encounter someone you dislike, turn inward and bow down to that person in your mind. This is not emotional pretense. It is a recognition: In everything there is you. I am in love with you and to your creation I bow down.
This shift—from resistance to reverence, from judgment to bowing—fundamentally changes your internal state. When you make this switch, you do not necessarily eliminate all friction, but you release the sharp anger and resentment. You are no longer fighting the reality of who they are.
This practice is particularly powerful for people you see every day—coworkers, family members you cannot easily avoid. When you cannot change the scenario and you cannot leave, the only remaining freedom is internal.
When Should You Walk Away From a Difficult Relationship?
The teaching does not insist on suffering through every difficult relationship. Bhai Satpal Singh is explicit: if it is possible to change the scenario, change it. If you can walk away from someone, walk away. This is often easier with friendships (you simply stop calling) but much harder with family, partners, or close relatives.
However, there is a clear boundary. If a relationship is abusive—whether emotionally, physically, or psychologically—staying in it is not a spiritual practice. You cannot meditate in a scenario where you are being actively harmed. The suffering and the negativity you absorb make meditation impossible. In these cases, leaving is not a failure of spiritual practice; it is an act of self-protection that creates the conditions for actual practice.
The key distinction: if the relationship is damaging your sanity or safety, walk away. If it is merely uncomfortable or incompatible, there are other approaches to try first.
What Are the Intermediate Steps Before Walking Away?
Between full acceptance and complete separation, there are practical interventions:
- Direct, compassionate communication. Sometimes the other person genuinely does not know what they are doing to you. Converting your hatred into compassion, you might explain clearly (but not angrily) how their behavior affects you. This works best when the other person is open to feedback.
- Enlist a mutual intermediary. If direct conversation feels unsafe or futile, ask a trusted mutual friend to relay the message. Sometimes hearing it from a peer lands differently than hearing it from the person they have wronged.
- Accept that they may not change. After you have tried explanation and mediation, you may reach a point where nothing external is going to shift. At that juncture, you must return to internal work.
The Trap of Fake Spirituality and Victim Mentality
There is a subtle risk in the teaching about seeing divinity in others: you can perform it inauthentically. You can tell yourself, "There is God in you," while inwardly seething and feeling superior. This is spiritual bypassing. It does not work because it is not genuine.
The prerequisite is to know the divine within yourself first. You must accept that you are also divine. This is nearly impossible, however, if you have slipped into a victim or oppressor mentality. In victim consciousness, you believe you are worthless, useless, powerless. You cannot recognize divinity in yourself from that place. And if you do not know your own divinity, any recognition of the divine in the other person will feel forced and false.
Therefore, the work begins with self-liberation: freeing your attachment to the story that you are a victim. This does not mean denying that harm has been done to you. It means refusing to make that harm your identity. You have to "free yourself," which means releasing the grip of the negative narrative you tell about yourself.
Why Hatred and Anger Are Fires Burning You
Bhai Satpal Singh offers this image for children and adults alike: hatred and anger are like fires inside you. They are burning you. The guru is cooling you, is calming you. You have to take that burning away from you.
This is not metaphorical. When you hold hatred for someone, you are the one suffering the physiological effects—elevated cortisol, tension, inflammation, rumination. The other person may be unaffected; they have moved on. But you are still burning.
Your hatred for the other person has a direct, negative consequence on your own self. That emotion eventually turns into physical pain, chronic illness, or psychological suffering. You are harming yourself by holding the hatred.
This is why releasing it—or better, transmuting it into something else—is an act of self-care, not weakness.
The Path Forward: A Tiered Approach
Depending on the severity and nature of the difficult relationship, the path varies:
- For people you can reasonably avoid: If the cost of staying is low, you can simply distance yourself. Friendships often fall into this category.
- For people you cannot easily avoid: First, try direct or mediated communication. If that fails, work internally to shift your perception and release anger.
- For genuinely abusive relationships: Leave if at all possible. Staying does not earn spiritual credit; it only deepens trauma.
- For relationships where leaving is not feasible: Find stillness, quietness, and acceptance. Turn the hatred into something approaching love—not romantic love, but recognition of the divine. This is the most difficult path and requires real internal work.
The overall principle: be graceful to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do not fester those emotions within you. Your job is not to fix the other person. Your job is to free yourself—first from the tyranny of thinking you can change them, and second from the fire of hatred that only burns you.
Where to Go From Here
If this teaching resonates, explore the full Jap Ji Sahib commentary from which it comes, available on the Nanak Naam YouTube channel. The Jap Ji is composed of 38 verses (Pauri), and verse 26 (from which this Q&A excerpt comes) deals directly with the nature of divine order (hookum) and how to align yourself with it.
In your own life, practice catching yourself meditating on someone you dislike. Notice the loop of judgment and grievance. When you catch it, deliberately shift your inner posture—bow down mentally, recognize the divine, release the resistance. This is not one-time work; it is a practice you will return to again and again, especially with people who push your buttons most intensely.
Finally, examine whether any relationship in your life is actively harming you. If it is, permission is granted to leave. Spiritual practice is not punishment. It is the cultivation of inner freedom and peace. Choose wisely.
