Transcript
[0:00] As a kid, I would come home from school
[0:02] and I would practice my French horn and
[0:04] then I would paint with my mother and it
[0:05] was just bliss. But my mom was better
[0:07] than me, not just because she was older,
[0:09] but because she had more ability. I
[0:10] remember asking her, I was probably 13
[0:12] or 14 years [music] old, how I could
[0:14] improve as an artist. She said, "Look
[0:17] deeply at the thing you're trying to
[0:19] [music] draw, that you want to draw.
[0:21] Think about it and look at it again.
[0:23] Stare at it. Look at the nuances.
[0:25] Then try." Savouring experiences [music]
[0:28] in life, neutral experiences, good
[0:30] experiences, even bad experiences, can
[0:33] be fundamentally game-changing in your
[0:35] [music] well-being. One of the biggest
[0:36] ways that we miss our happiness
[0:39] is that we're not here, we're not fully
[0:41] alive. And I promise you that if you
[0:44] learn to savor your life,
[0:45] your life's going to change.
[0:53] Hi friends, welcome to Office [music]
[0:55] Hours. I'm Arthur Brooks. This is a show
[0:56] about how you can lift people up and
[0:58] bring them together in bonds of
[0:59] happiness [music] and love using actual
[1:02] science and ideas. This is a show that
[1:04] actually shows you how research can be
[1:06] in the public interest and indeed your
[1:08] interest. If you want to lift people up,
[1:10] if you want to help people to become
[1:12] their best selves, this show's for you.
[1:14] That's why I do it. I want to be
[1:15] happier, I want you to be happier, and I
[1:17] want you to help other people to be
[1:18] happier. And furthermore, this is not
[1:21] just a self-improvement idea. This is
[1:23] one that's actually based in data and
[1:24] that's what we'll be talking about. This
[1:25] is an evidence-based program about how
[1:28] to live your best life. Hope you've
[1:30] enjoyed it so far. If you do, please
[1:32] recommend this show to other people. Uh
[1:33] hit like and subscribe wherever you're
[1:36] uh listening or watching this show. That
[1:37] actually helps the algorithms find other
[1:39] people, as a matter of fact, and and I
[1:41] appreciate you doing that an awful lot.
[1:43] If you have questions or criticisms or
[1:45] comments, we want to hear it. Leave it
[1:46] in the notes, um leave it in the comment
[1:48] sections, wherever you're consuming this
[1:50] content, or send me a note at
[1:52] officehours@arthurbrooks.com.
[1:54] Uh don't forget to leave a review. We
[1:56] want to know what you think and once
[1:57] again, that's really helpful to the show
[1:59] so that we can continue to spread as we
[2:00] are. Bigger audiences almost every week.
[2:03] So, thanks to you for that. Hey friends,
[2:05] a lot of you know that I keep a very
[2:06] high protein diet. That's important for
[2:08] me in my 60s cuz I want to maintain a
[2:10] good level of muscle protein synthesis
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[2:14] eat as much protein as I want from whole
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[2:18] not manageable all the time. For that
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[3:59] You're not broken.
[4:01] You're meaning starved.
[4:03] I talk to people all the time who are by
[4:05] any external measure successful. They
[4:08] build careers. They have families.
[4:10] They've checked the boxes. And yet,
[4:12] something feels off. Life feels thin.
[4:16] Like you're going through the motions.
[4:18] Like you're watching yourself [music]
[4:19] from the outside.
[4:21] And here's what I want you to know. That
[4:22] feeling is not a personal failing. It's
[4:25] not ingratitude. [music] It's not
[4:27] something wrong with you.
[4:29] It's a meaning problem.
[4:31] And it's an epidemic.
[4:33] The modern world [music] is
[4:34] extraordinary at giving us comfort,
[4:36] achievement, and distraction. It's
[4:38] terrible at giving us meaning.
[4:40] And no amount of success will fix that.
[4:43] I've seen it in my research, and I've
[4:45] seen it in [music] my own life.
[4:47] That's exactly what we work on at MEA,
[4:49] the Modern Elder Academy, in a program
[4:52] I've developed called The Meaning of
[4:54] Your Life.
[4:55] It's not a lecture. It's not a quick
[4:57] fix. It's several days of real work
[4:59] [music] in a small group on the
[5:01] questions that actually matter.
[5:04] If what I'm describing sounds familiar,
[5:06] I hope you'll come take a look.
[5:11] I'm recording this
[5:13] uh a little bit before Mother's Day
[5:16] 2026. It's going to play pretty close to
[5:18] Mother's Day as a matter of fact, and so
[5:20] you're probably thinking about Mom,
[5:21] whether Mom is still alive or not, and I
[5:23] hope you had a good experience growing
[5:25] up with your mom. I hope you love your
[5:26] mom. Everybody deserves to, for sure.
[5:28] Not everybody does.
[5:30] Um I want to tell you a little story
[5:31] about mine. Not because this is a show
[5:33] about Mother's Day, but because
[5:35] this is going to help me explain a very
[5:37] important phenomenon for your happiness.
[5:41] My mother was my late mother. She died
[5:44] relatively young, 73. She suffered a lot
[5:46] because she was very ill for most of her
[5:48] life as a matter of fact. She was
[5:50] however
[5:52] a terrific artist. She was an artist of
[5:53] some renown in the Pacific Northwest. I
[5:55] grew up in Seattle, Washington. And she
[5:57] was a terrific mixed media artist. Many
[6:00] people in the Pacific Northwest own her
[6:02] paintings.
[6:03] She did this
[6:05] to the exclusion of most other things
[6:06] over the course of her life. She was
[6:07] also an amateur violinist and pianist.
