Transcript
[0:09] [music]
[0:18] >> Namaste. Welcome, friends.
[0:21] A number of years ago, the Gyuto Tibetan
[0:24] monks, and they're famous for
[0:26] their deep multi-vocal chanting, they
[0:29] came to perform at San Quentin Prison,
[0:32] uh where the San Quentin Gospel Choir
[0:35] would sing in response.
[0:38] And the cultural gap seemed enormous
[0:40] initially. And these African-American
[0:43] men, many large and muscular, and they
[0:45] had found Jesus during their years in
[0:47] prison, were meeting these small Tibetan
[0:51] monks in maroon robes.
[0:55] An organizer introduced the monks, and
[0:58] he explained that many had themselves
[1:01] spent years in prison, and they'd been
[1:02] tortured by Chinese authorities for
[1:05] their beliefs, and some had escaped by
[1:08] walking across the Himalayas with little
[1:11] more than rags on their feet. And now
[1:13] they lived in exile, and they were
[1:15] separated from their
[1:16] homes and their families. And what had
[1:19] sustained them through all of it were
[1:22] their prayers and songs.
[1:24] And in that instant, the men looked at
[1:27] each other differently. It was like
[1:29] across these
[1:30] vast differences of culture and
[1:32] religion, they recognized and sensed the
[1:36] shared vulnerability of human suffering
[1:39] and the longing for freedom.
[1:41] And so each group sang to the other from
[1:45] the heart. And when the music ended, the
[1:48] men came together and they embraced like
[1:51] long-lost brothers.
[1:56] I get touched by that because when we
[1:59] truly encounter what another has lived
[2:02] through, it's like
[2:04] those boundaries of ones in our circle
[2:07] and our heart can dissolve.
[2:10] Um, this is what's possible.
[2:13] And it takes courage, really, to let it
[2:16] in, to to widen the circle
[2:19] of who we include in our heart.
[2:22] And [clears throat] even when others
[2:23] don't feel like the enemy, maybe they
[2:26] just are different and you know,
[2:29] not as important to pay attention to,
[2:32] it's a challenge to deep tension.
[2:35] And for sure, when we've fixated on
[2:38] someone as being the enemy, it's really
[2:40] challenging to look deeply and to
[2:43] allow ourselves to register the
[2:45] suffering that shaped them. It goes
[2:48] against the current of our times.
[2:50] We're in currents that really reinforce
[2:53] having an enemy out there and distrust
[2:55] and hatred and fear.
[2:58] Yet, for the sake of our world, we need
[3:01] to widen the circles, to choose love
[3:06] and over [clears throat]
[3:07] Um, I'm doing a year long on this in
[3:10] 2027 on the
[3:12] Bodhisattva path and you can find more
[3:14] on my homepage. I'd love to have you
[3:16] with me. And for right now, I'm hoping
[3:20] that this talk, which is a second in a
[3:22] series on cultivating a courageous
[3:25] heart, will really nourish your own
[3:29] heart and spirit.
[3:31] Thank you.
[3:36] Tonight's talk is part two of um,
[3:40] two-part series on how we cultivate
[3:45] a courageous heart, how we cultivate
[3:47] compassion
[3:49] in the midst of traumatizing times, uh,
[3:53] conflictual times.
[3:56] A few days ago I was
[3:58] reading the news and then I went out for
[4:01] a hike by the river and stopped and just
[4:04] kind of meditated in this overlook and I
[4:06] could see below me the trail along the
[4:09] river and see people, little people and
[4:13] and even smaller dogs and
[4:16] there were
[4:17] uh geese [clears throat] flying overhead
[4:19] and
[4:20] um
[4:21] yeah, I could see the curve of the river
[4:23] from where I was standing,
[4:26] the rocks,
[4:28] and it helped give my heart some more
[4:30] space, some more perspective. And I was
[4:34] reminded of the overview effect which
[4:36] many of you I know have heard of with
[4:39] astronauts uh viewing
[4:42] Earth from space. And as one described
[4:45] it, and you might just for a moment, and
[4:47] if it helps, close your eyes, just
[4:49] imagine what it'd be like to look
[4:52] through the window of a spaceship
[4:56] and see that vast space of blackness out
[5:00] there and then seeing firsthand the
[5:03] reality of the Earth in space.
