Transcript
[0:00] I'm Daniel Coyle. I write about the
science of human potential. I'm the
[0:04] author of The Talent Code, The Culture
Code, and my new book, Flourish. Today
[0:09] on Big Think, we're going to be talking
about talent, highly successful groups,
[0:13] and thriving communities.
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And now back to the interview.
[0:40] Chapter 1, where talent actually comes from.
[0:44] We live at a really interesting moment
in history. Unlike all of our ancestors,
[0:49] we live in this moment of peak
individualism. And so whenever we see
[0:53] achievement, we focus on that
individual. We focus on what makes them
[0:59] special. We focus on their habits, their
behaviors. We just see them. But like
[1:03] all matters of focus, focus makes you a
little bit blind. There's all kinds of
[1:08] other currents, connections, and more
ecological powers that are making
[1:13] someone improve. If you were to ask
Hemingway, if you were to look at
[1:17] Hemingway and look at him through the
lens of individualism, you would say,
[1:20] well, what what makes you great and it
would be about his hard work. It would
[1:24] about his particular gift, his talent.
And that's a very sexy story to tell.
[1:28] It's a very beautiful story to tell that
he's sort of a magical person and that
[1:32] Steve Jobs is a magical person, that
Michael Jordan is a magical person, and
[1:35] that Baryshnikov is a magical person. We
get kind of addicted looking at through
[1:40] this individualistic lens. But when we
do that, we're blind to all the other
[1:45] forces that are actually truthfully
generating that talent, generating that
[1:50] performance, generating that
fulfillment. When you actually scratch
[1:53] the surface of a great performer, when
you actually look into what made a
[1:57] Hemingway or a Jordan or a Baryshnikov,
what you will invariably find is an
[2:01] elite environment, a bunch of
relationships, a bunch of connection.
[2:05] Oh, who Mr. Hemingway? He's a great
writer. Well, who taught him to love
[2:09] words? what model served him as he began
to develop. What kind of environment was
[2:14] he in? And when you begin to take this
environmental lens and put it on, it
[2:18] opens up new opportunities for
leadership. It's really in the end about
[2:22] creating conditions where people can
grow together. There's a great saying in
[2:26] the Da Jing, where there's a good
leader, people say what a good leader
[2:31] that is. But where there's a great
leader, people say we did it ourselves.
[2:35] That's not how we typically have thought
about leadership in the past. We often
[2:38] focus on control. We often focus on
results. We often focus on sort of
[2:42] treating people as if they're separate
from others. But when we take this more
[2:46] ecological approach, it opens up
opportunity. It opens up new ways to
[2:50] create more growth. So I spent 5 years
visiting talent hotbeds all over the
[2:55] world, like places that produced
impossible numbers of talented
[2:58] performers. A Russian tennis club that
produced more top 25 players than the
[3:03] entire United States or Bulgarian chess
club. And the places that I visited had
[3:09] these sort of common features in their
environment that I saw over and over
[3:14] again. The first thing is that they were
kind of junky. I started to call them
[3:17] chicken wire Harvards. You know, you'd
go to the music camp and there'd be like
[3:21] cinder blocks holding up the stairs and
the camp hadn't been repaired in a long
[3:24] time. They didn't put their attention on
creating a luxurious environment. They
[3:30] explicitly did not. They actually kept
it very Spartan. An elite development
[3:34] environment is not one where every
luxury is given to you. It's a place of
[3:38] work. It's a place of craft. The second
thing I noticed is that they really had
[3:43] a different relationship to mistakes.
There's something called learning
[3:46] velocity. And the best story I know to
get a handle on that is a story about
[3:51] Clarissa. Clarissa was a 15-year-old
musician. And she was part of this study
[3:55] done by a psychologist named Gary
McPherson. And McPherson tracked her
[4:00] study for months and he identified one
segment, one brief segment, six-minute
[4:05] segment where she progressed more than
she did in a month of normal practice.
[4:09] And the question is, what did that look
like? Well, Clarissa is sitting down.
[4:13] She's wearing a hoodie. She's got her
clarinet and she's looking at the music
[4:17] really intently, looking at it just
ferociously intently. And then she plays
[4:22] a little snatch of a song. It's called
The Golden Wedding. And she plays the
[4:25] first couple bars. It's a jazzy little
tune and then she makes a mistake and
[4:29] she stops. She feels that mistake and
then she reads the notes again and she
[4:34] goes back and she hums it to herself
and then she goes back and she plays a
[4:37] little bit further and she makes another
mistake and she stops. If you picture
[4:41] what the wires of her brain are doing
in that moment, she's reaching. She's
[4:46] sensing that failure and then reaching
again. And that's called deep practice.
[4:52] It's when you get to the edge of your
ability to increase learning velocity,
[4:57] when you deliberately make mistakes in
order to build skill. That's what deep
[5:02] practice is. And when I visited these
talent hotbeds, they were all practicing
[5:05] like a bunch of clarissas. They were all
keenly focused on pushing themselves to
[5:10] the edge of their ability, sensing that
mistake, and then reaching again. And
[5:16] deep practice is all about that moment
of reach, that moment of reach where our
[5:20] learning velocity goes up. And really
it's a moment of reinterpreting what
[5:24] mistakes are. You know, we walk around
thinking mistake is a verdict. Mistake
[5:28] is a sign. This isn't meant for me. But
in fact, a mistake is information. It's
[5:34] information over where you should reach
next. And that combination of this
[5:38] intense desire plus this intense
reaching. It's like this engine, right?
[5:42] You've got this high motivation fuel
reaching into this zone. And when we
[5:47] think about who the fastest learners on
in the world are, well, for my money,
[5:51] the fastest learners in the world are
probably uh like 12-year-old kids on
[5:55] their skateboards. They learn really,
really fast. They get good really,
[5:59] really fast. Who are the slowest
learners in the world? Well, maybe those
[6:03] same kids in their algebra class. What's
happening in those cases for look at
[6:07] them through a Clarissa lens in the
skateboard? The skateboard is showing
[6:11] them the environment of that skateboard
is showing them where the mistakes are.
[6:14] They feel it. They feel that moment and
they can correct and adjust. They can
[6:18] make mistakes and fix. In the algebra
classroom, they're sort of sitting
[6:21] passively and knowledge is washing over
them. The learning velocity of certain
[6:26] environments. By tweaking the
environment, you can massively impact
[6:30] the learning velocity. And that's the
lesson of these talent hotbeds. They
[6:34] tweak the environment to create those
reaches to improve learning velocity.
[6:39] Like for example, at that same music
school, Meadow Mount School of Music,
[6:43] they would take a sheet of music that
they're learning. And this is a place
[6:45] where some of the top musicians on the
planet have trained, they would take
[6:49] their their sheet music and cut it into
strips each line, cut it up, and mix
[6:53] them up in a bowl, pull one out, play
it, and try to learn bit by bit, chunk
[6:58] by chunk. One of the places that I saw
that was really good at generating airs
[7:02] was Brazilian soccer. You know, there's
a there's a mystery. Why does Brazil
[7:06] produce so many brilliant soccer
players? And the answer to that mystery
[7:09] is usually, well, it's Brazil. It's warm
and and they play on the beach and it's
[7:14] really inviting and they love soccer.
And that explanation makes a little bit
[7:18] of sense. But when you think about it
more deeply, there's a lot of places
[7:22] that are warm. There's a lot of places
that love soccer. And until the 50s,
[7:26] Brazil wasn't actually that good. They
were beaten by Hungary in the World Cup,
[7:31] which is not exactly a beach nation. So
what happened to make Brazil good? They
[7:36] became addicted to this strange little
game. It's called football d salow,
[7:41] soccer in the room. And it resembles
soccer if you fed soccer amphetamines
[7:45] and shoved it in a phone booth. Like
it's intensely fast. The the space is
[7:50] about as big as a basketball court.
The ball is small. Smaller center of
[7:54] gravity, five aside. It's passing lanes
are very narrow. The game is very fast.
[7:59] There's no space. You have to make
decisions right now. It forces you into
[8:03] the sweet spot over and over again.
There's no room. The ball's small,
[8:07] difficult to control. So the vision that
creates, the pressure that creates, it
[8:13] puts people into that zone of
development into that Clarissa spot.
[8:18] Brazil is uniquely addicted to football
desalo. There were until about 2009, I
[8:24] think there were 39 international
championships and Brazil had won 38 of
[8:28] them. It's played all over the nation.
And when you look at the biographies of
[8:31] great Brazilian players, they all spent
a huge portion of their youth doing this
[8:35] playing this game. That's what surprised
me about those those talent hotbeds that
[8:42] they were not making each other
comfortable. They were tipping their
[8:46] environment so that they could get into
that Clarissa zone so they could make
[8:49] more mistakes, so they could build more
skill. And I call it the rule of 20%. If
[8:55] you're making mistakes about 20% of the
time, you're probably in the sweet spot.
[8:59] If you're not making any mistakes, you
are not learning. If you're making 80%
[9:04] mistakes, you're not in the sweet spot.
That's pretty sour to be there. And the
[9:08] great irony of the sweet spot is that it
feels kind of bitter. It's really hard
[9:12] to hang out making 80% success and 20%
mistakes. It's hard. So, it takes that
[9:18] extra bit of focus. It takes that what
they would call deliberate practice.
[9:22] There was this embrace of struggle where
the struggle was validated, the struggle
[9:27] was expected, the struggle was noble. I
saw it really vividly at Spartak. Spartak
[9:33] is a tennis club outside of Moscow. It
has produced more top 25 women players
[9:38] than the entire United States in the
1990s and the early 2000. And when you
[9:43] get to Spartak, you start to wonder why.
because it's it's like in the middle of
[9:48] this huge park and it's
like an old Quazite hut. It
[9:53] looks like something ancient from World
War II. And when I walked there, I felt
[9:57] like I had gone to the wrong place
because it was sort of looked kind of
[10:00] deserted. There was a tiny door. I
remember opening the door, but I didn't
[10:04] hear tennis balls. I kind of expected
to hear tennis balls, but I didn't hear
[10:06] tennis ball. And the reason I didn't
hear is that they were all swinging
[10:10] without the ball. They were all in
a line, almost like dancers swinging
[10:14] slowly. And the teacher whose name was
Larisa Preobrazhenskaya, she was 79 and
[10:20] it was this was her routine. She would
not let them begin to compete until they
[10:25] had perfected the stroke. She was
incredulous. How can you start to
[10:28] compete unless you build the stroke?