[6:09] So she was really into the arts and a
[6:11] creative soul to be sure. One of the
[6:13] reasons that she was
[6:14] so dedicated to her art, if you've been
[6:16] a
[6:17] a listener of this program over the last
[6:19] few weeks, you'll recognize this
[6:21] argument. It is that when you
[6:24] participate in the production of beauty,
[6:26] you illuminate the right hemisphere of
[6:27] your brain and you find the meaning of
[6:28] your life.
[6:30] When my mother would wake up in the
[6:31] morning, she was she was really in a lot
[6:33] of uh really in a lot of agony. She
[6:35] suffered from tremendous mental health
[6:37] problems and
[6:39] I mean every day was a chore. It just
[6:42] was.
[6:43] And then she would come down and have a
[6:45] cup of decaf and
[6:47] cuz because of her medication she
[6:48] couldn't take caffeine and and she would
[6:50] have a little breakfast and then she
[6:51] would head up to her studio.
[6:54] And and life started at that moment. She
[6:56] was a different person. It was
[6:57] extraordinary as a matter of fact how I
[6:59] saw that.
[7:00] And she was a great artist. She was
[7:03] fantastic. She had excellent technique.
[7:05] If she decided to paint a naked guy
[7:07] holding a guitar
[7:09] um much to my mortification as a
[7:11] teenager it actually looked like that.
[7:13] And it was beautiful to boot I guess
[7:15] although once again as a teenager I
[7:16] wouldn't have been able to discern that.
[7:18] Now growing up um I was very interested
[7:20] in the arts myself. I was more of a
[7:22] musician as a matter of fact I made my
[7:24] living as a classical musician for many
[7:25] years until I was 31 years old. But I
[7:28] was interested in all different kinds of
[7:29] creativity. I wrote stories and poetry
[7:32] and I painted with my mother.
[7:34] As a kid I would come home from school
[7:35] and I would practice my French horn and
[7:37] then I would paint with my mother and it
[7:39] was just bliss. You know and I just I I
[7:41] loved it too.
[7:42] Not knowing of course that my little
[7:44] right hemisphere was fully illuminated
[7:46] and I was experiencing the the meaning
[7:47] of my life.
[7:49] But my mom was better than me, not just
[7:50] because she was older, but because she
[7:51] had more ability. I remember asking her,
[7:53] I was probably 13 or 14 years old, how I
[7:56] could improve as an artist and I
[7:57] expected her to say,
[7:59] do a lot. Get the reps, which certainly
[8:02] is true. That's not what she told me.
[8:03] She said,
[8:05] "Here's the reason that people can't
[8:06] draw. Here's the reason. Because they
[8:08] actually never look at the thing they're
[8:10] trying to draw."
[8:12] She said, "Look deeply at the thing
[8:15] you're trying to draw, that you want to
[8:17] draw. Think about it and look at it
[8:19] again. Stare at it. Look at the nuances.
[8:22] Then try."
[8:24] So, I was actually
[8:26] trying to draw a tree. Simple thing,
[8:28] right? And I would look at it and go and
[8:29] try to draw the tree. Didn't look like a
[8:30] tree. Didn't look very good at all.
[8:32] Then I really stared at it. I really
[8:35] took in uh
[8:36] the details of what I was looking at. I
[8:38] was
[8:39] I wasn't relying on my brain to fill in
[8:41] the details. I was actually observing
[8:43] the details, the contours, the colors,
[8:45] the shadows.
[8:46] And I drew a pretty good tree. Now,
[8:48] here's the point of that.
[8:50] I was also happy.
[8:52] When I was I remember being really
[8:53] happy, not because the tree looked good,
[8:55] but because the whole experience was
[8:56] rich. What was that?
[8:59] It turns out that that was an experience
[9:01] of what we call savoring.
[9:03] Savoring experiences in life, neutral
[9:06] experiences, good experiences,
[9:09] even bad experiences, can be
[9:10] fundamentally game-changing in your
[9:12] well-being. And that's what I want to
[9:14] talk about today.
[9:15] In our hustle and grind culture, where
[9:17] everything is fast, where we're
[9:20] distracted constantly, one of the
[9:22] biggest sources, one of the biggest ways
[9:25] that we miss our happiness,
[9:27] is we're not here. We're not fully
[9:29] alive. Now, this is not just a call for
[9:32] some sort of mindfulness meditation
[9:34] technique.
[9:35] This means simply savoring life as it's
[9:39] happening right now. I want to tell you
[9:42] why it's so important, and I want to
[9:44] tell you how you can do it in your
[9:45] ordinary life. And I promise you that if
[9:48] you learn to savor your life,
[9:50] your life's going to change. Let's start
[9:51] off with some, you know, some basics of
[9:53] what savoring actually means. Savoring
[9:55] is it is to pay attention
[9:58] and to say, "I want to be doing this
[10:01] right now. I want to be fully absorbed
[10:04] in this thing right now." That's what
[10:06] savoring really is. So, you savor the
[10:08] experience of eating a piece of
[10:10] chocolate. You don't just gobble it up.
[10:14] You actually put it in your mouth and
[10:15] you taste it on your tongue, and you
[10:17] feel the texture of the chocolate, and
[10:18] you're conscious of it. Say, "That's
[10:21] that's smooth that or that's sweet." Or
[10:23] whatever it happens to be. That's what
[10:24] savoring really is all about. Or if you
[10:26] savor moments with your beloved before
[10:29] you say goodbye, you're experiencing the
[10:31] look in her eyes
[10:33] and the the smell of her skin,
[10:35] and you're conscious of that. That's
[10:37] what savoring really is.