[5:07] And as one astronaut described it,
[5:10] uh he said it's immediately understood
[5:13] to be a tiny, fragile ball of life
[5:16] hanging in the void, shielded and
[5:18] nourished by a paper-thin atmosphere.
[5:22] From space, national boundaries vanish.
[5:25] The conflicts that divide people become
[5:27] less important
[5:29] and the need to create a planetary
[5:31] society with a united will to protect
[5:34] this pale, blue dot becomes both obvious
[5:38] and imperative.
[5:40] So these are the words of Michael
[5:42] Collins and he adds this. He says, "The
[5:45] thing that really surprised me was that
[5:48] the earth projected an air of fragility.
[5:51] And why I don't know. I don't know to
[5:53] this day. I had a feeling it's tiny,
[5:56] it's shiny, it's beautiful, it's home,
[6:00] and it's fragile.
[6:07] I know for me there's something about
[6:08] when I really take that in, um,
[6:12] you know, I can feel a real tenderness
[6:14] in my heart.
[6:15] Um, it really helps to step away from
[6:18] the intensity and
[6:20] remember the far reaches of of time, of
[6:24] space, this
[6:26] mystery and beauty of this natural
[6:28] world,
[6:30] and really the big picture beyond our
[6:31] changing governments and ideologies and
[6:34] divisions,
[6:35] and just come back to this preciousness
[6:39] of what's here. We know what most
[6:41] matters.
[6:43] This cherishing of life.
[6:46] So, with this as our kind of background,
[6:49] we'll
[6:50] re-enter the question that I shared with
[6:53] you last week, um,
[6:55] that so many have asked me. And it's
[6:58] really how do we deal with the hatred
[7:01] and the anger that's tearing apart our
[7:04] societies,
[7:06] and really how do we deal with our own
[7:08] judgment and anger that comes in
[7:10] reaction. And it comes in reaction to
[7:12] our society, and might come in reaction
[7:15] in our personal relationships when we
[7:19] encounter what we feel is ignorance, or
[7:21] we encounter harmful behaviors or
[7:23] thoughts.
[7:26] These weeks,
[7:29] and I'm just feeling this week right now
[7:31] so poignant, honoring Martin Luther
[7:34] King,
[7:35] and at the same time witnessing this
[7:38] continuation really of the Civil War in
[7:40] the United States with white
[7:43] supremacists attacking
[7:46] in a violent coup the capital and with
[7:48] violence that's actually sanctioned by a
[7:50] small but growing group around the
[7:52] country.
[7:55] So, how do we hold this? How do we
[7:57] relate to this? How do we respond to
[7:59] this? And
[8:00] again, I want to frame even more
[8:02] broadly, how do we respond to those in
[8:05] our personal life also
[8:07] who we experience as harmful in words
[8:10] and actions.
[8:14] So, for starters,
[8:16] naturally, if someone threatens our
[8:18] well-being or the well-being of others,
[8:21] we need to do whatever's necessary to
[8:24] protect ourselves and others from harm.
[8:27] And when there's violation to hold
[8:29] perpetrators accountable.
[8:32] Um in our personal life, it might take
[8:33] the shape of creating whatever
[8:35] boundaries are necessary.
[8:37] And I name this cuz often when we talk
[8:39] about compassion, the question is,
[8:42] "Yeah, but if somebody's harmful,
[8:44] shouldn't I be creating boundaries?" And
[8:45] yeah, the first thing is do what we need
[8:48] to do to be safe.
