Transcript
[0:12] [music]
[0:19] Namaste. Welcome my friends.
[0:22] So, I'd like to start uh by sharing a
[0:25] conversation I had a few years ago with
[0:28] an author who had come to see me for to
[0:31] have a few sessions. And he started
[0:34] right in. He said, "My heart is lonely."
[0:37] He said, "I'm afraid I'll never be truly
[0:40] close with anyone, have a real soul
[0:43] connection."
[0:45] Um, I knew him some. Um, and he wasn't
[0:48] lonely in the classical sense. He had
[0:52] family, plenty of friends and so on. And
[0:55] I was struck by this kind of naming of a
[0:58] deep loneliness. So we explored it more.
[1:01] And I asked him, you know, what would it
[1:03] be like to feel truly close? And he
[1:06] said, being undefended, you know, not
[1:09] holding back love, letting love in,
[1:12] being known,
[1:14] knowing the other. So I invited him to
[1:17] bring to mind someone that he cared
[1:19] about and and asked him, you know, what
[1:22] gets in the way? What gets in the way of
[1:25] feeling close? And his response was, I'm
[1:28] guarded. You know, I'm not ever really
[1:31] comfortable.
[1:33] And then when I kind of further
[1:35] inquired, you know, what would happen if
[1:37] you let down your guard, his response
[1:40] was, I won't [clears throat] be well
[1:42] received.
[1:44] I I'm I'm not really lovable.
[1:48] So, here was someone who deeply longed
[1:52] for closeness yet was afraid to let it
[1:54] happen, afraid of rejection.
[1:57] And as you might imagine, I'm sharing
[1:59] this because this can be the situation
[2:02] for so many of us that we might or might
[2:06] not be lonely in the sense of lacking
[2:10] companionship.
[2:12] But if we listen deeply, uh, we might
[2:15] find that feeling of a lonely heart, a
[2:18] yearning to truly be close, to feel a
[2:21] kind of soul connection.
[2:24] And like this man, for so many of us,
[2:27] we're afraid of each other. We're afraid
[2:30] of each other. We're afraid of um being
[2:33] judged or rejected or misunderstood.
[2:36] There's a deep insecurity that keeps us
[2:41] from the closeness that we yearn for.
[2:45] Okay, so this can sound heavy. So that's
[2:47] the good news is this that the very
[2:51] places that we feel most separate, most
[2:55] vulnerable, those are the places that
[2:58] can become a powerful gateway to
[3:01] intimacy.
[3:04] The pain of separation expresses in a
[3:06] lot of different ways. It can express as
[3:08] loneliness as we're speaking of our
[3:10] unlovability also as shame, insecurity,
[3:14] longing.
[3:16] Whichever the expression,
[3:19] if we have the willingness and the
[3:22] courage to deepen our attention there,
[3:25] it becomes a place of transformation.
[3:28] Our very presence in those places
[3:33] intensifies and opens us into a sense of
[3:37] sacred connection, communion, belonging.
[3:42] So the way I like to think of it is in
[3:44] the deepest way we can consider the pain
[3:47] of separation, you know, loneliness as
[3:51] the voice of our awake heart calling us
[3:54] home.
[3:56] So the title for this reflection today
[4:00] is medicine for the lonely heart. And
[4:04] we'll look at the different ways we're
[4:06] conditioned to leave home and create
[4:08] distance from one another and the
[4:10] pathways of reconnection.
[4:13] And this will be two parts um maybe
[4:16] more. I'm not sure how much wants to go
[4:18] in this. Um, but we'll be starting a lot
[4:21] of the focus today will be how to uh
[4:24] deepen intimacy with our inner life and
[4:26] then widen the circles.
[4:30] Maybe to note here, relationships
[4:34] are a dance. You know, they're an
[4:36] independent dance and our focus here is
[4:40] going to be on what we bring to this
[4:42] dance. Um, so it's not about how others
[4:46] might be triggering us to close down,
[4:49] but really how we relate to the
[4:53] triggerable parts of our own being. And
[4:56] I think you understand that uh the parts
[4:59] that contribute to us feeling separate
[5:01] and lonely.
[5:03] Um, I invited those who are following on
[5:06] social media to share what helped them
[5:08] feel connected when lonely and I got so
[5:12] many bits of wonderful heart wisdom.
[5:15] It's very resonant with the reflections
[5:17] today and uh I'll start with one really
[5:20] which is this person described sitting
[5:22] with loneliness as a friend. the same
[5:25] quality of attention we'd bring to a
[5:27] friend, which is just a beautiful
[5:30] invitation to approach what we're doing
[5:33] here with uh curiosity, with care. So,
[5:38] tuning to this realm of feeling
[5:40] separate,
[5:42] uh with a real friendliness.
[5:45] So, I thought we'd start together with a
[5:47] reflection. I invite you to take a few
[5:50] moments to listen inwardly and really
[5:53] look at your own experience of
[5:56] relatedness of feeling close to others.
[6:00] So you might pause here and just very
[6:03] consciously pause and invite yourself to
[6:07] arrive in presence.
[6:10] For many of us, just taking a few full
[6:12] breaths,
[6:22] being aware of the movement of the
[6:24] breath and aware of this body, the
[6:28] sensations that are here, the feelings.
[6:33] Feeling this living, breathing body.
[6:39] Just noticing the quality of presence
[6:41] that emerges even in a few moments of
[6:44] being intentional.
