Transcript
[0:00] My name is Tal Ben-Shahar and I'm a
student and teacher in the science of
[0:05] happiness. My latest book is Happy
Habits: A Happier, Healthier Life, One
[0:12] Minute at a Time. Today on Big Think,
I'm going to talk about how small
[0:17] changes when consistently applied can
make a big difference in your life.
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And now back to the interview.
[0:49] Chapter one, how to stop
procrastinating when you're overwhelmed.
[0:54] The knowing doing gap is the disconnect
that often exists between theory on the
[1:00] one hand and practice on the other. It's
a gap I've witnessed time and again in
[1:05] my own life and in the lives of others.
You see, most change efforts, whether
[1:11] personal or organizational, fall
short because we misunderstand what it
[1:16] actually takes to bring about lasting
change. When it comes to the question of
[1:21] how to create lasting change in our
lives, it turns out that many of us were
[1:26] led astray by some of the most
influential philosophers throughout
[1:30] history. Socrates, for instance,
who's considered the father of western
[1:35] philosophy, believed that to know the
good is to do the good. In other words,
[1:43] he assumed that once you know what the
right thing to do is, you will do it.
[1:48] This assumption is sadly wrong. Not a
little wrong, but very wrong. Knowing in
[1:56] and of itself does not guarantee doing.
While knowing is an important and
[2:03] necessary first step, it is far from
sufficient. Here are a few examples.
[2:09] Many people know the benefits of an
active lifestyle, yet fail to exercise.
[2:15] Most people in developed countries know
which foods are good for them and still
[2:20] consume junk in large quantities. We
take much of what life has to offer for
[2:25] granted, not because we don't know
that gratitude is better for us than
[2:29] ingratitude. Generally, we know how we
ought to treat our child, our partner,
[2:35] or our colleagues. We know what to do,
but all too often we fail to do it. The
[2:41] problem therefore is not lack of
knowledge or even understanding but
[2:46] rather that this knowledge or
understanding is not translated into
[2:52] acts and deeds. The knowing
doing gap is something I've
[2:57] experienced on a very personal level. So
after years of studying psychology and
[3:02] philosophy, it became clear to me that
my knowledge and understanding of the
[3:06] good life far surpassed the actual
quality of my inner life. If I were
[3:13] taking an exam on public speaking
anxiety, raising happy kids, or the
[3:18] importance of assertively expressing
one's needs and wants, I would ace that
[3:23] test. I had convincing, eloquent, and
in most cases, correct answers to just
[3:30] about any question related to
psychology. Moreover, I would usually be
[3:36] able to refer to research to support my
claims. And yet in my day-to-day life, I
[3:42] experienced an acute fear of public
speaking, made many unnecessary
[3:47] parenting mistakes, and very often
avoided raising matters that were
[3:53] important to me because I dreaded the
confrontation that might follow. While,
[3:58] as both the speaker and a parent, I'd
come a long way since beginning my
[4:02] journey in the field of positive
psychology, I knew I could do much
[4:06] better. It became clear to me that for
myself and for others, the path to a
[4:12] happier, healthier, and more fulfilled
life is not paved solely with additional
[4:18] knowledge. Rather, progress depends
on finding better ways to apply the
[4:24] knowledge we already have in our daily
lives. But how do we actually do that?
[4:31] How do we bridge the knowing doing gap?
These are the questions I addressed in
[4:36] my book, Happy Habits, and these are
the questions I hope to answer for you
[4:41] today. There are three common barriers
that tend to get in the way of lasting
[4:47] change. First, the change we take
on is often overly ambitious, too
[4:53] overwhelming, and therefore unlikely to
stick. Second, many change efforts rely
[5:01] on interventions that may sound
appealing but don't actually work. And
[5:07] third, there's the belief that simply
knowing what we want to change and why
[5:13] we want to change it is enough to bring
about real change. Think about the
[5:17] following questions. What action has
contributed most to your happiness?
[5:24] Which tool or technique has made the
biggest positive difference in your
[5:29] life? Which change have you introduced
that significantly impacted your
[5:35] well-being? I'm often asked these
questions as both a teacher and a
[5:39] student of happiness. My answer is that
it is the bite-sized happy habits that I
[5:46] apply day in and day out. the small
stuff, the brief interventions, the
[5:52] seemingly unremarkable changes that
gradually transform my life as a whole.
[5:59] I call these happy habits minimum viable
interventions or MVIS. A term that
[6:06] brings together Frank Robinson's idea of
the minimum viable product or MVP from
[6:12] the business world with the concept of
positive interventions which is central
[6:19] to the science of happiness. Robinson
introduced the term MVP, minimum viable
[6:24] product in 2001 to describe a product
that while far from finished is good
[6:32] enough to be put out there in the
market. It allows the company that
[6:37] created the product to gather data
and improve it over time while still
[6:43] delivering value to early adopters. In
a similar way, an MVI is not the perfect
[6:50] intervention, but it is good enough and most
[6:56] importantly, it provides real value
to those who practice it. Positive
[7:02] interventions, the second ingredient
of MVIS, refer to the wide range of
[7:08] practices, tools, and techniques
that contribute to a person's overall
[7:15] well-being. These include uh meditation,
physical exercise, journaling, writing
[7:23] gratitude letters, strength spotting,
active listening, time in nature, and
[7:30] many, many more. For something to
qualify as a positive intervention, it
[7:36] needs to be evidence-based, well
researched, and shown to measurably
[7:43] improve people's lives. The
philosophical roots of the MVI approach
[7:48] go back much further to the 14th century
and the work of William of Aam. His best
[7:57] known principle known as AAM's razor or
the principle of parsimony suggests that
[8:06] the simplest solution is often the best
solution. When we apply this idea to
[8:14] personal change, we arrive at a
clear definition of minimal viable
[8:21] interventions. MVIS are actions that
are as brief as possible and as long as
[8:28] necessary to bring about real
significant and lasting change. Major
[8:34] interventions like a meditation retreat,
a self-help intensive, a grueling boot
[8:41] camp, or even a honeymoon tend to have
only a temporary effect, giving us a
[8:48] short spike in happiness before we
return to baseline. In contrast,
[8:54] frequent and consistent micro doses of
movement, mindful breathing, journaling,
[9:02] acts of kindness, or expressions of
gratitude can lead to meaningful and
[9:09] lasting change. Personally, if I had to
choose between, say, a 10-day meditation
[9:15] retreat once a year and 3 minutes of
daily meditation, I would choose the
[9:21] latter. Even though the total time
spent on a retreat is much greater, the
[9:27] consistent daily practice has a deeper,
more lasting impact. Similarly, if you
[9:35] had to choose between running for an
hour on the weekend or moving vigorously
[9:40] for 20 to 30 seconds a few times a day,
you would likely benefit more from the
[9:46] short daily activity. Investing hours
and even days in trying to bring about
[9:52] change often ends up having a momentary
effect. In contrast, spread across time,
[10:01] moments add up to a momentous impact.