[8:50] But
[8:51] if that's all we do,
[8:53] you know, if all we do
[8:56] individually or as a society is to
[8:59] act protectively or aggressively,
[9:02] there's no relational repair.
[9:06] There's no awakening. Our hearts will
[9:08] continue to be armored.
[9:11] Um I know when I think of it societally,
[9:14] you know, we may be able to drive some
[9:16] of the expressions of current violence
[9:18] underground,
[9:21] but the civil war
[9:23] will keep playing out until we address
[9:28] really the core fear
[9:30] and grasping that that fuels our caste
[9:33] system.
[9:34] There's no repair unless we address
[9:36] that, unless we address the fears and
[9:39] grasping that keep patriarchy and white
[9:41] supremacy and toxic othering going.
[9:45] So, let's explore this together, how we
[9:48] each can be part of a movement towards
[9:50] healing and awakening in our personal
[9:53] relationships, and we have to do it
[9:54] there. It's like we cannot heal our
[9:57] society if we don't face what goes on in
[10:01] the way we distance and sustain distance
[10:05] with others close in.
[10:07] Um how do we do that? And there's a few
[10:10] main themes I want to name from last
[10:13] week to carry forward and hopefully
[10:16] deepen.
[10:18] And the first is that when we react with
[10:21] anger to others who we feel are causing
[10:24] harm, that is an entirely natural and
[10:28] intelligent response. It's necessary.
[10:32] Anger is necessary. It energizes us to
[10:36] protect.
[10:38] And I've often quoted Ruth King in
[10:42] saying that anger is initiatory. It's
[10:45] necessary,
[10:46] but it's not transformative.
[10:51] Martin Luther King dedicated his whole
[10:54] life to
[10:55] a path of transformation.
[10:58] And the core teaching
[11:00] that I shared last week, and I want to
[11:02] say again, and you can find this in
[11:05] so many uh
[11:08] spiritual and religious teachings,
[11:11] hate cannot drive out hate.
[11:15] Only love can do that.
[11:19] Hate cannot drive out hate.
[11:21] Only love can do that.
[11:24] So, our our path is one of cultivating
[11:28] that love, cultivating that compassion,
[11:31] so that we can act and live from a wise
[11:33] heart.
[11:35] But it's important to know that that
[11:37] doesn't mean bypassing the anger that
[11:39] comes up. In fact, the starting place
[11:43] on this path of compassion
[11:45] is honestly
[11:47] bringing our attention to what's right
[11:49] here and holding that with compassion.
[11:52] We start with what's right now coming up
[11:55] in us. That's the only way we end up
[11:58] cultivating an honest, real, and full
[12:01] compassion that we can extend to others.
[12:05] So
[12:06] compassion is a natural capacity. We all
[12:09] have the wiring for it.
[12:11] But it takes training for us to awaken
[12:15] it fully.
[12:17] And that training
[12:19] to me
[12:20] is more important than anything else we
[12:23] can do to help our planet.
[12:27] Okay, let's let's pause here. I'd like
[12:29] to invite you into a a brief reflection,
[12:32] if you will. And for many people it
[12:35] helps to
[12:36] close your eyes
[12:39] or have your gaze downcast.
[12:44] Take a few breaths.
[12:53] And bring to mind someone who's close in
[12:56] relatively to you, someone you care
[12:59] about who's having a hard time.
[13:02] Someone who's suffering in some way.
[13:08] And notice
[13:10] the particulars, what you're aware of
[13:12] about their suffering.
[13:19] And as you notice, just sense how your
[13:20] heart responds.
[13:43] >> When you bring this person to mind, do
[13:45] you feel compassion?
[13:48] And if so, what's it like?
[13:54] There are some
[13:55] descriptions of compassion as
[13:58] the heart quivering in the face of
[14:01] suffering.
[14:03] As a felt sense of tenderness
[14:06] in the heart.