And so what she was doing with that slow
[10:32] motion practice almost like dancers
moving through the stroke, fixing their
[10:37] wrist, fixing their elbow, having them
repeat it and repeat it until it was
[10:41] absolutely built and grooved. then they
could go to compete. It really for me
[10:46] captured that sense of of focus and and
focus on building that happens in these
[10:52] places. They're not sort of rolling out
the balls and saying go hit balls and
[10:56] see who's who has magical talent.
They're saying wait a minute we have to
[10:59] start from the ground. We have to start
from the most basic transfer of power
[11:03] from the most basic movement of your
body and let's focus on that and
[11:08] struggle through that until we've got
it. and they build it piece by piece by
[11:12] piece by piece. I mean, the rule of
10,000 hours has been both elevated and
[11:18] trashed in in recent years. And in some
ways, I think we've landed on this sort
[11:23] of medium area where it's not a hard and
fast rule. You can't just go do 10,000
[11:27] hours of something and be world class.
And yes, it depends on which skill
[11:31] you're trying to do. If you're doing
high jump, um, genetics play a bigger
[11:34] role on that. If you're doing the 100
meter sprint, genetics play a bigger
[11:37] role on that. But for most skills, it's
a pretty good rule of thumb to say you
[11:42] need to deep practice. You need to deep
practice a lot and you need to build
[11:47] that circuitry. That's sort of a
non-negotiable. You need to build that
[11:51] circuitry and that takes that takes
time. So there's not a sort of a a a
[11:56] shortcut or a hack to get to
this. spending time building those
[12:00] fundamentals, building those circuits,
making those mistakes, reaching past
[12:05] where you currently are on the edge of
your ability and doing that over and
[12:10] over again. That's what actually
skill is built of. It's kind of a
[12:14] depressing message in some way to say,
"Oh, yeah, there's not a there's not a
[12:18] shortcut." But on the other hand, what
I see in the talent hotbeds is that it's
[12:23] an immensely liberating message. It's
an immensely joyful message and it makes
[12:28] each repetition actually matter because
each time you're going to a slightly
[12:34] further place. You made the mistake, you
learned from the mistake, you grew. And
[12:38] so that growth is what repetition
actually is. There was also this sense
[12:44] that um you could steal ideas. There
wasn't a sense that everything was
[12:48] individual like that you had to figure
out your way to do it. It was a sense
[12:51] you could borrow and beg and steal
ideas from other people. And an elite
[12:55] environment is one where a person has
the opportunity to learn from others to
[13:00] stare to stare and learn. That's really
the first moment of deep practice when
[13:05] we look at a skill and say I want to do
that and kind of fall in love with it.
[13:10] Fall in love with that baseball swing.
Fall in love with that poem. Fall in
[13:14] love with that music. Fall in love with
that dance move to really take it inside
[13:19] yourself. And that's that same pattern
that I saw. A social environment where
[13:23] you can stare and learn. A place where
you're not focused on yourself, but
[13:28] you're using other people's ideas. And
a place where struggle is not just not
[13:32] just accepted, but validated and made
noble. You know, one of the greatest
[13:37] mysteries in the world is why did
the Renaissance happen? Why did the
[13:40] Renaissance happen in Italy at that
time? And there's all kinds of reasons
[13:43] historians give. Oh, it happened, you
know, because uh Florence was emptied
[13:48] out by the plague and because the Medici
existed. But when all those all those
[13:53] reasons also happened in other places,
why was it there? And what you find out
[13:57] when you dig into that is that Florence
was where craft guilds evolved. A guild
[14:02] was a workshop where young people were
brought in and taught the craft of
[14:06] mixing paint and carving stone and
making fresco and preparing pigments.
[14:12] And they would get hundreds of reps,
thousands of reps, thousands of hours
[14:16] spent learning about the fundamentals
of their craft. Each one of those reps
[14:20] putting them into that zone of deep
practice. That's the kind of environment
[14:24] that's an elite development environment.
It's not one where they got put in a
[14:28] kind of a country club environment and
given lessons from painters. It's ones
[14:31] where they were working every day with
other people on real projects, you know,
[14:36] learning as they went. first as a young
apprentice learning how to prepare the
[14:39] surface, then mixing the paints,
learning how the medium worked, watching
[14:43] great masters at work, they're staring,
they're struggling, and they're
[14:48] stealing. And that to me is an elite
environment. And so as we look at our
[14:53] schools, as we look at our families, as
we look at our work environments, the
[14:57] challenge to us is how do we create that
environment where it is safe to stare,
[15:02] struggle and steal together uh for in a
craft of getting better and create that
[15:09] kind of guild environment where we can
dig in and and grow ourselves. I think
[15:14] the most mind-blowing thing that I see
people astonished by is the compounding
[15:18] effect. If you improve 1% a day at
piano, at public speaking, at dance, at
[15:25] at at whatever you're trying to improve
at, 1% a day for a year, by the end of
[15:29] that year, you're 37 times better
than when you started. Compounding
[15:33] exponential growth is mindblowing. And
so that's why I think we've all had
[15:37] experiences in our lives where we've had
people around us who've just took ten
[15:43] off like rocket ships. Kids in our
neighborhood who've grown up to be
[15:46] incredible musicians maybe or people we
used to go to high school with who were
[15:50] very unimpressive who are now incredibly
impressive in terms of their skill and
[15:54] their talent level. And that speaks
really to all that potential that's
[15:58] that's that's right there waiting for
you when you take off that individual
[16:02] focus. When you start looking at
it through a more holistic kind of
[16:06] ecological lens, when you stop treating
talent as a magical gift and start
[16:10] treating as something you can grow, the
question this leads us to is how do you
[16:16] get that's a big project like growing
that much skill spending that much time?
[16:20] It's not an easy thing to spend all that
time at the edge of your ability. What
[16:23] makes someone do that? And the answer is
ignition. We tend to think of motivation
[16:28] as this internal trait. And yes, it
feels that way. But in fact, it's about
[16:32] this relationship, this interaction
that we have with the culture around us.
[16:36] Motivation doesn't happen from the
inside out. It always happens from the
[16:39] outside in. When we see someone that we
want to become, when we see some vision
[16:46] of our future self, that is what unlocks
motivation. Somebody who is sort of like
[16:50] a person on the horizon toward which we
want to travel. And there's all kinds of
[16:54] fascinating experiments that that um
that they've done to do this. One of my
[16:59] favorites is this birthday experiment.
They have a class read a biography of a
[17:04] mathematician and it gives some
information about the mathematician. It
[17:08] talks about where they were born, talks
about how they developed, and at the end
[17:11] of it as part of the bio, they give the
mathematician's birthday. But here's the
[17:14] twist. For half of the students, the
birthday of the mathematician matched
[17:18] their actual birthday. The experimenters
made it match. And then they gave
[17:22] everybody in that experiment a math
test. Like, okay, you write about this
[17:26] mathematician. How hard will you work
on the math test? And the peoples whose
[17:29] birthday matched worked three times as
hard on the math test. There was an ins
[17:34] unsolvable problem on the math test.
And they spent three times as much time
[17:38] working on that problem, which is kind
of crazy because all it was was just
[17:42] this little moment like you and the
math teacher are connected. This little
[17:45] guitar string inside them got plucked.
like, "Oh, that math teacher is
[17:49] connected to me in some way." And that
social connection unlocked energy. And
[17:55] that's how we're built. When we see
something that we really connect with in
[18:00] our windshield, that we feel that guitar
string get plucked, it unlocks energy.
[18:05] And that's that moment of ignition.
You know, we typically think of talent
[18:09] hotbeds as being kind of magical places,
but in fact, with many of them, you can
[18:13] go back in time and see the moment when
they got lit, when they got ignited. If
[18:18] you're a Russian tennis player, it was
when Anna Cornova went to the finals at
[18:22] Wimbledon. A girl from Spar from that
same club showed up. She went all the
[18:27] way to the finals at Wimbledon. Next
thing you know that there's more
[18:30] champions coming out of Spartac 5 years
later. If you're a baseball player on
[18:34] the island of Kurissau, it's the moment
Andrew Jones hit three home runs in a
[18:38] World Series in 1996. From that
moment on, that that island
[18:44] began it. It's like that ultimate guitar
string. They're all saying, "If they can
[18:49] do it, why can't I?" And that moment,
which is, by the way, completely
[18:53] irrational, illogical, defies everything
that we would know about individual
[18:58] development and talent. And yet because
talent is actually this process through
[19:05] which we are using energy funneling
energy into this deep practice to grow
[19:10] skills to grow circuitry. Um that's why
that's powerful. It's like a lightning
[19:15] bolt that absolutely lights up a place
where people can say if they can do it
[19:20] why can't I? Because motivation is this
kind of remarkable kind of lightning
[19:26] bolt moment. A lot of times you can't
force it to happen, but you you can
[19:30] increase the likelihood of it happening
with a certain set of tools. One place I
[19:35] saw that did this really well was Pixar.
You know, we all know Pixar is good at
[19:38] making movies. If you're a new employee
at Pixar, on your first day, you come to
[19:43] an auditorium and you sit there and Ed
Catmill tells you a couple things. He
[19:46] makes a very short speech. The speech
goes like this. Whatever you did before,
[19:51] you're a movie maker now. We need
you to help us make our films better.
[19:57] That's the end of the speech. It's a
very short speech. And then they have
[20:00] these things where they'll bring
everybody together and watch versions,
[20:06] rough versions of the Pixar films. The
whole company, baristas come together,
[20:10] engineers, IT folks, and they watch them
and they they ask for suggestions. Do
[20:14] you notice anything? Could be better.
And I met an IT guy who had suggested a
[20:19] badge on the character in Up. They had
some like funny message in his in his
[20:24] scout badges. There was a boy scout in
the movie up and the IT guy had raised
[20:27] his hand and made a suggestion and they
had put it in the movie. It's about
[20:31] creating a moment where you're inviting
someone in inviting someone in to play a
[20:36] role of active contribution to that to
that goal to that task to that larger
[20:41] thing. I saw it in Curaçao on the
baseball field you know that's a place
[20:46] that has produced uncountable
number of major leaguers
[20:50] after they produced just the one. I
coach little league, so I was curious,
[20:53] how do they organize their practice?