Now, just so that I'm not misunderstood,
[10:09] I have nothing against major
interventions. On the contrary, if we
[10:13] had unlimited time and patience, my
recommendation would be absolutely to
[10:18] engage in both the big and the small
stuff. The problem is that time is
[10:24] finite and most people don't have
the bandwidth for both. As a result,
[10:31] they end up doing nothing. Why? because
they believe that real change requires
[10:37] those big interventions and they
don't have time for them. What
[10:42] they often don't realize is just how
powerful micro interventions can be. I'm
[10:50] all for a 10day or even a 3month
meditation retreat as long as it is not
[10:56] a standalone intervention. When it
is life-changing, it's almost always
[11:02] because it's followed by consistent
ongoing daily practice. The same is true
[11:09] for a week-l long self-help intensive.
The real transformation comes from the
[11:15] rituals people carry into their everyday
lives. Subsequently, some happy habits
[11:21] don't require extra time or effort
because they can be tagged onto things
[11:26] we're already doing. For example,
mindfully listening to our colleagues
[11:32] takes no more time than mindlessly
sitting in a meeting. With a bit of
[11:36] practice, offering genuine compliments
can become just as effortless as
[11:42] criticizing. And taking the stairs can
take as much time or sometimes even less
[11:48] than waiting for the elevator unless
you work in a skyscraper. Our ancestors
[11:53] didn't carve out time for formal gym
sessions. Movement was simply woven into
[11:59] the fabric of daily life in brief
natural inserts throughout the day. With
[12:06] little investment, these activities
can make a big difference.
[12:12] There is a great deal of research behind
each of the MVIS I suggest. Here are a
[12:18] few examples. Japanese professor RKU
Yoshida had participants exercise their
[12:24] biceps by doing just one set a day of
six hand curls. They repeated the single
[12:31] set 5 days a week over four weeks. The
results showed an actual increase in
[12:39] muscle strength. By contrast, another
group that did five sets of six curls on
[12:45] just one day a week rather than
spreading the effort out experienced no
[12:51] increase in strength over the same
period. Along similar lines, Dan
[12:56] Buettner, a researcher with National
Geographic, who studied the blue zones,
[13:02] these are regions where people live the
longest, recommends that for a longer
[13:07] life, we should regularly inconvenience
ourselves. I love that term,
[13:14] inconvenience ourselves by choosing
the stairs over the elevator, carrying
[13:19] groceries instead of having them
delivered, or getting up to change the
[13:24] channel rather than using a remote.
We engage in micro movements that help
[13:30] counter the harms of a sedentary
lifestyle. These slight inconveniences
[13:36] contribute to a healthier, longer,
and better life. From an evolutionary
[13:43] perspective, this makes a great deal of
sense. Our bodies and minds are better
[13:48] suited to short, frequent interventions
than to long infrequent ones. Studies
[13:56] from Stanford, the Mayo Clinic, the
University of Pisa, and other research
[14:01] institutions show that even 1 minute of
deep, slow nasal breathing, especially
[14:09] when the exhale is longer than
the inhale. These can activate the
[14:14] parasympathetic nervous system rather
than the sympathetic nervous system. In
[14:21] other words, it can shift us from fight
or flight to rest and digest. Over time,
[14:30] this brief practice can help both
children and adults bring more calm into
[14:38] their lives as a whole. Research by
Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer, my
[14:43] teacher, illustrates how a small change
in mindset can have a significant impact
[14:50] on performance. She asked students
to evaluate intelligence of great
[14:56] scientists. At first, she shared only
the scientists achievements. Based on
[15:02] that, students saw these figures as
far superior and their achievements as
[15:08] unreachable. Later she gave students an
account of the steps that led to those
[15:15] achievements. When the process was made
visible, the students could suddenly
[15:20] imagine themselves following a similar
path. As Ellen Langer put it, people
[15:26] can imagine themselves taking steps
while great heights seem entirely
[15:32] forbidden. We can easily imagine
ourselves taking a minute to climb
[15:37] stairs, breathe deeply, or send a
thoughtful message. And when we can
[15:43] imagine ourselves doing something, we're
much more likely to actually do it and
[15:48] to keep doing it. I've personally
experienced the most significant
[15:52] increases in my happiness, not because
of large dramatic changes, but rather
[15:57] through the seemingly small
interventions I've introduced into my
[16:01] daily life. I'd like to share with you
some of the things that I do. I get up
[16:06] and move for a minute every half hour or
so when I'm writing. I take three deep
[16:12] breaths throughout the day. I count
my blessings before going to bed and I
[16:18] regularly read brief inspiring texts,
whether a poem or an excerpt from a
[16:25] book. The real change comes along when
these interventions become habits. when
[16:32] they become second nature. The most
unusual and in many ways the most
[16:37] eyeopening class that I took as an
undergraduate was with psychology
[16:42] professor Richard Hackman. For years,
Hackman taught the same course on the
[16:47] psychology of teams which I along with
many other fortunate students had the
[16:52] opportunity to take. In the
spring semester of um 1996,
[16:58] he did something different. He shared
with his diehard students and there were
[17:04] many of us that he had become intrigued
by the concept of spirals. One small
[17:09] event triggers another which then
triggers another and so on creating an
[17:16] upward spiral that gradually expands its
impact. Each week we examined spirals in
[17:24] a different context. From
neural pathways to rainforests,
[17:30] from interpersonal relationships to
organizational processes. Wherever we
[17:37] looked, we began to see spirals rather
than straight lines, complex and
[17:43] interconnected systems rather than
simple linear cause and effect
[17:48] relationships. Today I can trace my
work on MVIS back to that class. Once we
[17:56] recognize that our world is primarily
made up of spirals, we begin to
[18:01] understand why MVIS play such
an important role in our overall
[18:07] well-being. Here's an example of how a
seemingly insignificant event can set
[18:14] off an upward spiral with meaningful
consequences. So imagine you walk into
[18:20] the office in the morning and the first
colleague you see says, "Wow, you look
[18:27] wonderful." Naturally, a subtle smile
appears on your face. Then the next
[18:33] colleague you run into observes the
smile and also comments on how great or
[18:39] perhaps happy you look. You start
to feel good. You engage in pleasant
[18:44] conversations and that positive energy
carries into your work. You're more
[18:50] focused, more productive. You get home
in a good mood and enjoy a fun evening
[18:56] with family or friends. It has been a
great day. Now, imagine the opposite.
[19:03] You arrive at the office and the first
thing someone says to you is, "Wow, you
[19:09] don't look well. Is Is everything okay?"
Well, maybe everything was fine until
[19:14] that moment, but it's no longer. Your
posture changes. Your energy drops. The
[19:21] next person picks up on that and
responds in kind. You feel worse,
[19:26] withdraw a bit, struggle to focus, and
carry that low energy home. By the end
[19:34] of the day, all you want is for it to
be over. We often refer to a positive
[19:40] upward spiral as a virtuous cycle and
a negative one as a vicious cycle. The
[19:47] examples I gave of a day at work
illustrate just how much small events
[19:53] can and do matter. But what's important
to remember is that unlike these
[19:59] scenarios, an upward spiral or a
downward one doesn't have to begin with
[20:06] something external. We don't have to
wait for someone else to determine our
[20:10] mood. We can initiate the spiral
ourselves. As Christina Baldwin wrote,
[20:18] "When you're stuck in a spiral to change
all aspects of the spin, you only need
[20:24] to change one thing. That one thing can
be a happy habit and it can meaningfully
[20:32] shift the trajectory of your day.