[14:13] As an
[14:14] feeling of care and a wanting to relieve
[14:18] the other suffering.
[14:21] Just notice what do you feel?
[14:24] And if you don't feel
[14:26] compassion
[14:28] the way we're exploring it together
[14:30] just sense what right now is between me
[14:33] and really feeling a full bloom of
[14:36] compassion.
[14:40] What's stopping me?
[14:54] And you might scan your life and sense
[14:56] how often do I feel
[14:59] embodied compassion, full compassion.
[15:05] And please, if you feel any
[15:08] judgement as you do this reflection, to
[15:10] hold that with kindness.
[15:13] This is really just to look and see
[15:15] what's true.
[15:19] If you'd like to open your eyes, please
[15:20] do.
[15:23] So, when I
[15:24] am working with live groups and I ask
[15:27] people to share what they experience
[15:30] with this kind of reflection, you know,
[15:32] what is between me and really feeling
[15:34] full compassion, some people will say,
[15:37] "Well,
[15:39] I had I felt,
[15:40] you know, an abstract kind of
[15:42] compassion, but I didn't really feel it
[15:44] in my body. It was more
[15:46] an idea of compassion."
[15:48] And some people will say, "Well, what
[15:49] stopped me was I was just distracted. I
[15:52] could I didn't really attend deeply to
[15:54] that person."
[15:56] And some people say, "Well, what stopped
[15:58] me
[15:59] was actually I felt some judgment of the
[16:01] way that person was dealing with their
[16:02] problems." You know, there's there's a
[16:04] lot of different ways we stop ourselves.
[16:07] Those are some of the
[16:09] prime ways.
[16:12] But if we're honest,
[16:14] and I'll speak for myself when I'm
[16:16] honest, often compassion is mental. It's
[16:19] the idea, "Oh, I'm so sorry that's
[16:21] happening for that person."
[16:24] But tenderness in the body is not really
[16:26] engaged.
[16:28] And what many people feel when there is
[16:31] some compassion is a tone of pity, that
[16:33] in some way we're a part and superior to
[16:36] that person who's suffering. So, it
[16:38] dilutes a sense of here we are together
[16:41] feeling with.
[16:44] I love this quote from Pema Chödrön. She
[16:47] says, "Compassion is not a relationship
[16:50] between the healer and the wounded.
[16:53] It's a relationship between equals.
[16:57] Only when we know our own darkness well,
[17:00] can we be present with the darkness of
[17:02] others.
[17:04] Compassion becomes real when we
[17:05] recognize our shared humanity."
[17:13] So, when we let that in, what we get is
[17:16] that
[17:17] compassion will be mental or one step
[17:20] removed or not even there at all because
[17:24] we avoid our own darkness.
[17:27] We avoid the vulnerability or rawness in
[17:30] our feel in our body and that's actually
[17:33] our portal
[17:35] to feeling our shared humanity.
[17:39] You know, in much of our society
[17:41] uh vulnerability has a really bad rap.
[17:45] You know, there's there's a cartoon I
[17:47] saw years ago of two
[17:49] sheep and they're gossiping about a
[17:51] third sheep and uh who's off in the
[17:54] distance.
[17:55] And one is saying to the other, you
[17:56] know, every time he comes home from
[17:58] being shorn, we have to spend hours
[18:01] talking about how vulnerable he feels.
[18:05] And it's really it's cute and we get it
[18:08] that it's really very much a part of
[18:11] really patriarchal society not to feel
[18:15] vulnerable or not to show it as if if we
[18:19] acknowledge vulnerability in some way it
[18:21] means that we're weak and we're
[18:24] deficient.
[18:26] This is kind of captured in this little
[18:27] story. A Spanish captain's walking on
[18:30] his enemy ship when a sol- soldier
[18:32] rushes to him and exclaims an enemy ship
[18:36] is approaching us.
[18:37] And
[18:39] captain replies calmly, go get my red
[18:41] shirt.