I organize my practice. There's just a
[20:56] coach and 12 players on the field
in Curaçao. There's about a hundred
[21:00] players and they're divided up into
groups and they have the older kids
[21:04] teaching them. Now, what a moment is
that? Rather than looking at some old
[21:08] guy, they're being taught by older
versions of themselves, kids who had
[21:13] been to the Little League World Series,
kids who were on their way to maybe play
[21:15] in the major leagues. Think about that
guitar string moment, that moment of
[21:20] being invited in to that struggle,
to that contribution, to that growth
[21:24] process. They're really good at
structuring environments to create that
[21:28] kind of that kind of invitation that Ed
Catmull is offering and that those older
[21:33] players in Curaçao are offering. It's
saying, "Here's a future vision of
[21:36] yourself. Here's something you can play
a part in. Do you want to do that?" And
[21:40] and inviting people in. We tend to
through that individualistic lens look
[21:45] at Pixar and Ed Catmull as being kind of
magical. Well, that's just their little
[21:49] magic dust or whatever. But it's a
playbook. I mean, it is an absolute
[21:52] playbook that you can with the right
level of deep knowledge and sincerity
[21:58] and learning and growth apply that in
other places. And they certainly did in
[22:01] Walt Disney when Walt Disney acquired
them. Walt Disney was struggling. They
[22:05] hadn't produced a good movie in a long
time, their animated division. And Ed
[22:09] Catmull started visiting there once a
week and he moved the desks around. So
[22:12] people had to come walk by him and he
created these brain trust meetings where
[22:16] they would get together just like with
the earlier example where people are
[22:20] pointing out flaws together and pointing
out things they could do better and next
[22:23] thing you know um Disney has turned
around their animated division entirely.
[22:28] >> Chapter 2, how great cultures are
built. When I got to the edge of individual
[22:35] talent, what became apparent is that
there were these places where people
[22:39] were coming together where 2 plus two
was equaling 10, where groups who were
[22:45] able to by combining in a certain way
create these entities. And when you
[22:50] combine individuals who are growing into
an entity that is growing and learning,
[22:55] that's where you get something really
powerful. And that's where we're talking
[22:57] about group culture. culture in our
modern conception of it often gets used
[23:02] as like it's the vibe of a group or it's
the feeling of being with the group or
[23:06] it's the identity of the group. I'd like
to offer a different theory which that
[23:10] culture is a set of living relationships
in pursuit of a shared goal. It's more
[23:15] of a functional definition of culture
rather than focusing on the vibe or the
[23:19] feel. It focuses on sort of the core
behaviors that allow a group to come
[23:23] together to become greater than the
sum of their parts. There's three
[23:26] relationships that every human being
has. It's your relationship to yourself.
[23:30] It's your relationship to others. And
it's your relationship to the larger
[23:34] world. And in places where they have got
this sense of thriving, this sense of
[23:39] connection, this sense of growth,
those relationships are unique. The
[23:43] relationship to the self ends up being a
relationship of growth. That you're not
[23:48] fixed. There's a belief that you can
grow. There's a belief that you can
[23:52] change. There's a belief that you're
not fixed. The relationship to others is
[23:57] really defined by curiosity and
connection. They're not focused on the
[24:01] self. They're focused on connection. And
connection creates energy. Connection
[24:05] creates possibility. And then their
relationship with the world, their their
[24:10] connection to the world tends to be one
of contribution and creativity. They're
[24:13] looking to find something to contribute
to, something to add. And so when you
[24:18] look at all of those thing, if you
were to x-ray all those places that I
[24:21] visited, these places where people are
truly thriving, whether it's a business
[24:25] or a sports team or a nonprofit or a
school, what you'd find with that X-ray
[24:29] is those same core qualities. Real
interest in personal growth, real
[24:34] interest in connection and curiosity
with others, and a deep connection to
[24:38] creativity and contribution. Those
interactions have got to feel and it
[24:42] kind of adds up to this kind of bubbling
sort of aliveness that I think we've all
[24:47] experienced at some point in our lives.
When we're around those kind of groups,
[24:50] we can feel it. That's not exactly
an accident. You know, we evolved in
[24:56] community. We did not evolve as a set
of rugged individuals rugging our way
[25:00] through time. We evolved connected
to others in community and living
[25:06] communities, groups of people that can
self-organize around problems and unlock
[25:10] hidden gifts and create something new
that wasn't there before. So those
[25:15] feelings of personal growth, of
curiosity and connection and of
[25:18] contributing to something better are
deeply wired into us. That's the reason
[25:22] they feel so familiar. The thing that
most people get wrong about culture is
[25:26] that they think it comes kind of from
the inside out. They think that if
[25:31] you're in a certain group, like if
you're in the Navy Seals, if you're in
[25:34] Pixar or if you're a Marine or something
like that, that that culture is in your
[25:38] heart and your guts and in your DNA.
It's their identity. And then when we
[25:42] think about that culture, all kind of
words typically come to mind. Like we
[25:45] think about say cohesion and honesty
and mission and purpose and values and
[25:51] integrity and trust and teamwork. And so
when we talk about culture, it tends to
[25:54] be really mushy. It tends to be this
really mushy thing. But when we look at
[25:59] culture through this functional lens, I
think it's more accurate to look through
[26:03] by looking at a great team in motion.
And of all the teams that I visited, one
[26:07] of the best ones that you could conceive
of would be a flock of starlings
[26:11] connected, moving through obstacles like
a flock of birds connected, moving as
[26:17] one through a forest. And what are they
doing there? Well, there's there's sort
[26:21] of three main connections there.
They'reconnected. That's number one.
[26:25] They're in the group. They're not out
of the group. They're not going off and
[26:28] having a meeting. They're all in. The
second thing they're doing is they're
[26:31] sharing information. They're moving
together because they're seeing what
[26:35] others are doing and transparently
responding with a shared awareness. And
[26:39] the third thing they're doing is they're
handling direction. They're moving
[26:42] toward something. They're moving toward
a north star. Not sort of this way or
[26:46] sorted that way, but moving all
together. That's what's like to watch
[26:49] Pixar make a movie or to watch the Navy
Seals in action or to watch a great
[26:53] sports team. They're connected. They're
sharing information to create a shared
[26:58] consciousness and they're moving toward
a goal. And that's the functional
[27:02] definition of culture. And be beneath
that are some core behaviors that will
[27:07] allow you to do that. Behavior number
one, building safety. Building safety is
[27:12] the absolute foundation. Nothing happens
without connection. We're trying to
[27:16] accomplish hard things. We're trying to
operate in a fast and fragmented world.
[27:21] And establishing that connection is not
something you do third and fourth. It is
[27:26] absolutely the primal thing that needs
to happen for any group to build a good
[27:30] culture. Safety is the greatest thing
to study. And one of my favorite studies
[27:34] about safety comes from a guy named
Peter Skillman. And Peter decided to
[27:38] study this through a contest. And the
contest was super simple. Who can build
[27:42] the tallest tower with the following
materials? 20 pieces of raw spaghetti, a
[27:47] yard of scotch tape, and a single
standard size marshmallow. The only rule
[27:52] is marshmallow has to go on the top. And
the interesting thing were the groups
[27:56] that Peter chose. He chose groups of
CEOs, groups of lawyers, groups of MBA
[28:02] students, and groups of kindergarteners.
And he gave them 15 minutes. Ready, set,
[28:07] go. And all the adult groups
started the same way. They talked.
[28:13] They talked. They had someone would have
an idea like, "Oh, I have an idea of how
[28:17] we could build it." And then they would
improve on that idea. And then they
[28:20] would divide up into roles and they'd
start to build according to their plan.
[28:24] And it looked awesome. It looked smart.
It looked collaborative. It looked
[28:27] beautiful. Right? Kindergarteners didn't
do that. Kindergarteners, they ate every
[28:32] marshmallow except for one. And then
they just started jamming pieces
[28:36] together like hand overhand, no plan,
total chaos. And if you had to bet your
[28:41] annual salary on which team would win,
most of us would bet on one of the adult
[28:46] teams because that's our model of group
performance. We focus on what we can
[28:50] see. And when we see like smooth,
planned, elegant, cooperative behavior,
[28:57] we assume it's going to add up into good
performance. And when we see chaos, we
[29:01] assume it's bad. But when we run the
experiment, the kindergarteners win like
[29:07] every single time. Their their towers
average 28 lines in height, the NBA are
[29:12] seven, the lawyers are 14, and the CEOs
are 21. They beat them over and over
[29:16] again. And it seems like an optical
illusion. You think, do it again. Do it
[29:20] again. But it's not an optical illusion
because it's not about how smart you
[29:24] are. It's about how safe you are. The
adult groups are doing what humans can't
[29:30] help but do. Managing status. We manage
our status. In every social group, we
[29:36] manage our status. It manifests as a
whisper in our subconscious mind saying,
[29:41] "Is it okay to say that?" Like, "Who's
in charge here? Are we being graded on
[29:45] this?" And that whisper slows
down iteration. slows down
[29:50] creativity. It self-silences us, right?
Kindergarteners are safer. Nobody's
[29:56] trying to be CEO of Spaghetti
Incorporated. They're doing a
[29:59] complicated problem. And what better way
to do it than to try stuff and see what
[30:04] happens and then fix that and then see
what happens and then fix that. They
[30:08] don't win because they're smart. They
win because they're safe. And so every
[30:12] great culture that I visited, I saw that
same pattern where they weren't trying
[30:16] to be smart. They weren't trying to be
like the adults. They were trying to be
[30:20] like the kindergarteners. They were
trying to create situations where people
[30:24] could try stuff, fail, and learn
and try stuff and get hand overhand,
[30:30] shoulder-to-shoulder, making mistakes
together and adding up to more
[30:34] performance, to more experiments, to
more learning. And the way safety gets
[30:39] delivered in human groups, if you're not
a kindergartener, is through belonging
[30:43] cues. Belonging cues are simple, clear
behaviors, not just words. behaviors
[30:49] that send a signal. I care. I see you.
We share a future. We are connected.
[30:56] Tell you a story about how those work.
There was a there's a company named
[30:59] Wipro. They were a call center. And
like many call centers, they struggled
[31:04] with retention. It's a hard job. People
would leave. And so Wipro responded by
[31:09] improving benefits, by improving the
campus, uh the call center environment,
[31:15] by boosting salary. None of it worked.
People kept leaving until they did a
[31:20] 1-hour experiment. And the experiment
was really simple. They took two groups
[31:25] of new hires, group A and group B. Group
A received a 1-hour session where they
[31:31] learned the history of Whipro. They met
a star performer and at the end they got
[31:36] a fleece shirt with whipro written on
it. Group B, similar 1 hour except they
[31:41] flipped it. In group B, the session
wasn't about whipro. The session was
[31:45] about the trainee. They asked the
trainee, "Hey, tell us what happens on
[31:50] your best day." Like, on your best day,
what's it like? Now, describe your worst
[31:54] day. Like, tell me what your worst day
is like. And then they said, "All right,
[31:58] thought experiment. We're on a desert
island. We're marooned for a month. What
[32:02] skills do you bring to our survival?"