Take something as simple as expressing
[20:38] gratitude. Research by Robert Emmons and
Michael McCullough shows that spending a
[20:44] minute or two each night reflecting on
what we're grateful for improves our
[20:50] overall happiness, how successful we
are, and even our physical health. How
[20:56] does such a small intervention make such
a big difference? Because focusing on
[21:01] what's going well puts us in a better
mood. And that mood makes it more likely
[21:07] that we'll take positive actions which
then further elevate our mood and so on
[21:13] in a self-reinforcing upward
spiral. Just as a single stone
[21:19] creates ripples across a pond or a
single candle can light up an entire
[21:26] dark room, a single moment can
positively shape an entire day. And
[21:33] because emotions are contagious, these
effects don't stop with us. Our mood
[21:39] influences the people around us. When
we're in a good mood, that energy tends
[21:46] to spread, creating additional ripples
of positivity. Oprah Winfrey captures
[21:53] this beautifully when she says, "I
started out giving thanks for small
[21:58] things, and the more thankful I became,
the more my bounty increased." Here's
[22:05] another example of how an MVI can create
a ripple effect. Imagine you're having a
[22:11] difficult day at work, feeling low
and unmotivated. You introduce a brief
[22:17] intervention, say 30 to 60 seconds of
jumping up and down. That small burst of
[22:24] movement gives you a bit more energy.
You get a little more done, feel
[22:30] slightly better, and that leads to more
positive experiences. By the time you
[22:36] get home, you're more likely to go out
with friends than collapse in front of
[22:40] the TV, which is what you might have
done if your mood had remained low.
[22:45] There is something both reassuring and
empowering in realizing that we have
[22:51] some control over our well-being and
that even brief accessible actions can
[22:58] shift the direction of a moment or an
entire day. The fact that this control
[23:03] is at least in part internal is itself
a source of positivity. Simply knowing
[23:10] that you can actively influence your
state and change the trajectory of your
[23:14] day, whether through movement, a cold
shower, a few minutes of journaling, or
[23:21] an act of kindness, is comforting
in a way that goes beyond any single
[23:28] intervention. Moreover, knowing that
small changes make a big difference in
[23:35] our lives can inspire us to help others
do the same. Whether you are a manager,
[23:43] a parent, a colleague, a community
member, you can influence your
[23:49] environment. How? By introducing
these happy habits in your life and by
[23:56] encouraging others to introduce habits
that make a difference in their lives.
[24:04] Happy habits can also create upward
spirals in others. For example, holding
[24:10] the door, an act of kindness can elicit
a smile which to that person will create
[24:18] an upward spiral ripple throughout their
day. We can see how small changes can
[24:25] lead to significant transformation
in the research on procrastination.
[24:30] Most people see themselves to
some extent as procrastinators,
[24:35] putting things off, dragging their feet.
The cost of procrastination is high. Not
[24:42] only do we fail to get important things
done, we often compromise on the quality
[24:47] of what we eventually complete.
On top of that, studies show that
[24:52] procrastinators experience higher levels
of stress, have weaker immune systems,
[24:59] enjoy poorer sleep, and given all of
this, report lower levels of happiness.
[25:07] As screen addiction becomes more
pervasive, procrastination is only
[25:12] becoming more of a problem. When
psychologists studied this phenomenon,
[25:17] they identified a key difference in
mindset between those who procrastinate
[25:23] and those who tend to get things done.
In simple terms, procrastinators believe
[25:29] that motivation must come
before action. They feel they
[25:35] need to be inspired to want to
act before they begin. Those who
[25:42] procrastinate less tend to see it the
other way round. They understand that
[25:48] action comes first and motivation
follows. In other words, you begin and
[25:55] the inspiration often catches up. As Amy
Cuddy puts it, fake it until you become
[26:02] it. As an antidote to procrastination,
researchers often recommend the 5 minute
[26:09] takeoff strategy. The idea is simple.
Start doing the thing you've been
[26:14] putting off, even if only for a few
minutes. Taking that small step, whether
[26:19] it's beginning a school project,
starting a gym workout, or making a
[26:25] first phone call. This creates a
momentum. 5 minutes often lead to
[26:30] another five and then another setting
off an upward spiral of action. I use
[26:36] this technique often myself on days when
I don't feel like writing. I rely on the
[26:42] 5-minute takeoff. More often than not,
once I begin, I find my rhythm and can
[26:47] continue for much longer. And if I
don't, I simply do another 5-minute
[26:52] takeoff and then another as needed. Each
one is an MVI. Mel Robbins takes this
[27:00] idea a step further with what she calls
the five second rule. When there is
[27:07] something you want to do, whether it's
getting out of bed, starting a workout,
[27:12] or making a call, you countdown from 5
to 1, and then you act. I use this in my
[27:19] own life, especially on cold mornings
or when I'm tempted to delay getting
[27:24] started for whatever reason. As Robins
explains, the moment you feel yourself
[27:30] hesitate before doing something that you
know you should do, count 5 4 3 2 1 go
[27:36] and move towards action. If you don't
move in 5 seconds, your mental habits
[27:42] take over and kill your instinct to
change, innovate, or step outside your
[27:48] comfort zone. What the 5 seconds rule
does very quickly is initiate an upward
[27:56] spiral. Keep in mind that there is no
need to stress about adopting all or
[28:02] even most of the MVIS. You certainly
don't need to implement all the MVIS you
[28:07] know of. Not now and not even in the
long term. Instead, start small. Pick
[28:14] two today. Try them out for a week or a
month and then decide whether you want
[28:20] to continue with those or experiment
with two others. As Jim Lore and Tony
[28:25] Schwarz put it, incremental change
is better than ambitious failure.
[28:32] Success feeds on itself. When
it comes to implementation,
[28:37] less maybe more. Once you understand
the idea, the principle behind minimum
[28:44] viable interventions, you can
incorporate it throughout your life and
[28:49] help others do the same. Try things
out. Experiment. Gandhi wrote his
[28:55] autobiography naming it my experiments
with truth. I encourage you to do the
[29:02] same. Experiment with different truths,
with different things that work for you.
[29:08] Try them out for size, bite-size, and
see what works. Over time, you will
[29:15] get closer and closer to the best
version of yourself, one small happy
[29:21] habit at a time. Chapter 2.
The essential elements of
[29:30] happiness.
>> According to Aristotle, happiness
[29:34] is the most desirable of all things, something
final and self-sufficient, and is the end
[29:41] of action. Echoing the sentiment
more than 2,000 years later. Helen
[29:46] Keller wrote that most of us regard
happiness as the proper end of all
[29:52] earthly enterprise. This idea is by no
means limited to the West. If happiness
[29:58] is the ultimate end, then all other
goals are in a sense subordinate to it in
[30:06] our context. This means that MVIS are
also a means towards that end. That
[30:13] their purpose is to increase our levels
of happiness. This is precisely why I refer
[30:20] to MVIS as happy habits. And if we
want to understand how MVIS can
[30:27] play their role most effectively, we first
need to better understand the nature of happiness.
[30:34] Integrating the wisdom of
philosophers like Aristotle,
[30:39] Lao-Tzu, Helen Keller, and Martha
Nussbaum with the research of modern
[30:44] psychologists like Martin
Seligman and Sonya Lubomirski.