[10:39] Now, there's been a lot of research on
[10:41] how that affects you psychologically,
[10:44] how that affects you
[10:45] neurophysiologically.
[10:47] And it's pretty interesting what
[10:49] researchers have come up with. When
[10:50] you're savoring, when you're paying
[10:51] attention, when you're immersive, when
[10:53] you're here now
[10:55] on something neutral, positive, or
[10:57] perhaps even negative, I'll get to that
[10:59] later, you're actually it it stimulates
[11:01] the reward processing centers in your
[11:04] brain. Your brain's ventral striatum.
[11:06] There's two parts of your limbic system
[11:08] that principally are responsible for you
[11:10] feeling pleasure. One is the ventral
[11:12] striatum, and the other's called the
[11:13] ventral tegmental area. You tap those
[11:15] things, you know.
[11:16] Now,
[11:17] they're very thrifty, which means there
[11:19] are lots of ways to tap it. If you say,
[11:21] if my wife says to me, "I just love you
[11:23] so much." It will tap these pleasure
[11:26] centers, and I'll say,
[11:27] "Joy." Right? That's positive emotion.
[11:30] If I had a huge bump of cocaine, it
[11:32] would do the same thing because of my
[11:34] thrifty brain. By the way, I don't do
[11:35] that. But you get the point that I'm
[11:37] actually trying to make.
[11:38] So,
[11:39] when you savor, you will actually
[11:42] stimulate that ventral striatum, that
[11:44] part of your brain that and and there's
[11:45] interesting research on that that of
[11:47] course, as always, I'm going to put in
[11:48] the show notes. This is a paper called
[11:50] savoring the past, positive memories
[11:52] evoke values representation in the
[11:54] striatum from neuron, which is a
[11:56] terrific journal, neuroscience journal.
[11:59] So, all you have to do to do that is to
[12:02] pay attention and say, "I want to be
[12:04] paying attention to this. I like paying
[12:06] attention to this." And then really
[12:08] look, like I was looking at that tree
[12:09] that day.
[12:11] You can even savor completely ordinary
[12:13] things like,
[12:15] "Right now, I am walking to the post
[12:17] office."
[12:18] That's the essence of what the great
[12:20] Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat
[12:23] Hanh, of course, one of the most famous
[12:25] Buddhist in the world, um a Theravada
[12:27] Buddhist monk, Vietnamese, when he wrote
[12:29] his famous classic, The Miracle of
[12:31] Mindfulness, which starts off with this
[12:33] just explanation, this description of
[12:36] washing the dishes. When I'm washing the
[12:37] dishes, I should be fully present in the
[12:39] act of washing the dishes. What he's
[12:40] saying is savor washing the dishes.
[12:44] Don't rush through it. Be fully present.
[12:47] Be saying, "This is what I'm doing now.
[12:48] I like the fact that I'm savoring this.
[12:51] I like the fact that I'm fully present."
[12:53] And that will
[12:55] stimulate, once again, I'm here to tell
[12:56] you that's going to stimulate your
[12:57] pleasure centers. You're going to get
[12:58] pleasure from washing the dishes, but
[13:01] only if you savor washing the dishes.
[13:03] The second thing that does, this is an
[13:04] interesting study from 2022, is it
[13:06] lowers symptoms of depression and
[13:08] increases higher levels of reported
[13:10] happiness. Probably that's related to
[13:12] the first effect that I talked about
[13:14] because when you when you stimulate the
[13:16] parts of the limbic system that elicit
[13:18] the feelings of joy,
[13:19] that's not consistent with the the the
[13:22] affective pain that we actually get,
[13:24] which is the activation of that the
[13:26] anterior cingulate cortex, a different
[13:28] part of the limbic system. And third, it
[13:31] it leads to these
[13:33] higher levels of reported happiness in
[13:36] in not in looking at people's brains,
[13:39] but just asking for
[13:41] people's experiences.
[13:43] There's one study where researchers
[13:45] asked human subjects to record the
[13:46] frequency and intensity of their daily
[13:49] positive experiences.
[13:51] Half of the subjects in these
[13:53] experiments were asked to savor
[13:55] savor their events in their lives, to be
[13:57] fully present, to be paying attention.
[14:00] And they found that these subjects were
[14:01] significantly happier after the
[14:03] experiment than those who were not given
[14:05] any specific instructions. In other
[14:07] words, if I just remind you to be fully
[14:08] present, you're going to be happier.
[14:11] You're going to enjoy your life more.
[14:13] This is especially clear for people who
[14:15] experience Here's our Here's the irony.
[14:18] For people who experience fewer positive
[14:19] events. In other words,
[14:22] if you're living a life that is tough
[14:24] and you're going through a really tough
[14:25] time right now, and you savor the
[14:28] moments that you like,
[14:30] you know, this all of us go through
[14:31] these things. We're really stressed out
[14:32] or really really too busy or
[14:35] but there's going to be a moment like,
[14:36] you know, sun coming through the clouds
[14:38] a little bit, you stop and you say, "Oh,
[14:39] yeah.
[14:40] Sunshine on my face." And you savor it,
[14:43] that will have a disproportionately
[14:45] joyful impact on you. The less good
[14:48] there is, the more good you get.
[14:51] That's one of the benefits of savoring.
[14:53] It also leads to happier memories later
[14:55] on, which is interesting that the more
[14:57] that you savor the present, the more
[14:59] you're going to remember the present
[15:01] when it becomes the past, because you
[15:03] lay down more intense memories in the
[15:06] hippocampus of your brain. The episodic
[15:07] memories are actually more distinct when
[15:09] you savor them. It It makes perfect
[15:11] sense, doesn't it? You remember the
[15:13] things where it feels like time slowed
[15:14] down because you were fully present. By
[15:16] the way, this is one of the reasons that
[15:17] when when you're in the middle of a car
[15:19] accident, it feels like time slows down,
[15:21] because you're laying down hugely
[15:23] complex memory tracks in those moments.