And at the end, group B got a
[32:06] sweatshirt, but instead of saying
Wipro, it had the trainee name on it.
[32:10] Then they let the clock spin 6 months.
Retention in group B went up 300%.
[32:16] Not because of some magic chemistry, not
because they had something happen from
[32:20] the inside out, but because they had
received a crystal clear set of belonging
[32:25] cues. Simple signals that say, "Hey, I
see you. Uh, we're connected. We share a
[32:30] future. I care." And those signals are
what allow you to relax and what allow
[32:36] you to connect and what allow you to
bring your full self to the situation.
[32:40] One of the places you can learn most is
by going to places that are the opposite
[32:44] of safe environment that is exactly the
opposite of what the kindergarteners are
[32:48] producing or what's happening in Wipro.
And one such example is the Minutemen
[32:52] missiles, the nuclear officers that are
spread across the upper Midwest. And
[32:56] their job is to take care of the
Minutemen missiles that are ready for
[33:00] launch to have uh the possibility of
launch always over their head to always
[33:05] be perfectly disciplined and drilled to
execute their performance. But for years
[33:12] those crews were some of the worst
performing in the Air Force. There was
[33:16] cheating on the test. There were all
kinds of drug scandals. It was one of
[33:20] the worst performing crews. They were
losing missiles. In fact, they lost
[33:23] track of one nuclear missile. And each
time they would have a mistake, they
[33:27] would make the classic mistake of trying
to control people more, trying to put
[33:32] more controls in, more carrots, more
sticks, force compliance. And they're
[33:37] making the classic leadership mistake
is the more you control, the worse you
[33:42] lead. That's a a pattern that we've seen
throughout the history of command and
[33:48] control. And when they got a new set of
leaders leaders in, they sort of flipped
[33:53] it similar to the Wipro example where
instead of being pushing pushing pushing
[33:58] and transmitting, they actually set
about building community, building a
[34:02] culture from the ground up, creating
psychological safety, creating methods
[34:08] of feedback that brought problems to the
surface rather than pushing them out of
[34:12] sight. We're tempted to think, oh, those
are some bad apples that that are the
[34:17] problem. But in fact, it's a bad
environment. And the more you try to
[34:21] control, the worse you lead. The cool
thing about building safety is that like
[34:26] many of these changes to flip an
environment, you know, they're very
[34:30] subtle and small. It's a small signal.
And a couple of my favorites. There's
[34:34] the two-line email. It's an email you
send to people you work with, and it has
[34:38] two lines. This is an idea from Laszlo
Bock, who ran HR at Google for some
[34:42] time. You ask him, "What's one thing
you'd like me to keep doing? And what's
[34:48] one thing you'd like me to stop doing?
Two lines. Very simple, very powerful
[34:52] signal. I'm curious. Teach me. Help me.
We're going to be working together for a
[34:56] while here. I want to get better. And
what you find is when you send that
[34:59] email, it's a bit contagious. More
people will send that email out. It'll
[35:03] become sort of a cascade. Another big
one that's really simple is it was
[35:08] taught to me by a Navy Seal commander.
He pointed out that your face is like a
[35:11] door. It's got two settings. It can be
open or it can be closed. We kind of
[35:16] know what closed looks like, right?
We got our brow is down. Our jaw is
[35:19] set. We're determined. We've got kind of
that Clint Eastwood. We're transmitting
[35:24] some message to someone. Open. This is
your frontalus muscle. And it's probably
[35:29] the most important muscle on your
body when it comes to communicating
[35:33] curiosity, connection, you know,
energy, excitement, enthusiasm.
[35:38] This muscle, it doesn't really have
much of an evolutionary function. Has a
[35:42] tremendous social function. It might
be the most important muscle you have,
[35:45] especially in a world where we're on
Zoom calls more than ever. The last idea
[35:49] would say, "Embrace the messenger."
We're often told that we should not
[35:54] shoot the messenger. That's a pretty low
bar. I think what I see great leaders
[35:58] doing when they're be given bad news,
they actually celebrate that moment and
[36:03] they celebrate the person who brought
them that bad news. It's not enough just
[36:07] not to shoot them, to actually say, "I
know this is bad news and thank goodness
[36:12] you brought it to me." It's almost like
this is the moment where we're going to
[36:14] learn together. This is a moment where
we're actually going to grow, where
[36:17] actually are facing a truth together.
I was at a meeting recently uh with a
[36:22] major league baseball team. They were
about to make a big decision to hire a
[36:26] new manager. And at the last minute,
there was one person in the room who
[36:31] brought a passionate argument against
that. absolutely derailed the meeting,
[36:36] stopped the action from happening, and
it was a really awkward finish to the
[36:40] meeting because everyone thought we
were headed in this direction. The first
[36:43] thing the leader did, the president did
after that was go straight over to the
[36:47] person who had made the objection
and thank him for it. The person had
[36:51] derailed the whole decision process. The
person had stopped what everyone thought
[36:55] was going to happen from happening. And
the president said, "Thank you." And it
[37:00] really had an impact on everybody in
that room. You know, it's not enough not
[37:04] to shoot the messenger to actually say
thank you is is really uh an incredible
[37:09] cultural signal. The second skill
of building culture is sharing
[37:13] vulnerability. Now that we've
established this foundation of safety,
[37:16] how are we going to face the truth
together? How are we going to build a
[37:19] shared consciousness? And the way to
do that is to create these moments of
[37:23] openness. And they feel really weird.
My favorite experiment with this is
[37:28] something called the two-minute
experiment. You take a bunch of people,
[37:31] you divide them into two groups, and
they each pick a partner, turn to the
[37:35] person next to them, pick a partner.
Group A gets to pick a question, and the
[37:40] questions are very kind of fact-based.
It would say, "Talk about your favorite
[37:44] pop star or talk about the last pet
you owned." Group A talks about those
[37:48] questions. Group B gets a different set
of questions. Questions are a little
[37:51] more personal. The questions are like,
"When was the last time you cried?" Or,
[37:56] "Is there something you've always
dreamed of doing? Why haven't you done
[38:00] it? Questions like that. So, group B
talks about those questions. And what
[38:04] you find when you do this is the energy
level on the two sides of the room is
[38:08] radically different. Group A is
talking normally, exchanging facts and
[38:12] information. Group B, they're turning
toward each other. Their voices
[38:16] are getting raised. They're leaning
in. They're laughing. They're they're
[38:20] animated. There's a device called a
sociometer that captures the texture of
[38:24] social interactions. And if you had
a sociometer on each side, they'd be
[38:28] radically radically different. The
energy on this level is completely
[38:31] different. The question is why? Why does
that little personal question, when was
[38:36] the last time you cried? When is there
something you've always dreamed of
[38:40] doing, why haven't you done it? You
cannot answer those questions without
[38:45] creating a moment of openness, without
creating a moment of genuine openness
[38:50] and disclosure, without connecting.
And that openness is what creates
[38:55] connection, what creates energy, and
what ultimately creates relationships
[38:59] and trust, which is kind of crazy
because we're always taught and trained
[39:04] that we have to build up trust
before we can be vulnerable.
[39:08] The science shows we've got it exactly
backwards. Moments of vulnerability,
[39:13] when shared, create trust, ignite
connection, ignite relationship. In the
[39:18] original experiment, two strangers who
were in group B and began to talk about
[39:23] those deep questions got married. So,
you got to be careful who you do these
[39:27] questions with. And what's fascinating
about cultures is that they don't treat
[39:31] those moments of vulnerability as
something just organically happens. They
[39:35] actually engineer them. They treat them
more like a calisthenic. We're going to
[39:40] circle up and we're going to talk about
the truth. We're going to we're going to
[39:43] see what's going on here. We're going to
share and create a shared consciousness
[39:48] around these hard things we're doing
together. Like a calisthenic, it burns.
[39:52] It hurts, right? And like a calisthenic,
it makes you better. One of the guys who
[39:57] is the best at explaining this was a man
named Dave Cooper. Dave Cooper commanded
[40:01] the troops that got Bin Laden. And when
I had breakfast with him, he said, "The
[40:06] four most important words a leader can
say are, "I screwed that up." Why is
[40:13] that? That's kind of a remarkable
thing for a great leader of kind of an
[40:16] invincible group to say, but when
you look at it through the lens of
[40:19] vulnerability, what that is, it's an
invitation to say, "Yeah, we're all
[40:23] going to talk about those things
together." The SEALs are really good at
[40:28] it. They've operationalized it into what
they call an AAR, afteraction review.
[40:34] Whenever they do a mission or finish a
training run, the first thing they do
[40:38] before eating, before sleeping, is
they circle up and they ask three tough
[40:43] questions. What went well? What didn't
go well? And what are we going to do
[40:48] differently? Really simple questions,
really powerful questions. But in that
[40:52] conversation, people are saying, "I
screwed up. I think you screwed up. What
[40:56] I think that was ter I think that was
right." and they have this conversation
[41:00] of real vulnerability where they create
a shared awareness of what they're
[41:04] actually trying to do and get a little
bit better. It's almost like groups are
[41:09] sort of they get stronger the same way
our bodies get stronger, which is by
[41:13] enduring these moments of kind of a
test, right? We get stronger when we do
[41:18] hard things together and groups get
stronger when they do hard emotional
[41:22] things together. places that really do
this well, they tend to focus on small
[41:28] group conversation. They'll do just
like the seals do with an AR. They
[41:32] circle up and they talk about what
happened. And you see that same pattern
[41:36] of taking action and then doing
something that's difficult for most
[41:40] groups to do to pause and really assess
and connect. And those assessments often
[41:46] are not led by the leader. They're often
led by people who are lower on the totem
[41:50] pole. Why is vulnerability so important?