[30:48] My colleagues and I developed a model
of happiness that includes five core
[30:54] elements. Spiritual well-being, physical
well-being, intellectual well-being,
[31:01] relational well-being, and emotional
well-being. Together, these form the
[31:07] acronym spire. They offer a clear and
accessible road map for understanding,
[31:15] pursuing and attaining happiness. What's
important to remember is that all five
[31:22] elements of spire are interconnected.
They function as a system. This leads to
[31:29] two insights that may seem contradictory
but actually complement one another.
[31:35] First, we need to attend to all five
elements. if we want to experience true
[31:41] happiness. Second, working on any one element can
[31:47] improve our overall well-being. The
first point means that neglecting even
[31:53] one element can undermine our happiness
no matter how much we invest in the
[31:59] others. For example, if we ignore our
physical health, it will eventually take
[32:05] a toll regardless of how strong our
relationships are or how intellectually
[32:10] engaged we may be. And the reverse
is also true. Frequent exercise and
[32:16] meditation cannot compensate for
neglected relationships. The second
[32:22] point reminds us that small consistent
changes can have a powerful impact. In
[32:29] the spirit of good enough, which is
central to the MVI approach, there's no
[32:36] need to do everything. It's perfectly
fine to choose a few practices that fit
[32:41] your needs and preferences. Even
focusing on one or two simple habits and
[32:48] sticking with them can lead to
meaningful results over time. So, how do
[32:54] you decide where to begin? by looking
at your life through the spire lens and
[33:00] identifying what is essential for your
well-being versus what is simply nice to
[33:06] have. For instance, if your work already
involves a lot of movement, you may not
[33:12] need additional physical MVIS. If you're
deeply engaged in academic learning, you
[33:19] may not need to add intellectual
practices. And if you're already
[33:23] practicing yoga regularly, extra
meditation or stretching might add only
[33:29] marginal value. On the other hand, if
you spend most of your day sitting,
[33:34] introducing small movement-based habits
can make a real difference. If your
[33:40] routine lacks intellectual stimulation,
brief moments of learning can be highly
[33:46] valuable. And if your days are filled
with distraction and multitasking,
[33:52] creating small pockets of mindfulness
can significantly improve both your
[33:59] mental and physical health.
Spiritual well-being is about purpose
[34:06] and presence, about finding meaning and
being mindful. We may find this through
[34:14] religion, but also through our work or
our home life. Viktor Frankl, author of
[34:21] man's search for meaning, distinguishes
between the meaning of life and the
[34:28] meaning in life. The meaning of life includes big
questions like why am I here and uh what is
[34:38] the purpose of life? Many people look
for answers in religion or in a broader
[34:44] mission such as uh overcoming poverty or
addressing global challenges. While it
[34:51] can be difficult to find the meaning of
life, it is often easier to find meaning
[34:58] in life in the ordinary things that we
do each day. Take a minute or two to
[35:03] respond in writing to this question.
What do I find meaningful in what I'm
[35:10] already doing? Reflect on what matters
to you in your daily activities and on
[35:17] how you may be making a difference in
your own life or in the lives of others.
[35:22] The answer doesn't need to be grand.
Whether you begin your day with this
[35:27] question or return to it during a short
break, identifying even a modest sense
[35:34] of purpose can energize, motivate, and
inspire. Another MVI under spiritual well-being
[35:43] revolves around mindfulness meditation.
At its core, mindfulness is about
[35:50] present moment awareness, about being in
the here and now. It's a broad concept
[35:56] that includes many different practices.
The most familiar form involves sitting
[36:01] or lying down and focusing
on the breath as it moves in
[36:08] and out. But that's only one option.
Walking while paying attention to each
[36:13] step, lying down and scanning your body,
praying with intention, or listening to
[36:21] music with full attention are all
forms of meditation. There are numerous
[36:26] benefits to establishing a meditation
practice. Research by Jon Kabat-Zinn,
[36:32] Richard Davidson, Sarah Lazar, and
others shows improvements in cognitive
[36:39] function, including attention, memory,
and creativity, as well as benefits to
[36:45] physical health, such as strengthening
the immune system and reducing
[36:50] inflammation, and to mental health,
including lowering anxiety, anger, and
[36:57] depression. While many of these benefits
are associated with longer sessions,
[37:03] shorter practices can also be highly
effective. Daniel Seagull, for example,
[37:10] recommends as little as 3 minutes a
day, noting that the brain responds to
[37:16] repetition with more gusto than it does
to duration. Even one minute of focusing
[37:24] on the breath, noticing the air
moving through your nostrils
[37:28] or your belly rising and falling can
have a meaningful impact. Another simple
[37:35] practice is to scan a tense area of your
body such as uh maybe the forehead or
[37:42] shoulders, uh your chest or your belly
and then consciously relaxing it.
[37:49] Breathing out any accumulated tension.
A minute of this kind of mindful
[37:54] relaxation can significantly increase
your sense of calm. You can stick with
[38:01] one method or experiment with several.
You might begin your day with a short
[38:06] meditation and then add brief moments
during lunch, before bed, or whenever
[38:12] you need a pause. It is important to
note that meditation can be practiced
[38:17] formally or informally. Formal practice
means setting aside dedicated time for
[38:25] present moment awareness. Informal
practice means bringing that same
[38:30] awareness into everyday activities.
Whether you're writing, uh, playing with
[38:36] a pet, working on a spreadsheet, or
listening to a friend, we can be mindful
[38:42] anywhere at any time. As Alicia
Goldstein writes in the now effect,
[38:49] mindfulness is basically just being
aware and can be practiced both
[38:54] informally and formally. When you're
practicing it informally, you're simply
[39:01] attempting to be more aware in
everything that you do. When we're
[39:06] present, whatever we're doing,
we elevate the ordinary to the
[39:12] extraordinary. As Thích Nhất Hạnh
reminds us, at any moment you have a
[39:19] choice that either leads you closer to
your spirit or further away from it.
[39:26] Throughout the day, gently return your
focus to the present moment. Create
[39:33] reminders to help you come back to the
here and now. These reminders can take
[39:38] many forms. You might set your phone to
ping you periodically or place the word now
[39:46] on your screen or hang an image that
reminds you to pause. Over time,
[39:52] with these reminders, returning to the
present will become second nature to you.
[40:00] Physical well-being focuses on the
mind body connection. Both movement and
[40:06] recovery are essential for a healthy
body and mind. What we eat, how much we
[40:12] eat, and how we eat all matter deeply,
not just for physical health, but for
[40:17] mental health as well. Movement is
essential to our well-being. In a study
[40:22] conducted at the University of
Cambridge, participants were pinged on
[40:28] their smartphones and asked how active
they had been over the previous 15
[40:34] minutes. Researchers found that those
who had moved during that time were
[40:40] happier than those who had been sitting
or lying down. More broadly, movement
[40:46] was associated with greater overall life
satisfaction. It's also well established
[40:53] that beyond its physical benefits,
aerobic exercise contributes
[40:59] significantly to mental health, helping
us cope with anxiety and depression.