[18:43] The soldier gets the shirt for the
[18:45] captain. The enemy ship comes in
[18:48] and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged.
[18:51] Finally, the Spaniards win.
[18:53] The soldier asks, "Congrats, sir, but
[18:55] why the red shirt?" And the captain
[18:57] replies, "If I got injured, my blood
[19:00] shouldn't be seen as I didn't want my
[19:02] men to lose hope."
[19:05] Just then another soldier runs up and
[19:07] says, "Sir, we just spotted another 20
[19:10] enemy ships."
[19:11] The captain calmly replies,
[19:14] "Go bring my yellow pants."
[19:19] So, okay, so it's not the best joke, but
[19:22] I share it because
[19:24] true courage
[19:26] is not
[19:28] from overriding fear or pretending.
[19:32] It's rooted in honest contact with our
[19:35] vulnerability.
[19:38] You know, I was listening uh
[19:40] a while back to Krista Tippett, who I
[19:43] love, and she described uh one man that
[19:47] she had been in touch with,
[19:49] probably interviewed with, Matthew
[19:50] Sanford,
[19:52] and he was paralyzed from the waist down
[19:54] from a accident that he had when he was
[19:56] 13 that killed his father and his
[19:59] sister.
[20:01] As an adult, he's been just an
[20:02] outstanding being, doing really amazing
[20:05] work with veterans and others with
[20:07] disabilities.
[20:09] And here's what Matthew says.
[20:12] He says,
[20:13] "He's yet to I've yet to experience
[20:16] someone who became more aware of their
[20:18] body in all its frailty and grace
[20:23] without at the same time becoming more
[20:26] compassionate towards all of life."
[20:32] This path of compassion asks for us
[20:36] to be opening and contacting the life of
[20:39] our body, including the vulnerability,
[20:41] the places where we
[20:43] can feel that we're not defended, that
[20:45] we're directly contacting the reality
[20:48] that life's uncertain
[20:51] and we're at risk of pain and loss.
[20:54] That we have to be willing to contact
[20:56] that.
[20:57] And what we find, and this is a gift,
[21:02] it's through opening to our
[21:03] vulnerability that we actually discover
[21:06] true courage.
[21:09] It's through opening to vulnerability
[21:11] that we discover true courage and a
[21:13] tender heart.
[21:15] This is sometimes called fierce
[21:17] compassion and I love that
[21:20] the language of fierce compassion
[21:21] because we discover true courage, which
[21:24] is a kind of strength, an empowerment, a
[21:26] fearlessness,
[21:28] and with that a tenderness
[21:31] that can really be with our world.
[21:35] I want to remind you of a a really
[21:37] valuable analogy for this fierce
[21:39] compassion or mature compassion
[21:42] that I first heard from Roshi Joan
[21:45] Halifax.
[21:46] And it's having a strong back, which
[21:49] means we're resource, safe, connected,
[21:53] and a soft front
[21:54] so that we can meet what arises with
[21:57] care.
[21:59] There is a
[22:02] very well-known statue of the Buddha
[22:05] that expresses
[22:08] these two qualities of fierce
[22:10] compassion.
[22:12] Uh the strong back and a soft front. And
[22:15] I first heard about this from a friend,
[22:17] uh author Elizabeth Lesser.
[22:21] And in the statue and you you might even
[22:24] try it out right now. The Buddha's left
[22:27] palm is resting on his knee and it's
[22:30] open. It's cupped.
[22:32] And that's the symbol of the soft front,
[22:35] the the compassion, the generosity,
[22:37] holding the world with care, not doing
[22:39] harm.
[22:41] His right palm
[22:44] is facing forward as it's the arm's
[22:46] crooked, so it's a level of a shoulder.
[22:48] And this mudra, which is a hand a
[22:50] meaningful symbolic hand position,
[22:54] it symbolizes protection and peace
[22:57] and true safe refuge. It's the
[23:00] dispelling of fear.