You know, that's a good question. Can't
[41:54] we just sort of build safety and do
stuff and figure that the purpose of
[41:58] creating a safe environment is not just
to make people feel safe. It's to give
[42:02] people the courage to speak out. There
was a great moment in the NBA finals
[42:06] back in 2015. The Golden State Warriors
were losing to the Cleveland Cavaliers
[42:10] that nobody could defend LeBron. And so
the Golden State Warriors had a meeting
[42:15] and they were saying, "How can we defend
LeBron?" and the video intern at the
[42:20] meeting raised his hand with a
suggestion and it turned out to be a
[42:24] really smart idea and they used it and
they defended LeBron better and they won
[42:28] the series. The interesting part of that
story is not the moment the video intern
[42:32] shares the idea. It's the million
moments before that gave him permission
[42:38] to raise his hand. It's the how many
little interactions did he have with the
[42:43] players, with the coaching staff that
he felt courage enough to raise his hand
[42:48] and share that idea. Those moments are
where safety and vulnerability really
[42:53] start to play. The purpose of safety
is to let people be vulnerable. So, you
[42:58] can't have one without the other. And
that's why they're so powerful together
[43:02] because that moment of safety, that
moment of connection lets you reach with
[43:05] courage and step into uncertainty like
that video intern did, which makes you
[43:10] feel more connected. And that's what
great culture is. Those moments of of
[43:14] feeling so connected that you can speak
out and that deepens your connection. We
[43:18] started with safety, the foundational
skill, then vulnerability, which creates
[43:22] action. And now we've got a question,
how do we figure out our direction? And
[43:26] that's the third skill, establishing
purpose. We see purpose sort of written
[43:30] in mission statements and we see it on
the walls and we see it we see it as as
[43:35] like these big statements, these big
north stars we're moving toward. What I
[43:39] find in high performing groups is that
they're much more skilled at creating
[43:43] the lowercase P purpose. What's our
purpose as this team right now in this
[43:49] space? A lot of them will have these
moments where they will come together
[43:52] and talk about why they're doing the
task right now. I've seen groups call it
[43:56] process called teaming. The teaming
process begins with bring coming
[44:00] together and talking about the why.
Talking about what's our ideal end state
[44:04] here and why does this matter? Getting
personal about what we're energized by
[44:08] and what we're deenergized by. And that
moment of bringing the team together to
[44:12] talk about that stuff lets them create
their own sense of purpose for this
[44:15] project. They're not doing it for the,
you know, that big how pie in the sky
[44:20] long distance thing. They're doing it
for each other and they're doing it to
[44:23] solve a problem together. And often
times from on the best teams, the
[44:27] purpose often can end up being each
other, the relationships on the team. If
[44:32] you talk to great teams about why they
do things, they will inevitably talk
[44:36] about doing it to be a teammate, to be
a great teammate, to support the people
[44:40] next to them. There's something about
turning toward hard problems with people
[44:44] we like and admire that is addictive.
And I think great cultures tap in to
[44:49] that feeling, that energy we get.
There's nothing like turning toward hard
[44:53] problems with people that we admire.
And so finding spaces where people can
[44:58] create those kind of cohesive teams is
really an important part of purpose. The
[45:04] other thing about creating purpose
is that you can't talk about it too
[45:08] much. I went into my research thinking
that purpose would be something kind of
[45:13] in people's heart and they wouldn't
necessarily talk about it very much. But
[45:17] what I found was the opposite. And a lot
of the high performing cultures that I
[45:20] visited, they would talk about it all
the time. You know, at Pixar, they would
[45:24] always talk about the culture. The Navy
Seals are always talking about the only
[45:28] easy day was yesterday, and we shoot,
move, and communicate, and we're the
[45:33] quiet professionals. Like, they actually
can't shut up about how quiet they are.
[45:37] I'm reminded of a study they did where
they asked CEOs, "How many people can
[45:42] name the top three priorities of your
organization?" And they thought about it
[45:46] and they estimated. They estimated 64%
could name the top three priorities and
[45:52] then they surveyed the people it turned
out to be 3%. 3%. So we routinely
[45:58] overrate the clarity factor. And so
I think one of the reasons that these
[46:04] cheesy mantras, these cheesy repetitions
always are brought in is because they
[46:10] stick in your head and because they work
and because they they make it vivid in
[46:14] in times where we're constantly being
pulled different directions. Having a
[46:17] good cheesy saying like quiet
professional works. One of the best
[46:22] stories about that that I know has to do
with Danny Meyer. Danny Meyer opened a
[46:26] restaurant in New York. He now runs
Shake Shack. He's opened 22 restaurants.
[46:30] He's um sort of the Pixar of the
restaurant world, I would say. He opened
[46:35] his first restaurant, it was
successful. He opened his second
[46:40] restaurant and they both started to fail
because he couldn't be in both places.
[46:46] When he was in the room, you knew what
proficiency was. Everyone looked at him.
[46:51] Everyone knew how to behave. Everyone
knew what mattered. But when he couldn't
[46:55] be in both restaurants, they both
started to fail. And that's where he did
[46:58] something really smart when it comes to
building a culture of proficiency. He
[47:03] closed both restaurants and went on a
retreat. and he started building what he
[47:07] called a mantra map which was distilling
the comp all the key behaviors of his
[47:13] culture into a series of catchphrases.
They were really kind of cheesy
[47:18] catchphrases. It was like the excellence
reflex. Mistakes are waves. Servers are
[47:25] surfers of those waves. The road
to success is paved with mistakes
[47:31] well-landled. Loving problems.
Those were all the kind
[47:35] of mantras and those seem kind of cheesy
at first, right? Excellence reflex,
[47:39] loving problems, athletic, hospitality.
But I was having breakfast with Danny
[47:45] Meyer one day in in his one of his
restaurants and in the corner of the
[47:48] restaurant, somebody dropped a tray of
glasses on the floor and Danny Meyer
[47:52] stopped talking to me and he started
looking in the corner and I said, "What
[47:55] are you looking for?" And he said, "One
of two things is about to happen. Either
[48:00] this restaurant's going to come together
and they're going to clean up this mess
[48:04] together and the energy level is going
to go up or there's going to be some
[48:08] hint of anger and blame, resentment,
and the energy level is going to drop.
[48:12] Litmus test. As it happened, they came
together, it went up, and it really put
[48:17] a spotlight on how genius his mantra map
is. Culture doesn't happen when things
[48:24] are smooth. Culture happens when there's
a moment of adversity. And when there's
[48:28] a moment of adversity, it is very
helpful to have a compass. It is very
[48:31] helpful to have a map of
mantras, athletic hospitality,
[48:37] loving problems. The road to success
is paved with mistakes well-landled.
[48:45] That's not cheesy. That's genius. And so
building that kind of language, language
[48:51] is immensely powerful when it comes to
sending a lighthouse beam of clarity
[48:56] around proficiency. And so creating
getting your team together and building
[49:00] your own mantra map ends up being one
of the most powerful things you can do
[49:05] because you already know what challenges
you are going to face. It's not a
[49:08] mystery. If you're a trauma team, if
you're a high school teacher, if you're
[49:12] a tech worker, you know what those
challenges are going to be. So why not
[49:17] anticipate that? Why not talk about the
kinds of responses you think you should
[49:20] have? Why not create a mantra with
your team? The other thing you do is
[49:24] storytelling. Stories are so powerful.
Stories are the most powerful drug ever
[49:29] created. Stories stick in your head 22
times better than data does. And so when
[49:35] there is a story to be told, treating
that as a little nugget, as a little
[49:41] piece of gold, as a little radio station
you can broadcast into your group. I
[49:46] know a lot of tech groups that they'll
do an end of the week gathering and it's
[49:50] called a CSWD meeting. Cool stuff we do.
And they're just sharing cool ideas that
[49:56] they've heard. Cool stuff we do. Let's
have a CSWD meeting. Simple stories that
[50:00] can be shared and that can help people
navigate. Stories are navigational
[50:04] tools. Another one are symbols. Symbols
are important. Symbols capture things
[50:09] that can't be captured in words. There's
a reason that every belief system in the
[50:13] world uses symbols because they're
powerful. If you walk in to the
[50:18] headquarters of the San Antonio
Spurs, one of the most successful NBA
[50:22] organizations on the planet over the
last 30 years, you walk in and you see a
[50:26] rock and a hammer sitting there behind
glass case. Just a big rock and a big
[50:30] old hammer. It comes from a story that
the coach Gregg Popovich saw years ago.
[50:36] It was about a granite quarryman who's
pounding on a rock with a sledgehammer
[50:42] and someone comes along and says, "Why
do you keep pounding that rock?" And he
[50:45] said, "When the rock splits, I will not
know if it is the last blow or all the
[50:49] blows that came before that did it."
That's a story that he tells in the
[50:54] group. And he makes that story come
alive every time the players come in.
[50:58] Every time they leave, what do they see?
What's the mantra at the San Antonio
[51:02] Spurs? Pound the rock. So, these things
turning our behaviors into language that
[51:08] can be shared, that can be spotlighted,
that can be celebrated. And not just
[51:14] good stories, by the way. The bad
stories matter, too. Telling stories
[51:18] about the disasters that happened,
about the mistakes people made, that is
[51:22] perhaps even more powerful in helping
us navigate. Because when it comes
[51:26] navigating, knowing where to go is
really good. And knowing where not to go
[51:30] is even better. So as you build safety
at the bottom, that's the connective
[51:34] function. Safety. Do I belong? Do I have
a place here? Do I have a future? Do we
[51:39] care about each other? Upon that, we add
sharing vulnerability. Are we telling
[51:44] the truth? Do we have a shared
consciousness? Are we hiding and
[51:47] avoiding or are we facing problems
together? And then finally, how do we
[51:51] handle direction? We do that with a
really clear northstar of purpose. So
[51:54] cultures are these living feedback
spirals that are moving in search of
[51:59] some north star. So it's a set of living
relationships establishing safety,
[52:04] sharing vulnerability, and
moving toward that purpose.
[52:08] Chapter 3, flourishing and the
hidden rules of human connection.
[52:12] >> We know that it's possible to perform
at a really high level and still have an
[52:18] empty life. We see those examples
all around us. It's possible to climb
[52:23] mountains and you get to the top and
you just see more mountains. It got me
[52:27] interested in extending those ideas,
looking at the environments, looking at
[52:32] the interactions of places that were
creating joy, fulfillment, connection,
[52:39] deep places of flourishing. What does
it mean to flourish? It's joyful,
[52:44] meaningful growth shared. That was
the piece that when you look at the
[52:49] scientific definition of flourishing
that surprised me the most. Joyful,
[52:53] meaningful growth. Okay, I got that.
Shared. Shared. That struck me by
[52:57] surprise at first. But the more you look
around and when you begin to investigate
[53:02] the phenomenon of flourishing, people
who are experiencing joyful, meaningful
[53:05] growth, what you find out is
that all flourishing is mutual.
[53:10] We become our best selves in and through
our relationships with other people.