[6:53] Now, I'd like to invite you to take a
[6:55] moment to imagine. Imagine
[6:58] what it means to you to feel really
[7:01] close to another.
[7:04] Maybe the word soul connection resonate.
[7:08] What is it like? What do you imagine
[7:13] when we're really close? Perhaps when
[7:15] you can really be yourself.
[7:18] When you feel seen?
[7:21] When there's a natural unhindered flow
[7:24] of caring.
[7:28] Maybe for some there's that sense of of
[7:30] spirit of loving awareness that really
[7:33] is our shared source.
[7:37] Just give yourself permission to imagine
[7:40] what would it be like to be really
[7:41] close.
[7:45] What would it feel in your body, in your
[7:48] heart
[7:50] to have that kind of closeness,
[7:53] to experience that kind of belonging?
[8:04] And now, gently bring to mind some of
[8:07] the people in your life, perhaps family,
[8:09] friends, partner, people you spend time
[8:13] with.
[8:17] and choose one. Let one step forward in
[8:20] your awareness.
[8:24] And just sense how much of that
[8:26] closeness do you actually experience
[8:30] with this person?
[8:35] How much can you really be yourself,
[8:38] feel understood,
[8:40] feel that flow of caring in a an
[8:43] embodied visceral way?
[8:47] And you feel that kind of soul
[8:48] connection.
[8:55] And then another just tune in a bit.
[8:59] What's the quality of connection in the
[9:02] more daily way? How close do you feel?
[9:11] And maybe another.
[9:15] You can tune in in this way and just
[9:17] sense perhaps there's some closeness.
[9:20] Perhaps there's a longing for more.
[9:25] And maybe as you reflect, there's a
[9:27] loneliness in your heart that you don't
[9:30] usually notice
[9:32] or a yearning.
[9:34] Whatever is here, just sense it with
[9:37] kindness as a friend.
[9:40] No need to judge yourself or anyone
[9:42] else.
[9:49] You might imagine being toward the end
[9:51] of your life looking back and just sense
[9:52] how much does this matter to you
[9:56] to have felt truly close to have been
[9:59] loved, loving.
[10:03] So you can take a few moments just to
[10:05] sense what your heart most longs for.
[10:17] and gently if your eyes are closed open
[10:20] them bring yourself back.
[10:23] So as many of you listening are aware
[10:27] especially this last decade uh people
[10:30] have been feeling more isolated and
[10:32] lonely than ever. [snorts]
[10:33] Um the young our young people are like
[10:36] the canaries in the coal mine. Uh, one
[10:38] recent study found that nearly half of
[10:42] teens reported moderate to severe
[10:44] loneliness. More than half felt like
[10:47] outsiders around other people. And this
[10:50] is happening across all ages.
[10:53] We know some of what's driving this. You
[10:56] know, I often think of this little story
[11:00] of a man and woman sitting in a living
[11:02] room and they're kind of there for a
[11:05] while and at some point he's he looks
[11:07] over at her and he says, "You know, if I
[11:10] ever turn into a vegetable, uh, just
[11:13] pull the plug
[11:15] and she walks over to the TV set and
[11:17] yanks out the plug, you know,
[11:20] and we know this screens, you know, it
[11:24] just digital world just less in person.
[11:28] We're just not so much in person. We're
[11:30] spending an average of 10 hours a day
[11:34] looking into screens. I mean, that's
[11:35] phenomenal. This virtual reality we're
[11:38] living in. That means that our contact
[11:40] with nature and with each other keeps
[11:43] shrinking.
[11:44] And of course, with social media and
[11:46] this, you know, it's designed to amp up
[11:49] separation, anger, othering. You know,
[11:52] we're living in quite a time of
[11:54] polarization and mistrust
[11:57] and globally so much cruelty. So I think
[12:01] of a poet friend of mine who calls this
[12:03] the age of unkindness.
[12:07] So while the suffering of separation is
[12:11] especially intense in recent times,
[12:14] poets, mystics, storytellers, they've
[12:17] been expressing this through the ages.
[12:18] It's always been a part of the human
[12:21] experience, this sense of separateness.
[12:24] And if we look closely, we spend great
[12:28] swaths of our time in a kind of trance
[12:31] where we're moving around in these
[12:33] little self bubbles, kind of
[12:34] protagonists in our own movie. I mean,
[12:37] you might think of today or or just
[12:39] recent days.
[12:41] How many moments of actually really
[12:43] pausing with another touching that sense
[12:47] of here we are here we are that kind of
[12:51] spontaneity and warmth that comes from
[12:53] really feeling together and present.
[12:56] Um there's a a Zen teaching I often
[12:59] reflect on which is to be free is to be
[13:03] intimate with all things.
[13:07] not separate from life but fully part of
[13:10] it inhabiting it. Um for many years we
[13:14] entitled our retreats intimacy with
[13:16] life.
[13:18] So the deep inquiry here is why is this
[13:21] so difficult? You know what gives rise
[13:24] to the lonely heart to that sense of
[13:27] separateness?
[13:29] What's blocking soul connection?
[13:33] And from a spiritual perspective,
[13:36] there's a kind of forgetting that
[13:38] happens. You know, the understanding is
[13:41] that we arise like waves in this vast
[13:45] ocean of being and we forget our
[13:47] oceanness. We fixate on the
[13:50] particularities of this temporary wave
[13:53] and forget the vastness, the love, the
[13:57] light, the awareness,
[13:59] the formless
[14:02] wholeness of being. We we identify with
[14:04] that separate wave trying to make its
[14:06] way.