[15:26] You're savoring the experience of
[15:28] getting T-boned by a semi or something,
[15:31] which, you know, not so great, I
[15:32] suppose.
[15:34] Actually, more on that later because I
[15:36] want to tell you how negative events can
[15:38] be savored much to your advantage as
[15:40] well, but we're not there yet. So, savor
[15:42] more, have happier memories later. Now,
[15:44] this is important. This one's really
[15:45] important to me personally. I'll tell
[15:46] you why. I don't have very many happy
[15:48] memories. It's not like I had some
[15:50] trauma, some terrible childhood, but
[15:53] I don't have happy memories. I just
[15:54] don't. I don't like remembering the
[15:56] past. I don't like looking at childhood
[15:58] photo albums. I don't like it. I don't
[16:00] like looking at old videos. Just
[16:02] bugs me. It bothers me. It makes me
[16:04] uncomfortable to do that. I mean, I
[16:06] practically don't drive looking in the
[16:07] rearview mirror. I'm a dangerous driver.
[16:09] But, I mean, I go through life not
[16:11] looking in the rearview mirror. It's
[16:12] through the through the windshield of
[16:13] the car. It's just for some reason
[16:15] that's how I'm I'm wired. I don't like
[16:18] talking about the good old days. And so,
[16:19] it's hard for me to keep up with my old
[16:21] friends, as a matter of fact, because
[16:22] it's just past. I don't know. I mean, I
[16:24] have this one set of really, really
[16:26] happy memories. When somebody says,
[16:27] "What are your happiest memories from
[16:28] childhood?" They're all the same thing.
[16:30] I used to go down to the Oregon coast
[16:32] with my Aunt Marie.
[16:34] Um and
[16:35] Lincoln City. Lincoln City, Oregon. And
[16:38] it's funny because those of you who've
[16:39] been a long-time
[16:41] uh viewer of this show, you know that
[16:42] I'm great friends with Rainn Wilson, the
[16:44] actor. And um
[16:45] his wife grew up going to the Oregon
[16:47] coast in the exact same places as me.
[16:49] And we reminisce about that, actually,
[16:51] which is sweet and and and really good.
[16:53] But but generally, I don't like it. I
[16:54] don't like that. And what I've learned
[16:56] from the literature, this is how I try
[16:57] to engineer my own life is by by using
[16:59] the research to live better, is right
[17:01] now what I'm trying to do with my life
[17:02] is savor more now because I want better
[17:05] memories. I I don't want to be
[17:07] the kind of guy that can't
[17:09] remember the past in a positive way. So,
[17:11] why is it hard? Why don't we naturally
[17:13] do it? If this were such a great thing,
[17:14] then we'd be savoring everything all the
[17:16] time, and life would be sweet, right?
[17:17] Well, it's hard because we're not
[17:19] evolved to savor anything. We're evolved
[17:22] to rush through everything and pay
[17:23] attention to the negative. That's what
[17:25] we're designed to do. Now, why? You as a
[17:29] viewer of the show, you know that I rely
[17:31] a lot on evolutionary, biological, and
[17:33] psychological um arguments and and
[17:35] because they're compelling and because
[17:37] they're morally right. We have brains
[17:39] that were designed in more or less their
[17:41] current form something like 250,000
[17:43] years ago in the late Pleistocene era.
[17:46] And that was a dangerous time to be Homo
[17:48] sapiens. You know, you had to pay
[17:49] attention a lot or you're going to be a
[17:51] wild animal's lunch. There was no law.
[17:54] Somebody could come in, you know,
[17:56] take your buffalo jerky and animal skins
[17:59] and you know, kill you summarily if
[18:00] you're not paying attention. So, we have
[18:02] more brain space dedicated to negative
[18:04] emotions than positive emotions. That's
[18:06] what gives us what we call the
[18:07] negativity bias in our lives. Negativity
[18:10] bias means that life isn't that great
[18:11] all the time, but it it we're more
[18:14] likely to get to tomorrow.
[18:16] We're more likely to survive the night.
[18:18] That makes perfect evolutionary sense
[18:21] that your suspicious, nervous inner
[18:24] troglodyte
[18:25] is trying to survive and pass on your
[18:27] genes. So, you're not a saber-tooth
[18:28] tiger's lunch, but
[18:30] that negativity bias is now maladapted.
[18:33] It's basically an error that we would do
[18:35] that, that we would not savor, but
[18:37] rather that we would be suspicious and
[18:39] vigilant and trying to get into the
[18:41] future as quickly as possible. As a
[18:43] survival tactic that doesn't actually
[18:44] lead us to happiness. One quick note,
[18:46] Mother Nature who did that doesn't care
[18:48] if we're happy. That is an important
[18:50] thing to keep in mind. Mother Nature
[18:52] wants us to survive and pass on our
[18:53] genes.
[18:54] But that's why we have a wonderful
[18:56] prefrontal cortex so that we have
[18:57] decisions
[18:59] we can make conscious decisions not just
[19:01] to live according to our animal
[19:02] impulses, but to live up to our moral
[19:04] aspirations. That's the beautiful thing
[19:06] about being human. That even though I
[19:08] have a negativity bias, I can override
[19:10] it with my consciousness.
[19:12] And that's what we're talking about
[19:12] here. Savoring is rebelling against
[19:15] yourself.
[19:17] And oh, how freeing that is, isn't it?