[53:15] There's nobody flourishing in a cave in
Switzerland by themselves. There are no
[53:19] rugged individualists flourishing. We
need other people to do it. When we look
[53:24] at it through that lens, it it gives us
some insight into two basic things. The
[53:30] first is that, hey, this is a team
sport. It's not about me. It's about the
[53:33] space in between us. And the second
insight is that we're pre-built to do
[53:37] it. We're pre-built for this. Our
ancestors did not get here by being
[53:43] rugged individuals. They got here
through their ability to form and and
[53:48] thrive through community. And so because
we become our best selves in and through
[53:53] other people. This idea that that it's
joyful mean of growth that we shared, it
[53:58] really puts the question on what's that
sharing consist of? What does it look
[54:02] like? How do we do it in our own
lives? And how do we do it in this
[54:06] individualistic era that we're living
in? We get a great look into that by
[54:11] looking at an example of unlikely
flourishing that happened in the bottom
[54:15] of a Chilean mine in 2010. 33 miners
were trapped with very little hope of
[54:22] rescue thousand feet below the surface
with 100 million tons of rock on top of
[54:26] them. They spent 16 days in darkness not
knowing if they were going to live or
[54:30] die. They emerged like brothers. They
emerged with this incredible bond. The
[54:36] question is how did that happen? How did
they get through this period of time,
[54:39] these 16 days with no idea? The early
stories that came out of the mine had to
[54:45] do with charismatic leaders who led the
way and who told people what to do and
[54:49] who organized the group. But some
studies that came later showed the
[54:53] truth. What brought the group together
were not charismatic leaders. It was
[54:57] when they circled up, surrendered
control, and opened up to each other.
[55:02] The first moment happened shortly after
they were trapped. They circled up and
[55:07] the leader of the group, a stern
supervisor named Luis Urzua, walked to
[55:12] the center of the group. He had a white
helmet on, a supervisor's helmet. He
[55:16] took off his helmet and he said, "There
are no bosses and no employees anymore."
[55:21] Which stopped everybody. This wasn't
a statement of leadership. It was a
[55:25] question. He was posing this question
to the group, creating this space. Few
[55:30] minutes later, there was another moment
where they were counting heads and they
[55:34] ended to be 33 minors. And one of the
minors, many of them were Catholic,
[55:39] said, "That's the same age as Jesus
when he was crucified. Maybe there's
[55:44] something bigger waiting for us
outside." Another question, not a
[55:48] statement, not a direction, not a we
need to do this, a question. And what
[55:53] brought that group together was that
moment of creating space when the group
[55:58] could let go of control, circle up and
actually grapple with the situation that
[56:02] they were in. And what that moment
did, what those questions did was they
[56:06] sparked engagement. The people started
self-organizing into groups. One of them
[56:10] organizing the sleeping space, one of
them organizing their meager stash of
[56:14] food. They developed these rituals
around food each time, taking a little
[56:18] sharing a little scrap of canned tuna
and they would sort of everyone would be
[56:23] served and they would wait until
everybody's ready and they would say a
[56:26] prayer and they would eat it together.
They developed these rituals around
[56:29] playing games in the dark together. They
developed a guardian angels uh program
[56:34] where when one would sleep, the other
would kind of watch over them. They
[56:37] developed this sort of confessional.
When someone would make a mistake,
[56:41] they'd have an opportunity to confess
that mistake to the group. They
[56:44] developed an entire little civilization
in the worst environment you could
[56:47] imagine. They were able to come together
so that when they were rescued, I mean,
[56:51] there was no question that they were
thriving. When they were asked to go up
[56:55] in the the final rescue elevator, they
kept deferring to others saying, "No,
[56:59] you go first. No, you go first." The
transformative power of community
[57:04] doesn't get created by people with
answers. They get created by people who
[57:08] create space who create questions and
then who create space for people to
[57:12] explore those questions together to
step into uncertainty together. All this
[57:17] stuff when you talk about it sounds a
little soft. It sounds a little kumbaya
[57:21] but the fact is over and over again we
see the same pattern. Leaders places
[57:26] that are able to create that space where
people can make meaning together and
[57:30] then people can build community
together. step into that uncertainty and
[57:35] build something new. That's the process
of flourishing. Seen this way, like
[57:41] flourishing isn't some magic thing that
happens to certain lucky people. It's
[57:45] much more like a skill. And like any
skill, it's got two practices, two
[57:49] pillars. The first is making meaning.
How do we stop and see what matters? How
[57:54] do we stop and make meaning together?
The second one is building community.
[57:58] How to create something new together?
How do we connect in ways and turn to
[58:03] make something better together? That's
what community is. When people turn
[58:06] toward each other to make their
situation better. So those two actions,
[58:10] the first is like a pause that creates
energy. The second is action. So the
[58:15] first they work together kind of like a
heartbeat you could say. You stop, you
[58:19] see what matters, you make meaning
together, you have a deep connection,
[58:23] you connect deeply. Then let's try
something. Let's do some messy project
[58:28] together. let's take something on. And
that is the kind of ultimate thread of
[58:34] human community throughout time.
Circling up, coming together, finding
[58:40] meaning, and then using that energy
toward making their situation better.
[58:44] And that's what community is in a
nutshell. And that's the heartbeat
[58:47] beneath it. There's this neighborhood
in Paris. It was like any other
[58:51] neighborhood. It was kind of um you know
little people buried in their phones,
[58:56] upper middle class, people busy all the
time. There's a journalist there named
[58:59] Patrick Bernard who got obsessed with
this question. He's like, "Does it have
[59:04] to be this way?" And as a journalist, he
decided to do an experiment. He rented
[59:10] 80 tables to create the longest table
in Paris. He closed off a street, got
[59:15] permission to close off a street, and
then invited everyone for a potluck.
[59:18] Bring your own dish. It's going to
happen on this day. longest lunch table
[59:22] in Paris. His neighbors thought he was
kind of nuts and his neighbors called
[59:25] him a teddy bear kisser, which is sort
of like saying, "You're a naive soul.
[59:30] Bison," they call it. "Oh, you're a
teddy bear kisser. This will never
[59:33] work." Of course, people are distant.
It's Paris. People are snobbish, you
[59:37] know. Get over it. There wasn't a lot of
optimism going into it. But when the day
[59:40] came, the whole neighborhood showed up.
The kids started turning the cones into
[59:45] like giant megaphones. People were came
playing instruments. People brought
[59:49] their own food. It was this immense
celebration. And then Bernard did the
[59:54] next thing. He had them selforganize
into groups. He had them self-organized
[59:58] into interest groups. Like if you're
into biking, here's where the biking
[1:00:00] group's going to meet. If you're into
cheese, here's the cheese group. If
[1:00:03] you're into history, here's the history
group. If you're into dogs, here's the
[1:00:06] dog walking group. And those groups
gathered with only two rules. First is
[1:00:11] no negativity, no politics. And the
second rule is you have to gather around
[1:00:15] a joy device. a joy device, meaning
coffee, alcohol, food. You have to
[1:00:21] gather around something, small groups.
And you go in that neighborhood today
[1:00:25] and it feels like you're in a village.
There was an older woman who broke her
[1:00:29] wrist. She got 15 offers of help to take
care of groceries. When an older person
[1:00:34] goes into the hospital, there's a group
of people that selforganized to water
[1:00:38] their plants and take care of their
dogs together. It feels like you're in a
[1:00:41] different place. It feels like you're in
a village. What happened? It's the same
[1:00:46] people. What happened was he tipped
the environment to create this sense of
[1:00:51] meaning and presence. That table is not
just a table. That table like any ritual
[1:00:57] is this pause where you can actually
connect and actually bring your gift to
[1:01:02] the circle. Those kind of moments which
produce nothing useful. You know that
[1:01:07] table produced nothing that you could
measure and that's why it worked because
[1:01:11] you're putting people in a different
attentional state. We walk around in the
[1:01:16] modern world focused with kind of this
narrow task attention turned on where
[1:01:21] we're looking at things and figuring
out how to get from A to B to C to D.
[1:01:25] Moments like that and tables like that
and environments like that, just like
[1:01:29] with the Chilean miners, they're open
questions. They're spaces that allow us
[1:01:33] to step into uncertainty alongside other
people and create meaning together. And
[1:01:38] that's how we're pre-wired to behave.
That's where meaning comes from. The
[1:01:42] meaning in our own life happens when we
stop, when we widen our attention, when
[1:01:46] we surrender control, and when we
connect. And so creating environments
[1:01:51] where that connection can happen is the
key move. We're taught our brains are
[1:01:57] these problem-solving devices. That's
true. They're good at solving little
[1:02:00] problems and analyzing. They're also
good at creating relationships. And so
[1:02:04] creating spaces where those
relationships can take root and grow is
[1:02:08] really the key move. All of these
places are like little green houses.
[1:02:13] They're a little disorganized and
they're they're that's where that
[1:02:16] aliveness comes from because you're not
quite sure what's going to happen. It's
[1:02:19] almost like walking up to that potluck
and you're not sure what's going to
[1:02:23] happen. Are people going to like my
dish? Am I going to like theirs? Who's
[1:02:26] going to sit next to me? Who what's
going on over there? This atmosphere of
[1:02:30] aliveness and uncertainty is the exact
opposite of the algorithmic world in
[1:02:36] which so much of the modern world is
built on where it's about frictionless
[1:02:41] certainty. What's happening over here
is friction-y uncertainty and that's why
[1:02:46] it's powerful. That's how relationships
get built. They don't get built over
[1:02:49] here. This is just function. But over
here you've got this sense of openness,
[1:02:54] reciprocal openness and connection that
creates actual relationships. And that's
[1:02:58] how we're built to make relationships.
This year, we've all seen the New
[1:03:02] England Patriots go from being 4 and
13 last year to going to the Super Bowl
[1:03:06] this year on that team. They have
incredible relationships. They've talked
[1:03:10] about it all year. And the question is,
how' they do that? Well, the answer is
[1:03:13] on the first day of practice, their new
coach, Mike Vrabel, didn't practice.
[1:03:18] Didn't practice. He didn't do the
utilitarian thing. It made sense to
[1:03:21] practice, but he didn't. He did this
thing that didn't make sense, which is
[1:03:24] called the four H's exercise. You get
into small groups. You circle up just
[1:03:28] like that French table. You circle up
and you get into these four topics.
[1:03:32] Who's your hero? What's your
history? Where you from?
[1:03:36] How'd you get here? What's your heartbreak?
[1:03:39] And give me a hope. What's your hope for
the coming year? Super simple exercise.
[1:03:44] Doesn't take long. 15 minutes the most.