[14:09] So this is a natural part of our
[14:12] evolutionary unfolding. You know, our
[14:14] nervous systems are designed to pay
[14:16] attention to what might threaten us and
[14:19] to pursue what we need to survive and
[14:21] thrive. That's not a mistake. And
[14:24] there's another force that's evolving
[14:26] through us, which is this profound
[14:29] capacity to intuitit connectedness
[14:32] beyond that sense of separation,
[14:35] to empathize, to care, to cooperate, to
[14:38] be generous, you know, to recognize our
[14:41] belonging. This is built into our
[14:43] evolutionary potential to experience the
[14:46] oceanness that connects us.
[14:50] And if we're paying attention, we're
[14:53] going to see both forces daily. I mean,
[14:56] swasts of time, as I mentioned, we're
[14:58] we're utterly preoccupied with what I
[15:02] want and what I need. I mean, I always
[15:04] think of us driving in rush hour and
[15:07] everyone else's traffic, right? Except
[15:10] us.
[15:12] So then there's all those moments where
[15:14] we really do get touched by someone's
[15:17] kindness,
[15:19] where our heart will break for a child
[15:21] who's feeling left out or we're in
[15:23] nature and we're really feeling that
[15:25] that kind of magical sense of of
[15:28] belonging.
[15:29] So this is our human predicament and the
[15:32] promise having these forces live through
[15:34] us. A favorite story is of a mother
[15:39] preparing pancakes for her two sons.
[15:41] Kevin's five, Ryan's three. And the boys
[15:44] begin to argue over who gets the first
[15:46] pancake. So mother saw an opportunity
[15:49] for a moral lesson. And she said, "Well,
[15:51] if Jesus was sitting here, he'd say,
[15:54] "Let my brother have the first pancake.
[15:57] I can wait." So Kevin, the older one,
[15:59] turns to his younger brother and says,
[16:01] "Ryan, you can have the first chance at
[16:03] being Jesus.
[16:07] So our self focus is natural and as we
[16:10] develop we discover this great reward
[16:14] and well-being when we share the
[16:15] pancakes. You know um it's so
[16:18] interesting to me at holiday gift
[16:21] exchanges with my granddaughters
[16:24] how they're just racing around grasping
[16:27] and excited to tear open all their
[16:29] gifts. You know they're so charged and
[16:31] they're so quickly right on to the next.
[16:33] There's barely an instant of pause. But
[16:36] when they give something to some of the
[16:40] adults that are there because they make
[16:41] these gifts, wow, they just this
[16:44] enlarged presence where we're really
[16:46] attuning and they're big-hearted and you
[16:49] can sense their joy in that.
[16:52] So on this bodhic sattva path, we have
[16:56] the capacity to protect and nourish
[16:59] ourselves. you know that relative self
[17:02] that arising wave and remember the
[17:05] oceanness and there's a wonderful saying
[17:07] that captures this it's praise Allah but
[17:11] tie your camel to the post
[17:14] [gasps] so the challenge the challenge
[17:17] and what we're really going to deepen
[17:19] into is when we're regularly stressed
[17:23] when our needs for safety for love for
[17:26] understanding aren't met fear and
[17:28] grasping take over what the Buddhists
[17:31] call selfing. Our survival brain gets
[17:34] hijacked
[17:36] and we get fixated on our own wants and
[17:38] needs and feel more and more in that
[17:41] trance of separation. It's just very
[17:44] hard to feel close to others when we're
[17:48] caught up in that trance, that wanting
[17:50] and that fearing. And to add to it that
[17:55] deep in the trance, we don't like
[17:56] ourselves in the midst of it. So we
[17:59] leave home.
[18:01] I want to say now that if in the opening
[18:04] reflection you became aware of
[18:07] loneliness or a lack of real intimacy,
[18:11] you might have noticed it came with some
[18:13] self-lame, some feeling of deficiency
[18:15] like I should be better at this. I'm bad
[18:18] at intimacy
[18:20] or loneliness means that there's
[18:22] something wrong with me.
[18:24] And I'm naming this because we so often
[18:26] feel that pain of separation and take it
[18:29] personally.
[18:31] Um, and the truth is it's not our fault.
[18:35] I mean, there's just so much research
[18:37] showing how our capacity for intimacy is
[18:41] shaped by our earliest experiences of
[18:44] care. I mean, you know about the studies
[18:46] with young monkeys. They find that those
[18:49] that were uh deprived of warmth and
[18:52] responsiveness and the contact they
[18:54] needed real difficulty connecting with
[18:58] monkeys in later life.
[19:00] I like the way the psychologist Luis
[19:03] Kosalino puts it. He says, "It's not
[19:05] survival of the fittest, it's survival
[19:08] of the nurtured."
[19:10] So that nurturing comes through
[19:12] caregivers and it comes through our
[19:16] culture that tells us that some people
[19:19] some of us are more worthy than others
[19:21] and belong more than others some don't.
[19:23] often uh it's filtered through race,
[19:27] through religion that to belong we need
[19:30] to be successful, attractive, thin,
[19:33] powerful, wealthy, whatever the
[19:35] standards, but there are standards.
[19:40] So our challenge with intimacy, with
[19:43] feelings of loneliness, it's not our
[19:45] fault.
[19:47] And self-lame actually locks us in more
[19:51] deeply to that trance of separation.