[41:04] More recent research highlights
the value of high-intensity
[41:10] interval training, HIT, and high-intensity
[41:15] circuit training, HIC. These approaches
involve short bursts of intense
[41:22] movements followed by recovery repeated
in cycles. They are highly efficient,
[41:28] delivering meaningful health benefits
in a relatively short time. Importantly,
[41:34] studies show that these bursts don't
need to be done consecutively. They can
[41:40] be spread throughout the day with the
benefits remaining strong even when
[41:46] there are long breaks between sets. For
example, in a study using the Wingate
[41:52] Anaerobic test, participants performed
three high-intensity bursts per day with
[42:01] 4 hours between each session. After 8
weeks of doing this every other day,
[42:08] their peak oxygen uptake, a key measure
of aerobic capacity, increased by 14%.
[42:17] Given this and similar findings, the
common excuse that we don't have enough
[42:22] time to exercise no longer holds. Often
all we need is a minute here and there
[42:29] to meet recommended activity levels.
If you're over 40 or have any medical
[42:35] condition, it's important to consult
your doctor before starting a HIT
[42:41] routine. And if HIT isn't appropriate,
you can turn to lit low intensity
[42:50] interval training, such as walking,
climbing stairs, or moving your arms
[42:57] through the day. Movement affects more
than happiness. Increasingly, physicians
[43:04] warned that sitting is the new smoking.
Spending long hours without movement
[43:11] significantly raises the risk of chronic
disease. Taking all of this together, it
[43:17] can be extremely valuable to sprinkle
brief 20 to 40 second bursts of movement
[43:24] throughout your day. You might sprint
in place, do jumping jacks, skip rope,
[43:31] perform push-ups, pull-ups, or planks,
or try lunges, burpees, or any activity
[43:38] that elevates your heart rate. Adjust
the pace and intensity based on your
[43:44] fitness level and age. This isn't a
race, and there is nothing to prove. You
[43:51] don't need to push to extremes to gain
meaningful benefits. Another MVI perhaps
[43:58] less pleasant but highly effective is
taking a cold shower. Research by Gear
[44:05] Buyer from the Academic Medical Center
in Amsterdam points to the impact of
[44:11] cold exposure on the immune system,
helping reduce illness and speed
[44:17] recovery. Cold showers also increase
metabolism, boost energy, and improve
[44:25] alertness. After exercise, they can
reduce pain and support muscle recovery.
[44:32] There is even evidence suggesting
benefits for symptoms of depression and
[44:38] anxiety. One simple practice is to end a
warm shower with at least 30 seconds of
[44:45] cold water. You can gradually extend
this to a minute or two, but even 30
[44:50] seconds is beneficial. One of the most
powerful happy habits is quite literally
[44:58] right under your nose and yet
often overlooked, your breath.
[45:05] By learning to regulate your breathing,
you can influence your nervous system,
[45:11] either energizing or calming yourself.
In general, slow breathing relaxes while
[45:19] rapid breathing stimulates. The ratio
between inhale and exhale also matters.
[45:26] A longer inhale activates the
sympathetic system increasing arousal
[45:34] while a longer exhale activates the
parasympathetic system promoting
[45:41] relaxation. Simply breathing slowly,
gently, quietly, and mindfully can make
[45:50] a big difference. Even a minute of
steady breathing through your nose,
[45:56] allowing the belly to rise and
fall, that can shift you from the
[46:03] fight or flight response to what
Herbert Benson calls the relaxation
[46:10] response. Another effective technique is coherent
breathing. Inhaling through the
[46:17] nose for five to six seconds
and exhaling for the same amount of
[46:24] time. Even a minute of this, 5 to 6
seconds in, 5 to 6 seconds out,
[46:31] can help reduce anxiety and fatigue, promoting
both calm and alertness. While 5 to 20 minutes
[46:40] a day of breath work is ideal,
even a minute or two can make
[46:45] a difference. Set reminders on your phone
or calendar to pause for a minute of breath
[46:51] work, three or four times a day.
Experiment with these and other
[46:56] techniques to find what works best for
you. Intellectual well-being is often
[47:04] overlooked. Yet, it plays a critical
role in our happiness. It begins with
[47:10] curiosity, with asking questions,
exploring, and learning new things.
[47:15] Curiosity is not only linked to how well
we live, but also to how long we live.
[47:23] It's also about learning, whether
through books, art, or nature. Words
[47:29] create worlds. Concepts
conceive. The words we think
[47:36] about and use shape our lives and the
lives of those around us. Researchers
[47:42] Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman write in
their book, Words Can Change Your Brain,
[47:47] that a single word has the power to
influence the expression of genes that
[47:53] regulate physical and emotional stress.
They point to studies to research
[48:00] showing that the longer you concentrate
on positive words, the more you begin to
[48:05] affect other areas of the brain,
functions in the parietal lobe start to
[48:12] change, which changes your perception
of yourself and the people you interact
[48:17] with. One simple practice is to come up
with a mantra, a single word that moves
[48:23] you and repeat it once or several times
for a minute or two in the morning or
[48:29] throughout the day. Choose a word that
inspires you that brings up positive
[48:34] thoughts and feelings such
as God or grandmother, love
[48:42] or kindness, presence or acceptance.
Going beyond a single word, you can
[48:50] identify a quote that inspires you, a
poem that moves you, or a paragraph that
[48:57] elevates you. Read it slowly and deliberately,
[49:03] reflecting on what it means to you
and how it connects to your life. Then
[49:08] revisit it the next day and each day
after for a week or longer. This can
[49:14] even become a shared practice with
someone close to you. If the words
[49:19] continue to resonate, print them out,
hang them on your wall, or use them as a
[49:23] screens saver. Once again, words create
worlds. Journaling is another practice
[49:31] that truly deserves a place in the MVI
Hall of Fame. Karen Horney, a student
[49:37] and critic of Sigmund Freud, made a
strong case for journaling in her 1942
[49:44] book, Self-analysis. While
self-analysis is not a substitute
[49:49] for therapy, it is an effective
and accessible tool for reducing
[49:54] psychological distress and
supporting personal growth. In 1997,
[50:01] University of Texas psychologist
Pennebaker published Opening Up,
[50:07] presenting compelling research on
journaling. He found that writing for 20
[50:13] minutes about the most upsetting or
traumatic experience of your entire life
[50:19] over four consecutive days
significantly reduced long-term anxiety.
[50:26] strengthened the immune system, improved
mood, and led to more open and social
[50:33] behavior. More recently, psychologists
Chad Burton and Laura King extended this
[50:40] work by exploring the minimum effective
dose of journaling. In their study,
[50:47] participants wrote for just two minutes
on two consecutive days. So, a total of
[50:55] four minutes. One group wrote about
traumatic experiences, another about
[51:01] positive experiences and a third about
a neutral topic. One month later,
[51:08] participants in the first two groups
still showed better health than those in
[51:15] the control group. While writing for 15
or 20 minutes can be powerful, even 2
[51:22] minutes can go a long way. Relational
well-being is about our deep-seated need
[51:28] for social interaction. The number one
predictor of happiness is the quality
[51:33] time we spend with people we care about
and who care about us. We all need
[51:39] connection and a sense of belonging. One
of the most powerful ways to cultivate
[51:43] that is through kindness and generosity.