But at the end of that exercise, what
[1:03:49] you've created is you've taken these
relationships that were transactional
[1:03:53] and you've opened them up. You've
energized him. You've created this deep
[1:03:57] connection. And we often talk about
that as if it's just like this chemistry
[1:04:02] thing like, "Oh, we had a good
relationship. We had a good talk." It's
[1:04:05] like, "Well, yeah, and those things can
be engineered. Those environments can be
[1:04:11] created. Those questions aren't actually
questions. They're spaces for people to
[1:04:16] actually step forward and connect." When
we look at our attention systems, and
[1:04:21] I'm using the plural there, it is
attention systems. We typically think we
[1:04:24] just have one attention system, but when
you look at the neurology of this, we
[1:04:28] have two attention systems. We have task
attention, which sees the world narrowly
[1:04:34] as something to control. It evolved for
as the way that we spot food, categorize
[1:04:39] it, and grab it. If your ancestors are
going to survive, they need to be able
[1:04:43] to do that. You need to see something
and control it. But you also need to pay
[1:04:47] attention to the wider world, which is
why we have the second attention system,
[1:04:51] which is relational attention. It's
much broader. It catches the nuances of
[1:04:55] things. It's how we connect to other
people, to groups. It's how we we sense
[1:05:00] narrative. It's how we sense all
the things that aren't narrow and
[1:05:04] controlled. And so that moment of
surrender and control, that moment of
[1:05:08] stepping into uncertainty and saying,
"Oh yeah, I'll share with you my
[1:05:11] heartbreak." Is that moment where our
relational attention is being lit up
[1:05:15] like a lamp. It's where all of a sudden
we're going from this to this. And
[1:05:20] that's what relationships are made of.
Those moments where you feel connection,
[1:05:24] where you feel real, illogical,
irrational, non-informational,
[1:05:30] just like meaning. It's like that guitar
string inside you gets plucked a little
[1:05:35] bit and you feel a vibration.
Flourishing groups are really, really
[1:05:40] good at creating those moments. They
don't treat them as accidental. They
[1:05:45] treat them as part of the daily fabric
of life to get together and and create
[1:05:49] those moments. And one of the people on
the planet I think who is the best at it
[1:05:55] uh was Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers of the
the television show Fame. You know, his
[1:06:00] show was almost cancelled a year after
it was on and they couldn't get a new
[1:06:05] sponsor and they announced that the show
was going to be ending. And it's never
[1:06:08] happened in the history of PBS that
angry mothers come to PBS stations and
[1:06:13] pick it and and protest. In Los Angeles,
three pe 3,000 people showed up to
[1:06:18] support Mr. Rogers, how did he create
that deep connection that because of
[1:06:23] that support, the show has continued.
He's become the icon. All he did on that
[1:06:28] show was create this attentional
architecture where he's continually
[1:06:32] stopping, creating space. Every time he
spoke a word, he would pause and wait as
[1:06:37] if the other person, the kid was on the
other end of the television was talking
[1:06:40] to them. Continual awareness. He had a
little exercise that he did that brought
[1:06:46] the that he did it in front of the crowd
at the Emmy Awards in the late 90s and
[1:06:50] it just it was a very
[1:06:51] simple exercise. It lasted 10 seconds.
>> All of us have special ones who have
[1:06:57] loved us into being. Would you just take
along with me 10 seconds to think of
[1:07:05] the people who have helped you become who
you are? those who have cared about you and
[1:07:14] wanted what was best for you
in life. 10 seconds of silence.
[1:07:20] I'll watch the time. And the
whole crowd is is weeping at the
[1:07:26] end. These people are all glamour glitzy
at the top of their profession. And
[1:07:31] every bit of eyeliner in that room was
running. whomever you've been thinking
[1:07:36] about, how pleased they must be to know
the difference you feel they've made.
[1:07:43] >> 10 seconds he was able to awaken and
nurture the relationships that they're
[1:07:49] that are in their lives waiting to
be awakened. And so that's what those
[1:07:53] groups are good at doing. And it it
sounds soft. It sounds kind of, you
[1:07:57] know, kumbaya and yet it's the most
elemental part, the most fundamental
[1:08:02] part of building what human beings are
born to build, which is community. Why
[1:08:08] do rituals exist? There was a there's a
an author a while back who wrote a book
[1:08:12] about rituals and he offered readers if
they could find any human group that did
[1:08:15] not do rituals, they would get the price
of the book back. He has received no
[1:08:20] such offers because every human group
has rituals. We are absolutely built for
[1:08:25] them. What is a ritual except a space
where the usual causal laws of cause and
[1:08:31] effect do not apply. A ritual is
something that says, "I'm going to light
[1:08:35] this candle. It's going to make me work
better at my desk today." A ritual is a
[1:08:41] piece of a good luck charm or something
like that. They don't actually have a
[1:08:44] cause and effect. They only work through
this sense of presence. They only work
[1:08:50] through this sense of illogical
connection. When we see communities and
[1:08:54] cultures, a lot of them are using ritual
to that exact effect. Why Iceland, for
[1:09:01] example, has some of the closest
community cultures on the planet? Well,
[1:09:06] they also happen to have these rituals
where they all take a hotring bath uh
[1:09:12] once a week all together, the whole
community together. They will come
[1:09:16] together in those rituals. Not there's
other ways they could get clean. There's
[1:09:19] other ways they could achieve those same
goals, but taking the time to do that
[1:09:23] ritual is what helps bring them
together. In the modern world, we focus
[1:09:28] a lot on habits to automate our lives.
Habits to make things go quicker and
[1:09:33] more efficiently so we don't have to
think. That's how habits are built, so
[1:09:37] that we can automate. Rituals are so
we animate our lives. there. So, we can
[1:09:42] actually slow down and pay a deeper form
of attention, whatever that ritual might
[1:09:48] be. Maybe that ritual is prayer, maybe
that ritual is a good luck charm, maybe
[1:09:53] that ritual is something else. But
finding rituals slow us down and they
[1:09:57] infuse rather than automating our lives,
they infuse our lives with a new kind of
[1:10:01] animation. Building community happens
through a process that I call group
[1:10:06] flow. Group flow is the process through
which a group comes together to navigate
[1:10:12] problems and to self-organize into new
shapes and patterns. It operates like
[1:10:18] anything according to two rules. The
first rule is the rule of the beautiful
[1:10:21] mess and the second rule is the rule of
surprise. The rule of the beautiful mess
[1:10:27] says that disorder is not the obstacle,
it's the doorway. Now when I visited
[1:10:32] these places, I kept encountering the
same scene. They would deliberately
[1:10:37] design messes. The New Zealand All
Blacks, one of the best rugby teams in
[1:10:41] the world, they have a certain period of
their season, a certain period of their
[1:10:45] week where they will let the players run
practice. This isn't the smoothest way
[1:10:50] to do it, right? The smoothest way to
run practice is to have coaches run
[1:10:54] practice. That's not how they do
it. It creates all kinds of of
[1:10:58] unpredictability, all kinds of messes.
But what does it also create? It allows
[1:11:03] them to self-organize into these
problems. It allows them to create new
[1:11:07] patterns. It gives them a sense of deep
agency and ownership. I saw the same
[1:11:11] pattern. There was a an art teacher
named Linda Barry, and she would often
[1:11:15] pair one of her master's art students
with a four-year-old. That's how she
[1:11:20] would design it. Was it predictable?
No. Was it neatly designed? No. It was
[1:11:25] messy. It was messy. Having a
four-year-old work with a master student
[1:11:28] is a mess. But what happens in that
mess? The master student kind of
[1:11:32] rediscovers the joy of creating art. The
four-year-old discovers like the power
[1:11:37] of what they're doing. It's it's an
incredible moment. It's the same as what
[1:11:41] the All Blacks were doing. They're
purposely creating a little bit of chaos
[1:11:46] so that life is not like a machine, but
that it's more like a pickup basketball
[1:11:50] game. And that's the rule of the
beautiful mess. You have to create some
[1:11:54] disorder to create group flow. You have
to create some disorder to actually
[1:11:58] create community. Community is not about
staying ordered. Community is about
[1:12:03] creating and building together. And the
model of a pickup basketball game is
[1:12:07] actually very powerful because there's
three factors that you need to have with
[1:12:11] group flow. You need to have a clear
horizon. You need to have a basket that
[1:12:16] you're shooting for. You need to have a
clear gradient that you're moving down.
[1:12:20] You need to have some really clear guard
rails, sort of like places where you can
[1:12:25] go and you can't go. And you need to
have agency. You need to give people
[1:12:29] freedom to navigate. And so those
factors, that sense of ownership, that
[1:12:34] sense of agency, that sense of horizon
is what we see in group flow. And it
[1:12:39] turns leadership less into the question
of how do I tell them what to do? How do
[1:12:44] I know the answer into a question of
what can you design that lets people use
[1:12:50] their gifts? That lets people
self-organize through a problem together
[1:12:54] in ways that generate new possibilities
and new solutions. We get a really vivid
[1:12:59] example of the power of that in a story
of building 20. Building 20 was built in
[1:13:04] the campus of MIT in 1942. It was
designed for the purpose of creating the
[1:13:09] radar technology that would go on to win
World War II. But after that World War
[1:13:14] II is over, it was left abandoned and
different groups sort of moved into it
[1:13:20] kind of haphazardly. The building was
kind of junky. It's plywood walls,
[1:13:24] exterior plumbing. Um there were no real
facilities. Uh it was freezing in the
[1:13:29] winter and boiling in the summer. No one
really wanted to go there except people
[1:13:33] who didn't quite fit in. But over time,
different groups came in there. And it
[1:13:40] turned out that this place turned out to
be what was called the magical incubator
[1:13:44] of MIT. Some of the first video games
were created there. The first completely
[1:13:49] soundproof chamber was created there.
Some really important black hole
[1:13:53] research was created there. Noam Chomsky
did some important linguistic research
[1:13:57] there. It became this incredibly fertile
place. And the question is why? Why that
[1:14:04] place as opposed to a nicer, neater
building and underneath the aegis of an
[1:14:08] of a of a clear departmental structure?
And the answer is it was a beautiful
[1:14:13] mess. The people there had to
self-organize. They had to self-organize
[1:14:18] for their lunches. They had to
self-organize for their they would have
[1:14:21] morning meetings and they'd bring people
together from different disciplines to
[1:14:25] share what they had learned. They had a
sense of joy and exploration. They wrote
[1:14:29] an opera together, the people of MIT.