[19:56] At the same time, and this is really
[19:58] important as we move forward in
[19:59] exploring this, uh we don't have to be a
[20:02] victim of that conditioning.
[20:05] Often when we say it's not my fault,
[20:07] then we feel like we're resigning. But
[20:09] it's not that. Um neuroplasticity,
[20:12] just think of it in a physical way. The
[20:16] relational pathways in our brain are
[20:17] malleable. They can change. So when we
[20:22] bring in mindfulness, when we bring in
[20:24] compassion
[20:26] to the places that are hurting,
[20:29] we free them up. We open up. I sometimes
[20:31] call this spiritual reparing.
[20:35] So I want to just step back and say this
[20:39] exploration we're doing today of the the
[20:41] lonely heart of cultivating intimacy
[20:45] with life. It's really at the heart of
[20:48] the bodhic sappa path. I mean learning
[20:51] to wake up out of that very deep trance
[20:55] of separation. A trance so deep we're
[20:57] often not conscious of it in that
[20:59] language.
[21:01] Learning to feel the truth of our
[21:02] belonging
[21:04] is what allows us to be totally free to
[21:07] love our world.
[21:10] And here's a key to know that when we
[21:14] feel the ache of the lonely heart, when
[21:17] we feel the longing for connection, that
[21:20] energy, that energy actually carries us
[21:24] towards what we long for.
[21:27] One friend uh wrote on social media in
[21:31] response to our inquiry, loneliness is a
[21:35] yearning from your heart, a love call to
[21:39] come home.
[21:42] So this this process we're in takes
[21:45] presence, a real dedication not to judge
[21:48] ourselves for our human conditioning. So
[21:51] in that spirit, we'll do our next
[21:53] reflection and really look at our own
[21:56] conditioning to leave home to create
[22:00] separation uh from our inner life and
[22:03] others. And um before we do that
[22:08] reflection, let me give you some
[22:09] background on the ways we leave home.
[22:13] There's two major expressions of
[22:16] insecurity that play out. And one is
[22:20] fear. Fear of being hurt in different
[22:22] ways. And the other is wanting for
[22:25] something that helps us feel more whole,
[22:27] something that's missing. So we'll take
[22:29] them one at a time. And as as you
[22:31] listen, sense what how does this work
[22:33] for me? Is this true for me? Is this
[22:35] taking me from home? So fear the big
[22:39] one. So many of us had messages from
[22:42] caregivers, from society that were
[22:44] falling short, that were less than.
[22:46] [clears throat]
[22:46] when I do uh groups and trainings on
[22:50] fear and say, "Well, what are you really
[22:53] afraid of?" Most of the time, it's often
[22:56] I'm afraid of being judged. See if
[22:59] that's true for you. I'm afraid of being
[23:00] criticized.
[23:02] And then so when that happens, when I'm
[23:05] afraid of that, I get defensive or I
[23:07] overexlain myself or I attack back
[23:10] rather than listening.
[23:13] So there's a lot of us that feel highly
[23:15] sensitive, reactive to the slight hit of
[23:18] critique because we got a lot of it
[23:20] perhaps from our family or our culture.
[23:25] There's a story of a woman in an
[23:28] interview. She's in a job interview and
[23:29] the interviewer says, "Uh, tell me what
[23:32] do you think your biggest character
[23:33] defect would be?" And her reply was
[23:36] honesty.
[23:38] They said, "Honesty? I wouldn't consider
[23:40] honesty a defect." her reply, I don't
[23:43] care what the hell you think.
[23:47] So, it's just so clear when we're afraid
[23:49] of judgment, we end up in behaviors that
[23:52] further distance uh from ourselves and
[23:55] from others. Now, related and maybe even
[23:58] deeper of the fears that we have is
[24:00] being rejected. That's pretty universal.
[24:04] You know, I'm afraid of being rejected.
[24:05] So, I hide parts of myself. I try to
[24:08] please. I become who I, you know, think
[24:11] the other person wants me to be. And of
[24:13] course, the more we do these fear
[24:16] behaviors, the less we trust we're going
[24:18] to be loved for who we are.
[24:21] Okay. So, let's uh reflect for a moment
[24:24] on this on this particular fear. I'd
[24:28] like you to imagine yourself
[24:31] as a child,
[24:34] maybe around 10 years old.
[24:38] You're in a familiar room
[24:42] and one of your parents or caregivers is
[24:44] looking at you
[24:49] and just sense what it's like to have
[24:51] them look at you
[24:54] and sense what is it you most want them
[24:57] to see about you.
[24:59] What do you want them to appreciate,
[25:02] to love?
[25:15] And what are you afraid they might see?
[25:17] What parts of you do you hope they won't
[25:19] notice, won't be paying attention to?
[25:34] And just sense how you might have
[25:36] learned to present yourself in certain
[25:38] ways
[25:39] even now in a more habitual way.
[25:44] To please, to be good, to hide parts of
[25:47] yourself.
[25:56] back to that child. What is it that that
[25:58] younger you was really longing for?
[26:10] Take a few full breaths.
[26:14] Your eyes are closed. Open them.
[26:17] I invite you to check this out because
[26:20] it can be really revealing
[26:23] that when we're with others, especially
[26:25] if we're anxious,
[26:27] how much of what we do is to elicit a
[26:29] certain response
[26:31] versus that spontaneity of just being
[26:34] who we are.