[19:20] To resist and up
[19:21] your worst impulses. It's an error
[19:23] because
[19:24] a negative disposition, it's it's
[19:26] maladaptive today because a negative
[19:28] disposition makes us error-prone in our
[19:30] predictions. You're always going to
[19:31] over-predict the worst. You're going to
[19:33] be against assume the worst all the
[19:34] time. That's a heck of a way to live.
[19:37] And it lowers our quality of life, to be
[19:38] sure, of course. Lots of interesting
[19:40] work on this, by the way. I'll put it in
[19:42] a
[19:42] a great article in the notes.
[19:44] Titled, "The Brain Is Adaptive, Not
[19:46] Triune: How the Brain Responds to
[19:48] Threat, Challenge, and Change." And and
[19:49] that's in Psychology, Therapy, and
[19:51] Psychobiotics. It's a nice article.
[19:53] So, savoring is the secret to great
[19:54] happiness, but it doesn't come
[19:56] naturally. How are you going to savor
[19:58] your life more? And and that's what I
[20:00] want to tell you now. What are the
[20:01] techniques for actually savoring more?
[20:03] How What are the techniques for
[20:04] overriding your negativity bias, your
[20:07] tendency to rush into the future, to not
[20:09] pay attention, savor the ordinary
[20:11] moments of your life that you actually
[20:13] need?
[20:14] And I'm going to give you three ways to
[20:15] do it. Three ways that you can savor
[20:17] your life more. Number one. Technique
[20:19] number one for savoring your life. Do it
[20:22] in all three
[20:24] time zones.
[20:25] Okay, now, what do I mean by that? I
[20:27] don't mean literal time zones.
[20:29] I'm talking about savoring the past,
[20:33] savoring the present, and savoring the
[20:34] future. This comes from the work of a
[20:36] the psychologist Fred Bryant
[20:38] who created something called the
[20:39] Savoring Beliefs Inventory, which asks
[20:42] people to to talk about their tendency
[20:44] to seek and enjoy positive experiences
[20:46] and memories.
[20:47] A- And so, how does he talk about it?
[20:49] Richness of reminiscence. In other
[20:51] words, what do I need to do as somebody
[20:53] who struggles with the past?
[20:55] Is think back to the past and think,
[20:58] "What was good about that?" And you know
[20:59] what? I just did that in the opening of
[21:00] the show, didn't I? I mean, I could have
[21:02] talked about the fact that my mom was
[21:03] sad all the time. It seemed to be as a
[21:06] little kid sometimes.
[21:08] I- wasn't sad all the time. She was
[21:10] painting beautiful paintings and those
[21:12] were moments of bliss for her and I
[21:13] remembered that on purpose. Why? Because
[21:15] I was savoring the memory of me savoring
[21:18] the present.
[21:20] This recursive structure created by time
[21:23] travel in the prefrontal cortex. It's a
[21:24] miracle, isn't it? Able to edit my
[21:26] memory in this particular way, in a
[21:28] positive way. Richness of reminiscence
[21:31] is doing exactly that. It's to savor the
[21:33] past on purpose by paying attention to
[21:36] the the positive parts. And by the way,
[21:37] the editing of memory is a very
[21:39] interesting area of research.
[21:41] You know, you can say,
[21:42] "Oh, yeah, you know, Thanksgiving of,
[21:45] you know, 1996, that's when, you know,
[21:47] you know, Uncle Chet, he, you know,
[21:49] got so drunk and he barfed in the front
[21:51] yard and and went and beat up the
[21:52] neighbor."
[21:54] There was something good that happened
[21:55] that day, too, probably.
[21:57] I'm just going to guess.
[21:58] Um, second time zone is the present and
[22:01] that's the degree of conscious
[22:03] enjoyment. That's really kind of the
[22:04] main focus of what we're talking about
[22:06] here, savoring the present, being here
[22:09] fully, thinking about the good that is
[22:12] in this, the experience, the full
[22:13] experience.
[22:15] You know, that's that's that that full
[22:17] experience is has almost theological
[22:18] overtones. The the great uh Catholic
[22:21] saint Irenaeus of the 2nd century,
[22:23] his most famous quote is that
[22:25] the glory of God is a man fully alive.
[22:28] And to be fully alive is to be fully
[22:31] present. Why? Because only in the
[22:33] present can you love. You can't
[22:36] love in a different time. You can't love
[22:38] in the past or love in the future. Love
[22:40] is now.
[22:41] If you're not here now, you're not
[22:43] loving. By the way, important for your
[22:45] relationships. Why should you savor your
[22:48] marriage?
[22:49] Because she needs love and so do you.
[22:52] And then here's the third time zone, the
[22:53] future.
[22:55] And that's
[22:56] something to look forward to. That's
[22:57] keenness of anticipation. Now, that
[22:59] could this a little All can go a long
[23:01] way. According to Marty Seligman at
[23:03] University of Pennsylvania, the average
[23:05] Homo sapiens spends 30 to 50% of the
[23:08] time thinking about the future because
[23:11] it's incredibly adaptive. You you
[23:12] practice future scenarios, see the
[23:15] dangers, come back to the present, and
[23:16] don't choose those roots and those paths
[23:18] into the future. That's how we That's
[23:20] why human beings are so awesome is
[23:22] because we're able to make mistakes in
[23:25] our minds and not make them in real
[23:26] life.
[23:27] And so, the average person is literally
[23:28] 30 to 50% of the time in the future, but
[23:31] the average striver, and I'm looking at
[23:33] you,
[23:34] and I'm kind of looking in the mirror,
[23:36] spends something like 80% of their time
[23:37] in the future.