[23:02] So,
[23:03] this is called the mudra of fearlessness
[23:06] and he made this mudra upon gaining
[23:10] enlightenment and basically
[23:12] communicating that no matter what occurs
[23:15] in our life, no matter the currents of
[23:18] confusion or anger or fear, we can rest
[23:22] in this fearless spirit.
[23:24] So, that's the dignity and power of the
[23:27] strong back.
[23:30] So, again, together it's the you can
[23:31] sense the masculine and the feminine of
[23:34] the strength of the strong back and the
[23:36] tenderness of the soft front.
[23:39] Fierce compassion.
[23:42] So, when I keep coming back to this as
[23:44] we practice together, working with what
[23:47] comes up in us so that we can be on that
[23:50] transformational path
[23:53] that Martin Luther King
[23:54] really
[23:56] put forward. Hate
[23:58] never ends with hate. Only by love is
[24:02] hatred dispelled.
[24:06] I'd like to
[24:08] now share two examples
[24:12] of really awakening that fierce
[24:14] compassion
[24:15] and then we'll practice together and as
[24:19] you'll see in both examples, it has to
[24:21] begin
[24:23] by what I call the U-turn where when
[24:25] we're triggered, we come back to our own
[24:27] vulnerability and bring presence to
[24:29] that.
[24:31] Both of these examples came from last
[24:34] Saturday's satsang, which as I've shared
[24:37] with you is I do most Saturdays where we
[24:40] come together and meditate and
[24:43] then people explore questions that are
[24:45] important to them. This is open to all
[24:48] of you.
[24:49] So, in the first one,
[24:51] the woman
[24:52] that was asking the question
[24:57] described how her mother had struggled
[24:59] with alcoholism and now her sister's
[25:01] having the same struggle.
[25:03] And she herself had had, you know,
[25:06] had a struggle but had found her way to
[25:10] really not getting caught in the
[25:13] addiction.
[25:16] So, her response to her sister's
[25:18] struggle is one of anger and judgement.
[25:22] And she she her question is I feel like
[25:24] as a sister I should be able to show up
[25:26] for her, to talk to her, to support her,
[25:29] but spending time with her is really
[25:31] triggering, it's traumatizing.
[25:33] And you know, she feels like her sister
[25:36] is really unwilling to help herself. So,
[25:38] when they're together, she she gets
[25:42] really activated and gets reminded of
[25:44] the past.
[25:46] But
[25:47] I should be compassionate. I should be
[25:49] helping. So, that was her her stuck
[25:51] place.
[25:53] So, we did that U-turn and I invited her
[25:56] to get in touch with the anger and
[25:57] judgement she felt and she did and I
[26:01] said, you know, what else are you aware
[26:03] of as you really let that anger be there
[26:06] because I want to remind you that always
[26:09] to honor whatever's here, to let it be
[26:11] there.
[26:13] You'll find that if we open to what's
[26:15] here, it'll unlayer itself when we
[26:17] really open in an embodied way.
[26:20] So, that's what she was doing and she
[26:21] found under the anger a sense of
[26:23] powerlessness.
[26:25] I can't control this. I can't make her
[26:28] different, you know, powerlessness.
[26:31] And as she opened to that and really
[26:33] brought nurturing because that's what
[26:35] self-compassion is, feeling the
[26:37] powerlessness and
[26:38] bringing her care to it, you know,
[26:40] accepting it.
[26:42] Letting it be there.
[26:44] And really holding a space for it.
[26:47] Um what opened up was a deep sadness and
[26:50] grieving.
[26:52] That sense of I love my sister.
[26:55] So, before
[26:57] going back to spend time with her
[26:59] sister,
[27:00] what she most needed was that strong
[27:03] back where she said, "I can't control
[27:05] this." And just to feel this is reality.