[26:36] You know, we deeply want to be loved as
[26:39] we are and we're so afraid we won't be.
[26:44] Okay, there are a number of ways that
[26:47] our fears
[26:48] around relationships
[26:50] uh lead to behaviors that create more
[26:53] separation. Um, take someone who's had
[26:56] an intrusive parent, maybe a parent who
[26:59] demands closeness, who suffocates, who
[27:02] overcontrols,
[27:04] parents who make their child responsible
[27:07] for their feelings.
[27:09] It leads to a fear of losing oneself, of
[27:12] overwhelm. So it leads to avoidant
[27:14] behavior. Don't let anybody get close.
[27:18] Or for someone who's been rejected,
[27:21] abandoned, there's a fear of being hurt
[27:23] again. So keep the guard up. Don't let
[27:26] others get close.
[27:29] So I'm talking about what happens when
[27:32] we're afraid of of pain, of being heard.
[27:35] But we also operate out of our fears,
[27:39] out of a sense that something's missing.
[27:41] These are both parts of insecurity.
[27:44] Let's say you have a real want to feel
[27:47] valued or special. Then the behavior
[27:50] might be continually seeking reassurance
[27:54] or approval. Again, listen and sense
[27:56] which of these really uh expresses how
[28:01] you move through relationships
[28:04] and how those patterns might create
[28:06] separation,
[28:08] seeking approval, reassurance.
[28:11] Or some of us, we really have a need and
[28:13] a want for control or having our
[28:15] children or partner cooperate. So
[28:17] there's kind of dominating behavior,
[28:19] manipulative behavior,
[28:22] or for some there's wanting more
[28:24] attention, more affection.
[28:26] So we might pressure or complain or
[28:29] blame, have somebody feel guilty.
[28:32] And we know this one when we go after
[28:35] attention and affection, the other tends
[28:37] to pull away and then we feel even more
[28:38] alone.
[28:41] Or maybe we want to get something. We
[28:42] have an agenda. We want someone. We just
[28:45] in the habit of wanting someone to do a
[28:47] favor for us to give us something. So we
[28:52] become strategic or flattering.
[28:55] The point is this with any habitual
[28:59] wanting or fearing behavior.
[29:02] We are identified with an insecure self
[29:06] and we've left home. And sadly, the
[29:09] behaviors which are really there just to
[29:12] help us flourish, they're just
[29:15] misguided, create separation.
[29:19] Okay, enough uh background on this.
[29:21] Let's reflect together now and just look
[29:24] in our own life how patterns of habitual
[29:27] wanting and fearing might take us from
[29:29] home. So again, if you would like to
[29:33] take a moment to invite yourself here,
[29:37] maybe a few full breaths.
[29:52] You might scan the relational field and
[29:56] bring to mind a relationship where you
[29:58] wish there was more closeness.
[30:11] This is kind of to examine well what's
[30:12] creating the separation here. So you
[30:15] might ask yourself what might you be
[30:17] afraid of in this relationship?
[30:21] Are you afraid of being judged,
[30:25] rejected,
[30:28] not understood,
[30:31] in some way? Suffocated, losing
[30:33] yourself.
[30:41] And from that fear, whatever it might
[30:43] be, how do you act?
[30:51] What's your way of protecting yourself?
[31:00] Then going a little deeper, just sense
[31:02] the experience of yourself when you're
[31:04] afraid, when you're in protective mode,
[31:08] what's like in your body, your heart,
[31:10] your mind.
[31:19] Do you like yourself in these moments?
[31:28] And even deeper, does this feel like who
[31:31] you really are?
[31:36] Can you sense in some way leaving home
[31:42] that this is part of the trance?
[31:52] Now, in a similar way, sense into any
[31:55] wanting, any agenda you might have with
[31:57] this person.
[31:59] May be that you're wanting attention,
[32:02] approval,
[32:04] cooperation. and you're wanting
[32:05] something from this person
[32:08] and sense how this energy might be there
[32:13] and how you act when you're caught in
[32:15] that wanting.
[32:17] How do you behave when you're wanting
[32:19] attention or approval or something from
[32:22] another person?
[32:35] And as you did before, notice more
[32:39] deeply this experience of yourself when
[32:41] you're wanting in your body, your heart,
[32:44] your mind.
[32:46] the wanting self.
[32:52] Just notice if you like yourself
[33:03] and even more deeply, is this who you
[33:05] really are?
[33:12] So that as you close this reflection,
[33:14] you might sense what you want to pay
[33:17] more attention to.
[33:19] What are the habits, the patterns, the
[33:22] fears, the wants that you want to attune
[33:25] to?
[33:27] So you have more freedom.
[33:30] You have more capacity to return home
[33:33] when you notice them.
[33:39] And again some full breaths if that
[33:41] helps. Your eyes are closed. Open your
[33:44] eyes.
[33:46] Okay. So we all have these currents of
[33:49] wanting and fearing. Most of us get
[33:52] stressed and they can take over.
[33:56] We're just trying to take care of
[33:57] ourselves when they're predominant.
[34:00] And it's quite natural that they can get
[34:03] habitual. we get caught in those
[34:05] habitual fear behaviors, wanting
[34:07] behaviors, and that they undermine the
[34:10] connection that we long for.