[23:39] These are estimates. Your results may
[23:40] vary as they say in the commercials.
[23:42] But, if you're 80% of your time in the
[23:44] future and it's all castles in the sky,
[23:46] this can go a long way. But, if you're
[23:48] the kind of person who lives with a
[23:49] little bit of dread,
[23:51] then thinking about things that you can
[23:52] look forward to is all about the
[23:54] savoring of the future. So, you got to
[23:56] figure out is that your challenge or
[23:57] not. If it's not your challenge, good.
[23:59] If it is, that's what to do. You don't
[24:02] have to really choose. I recommend that
[24:03] you choose all three, but I do recommend
[24:05] that you think once again, as I'm
[24:06] emphasizing here, that one of these
[24:08] things is harder for you and that's what
[24:10] you you should actually work on. If you
[24:12] have a hard time being here now, then
[24:13] present savoring is important. If you
[24:14] have a hard time in the past, you need
[24:16] to edit your memories. That's me.
[24:18] If you have a hard time actually getting
[24:19] out of the future, right? Or if you have
[24:21] a hard time actually not being in the
[24:22] future because you have so much dread,
[24:24] then that's what you need to is to find
[24:25] something to look forward to.
[24:27] What do you need to do? What's your
[24:28] challenge? What's the time zone in which
[24:30] you need to savor? Go do that.
[24:32] That's number one. Number two
[24:34] is to expand your repertoire of savoring
[24:37] techniques. This is great stuff from
[24:39] from 2010, where psychologists found
[24:42] four savoring techniques that were
[24:43] really, really effective. So, here's
[24:44] your savoring chops. Here's what Here's
[24:47] how we're going to put it together.
[24:48] Number one is what they call behavioral
[24:50] display, which means expressing positive
[24:53] emotion with nonverbal behaviors. Here's
[24:55] the deal.
[24:56] Smile even if you don't feel it. I think
[24:58] I've mentioned on the show before the
[24:59] Duchenne smile, which is the only smile
[25:02] that's actually associated with true
[25:03] human happiness. It involves two sets of
[25:05] muscles in the face, the zygomaticus
[25:07] major and the orbicularis oculi muscles.
[25:09] You can actually simulate that by
[25:11] holding a pencil in your teeth like
[25:13] this.
[25:14] Uh and kind of uh
[25:16] because happiness is seen in the eyes
[25:17] and not in the mouth. That's the
[25:19] Duchenne smile. That was invented That
[25:21] was not That was named discovered and
[25:23] named by a physiologist named Duchenne
[25:25] because he wanted the happy smile to be
[25:26] named after himself, of course.
[25:28] But you can do that, by the way. I mean,
[25:30] you can put the pencil in your molars
[25:32] and go grin in the mirror.
[25:34] That way, you'll you'll fool your brain.
[25:36] You'll be happier because of this
[25:37] behavioral display, because of what
[25:39] you're doing. This is a This is actually
[25:40] a savoring technique in its own way.
[25:43] Smile more. Pretend you're happier. Go
[25:46] act happier.
[25:47] Behavioral display is number one way to
[25:49] to to savor. When you're doing
[25:51] something, behave
[25:54] with joy.
[25:55] Second,
[25:56] it'd be present, which is mindfully
[25:58] focusing on the pleasant experience. And
[25:59] what that means is saying to yourself,
[26:01] "I am doing this thing. I am sitting on
[26:04] the train looking out at a beautiful
[26:07] seascape."
[26:08] If that's what it is. Being present
[26:10] means actually saying the thing to
[26:11] yourself because you want to bring it
[26:13] from your subconscious into your
[26:15] prefrontal cortex, into your you know,
[26:17] consciousness, where you're really
[26:18] thinking about something. And the way to
[26:20] do that is by saying it. And and it's
[26:22] it's really unbelievably effective.
[26:24] There's a famous piece of avant-garde
[26:26] music from the 1970s by a a
[26:29] French composer named Alvin Lucier
[26:31] called I Am Sitting in a Room. And the
[26:34] whole thing is just I Am Sitting in a
[26:35] Room. And he talks about sitting in the
[26:37] room. It's just like studying savoring
[26:38] and
[26:39] over and over and over and over again. I
[26:41] thought, "How silly?" And now I'm
[26:42] thinking, "I kind of like it."
[26:45] So, say what you're doing to yourself.
[26:47] That's number two. Number three is
[26:48] capitalizing, which means talking about
[26:52] and celebrating positive experiences
[26:53] with others.
[26:54] So, don't just say it to yourself, say
[26:55] it to other people. Talk about the
[26:57] experience that you're actually having.
[26:59] Notice things to other people.
[27:01] Which makes this even more
[27:03] conscious, even more concrete, even more
[27:05] permanent. And last but not least is
[27:07] what they call positive mental time
[27:09] travel. Which is, once again, vivid
[27:11] reminiscence or anticipation of positive
[27:13] events, just what I talked about in the
[27:14] last one. So, those are your four
[27:17] techniques, your repertoire for
[27:18] savoring.
[27:20] Number three, I'm going to talk about
[27:21] how all this works for me. Right? Okay,
[27:23] so I'm This is kind of how I'll put it
[27:25] together. I promised you three, it's
[27:26] actually two, but now I'm going to talk
[27:27] about how I'm trying to do this in my
[27:29] own life. Here's how I do it. I use the
[27:32] research that I'm talking about by
[27:33] starting my morning
[27:35] with a quick reflection on two or three
[27:37] things that I'm looking forward to.
[27:39] Right when I wake up in the morning, the
[27:40] first thing that I do is I I say a
[27:42] prayer.
[27:43] That's how I start my day.