There was a sense that they were sort of
[1:14:32] the black sheep. They taught each other
how to swim, the ones who didn't know
[1:14:36] how to swim. There was an engineering
student who once wandered down the hall
[1:14:39] to the acoustics lab and started
messing around and that became Bose's
[1:14:43] electronics. It became this incredibly
fertile place. Why? Because the same
[1:14:49] thing is happening as in the as in New
Zealand all blacks practice. The same
[1:14:53] thing is happening as in Linda Berry's
art class. Creating the conditions where
[1:14:57] people can self-orgganize. Not where
they're obeying something else. Not
[1:15:02] where they're being coerced, but where
they can notice things, where they can
[1:15:05] build relationships, and where they can
experiment and try stuff together. And
[1:15:10] that's how growth really happens. The
rule of surprise is really simple. It's
[1:15:13] if if you know it's going to happen,
you're doing it wrong. If you know
[1:15:18] what's going to happen, then you are
operating a machine. But if you're
[1:15:21] actually trying to flourish, if you're
actually trying to create something new,
[1:15:25] you shouldn't know what's going to
happen. A beautiful example of that,
[1:15:28] there was a neighborhood in in the
Netherlands um and it was a very sort of
[1:15:33] rundown old neighborhood and there were
two guys who used to sit on their stoops
[1:15:36] in front of the neighborhood. Their
names were Patrick and Linder. They were
[1:15:40] handymen who didn't really have a job.
But one day they got a little bit uh
[1:15:44] bored and for some reason they looked
at their street and it didn't have any
[1:15:48] flowers on it. So they decided to build
a flower box. They pried up the bricks
[1:15:52] of their street. They arranged it as a
flower box. They plunked in some flowers
[1:15:56] and then their neighbors noticed and
their neighbors said, "Could you build
[1:16:00] that for me?" And then they taught other
people how to build it. And pretty soon
[1:16:03] there's a hundred flower boxes on these
streets. And then somebody notices that
[1:16:08] and they say, "Oh, um, we're in a
knitting club. Why don't we knit a
[1:16:12] really long scarf to go around the
lamposts of all the neighborhood?" And
[1:16:16] then someone else noticed an empty lot.
Oh, why don't we build a playground on
[1:16:19] this empty lot? And then there was some
debate over refugees. Some communities
[1:16:24] in the Netherlands were rejecting them
and this neighborhood wanted to accept
[1:16:27] them. And so around the refugee house
that they donated for the cause, they
[1:16:32] wrapped a scarf and they said, "What
better signal to our new neighbors of
[1:16:37] welcoming than to warm than to give them
a hand knitted scarf that we all made."
[1:16:42] The neighborhood was revived and no one
could have identified a plan by which
[1:16:48] that happened. That happened because
one thing led to another. Each thing
[1:16:53] generated a new pattern that everyone
could notice and respond to. the
[1:16:57] flowers. Everyone sees that and then
that leads to the scarfves and that
[1:17:02] leads to the playground and that leads
and that's how growth actually happens.
[1:17:07] Mathematicians call them attractors.
They're when you change the energy of a
[1:17:11] system, it generates new patterns.
And so those new patterns are what
[1:17:16] flourishing groups are really skilled
at creating. And I think it spotlights
[1:17:20] something even deeper. We tend to think
of groups as these fixed things. We tend
[1:17:24] to think of groups and communities, but
in fact in practice they operate more
[1:17:29] like rivers. What's happening in these
cases of this neighborhood? What's
[1:17:34] happening in these cases of like
building 20 is that the energy and the
[1:17:38] relationships are being sort of funneled
and moved towards some horizon. And just
[1:17:44] like when you tilt a river, you get
new patterns swirling up. People aren't
[1:17:48] machines. As a group, we operate more
like rivers. And as parents and as
[1:17:54] business leaders and as teachers, one
of the most powerful things we can do is
[1:17:59] create that gradient, meaning spotlight
a north star someplace we're going to
[1:18:03] create a spe a clear space for
exploration sort of this this and not
[1:18:07] that we're not we're only going to
explore in here and then give people
[1:18:10] agency to do whatever they want. That's
what happens in in conditions like
[1:18:14] building 20. There was clear boundaries.
We're in this building. There was clear
[1:18:18] gradient. Invent something new. try
to create something that's never been
[1:18:21] created before. And then there was total
agency. When somebody wanted to create
[1:18:26] something new in their lab or enlarge
their lab, they got out their their saw
[1:18:29] and they cut a hole in the wall. When
they wanted to run wire, they ran it
[1:18:33] themselves. When they wanted to do
something, they didn't have to ask
[1:18:36] permission. And so this combination of
agency, guard rails, and horizon is a
[1:18:41] really powerful toolkit for tilting the
river of an organization. And that's
[1:18:46] where the rule of surprise comes in
because if you know what's going to
[1:18:49] happen, if you're predicting it and
controlling it, then people aren't
[1:18:52] really free. You don't really have that
kind of exploration that does lead to
[1:18:57] something new. The rule of surprise
changes the way you think about the
[1:19:01] future. We tend to think about the
future as if it is kind of this fixed
[1:19:05] destination that we're going toward. The
future is going to be the future. But
[1:19:08] over and over I keep encountering places
and if we reflect on our own life I
[1:19:13] think we still see this pattern that the
future we're creating is a result of a
[1:19:18] series of explorations that we're
making. We're creating our own future in
[1:19:22] a deep way in the same way those people
in building 20 in the same way that that
[1:19:27] rugby team in the same way that that
neighborhood in the Netherlands did.
[1:19:31] making these explorations, stopping,
noticing what happened and building on
[1:19:36] those things. That's how community gets
built. It's when people turn toward each
[1:19:40] other and they say, "How can we make
this better?" and they try something.
[1:19:45] That's the moment. That's the moment
that happened on that street in Paris,
[1:19:48] creating conditions where people can
turn toward each other and say, "How can
[1:19:52] we make this better?" When we think
about our our relationship to the
[1:19:57] future, I think we sometimes take a
fearful stance. We're sort of hoping
[1:20:01] things work out and it sort of feels
like a gamble. But I think the lesson
[1:20:06] that these flourishing communities teach
us is that the future isn't something
[1:20:10] that's fixed. It's something you're in
conversation with. You can't control it,
[1:20:14] but you can nudge it and you can
influence it and you can change it in
[1:20:18] profound ways by turning toward the
people next to you and asking, "What can
[1:20:22] we do to make this better?" After
studying all these groups, there's some
[1:20:26] really clear differences. is it becomes
very stark between groups that become
[1:20:30] more than the sum of their parts and are
able to create flourishing and groups
[1:20:34] that become less. I think of it in
mostly in three different categories.
[1:20:38] The first one is a sense of fun. The
groups that add up to more that really
[1:20:45] flourish are places where there is a
presence of joy and delight. Delight for
[1:20:51] no reason. Delight just in the mere
presence of each other. Delight in the
[1:20:55] in the failures. delight in the imperfections.
[1:20:59] The second thing they have is this sense
of forgiveness. There's this sense of
[1:21:04] imperfection is okay. You know,
there's a saying that my kids taught me
[1:21:08] recently. The saying is annoyance is
the price of community. And I love that
[1:21:14] because I saw that at these places. They
weren't doing things the most efficient
[1:21:17] way. You know, there's probably, you
know, more efficient ways to organize
[1:21:21] people than Patrick Bernard did at with
that long table. And there's definitely
[1:21:24] more efficient ways to organize
laboratories than MIT did. But it ain't
[1:21:28] about being organized. It ain't about
being efficient. These inefficiencies
[1:21:34] are just evidence that we're human
beings. And they're evidence, you know,
[1:21:37] everyone is a little bit annoying. And
that friction, our modern world treats
[1:21:41] it as something that is almost sort
of toxic and should be removed from
[1:21:45] everything, but actually welcoming that
friction and forgiving that friction.
[1:21:49] Being forgiving that annoyance and
knowing that we're also annoying. And
[1:21:53] the third thing that I saw was that
there's sort of a lack of fear. There's
[1:21:57] this security that they have within
their community. The security that these
[1:22:03] groups have that allows them to make
these daring explorations. There's a
[1:22:09] saying that all of life is a series of
daring explorations from a secure base.
[1:22:14] And that's what these places embody.
this idea that when you have that deep
[1:22:19] connection, that deep meaningful
connection with people that you can make
[1:22:24] these kind of fearless moves. You know,
in moments of adversity, we're often
[1:22:28] told, you know, oh, everything will be
okay. Everything will be okay. But in
[1:22:32] these flourishing groups, I heard a
different message. I heard a message
[1:22:36] that was more like nothing's going to be
perfect and you'll never be alone. That
[1:22:41] was the message that you would hear in
those groups. the that the security of
[1:22:44] that attachment, the me the deep
connected meaning of that attachment.
[1:22:48] It's not about saying everything's going
to be great. It's about saying nothing's
[1:22:51] going to be great actually and that's
okay cuz we're going to be together.
[1:22:54] That to me embodies the sort of the
mindset and kind of the heartset of of
[1:23:00] flourishing communities. I think if
there's one key takeaway from all of
[1:23:04] this, I can tell you one thing. It does
not show a straight line story. I keep
[1:23:07] telling the story of these sort of messy
spirals, spirals upward, these spirals
[1:23:13] that these communities, these
individuals are making, high performing
[1:23:17] cultures are making and and different
communities are making. If we're going
[1:23:21] to have tools to navigate that shape,
and I think if you take a pen out on a
[1:23:24] and a blank piece of paper and map the
story of your own life, you won't be
[1:23:27] drawing a straight line. You'll be
drawing a very squiggly sort of spiral
[1:23:32] hopefully upward, but there's going to
be all kinds of turns where you're going
[1:23:35] to be going the wrong direction and
you're going to realize it. You're going
[1:23:38] to fix it and then you'll be going the
wrong direction again. And then you
[1:23:40] realize it, you're going to fix it.
And it's a story of resilience and
[1:23:44] reinvention. And that's what natural
systems are really good at. You know, if
[1:23:48] you look out your window at a at a tree
or a vine or moss or a mushroom, living
[1:23:54] systems are really really good at
resilience and reinvention. I think it
[1:23:59] shows when by identifying that in our
own life and kind of letting go of the
[1:24:03] straight line story, the straight line
illusion that every day is going to be a
[1:24:07] clear A to B, that our life or our
career, our relationships are going to
[1:24:11] be A to B. It's seeing this twisted
curving spiral and thinking about what
[1:24:19] tools are going to help me navigate that
with other people. What relationships
[1:24:23] are going to help me navigate that with
other people? What thoughts are going to
[1:24:26] help me navigate with that other people?
What modes of attention are going to
[1:24:30] help me navigate that with other people?
It's a deeper, bigger, and I think a
[1:24:34] better story than kind of the story of
straight lines. It's messier. Uh it's
[1:24:40] more challenging in some ways. It's
slower. It's more frustrating and it's
[1:24:44] also more authentically human and I
think richer and more rewarding in the
[1:24:48] end.