[34:13] So, here's what's important. That in the
[34:16] deepest ways, when we're caught in
[34:18] wanting and fearing, including judging
[34:20] ourselves for wanting and fearing, we
[34:23] are separate from our own full aliveness
[34:26] or heart and awareness. We are in a
[34:29] trance. We have left home. It's not our
[34:33] fault. It's just what happens. It's
[34:34] pretty universal.
[34:36] And when we've left home, you know, when
[34:39] we're not connected inwardly, it's very
[34:42] hard to feel secure and open and
[34:46] connected with others.
[34:48] You know, when we're not at home with
[34:50] ourselves, we fear rejection. We feel
[34:54] we're not enough. So, our true sickness
[34:58] here is homesickness.
[35:01] This is what's underneath the lonely
[35:03] heart. This is what's asking for
[35:05] attention.
[35:07] Not to make it bad or wrong, but to
[35:09] deepen attention.
[35:11] And I can say for myself that when I'm
[35:14] feeling disconnected and separate, the
[35:17] more quickly I remember, oh, okay, I'm
[35:20] not at home in this being, the more
[35:23] quickly I return.
[35:25] The whole world shifts when we recognize
[35:29] and embrace our inner life.
[35:33] I shared with you when I opened about
[35:36] this author that I was working with and
[35:39] we we spent many many months working
[35:41] together and the focus as I'm talking
[35:43] right now is how to bring attention to
[35:47] those insecurities inside to that very
[35:50] young place in him that felt unlovable
[35:52] to the part of him that was actively
[35:54] judging and rejecting himself and we
[35:57] used the rain process in a very focused
[35:59] way bringing it to those places. Those
[36:03] are not familiar. Uh rain is a weave of
[36:06] mindfulness and compassion. You can find
[36:09] it on my website. Very powerful tool to
[36:13] ultimately embrace our inner life. So
[36:16] that's that was the practice uh to bring
[36:18] a mindfulness and compassion to the
[36:20] judge who was really just trying to make
[36:23] him a better person but misguided
[36:26] and to that deep place of feeling
[36:28] unlovable. That part of him that
[36:30] believed something was wrong with him.
[36:32] His father had left when he was young
[36:34] and he in some way felt it was his
[36:36] fault. Bringing presence and care there.
[36:39] And as part of his meditation, something
[36:41] you can explore, he started journaling
[36:44] and he gave those parts voices. So he
[36:49] would write from those parts expressing
[36:51] their pain, their judgments, their
[36:53] fears. And then he'd respond from from
[36:57] his high self, his awake cart, what he
[37:00] considered the light of his soul. He'd
[37:02] respond from that soul place uh which is
[37:04] very openhearted and it was a powerful
[37:07] interchange. the insecure part speaking
[37:10] and then that response from the soul
[37:13] soul place. At one point the judgmental
[37:16] part had listed some things he had done
[37:19] when he was younger that that part felt
[37:21] were unforgivable ways he had betrayed
[37:23] his first wife and his estrangement from
[37:26] one of his children.
[37:29] So that was written and then he paused
[37:31] and waited and the first two words from
[37:36] that space that soulful space were
[37:39] beloved one
[37:42] and something cracked open.
[37:45] He just felt this huge tenderness
[37:49] and again the words beloved one beloved
[37:51] one don't you see imperfect human and
[37:54] yet deep deep goodness. you are so much
[37:58] more beloved one.
[38:04] So this is what cracked him open that
[38:06] that sense of uh being beloved. There
[38:11] there's a poem that he had. It was
[38:13] framed in his office from this
[38:15] experience. It's called Late Fragment.
[38:18] It's one of the last poems that was
[38:20] written by Raymond Carver who got cancer
[38:23] when he was 50 and was dying.
[38:26] And I want to read it to you.
[38:29] And did you get what you wanted from
[38:32] this life? Even so,
[38:35] I did. And what did you want?
[38:39] To call myself beloved, to feel myself
[38:43] beloved on this earth.
[38:50] So I want to just name that even as I
[38:52] share it with you I have kind of
[38:54] goosebumps and there are times the poem
[38:56] makes me weep and I I recite it or tune
[39:01] into it a lot and it's for the same
[39:03] reason
[39:05] uh for what happened to this author who
[39:09] became my friend that it dissolves some
[39:12] longlived armoring of being at war with
[39:16] himself. He's
[39:18] feeling himself beloved.
[39:21] I suspect many can relate. I mean really
[39:24] what if what if we could truly regard
[39:28] this life here this living breathing
[39:31] beingness as precious as sacred as
[39:34] beloved.
[39:37] Oh how our world would open can open.
[39:42] So, I want to honor that the language
[39:46] might not be a match for you and yet you
[39:49] might still sense how radical, you know,
[39:52] how lifech changing to hold this human
[39:55] heart with all its foibless and
[39:57] confusions and drivenness and fears and
[40:00] insecurities. hold this human heart with
[40:03] our spiritual heart, with our more awake
[40:07] beingness
[40:08] to feel tenderness towards this life.
[40:13] Now, here's the thing.
[40:16] When we're caught, when we're really in
[40:18] the grip of wanting or fearing, we're in
[40:21] the thick of that trance, you know,
[40:23] feeling lonely, feeling unlovable, it's
[40:25] not a natural jump to shift to
[40:28] immediately calling ourselves beloved,
[40:30] feeling ourselves beloved.
[40:33] That's a process. Just as I described
[40:35] with this author, he had many rounds of
[40:38] meeting his inner life with presence and
[40:40] deepening attention like cultivating a
[40:43] relationship,
[40:45] an intimate relationship with his inner
[40:47] life. And it started with presence and
[40:50] accepting and allowing what was arising
[40:52] and then that presence became loving
[40:55] presence, the felt sense of the beloved.