[27:45] Um at some point in the show I'll give
[27:47] you my daily prayer, um if you're
[27:48] interested. Put it in the notes if you
[27:50] are, or if you're not, say don't do
[27:51] that, okay? But then I reflect on two or
[27:53] three things I'm really looking forward
[27:55] to. And for me it'll be my morning
[27:56] workout routine. I just I want to do it,
[27:58] man. I'm just super grateful to wake up
[28:01] and be able to get out of the gym, even
[28:02] when I'm tired.
[28:03] Um getting to this podcast.
[28:06] Having dinner with my wife, whatever
[28:07] it's going to be, whatever that day is
[28:08] going to bring. Just kind of looking
[28:09] ahead a little bit and savoring that.
[28:12] I imagine each of these events vividly
[28:14] for a few seconds, and I make an effort
[28:15] to smile when I'm doing it.
[28:17] Because what I'm doing I'm
[28:18] neurocognitively programming myself to
[28:20] savor that thing, to remember it more,
[28:24] to imprint it in a positive way, so that
[28:26] the episodic memory of that event, when
[28:28] it actually becomes the past, will be
[28:30] positively valenced. Boy, that was a lot
[28:33] of jargon in that last sentence. Forgive
[28:34] me for that. And then finally, before I
[28:36] go to bed, I think back vividly on each
[28:38] one of these experiences, when it is now
[28:40] a memory with a sense of gratitude, and
[28:42] I'll express that gratitude with whoever
[28:44] I'm with, and it's almost always with my
[28:46] wife. At luck, when I'm going to sleep
[28:47] is either with my wife or I'm alone.
[28:49] Now, if I screw this up, um I fail to
[28:52] carry this out because my caveman limbic
[28:54] system wants to hijack the process and
[28:56] wants me to worry about somebody looting
[28:58] my cave and stealing my jerky and animal
[29:01] skins.
[29:02] And so, I start again.
[29:04] And And that's how I try to live. Before
[29:05] it's too good.
[29:07] One last note. I promised you I was
[29:08] going to talk about savoring bad things,
[29:10] too.
[29:11] The research focuses entirely on
[29:14] savoring pleasant events and
[29:16] experiences.
[29:17] But, there are difficult parts of your
[29:18] life, and if you savor them correctly,
[29:21] these can be unbelievably enriching, as
[29:23] well. And here's how I recommend you do
[29:24] that. Here's how you savor the bad.
[29:27] I've mentioned this briefly, but I want
[29:28] to bring it up again in the show.
[29:31] I keep a failure journal.
[29:33] Look, everybody has a lot of failure in
[29:34] their life, disappointment in their
[29:35] life. Lots of things are happening you
[29:37] don't like.
[29:38] When something bothers me,
[29:40] I write it down.
[29:42] Now, sometimes I keep it electronically,
[29:44] and sometimes I keep it in pencil and
[29:45] paper. It's actually better in pencil
[29:47] and paper, you're more likely to
[29:48] remember it. But, I I leave two blank
[29:50] lines
[29:51] under each entry.
[29:53] And I come back to the first one after a
[29:54] month.
[29:56] I go back and I read the thing that
[29:57] bothered me. It It might be something
[29:59] stupid, right?
[30:00] It It might be something kind of
[30:01] important. But, I come back and I say,
[30:03] after a month, after that first blank
[30:05] line, and I write down what I learned
[30:07] in the intervening period
[30:09] thanks to that bad experience. There's
[30:10] always something.
[30:12] It might be, you know, I thought that
[30:14] the argument that I had with somebody I
[30:15] care about,
[30:17] which really bummed me out. I thought it
[30:19] was going to bum me out for a long time,
[30:21] but actually stopped thinking about it
[30:22] almost immediately and didn't hurt the
[30:23] relationship. I learned that. How
[30:25] interesting. Then, after another month,
[30:27] I'll go back to the second blank line
[30:29] that I left after the entry, read it
[30:31] again, and read the thing I learned,
[30:34] and then write something positive,
[30:36] something good that happened as a result
[30:38] of the experience. I might say, "We
[30:40] ended up making amends, and our
[30:41] friendship is actually stronger as a
[30:43] result of that. A good thing happened as
[30:45] a result of our ability to make amends,
[30:47] which which deepened our relationship.
[30:49] Now, trust me, if you give it a bit of
[30:50] thought, you'll have something
[30:51] worthwhile to say about almost negative
[30:53] any negative event. You're not going to
[30:54] say I'm glad it happened,
[30:56] but you might.
[30:58] And you're going to get benefit from
[30:59] learning and benefit in in creating a
[31:02] more positively valenced memory from
[31:05] that, which is a form of savoring of
[31:07] something negative, which will add depth
[31:10] to your life, learning to your life,
[31:11] growth to your life.
[31:13] And that's something that makes every
[31:15] minute of your life worthwhile. I'll
[31:17] just finish with a couple of questions.
[31:19] Um, this comes from Eugene Zhao. Thanks
[31:21] for the email. How should someone
[31:23] earlier in their career
[31:25] think about intentionally maintaining
[31:27] and investing in relationships when so
[31:29] much of the feedback and momentum is
[31:30] pulling them toward work? Okay, yeah.
[31:32] Yeah, yeah, I get it, Eugene. We're all
[31:36] strivers, aren't we? Workaholics, I get
[31:38] it. And the answer to that is actually
[31:40] the work of Josef Pieper. I've done a
[31:43] podcast before on the importance of
[31:45] leisure. Josef Pieper said that there's
[31:47] three kinds of leisure. They do not
[31:49] include chilling on the beach. Cuz I
[31:51] tell you, fellow strivers, you go to the
[31:52] beach and you like the first couple of
[31:54] hours you're like, "This is awesome.