When we give to others, we enhance their
[51:50] well-being and our own. In a fascinating
series of studies, John Gottman found
[51:57] that the healthiest relationships maintain a 5:1
[52:03] positivity ratio. In other words, for
every one conflict, disagreement or
[52:09] moment of frustration, there
are five positive interactions.
[52:15] Compliments, loving messages, a smile, a
hug, or a meaningful conversation. What
[52:22] makes this ratio so useful? Well, first
it tells us that conflict is not only
[52:28] inevitable but necessary. Avoiding
or suppressing real issues can harm a
[52:35] relationship over time. Second, it shows
us that for relationships to thrive,
[52:41] positive interactions must significantly
outnumber negative ones. Based on his
[52:48] findings, Gottman suggests focusing
more on increasing the positive than on
[52:54] eliminating the negative. One way to
do it is through relationship boosters.
[53:01] Small everyday actions that increase
positivity in our interactions. An act
[53:08] of kindness, a hug, or a thoughtful
message letting someone know you
[53:13] appreciate them can go a long way.
A particularly important category of
[53:18] boosters is genuine, heartfelt
compliments. Actively look for positive
[53:25] things to say to the people in your
life. Don't wait for special occasions.
[53:31] As Mark Twain quipped, I can live on a
good compliment two weeks with nothing
[53:37] else to eat. So, make a list of
relationship boosters you'd like to
[53:43] introduce, both at home and at work, and
begin to sprinkle them into your daily
[53:49] interactions. There are countless ways
to raise the positivity ratio. Choose
[53:56] the ones that resonate most with you.
A hug is one of the most powerful
[54:02] relational MVIS. Too many people in too
many places have lost touch with touch.
[54:09] This was true even before CO and in many
ways it has only intensified as virtual
[54:16] interactions increasingly replace
physical ones. One simple antidote is
[54:23] hugging. Virginia Satir famously wrote,
"We need four hugs a day for survival.
[54:31] We need eight hugs a day for
maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for
[54:38] growth." Her words are not just poetic.
There is growing scientific evidence
[54:43] supporting the importance of touch.
Psychologist Jane Clipman asked college
[54:50] students to add five extra hugs to
their day. These hugs were defined as
[54:56] nonsexual face-to-face hugs using both
arms. While women found this easier at
[55:04] first, men also found creative ways to
participate, whether through sports,
[55:10] family interactions, or other contexts.
After 1 month, participants who
[55:16] increased their hugging were
significantly happier than those who did
[55:21] not. Other research by Anna Duran and
her colleagues at the University of
[55:26] London shows that duration matters as
well. A five or 10 second hug offers
[55:34] more benefits than a brief 1 second
embrace. When we hug, we release
[55:40] oxytocin, the love hormone, which
improves our mood and reduces stress.
[55:48] What's most important is that both
people feel comfortable and respected.
[55:52] When touch is consensual and boundaries
are honored, both individuals benefit.
[55:59] So, look for ways to gently and
respectfully incorporate more touch into
[56:05] your day when appropriate. Allow the hug
to last a little longer. Relax into it.
[56:13] Notice the sensations and appreciate
both yourself and the other person.
[56:20] Another MVI has to do with being kind.
To give is to receive. One of the most
[56:30] effective ways to increase our own
happiness is by contributing to the
[56:34] happiness of others. Why is that? First,
because it is part of our nature to feel
[56:41] good when we do good. Second, giving
tends to strengthen our relationships.
[56:48] And as our relationships improve, so
does our happiness. In her research,
[56:53] Sonya Lubomirski asked participants to
perform a few extra acts of kindness
[57:00] each week, being slightly more generous
than usual. These acts ranged from
[57:06] helping a colleague at work to spending
a bit more time listening to a friend,
[57:12] volunteering, or simply being kind to a
stranger. This small intervention led to
[57:18] a meaningful increase in well-being.
And the beauty of kindness is that it is
[57:24] always available to us. As Anne
Frank wrote back in the 1940s,
[57:30] you can always always give something
even if it is only kindness.
[57:36] Kindness benefits the receiver, the
giver and the world. It is in fact easy
[57:44] to be kind. Generosity is part of our
nature. All we need is a reminder. So
[57:52] commit to five or more extra acts of
kindness each week. You can do them all
[57:58] in one day or spread them out. They can
be planned or spontaneous. And just as
[58:04] importantly, remember to treat yourself
with the same kindness you extend to
[58:11] others. Emotional well-being. The final element
[58:16] of spire involves embracing painful
emotions and cultivating pleasurable
[58:22] ones. Giving ourselves the permission
to be human, allowing ourselves to feel
[58:27] anxiety, sadness, envy or anger is
essential. The first step towards
[58:34] happiness is allowing in unhappiness.
The belief that we or anyone else can
[58:42] live without painful emotions is
misguided as well as harmful. In fact,
[58:48] it may be the greatest barrier to
happiness. The paradox is that when we
[58:54] reject painful emotions, they intensify.
They grow stronger. When we accept them,
[59:01] they begin to dissipate. It is only when
we accept that fear, anger, sadness, and
[59:08] envy are natural parts of being
alive that we can fully realize our
[59:15] psychological and physical potential.
Life becomes lighter and more peaceful
[59:21] when instead of fighting our nature,
we embrace it. Pain, pleasure, and
[59:28] everything in between. The key to
acceptance is to bear witness to our
[59:35] emotions without judgment, without
trying to fix them or push them
[59:41] away. As Mark Williams from Oxford
suggests, it's about observing our
[59:47] thoughts and physical sensations
with friendly curiosity.
[59:53] As we do this, the emotion may simply
pass through us and fade or it may
[59:59] linger a bit longer, in which case we
continue to hold it with openness and
[1:00:05] compassion. The key to
acceptance is loving awareness.
[1:00:12] You can practice this kind of acceptance
at set times, perhaps for a minute or
[1:00:17] two in the morning or before going to
sleep. Or you can practice it in real
[1:00:23] time whenever the need arises. For
example, if you feel anxious before a
[1:00:29] presentation or envious before seeing
a friend, pause for a moment and simply
[1:00:35] observe what is happening inside
you, your thoughts, your sensations,
[1:00:42] and do so with loving awareness and
without judgment. Expressing gratitude
[1:00:49] is another powerful emotional MVI. In
a study by Robert Emmens and Michael
[1:00:55] McCullith, participants were asked to
write down five things, big or small,
[1:01:01] for which they were grateful. Over time,
those who continued the practice became
[1:01:07] more joyful, more energetic, and more
helpful to others. They also slept
[1:01:13] better and experienced fewer physical
symptoms of illness. The word
[1:01:18] appreciate, which is my favorite word,
has two meanings. To be grateful for
[1:01:25] something and to increase in value.
These two meanings of the word are
[1:01:32] deeply connected. For when we appreciate
the good, the good appreciates.
[1:01:39] Make gratitude a ritual. You can write
your entries at night before bed or in
[1:01:45] the morning when you wake up. You can
also do this at the end of the workday,
[1:01:50] focusing on what went well at work.
This simple practice can have a powerful
[1:01:56] impact on both performance and job satisfaction.
[1:02:01] Whether you do it daily or even once
a week, the key is to be both mindful
[1:02:08] and heartful. It's not enough to go
through the motion. You need to connect
[1:02:13] with what you're writing. If you write
about a good friend, bring that person
[1:02:18] vividly to mind. Feel their presence.