[40:59] So this is the inner work of healing the
[41:03] lonely heart. It's not all of it. We're
[41:06] going to explore more about uh
[41:09] [clears throat] ways that we bring our
[41:12] uh awareness and presence to our
[41:14] relationships with others. But the
[41:16] starting place as we're exploring right
[41:18] here is right with what's coming up.
[41:22] Whether it's unlovable, whether it's um
[41:25] insecure, vulnerable,
[41:28] fear.
[41:30] I want to share one of the quotes that
[41:33] uh someone someone wrote online. When
[41:36] aloneeness arrives, I acknowledge it,
[41:39] welcome it, allow it to express itself.
[41:43] It sometimes takes time because there's
[41:45] resistance to loneliness
[41:47] that is conditioning to stop the flow of
[41:50] feeling.
[41:52] I've also learned that my own sense of
[41:53] loneliness loves to feel nurtured and
[41:57] comforted and that begins to reconnect
[42:00] the parts of me that feel unseen.
[42:09] Loneliness loves to feel nurtured,
[42:12] calling ourselves beloved.
[42:15] Another wrote, "Inhabiting loneliness
[42:17] completely, letting tears come if they
[42:20] need to, and then moving from there."
[42:24] So this is the guidance that we don't
[42:28] turn away from our lonely heart, from
[42:32] vulnerability, from insecurity
[42:34] that that is the gateway.
[42:38] Okay, here's a favorite poem from
[42:41] Haface.
[42:43] And I want to just say before when he
[42:45] speaks of God, we might hear that as the
[42:47] sacred oneness of life, the love and the
[42:51] belonging that's our deepest home.
[42:55] So here's the poem.
[42:58] Don't surrender your loneliness so
[43:00] quickly. Let it cut more deep.
[43:05] Let it ferment and season you as few
[43:08] human or even divine ingredients can.
[43:12] Something missing in my heart tonight
[43:14] has made my eyes so soft, my voice so
[43:18] tender. My need of God absolutely clear.
[43:26] Let it cut more deep. The loneliness,
[43:29] the sense of unlove, the insecurity.
[43:33] In that unconditional opening,
[43:37] we open to sacred space to intimacy with
[43:40] life.
[43:44] So I shared about uh this author and his
[43:47] process. I thought I'd also share with
[43:49] you a a very recent experience from my
[43:52] own life. U many may have heard that we
[43:56] moved across the country and we traveled
[43:59] across country by car with our pups and
[44:03] so it gave many many hours with my
[44:05] husband Jonathan to just kind of sense
[44:08] the state of our relating. And I became
[44:11] acutely aware of times when I felt
[44:14] distanced. And when I investigated
[44:18] underneath that was insecurity
[44:22] and the background to the insecurity um
[44:25] just to share with you because this is
[44:26] what goes on for many I think is that
[44:30] with age uh I've found a growing
[44:33] challenge in terms of forgetting words
[44:36] short-term memory organization really
[44:40] competency on planet earth. So back at
[44:43] home, I could started noticing this
[44:46] growing self-consciousness about how
[44:48] well I was operating. But it was worse
[44:50] on the road. Um, you know, I was kind of
[44:52] removed from our familiar space and
[44:55] patterns. And there was a lot of packing
[44:57] and unpacking, caring for the two pups
[45:00] and arranging reservations day by day.
[45:02] And I would end up getting disorganized
[45:05] and go slowly and be un together and
[45:09] feeling self-conscious. Um, and then
[45:11] trying to present a more competent
[45:14] person front, you know, hiding that I'm
[45:16] not feeling so able and embarrassed,
[45:18] just not liking myself.
[45:21] So it became so clear I had to let this
[45:24] be a portal, a gateway um that to feel
[45:28] intimate with myself, with Jonathan,
[45:30] with the world, I had to embrace this
[45:33] very vulnerable place where all the
[45:35] fears of uh losing competency,
[45:38] sharpness, really embraced insecurity
[45:42] and it became a very intentional
[45:44] practice. I would misplace something or
[45:47] forget to do something and I'd feel this
[45:49] wave of uh disdain like, "Oh, come on,
[45:52] Tara. Get it together." Kind of an
[45:55] mean-spirited.
[45:57] And I'd pause and I'd open. I'd feel the
[46:02] frustration and the aversion and the
[46:05] contraction and embarrassment. And
[46:07] underneath that, as I paid attention, a
[46:10] real helplessness.
[46:12] I can't control this. I can't fix this.
[46:15] fear that it's going to be worse.
[46:19] So then those words let it cut more deep
[46:21] that insecurity.
[46:23] So there's in some way a sense of
[46:27] feeling it fully and then just bowing
[46:30] and surrendering just opening fully to
[46:33] it and in that kind of surrendering it
[46:35] to something larger uh to the kindness
[46:40] of the universe to the spiritual heart
[46:42] of the universe to what I perceive as
[46:45] the beloved and to kind of let in a a
[46:49] loving forgiving love light loving
[46:52] awareness
[46:55] With the feeling fully and the
[46:57] surrendering, there was a sense of just
[47:00] becoming one with that loving awareness.
[47:02] You know, I was holding myself as
[47:04] beloved. The whole world was beloved. I
[47:07] had to do this over and over. It was not
[47:09] a one shot. Still doing it.