[31:55] It's so nice and I'm warm." By the third
[31:57] hour you're like, "I want to go back to
[31:58] work. I want to go back to work." Why?
[32:00] Because your monkey mind is going to be
[32:01] back in the office or in front of your
[32:03] laptop or wherever it is. This is how
[32:04] you're wired, I get it. Josef Pieper,
[32:07] the German philosopher, said that you
[32:08] should engage your leisure your leisure,
[32:11] which is defined as generative positive
[32:15] activity for which they don't pay you.
[32:17] That's leisure. Three kinds of things.
[32:19] Deepening yourself spiritually,
[32:21] deepening your relationships, and
[32:24] learning something deeply. That's the
[32:26] three things to do. And so, that's
[32:28] actually how to think about that, how to
[32:29] not go back with your monkey mind to the
[32:31] office is because you're dedicating
[32:32] yourself to something that's meaningful
[32:34] under these circumstances. And you need
[32:36] that kind of leisure. William Page
[32:38] writes in to the office hours email
[32:40] address. How would a person raised in a
[32:42] non-religious family choose a religion
[32:44] to begin your recommendation to start
[32:45] first practicing?
[32:47] That's good.
[32:48] That's good. I mean, it's funny because
[32:50] it almost sounds like, "Oh man, there's
[32:51] just so many choices out there." It's
[32:53] like going to the the supermarket and
[32:55] deciding what kind of breakfast cereal
[32:56] and and William, I know that's not what
[32:58] you mean, but you know, look, it's a
[32:59] it's a it's a huge world out there,
[33:01] right? The most important thing that
[33:02] you're telling me is that you want
[33:03] something, that you know there's
[33:05] something deeper and that you're looking
[33:06] for something.
[33:08] Here's the algorithm.
[33:09] Start by reading. Then start by
[33:10] observing. Like a front row seat.
[33:14] And then start by practicing a little.
[33:16] And only then start believing and last
[33:18] but not least maybe start feeling.
[33:20] That's the way to think about it. A lot
[33:21] of people when they're when they're
[33:22] looking for they know they need some
[33:24] sort of a faith or life philosophy at
[33:27] least or
[33:28] coherent spirituality they say, "Well, I
[33:30] got to I got to feel something." No, no,
[33:31] no, no, that's the wrong way to think
[33:33] about it.
[33:34] Feelings are just the activity of your
[33:35] limbic system.
[33:36] That's not how you should pursue your
[33:37] marriage either is by saying, "I got to
[33:39] feel it all the time." You're going to
[33:40] end up divorced. No, no. It's really all
[33:43] about finding something that you can
[33:44] practice every day, believe a lot and
[33:46] occasionally feel. That's your marriage
[33:48] and that's your the religion that you'll
[33:50] actually find if that's what you're in
[33:51] the market for.
[33:53] And the way to do that is by doing the
[33:54] work, is by learning, which is by
[33:56] reading and then observing because it's
[33:58] not not enough just to read, you have to
[33:59] observe and then actually experimenting
[34:01] with practice. From there belief will
[34:03] come and occasionally feeling as well.
[34:05] Good luck on your journey. Last but not
[34:07] least and I don't know how to pronounce
[34:09] this one. I'm sorry, Maciej Buzuk.
[34:12] Close enough. In your research and
[34:14] experience, what is the most important
[34:16] what is the most important for someone
[34:18] in a situation of high competence,
[34:20] genuine contribution, but a persistent
[34:22] inability to translate inner value into
[34:24] outer reward? Now, this sounds an awful
[34:26] lot
[34:27] like you've got an adolescent kid who is
[34:31] unbelievably smart. I'm just guessing
[34:32] here. Unbelievably smart, really, really
[34:35] creative, but not posting.
[34:38] Like in school and in life, not maybe
[34:40] launching as a young adult.
[34:42] And the answer to that is fundamentally
[34:45] to help that person, even if it's you,
[34:47] to find calling. And the way to find
[34:49] calling is the two questions of meaning.
[34:51] This is the meaning exam that I've
[34:52] talked about on the show before.
[34:54] Think deeply about this. Where do I need
[34:56] to go and what do I need to do to find
[34:58] the answers to the two questions, why am
[35:00] I alive and for what would I die?
[35:02] Why am I alive?
[35:03] And for what would I die?
[35:05] Maybe that's who created you, maybe it's
[35:07] what you're on earth to do.
[35:08] And most importantly, for what would you
[35:09] give your life? What are you going to
[35:10] do? Where are you going to go? What are
[35:12] you going to read? Who are you going to
[35:13] ask? What experiences are you going to
[35:15] have so you can find the answers to
[35:16] those two questions?
[35:17] When you do, what you will find is your
[35:20] calling. That's what you're supposed to
[35:22] be doing and that will solve the problem
[35:25] of high competence and low performance,
[35:28] virtually always. We're done.
[35:30] Um, let me know your thoughts at office
[35:31] hours at arthurbrooks.com. Like and
[35:33] subscribe on Spotify and Apple and
[35:35] YouTube and and leave a comment. We want
[35:38] to hear it. Negative, positive, we like
[35:39] it all. Follow me on Instagram,
[35:41] LinkedIn, the other platforms. There's
[35:42] all kinds of content over there that's
[35:44] in shorter form, but it will reward your
[35:46] scrolling as opposed to frittering away
[35:48] your time, I promise. Order the meaning
[35:49] of your life, my new book, to learn more
[35:51] about all the topics I'm talking about
[35:53] here. And and last but not least, um,
[35:55] happy Mother's Day. See you next week.