Maybe recall a specific moment you
[1:02:24] shared. When gratitude becomes a habit,
you no longer need a special event to
[1:02:31] feel happy. You begin to see that there
is so much in your life and in the world
[1:02:38] worth appreciating. Many of the MVIS
we've discussed elevate our emotional
[1:02:43] state. In that sense, this final happy
habit brings them all together. A
[1:02:50] pleasure booster is a small intentional
activity that lifts your mood. It might
[1:02:58] be closing your eyes for a minute and
picturing someone you love, listening to
[1:03:03] a favorite song, savoring a bite of
food, reading a meaningful poem, playing
[1:03:10] with your dog, or watching a short funny
video clip. Introduce these moments into
[1:03:17] your life regularly. As Nathaniel
Brandon wrote, "Pleasure for man is not
[1:03:23] a luxury but a profound psychological
need." To truly benefit from these
[1:03:30] pleasure boosters, we need to stop or
at least slow down, even if only for 30
[1:03:37] seconds or a minute. Make a list of
small activities that elevate your mood
[1:03:43] and begin to weave them into your day,
your week, your month. In doing so,
[1:03:51] you'll not only enhance your experience
of life, but also enjoy the many
[1:03:55] benefits that come with it. All the MVIS
that I recommend are evidence-based and
[1:04:02] supported by research. Research however
cannot tell you exactly which happy
[1:04:08] habits you should introduce into your
life. Research generally gives us truths
[1:04:14] about the collective. It does not
offer precise prescriptions for each
[1:04:20] individual to decide which happy habits
are right for you. Study the research
[1:04:27] and then engage in me search. Look
inside. Explore your personal needs and
[1:04:35] experiment. Beyond experimenting with
the MVIS in this book, come up with your
[1:04:41] own happy habits and learn from what
others are doing. In her article, 17 one
[1:04:48] minute habits that will change your
life. Holistic health coach Josie Shanti
[1:04:54] recommends habits I have not included
today, but that may work well for you,
[1:05:00] such as making your bed, fixing your
posture, and adding leafy greens to your
[1:05:07] meal. Writer Dara Kanlaya suggests not
picking up your phone the moment you
[1:05:14] open your eyes in the morning. Instead,
he recommends spending that first minute
[1:05:20] purposefully doing something that works
for you. He writes, "It will set the
[1:05:26] tone for the rest of the day and help
you be more productive, positive, and
[1:05:32] mindful." The key is to keep engaging in
research, whether you're deciding which
[1:05:40] happy habits to try or what time of day
to practice them. So study the research,
[1:05:46] conduct your research, and let's get to work.
>> Chapter 3, the three Rs of meaningful change.
[1:05:58] >> In order to bridge the gap between
knowing and doing, between an idea and
[1:06:05] its implementation, we can turn to
the history of religion. Theologians
[1:06:10] throughout the ages recognized the
gap between theory and practice and
[1:06:15] developed ways to bridge it. If the goal
is virtuous action, then knowledge is
[1:06:21] only the beginning. Thousands of years
of religious practice along with more
[1:06:26] recent research in psychology and
neuroscience point to the same
[1:06:31] conclusion. The three Rs. Reminders,
repetition, and rituals are essential
[1:06:38] for creating real and lasting change.
In the context of change, reminders are
[1:06:46] external cues in our environment that
help focus our attention on a commitment
[1:06:52] we've made. Some reminders are simple
and straightforward. Others are a bit
[1:06:57] more creative. For example, a bracelet
that you wear regularly can serve as a
[1:07:03] reminder to return to the present moment
and engage in informal meditation. A
[1:07:08] spiritual well-being MVI. If you want
to incorporate regular high-intensity
[1:07:14] exercise bursts, a physical well-being
MVI, you can set your phone to ping
[1:07:20] every couple of hours. A quote on your
screen saver can prompt you to pause and
[1:07:26] reread meaningful words. An intellectual
well-being MVI. A picture of your mother
[1:07:33] or of Mother Teresa can remind you to
engage in acts of kindness, a relational
[1:07:39] well-being MVI. And your daily planner
can cue you to express gratitude, an
[1:07:45] emotional well-being MVI, at the end of
each day. Within religious traditions,
[1:07:51] reminders appear in many forms. Take
prayer for example. While it is central
[1:07:56] to most religions, its primary function
is not to generate new knowledge,
[1:08:02] especially once the words are familiar.
Rather, prayer serves as a reminder of
[1:08:08] the values and changes a religion seeks
to cultivate in both the individual and
[1:08:14] the community. Another example is
religious holidays. Catholics observe
[1:08:20] St. Augustine Day on August 28 as a way
of reconnecting with Augustinian values.
[1:08:28] For Jews, Passover serves as a reminder
of the journey from slavery to freedom.
[1:08:35] And simply attending services in a
temple, church, or mosque offers ongoing
[1:08:41] reminders through words, music, and
imagery of the beliefs and behaviors
[1:08:48] each tradition aims to instill. We can
think of reminders in two categories.
[1:08:54] Those that target our attitudes and
those that target our behaviors.
[1:08:59] Attitude reminders focus on our internal
world, our thoughts and feelings. For
[1:09:06] instance, I might remind myself that I'm
kind, that I accept my emotions, that I
[1:09:14] appreciate the good in myself and
others, or that I'm a loving parent.
[1:09:19] Behavior reminders, on the other hand,
focus on our actions. I might need a
[1:09:25] reminder to uh donate to charity, to
exercise, to breathe deeply, or to
[1:09:32] listen patiently when my children are
speaking. Of course, these two types of
[1:09:37] reminders are closely connected. In many
cases, there are simply two sides of the
[1:09:43] same coin, reinforcing one another.
Reminding myself to be a loving parent
[1:09:49] goes hand-in-hand with reminding myself
to listen patiently. Seeing myself as
[1:09:55] self-confident can support and be
supported by my ability to say no to
[1:10:01] things that don't align with my values
and setting a reminder to donate to
[1:10:07] charity each Friday while also reminding
myself that I'm a caring person. both
[1:10:13] serve the same broader goal
of increasing kindness.
[1:10:18] Regular reminders can pave the way to
repetition, which is of course essential
[1:10:26] for lasting change. Becoming physically
stronger takes time. It doesn't happen
[1:10:32] overnight or even over a month.
Journaling once or twice can certainly
[1:10:38] help. But the real benefits of
self analysis emerge when we do it
[1:10:43] consistently. Introducing
relationship boosters for a
[1:10:47] week or two is unlikely to transform
your relationships or your life. And
[1:10:53] giving yourself permission to be human
has to be an ongoing practice. Sporadic
[1:10:59] reminders are not enough. Both attitude
and behavior reminders need to be
[1:11:06] activated regularly and consistently to
have a lasting impact. This is why most
[1:11:14] religions encourage daily prayers,
weekly services, and the repeated
[1:11:21] celebration of holidays year after year
without repetition of both actions and
[1:11:29] words. New behaviors and attitudes
simply don't stick. If you repeatedly
[1:11:36] commit acts of kindness, you become
kinder over time. If you consistently
[1:11:41] engage in physical exercise, you not
only become fitter, you also begin to
[1:11:47] internalize the value of exercise,
making it more likely that you'll
[1:11:52] continue. And if you regularly express
love, whether by listening more
[1:11:58] attentively or hugging more often, you
become more loving. As philosopher Will
[1:12:06] Durant put it, we are what
we repeatedly do. The same
[1:12:14] is true for words. When you repeat
certain words, you gradually internalize
[1:12:19] them and they become part of who you are.