[47:12] But I want to name that in that larger
[47:15] beingness
[47:17] once I've felt and then surrendered and
[47:19] opened entirely felt intimate with
[47:23] Jonathan with all of life. So here we
[47:27] are. We have moved. We're settled in a
[47:29] new home kind of have more organization.
[47:32] So I'm less scattered. I'm not feeling
[47:35] quite the
[47:37] feeling of you know incompetency and
[47:40] then embarrassment.
[47:43] And
[47:44] this body and mind is going and there
[47:47] will be continued arising of insecurity.
[47:51] And the message, the guide, the pathway.
[47:55] Let it cut more deep
[47:58] so that I can discover in that
[48:00] presencing
[48:02] that my real nature is the beloved. that
[48:05] includes
[48:07] these ch this changing life form and
[48:10] also the loving awareness that's
[48:12] awakening through this form
[48:15] beloved on this earth.
[48:19] Okay, friends. So, we're talking about
[48:22] pathways to reconnecting and we're
[48:24] starting with the inner. As I mentioned
[48:27] with myself, the author, so many I've
[48:29] worked with, embracing inner loneliness,
[48:33] unlovability, insecurity. It opens us to
[48:36] to intimacy with the world. And as we'll
[48:39] explore next week, there are direct ways
[48:42] to deepen our sense of soul connection
[48:44] with others that further tenderize us to
[48:47] our inner life. So, it's interdependent.
[48:50] It's not a rigid sequence.
[48:53] I'd like to close with a reflection on
[48:56] what it means to feel ourselves as
[48:58] beloved.
[49:06] Take some moments, if you will, to find
[49:08] a way of sitting,
[49:11] a posture that allows you to feel
[49:13] presence
[49:15] so that you're upright, you're at ease.
[49:19] There's some stillness.
[49:22] And take a few full breaths.
[49:34] Bring to mind a relationship where
[49:37] you've been feeling some distance, some
[49:39] separation.
[49:41] Nothing too overwhelming and certainly
[49:43] nothing with trauma.
[49:56] and gently investigate. Sense what's
[49:58] happening on your side. If there's some
[50:00] wanting, wanting approval,
[50:02] understanding, affection,
[50:06] some fear, maybe being rejected, judged,
[50:10] misunderstood.
[50:18] And along with this, notice if there's
[50:21] any way you've been turning against
[50:22] yourself, not liking your own wanting,
[50:26] fearing self.
[50:42] See if you can move right into your body
[50:45] wherever you feel the most
[50:46] vulnerability.
[50:49] And just sense right into the part of
[50:51] you that's most asking for attention
[50:53] that feels perhaps
[50:55] the most insecure,
[50:58] the most separate.
[51:02] The place knew that deep down longs to
[51:04] be loved in some way maybe is crying out
[51:09] please love me.
[51:13] The place that longs for soul connection
[51:17] to feel true belonging
[51:22] to sense that vulnerable place that
[51:25] insecure place.
[51:31] And in this moment
[51:34] inquire, what is this part of me most
[51:36] need? What flavor of loving, of
[51:40] nurturing.
[51:50] Sense that it's asking,
[51:53] praying, longing for something.
[52:04] and feel the tenderness of that.
[52:11] Now if you can begin to sense the
[52:13] presence
[52:14] of your own larger spiritual heart, that
[52:18] which is witnessing, that which is the
[52:21] space that life's happening in, the
[52:24] awareness and love that can hold this
[52:26] life.
[52:31] And imagine
[52:33] whatever flavor of love is needed
[52:36] flowing
[52:38] into the place that's insecure. And it
[52:40] might be be coming from your own
[52:43] spiritual heart or if it helps you can
[52:44] imagine it's coming from
[52:47] someone you trust
[52:50] from loving presence from the universe
[52:53] itself from a spiritual figure.
[52:56] But imagine loving bathing the place of
[52:59] insecurity.
[53:07] Perhaps there's words. Perhaps that
[53:09] place
[53:12] is whispering beloved. Beloved, feel
[53:15] yourself as beloved.
[53:17] Trust who you are. You are lovable.
[53:22] You belong.
[53:25] Maybe there's a message that resonates
[53:36] and see if you can surrender and just
[53:38] merge with that loving presence. Be the
[53:41] holder and the held.
[53:43] You are the loving awareness holding
[53:46] this vulnerable human being.
[53:49] And you are this being
[53:53] that is felt as beloved.
[54:04] And you might sense that dissolving into
[54:06] just oneness, loving awareness,
[54:11] the beloved inside and everywhere.
[54:26] And notice how much of life is included
[54:30] in this vast
[54:33] space of loving awareness.
[54:46] Sense how it's more the truth of who you
[54:48] are than any
[54:50] place, any narrative, any story of
[54:54] separation.
[54:57] And then sense what you want to
[55:00] remember. What might help you to return
[55:02] to this loving presence,
[55:05] especially when you're feeling separate
[55:07] or at war with yourself?
[55:26] And did you get what you wanted from
[55:29] this life? Even so,
[55:32] I did.
[55:33] And what did you want?
[55:36] To call myself beloved. To feel myself
[55:40] beloved on the earth.
[55:50] Namaste friends. Thank you for your
[55:54] presence,
[55:56] for your company, and I look forward to
[55:59] being with you again next week. Thank
[56:01] you.
[56:15] >> [music]