Eknath Easwaran, who taught the first
[1:12:26] academic course on meditation
in the United States in 1968,
[1:12:31] suggested that part of a daily
meditation practice should include a
[1:12:36] passage that is meaningful and
inspiring. With each repetition, he
[1:12:42] writes, we drive these words deeper
and deeper into our subconscious. He
[1:12:49] describes this as the essence of meditation,
[1:12:55] the secret of meditation. We become what
we meditate on. What our parents and
[1:13:03] teachers say to us and what we then
internalize and repeat to ourselves
[1:13:09] often determines who we become. Tell a
child she's capable and worthy and she's
[1:13:16] more likely to become so. Unfortunately,
the opposite is also true. We can
[1:13:23] generate upward spirals in our life
and in the life of others by carefully
[1:13:31] choosing the words that we repeat.
When you introduce reminders and
[1:13:38] repetition into your life, you move
closer to the promised land of change,
[1:13:45] the cultivation of rituals. A ritual
develops when a neural pathway
[1:13:53] associated with a particular behavior or
thought pattern is formed in the brain.
[1:13:59] The pathway begins to guide you leading
you to act or think in a certain way at
[1:14:05] a certain time. For example, after
repeatedly reminding yourself to return
[1:14:12] to the present moment, being present
becomes second nature. After taking cold
[1:14:18] showers for a month or two, your body
starts to adapt and may even begin to
[1:14:24] crave the experience. Reading and
rereading texts slowly and deliberately
[1:14:31] over time builds both the ability and
the desire to engage deeply not just
[1:14:38] with texts but with life. When an
activity or a way of thinking is
[1:14:44] repeated often enough, it becomes a
habit, a ritual. It no longer requires
[1:14:50] special effort. Instead, it becomes an
effortless part of your everyday life.
[1:14:58] As Frederick Langbridge writes, "We are
our own potters, for our habits make us,
[1:15:07] and we make our habits." A thought, a
feeling or behavior becomes ritualized
[1:15:16] when you do it automatically without
needing prompts, prods or persuasion.
[1:15:22] For a devout person, appreciating a
piece of bread or saying grace before a
[1:15:27] meal is often second nature, as is
giving to charity, turning to God for
[1:15:33] forgiveness, or observing religious
holidays. While religion is
[1:15:38] intentionally structured to cultivate
rituals, we all have rituals outside of
[1:15:44] religion as well. Brushing our teeth
in the morning, putting on a seat belt,
[1:15:51] watering plants, or feeling warmth when
we see a photo of a loved one's. These
[1:15:56] rituals are shaped less by understanding
and more by reminders and repetition.
[1:16:04] Most of us were told why brushing our
teeth matters, but it was the repeated
[1:16:08] reminders from our parents that actually
turned it into a daily ritual. In short,
[1:16:15] reminders create awareness.
Repetition builds the pathway and
[1:16:23] rituals make it automatic. Aristotle
whom I consider the father of
[1:16:30] the field of happiness studies claimed
that human beings are rational animals.
[1:16:37] Philosophers and psychologists
throughout history have questioned
[1:16:41] Aristotle's claim. In research that
earned him the Nobel Prize in economics,
[1:16:46] Daniel Kahneman challenged the
rationality assumption, pointing to the
[1:16:52] many irrational decisions we make
and biases and errors that shape our
[1:16:57] thinking. Earlier still, in a
treaties of human nature, 18th century
[1:17:03] philosopher David Hume attempted to
dethrone reason somewhat ironically
[1:17:10] through a series of rational arguments.
He concluded that reason is and ought
[1:17:16] only be the slave of the passions and
can never pretend to any other office
[1:17:23] than to serve and obey them. So what are
we really? Are we rational animals or
[1:17:31] are we emotional ones? Well, Aristotle
was uh partially right. We're certainly
[1:17:39] capable of rational thought and some
of our decisions are guided by reason.
[1:17:45] At the same time, Kahneman's research and
Hume's arguments make a compelling case
[1:17:52] for us being emotional animals. If not
the dominant force, emotions are at
[1:17:58] least among the defining features of our
nature. After all, many of the choices
[1:18:05] we make or avoid are driven by how
we feel. But there is still a missing
[1:18:11] piece, especially when it comes to
change. In addition to being rational
[1:18:17] and emotional, we're also creatures of
habit. And it turns out that to bridge
[1:18:25] the knowing doing gap and realize our
potential for growth, we need to pay
[1:18:30] close attention to this third dimension
of who we are. As Francis Bacon
[1:18:37] observed, nature to be commanded must
be obeyed. In other words, if we want to
[1:18:44] make the most of our lives, we need to
work with our nature, not against it.
[1:18:50] When we ignore or dismiss part of who
we are, including our deeply habitual
[1:18:57] nature, we limit our ability to grow.
It is only by acknowledging our full
[1:19:03] nature, rational, emotional,
habitual, that we can truly flourish.
[1:19:12] To understand why we need to work with
our nature as creatures of habit, it
[1:19:17] helps to look at the idea of rhetorical
choices which stem from rhetorical
[1:19:24] questions. A rhetorical question is
usually asked for effect where the
[1:19:30] answer is obvious. If you ask a child
whether he wants you to get angry, the
[1:19:36] answer is clear. Of course, he doesn't.
If you ask someone whether she wants to
[1:19:41] be happy, again the answer is obvious. A
rhetorical choice follows directly from
[1:19:48] such a question. Presenting options were
a better choice seems self-evident. Take
[1:19:56] this example. Do you want to appreciate
your loved ones or do you prefer to take
[1:20:02] them for granted? Well, I doubt
anyone would say they've had enough of
[1:20:07] appreciating their family and friends
and are now ready to ignore them. And
[1:20:12] yet, most people most of the time end up
taking their loved ones for granted. Or
[1:20:20] consider another rhetorical choice. Do
you prefer to treat your loved ones with
[1:20:26] kindness and patience or with impatience
and unkindness? Very few people, if any,
[1:20:33] would consciously choose the latter. And
yet, we can all recall moments when we
[1:20:40] reacted harshly or insensitively and
later regretted it. So why do we so
[1:20:46] often make poor choices when the better
option is so clear? Because neither the
[1:20:53] rational side of our nature nor the
emotional side on their own is enough to
[1:21:00] determine our actions. The reason we
don't make better choices even when the
[1:21:06] right choice is obvious is not
that we're not smart or that
[1:21:11] we're not good people. Rather, it is
because we forget. And the three Rs are
[1:21:18] the antidote to our forgetfulness
starting with reminders through
[1:21:25] repetition and arriving at
rituals. So the question is
[1:21:31] which MVI are you going to introduce in
your life? Which reminders will you put
[1:21:39] in place? Which actions will you repeat?
And which rituals will you begin to
[1:21:47] cultivate starting today?
What are you going to do?
[1:22:02] There are MVIS you can do on a
plane when you're sardined in.
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