[27:08] You know, it's really that that sense of
[27:10] that she'd nurtured herself and felt her
[27:12] sense of connection with her inner life.
[27:15] And then that soft front of and I love
[27:17] her. And I love her.
[27:20] The
[27:21] just
[27:22] to share with you, this just happened
[27:24] last Saturday. And the guidance for her
[27:29] and for all of us is
[27:31] not to engage, to have a boundary until
[27:34] we have some sense of being resourced
[27:36] and feeling that strong back and soft
[27:39] front that need to go together for there
[27:41] to be mature compassion.
[27:44] >> [snorts]
[27:45] >> Okay, let me give you the uh second
[27:47] example of this.
[27:49] Again, from last Saturday, a woman of
[27:51] color described how she felt really
[27:54] blocked in her compassion towards white
[27:56] people. And her partner, who's a white
[27:59] woman, Jewish
[28:01] woman, uh
[28:03] had been very upset about the focus
[28:06] every year happens of the holidays on on
[28:08] Christmas.
[28:10] And and and for this woman, she just
[28:12] felt triggered by that. And she offered
[28:14] other examples of ways that white people
[28:17] feel burdened. And you know, there's
[28:19] many ways that white people have felt
[28:22] oppressed or have suffering. And she
[28:24] knows everybody suffers. And yet,
[28:27] there's some part of her that just feels
[28:29] intolerant and lacks compassion. Like,
[28:31] "Get over it." is kind of the response.
[28:34] So, it's aversive. Because in some deep
[28:37] way, she just feels this sense of it's
[28:40] qualitatively different for me being
[28:43] black
[28:44] and gay and a woman, it's different.
[28:48] It's more.
[28:50] So, there she was with her inner
[28:52] conflict of, you know, I should be
[28:55] compassionate and yet I feel aversion.
[28:59] Well,
[29:01] as we kind of held that together,
[29:04] I then I shared um
[29:06] what I had just recently heard, an
[29:08] interview with uh Nikki Giovanni, who
[29:11] some of you may be aware of as a black
[29:13] poet and teacher,
[29:15] amazing poet.
[29:17] Well, Nikki Giovanni had an did an
[29:20] interview with James Baldwin in 1973.
[29:24] And I want to
[29:26] read you something she said in that
[29:27] interview.
[29:29] She said, "One of the nicest things we
[29:32] created as a generation
[29:35] was just the fact that we could say,
[29:38] 'Hey, I don't like white people.'"
[29:42] And then that was the beginning, of
[29:43] course, of being able to like them.
[29:49] To me, that is such a
[29:52] powerful and helpful
[29:54] naming
[29:56] of what happens. Is that
[29:58] as she put it this way, she says, "You
[30:00] have to get it out, then something else
[30:02] can come back in."
[30:05] And for this woman, naming the
[30:08] experience of judging, disliking white
[30:11] people, of feeling a hardness against
[30:13] white people, not making that wrong.
[30:17] Just being aware and accepting the
[30:18] naturalness of feeling aversion.
[30:22] Feeling kindness towards her own
[30:24] reactivity.
[30:26] That's the beginning of building a
[30:28] strong back, being honest with what's
[30:30] here,
[30:31] being compassion towards what's here.
[30:33] And then
[30:34] we naturally become more spacious, more
[30:37] tender. We start having room for others.
[30:41] The point is that we don't get to
[30:43] compassion
[30:45] if we push away the feelings we think we
[30:47] shouldn't feel.
[30:49] We need to be truthful with ourselves.
[30:52] That's what develops the courage, the
[30:54] strong back.
[30:56] Being truthful with ourselves, truthful
[30:58] about our feelings of jealousy, truthful
[31:00] about our own hatred, about our own
[31:03] shame, about our own anger.
[31:05] And when we can hold that with
[31:07] compassion, there's a strength, there
[31:10] are fearlessness that arises
[31:12] and a tenderness that has room for
[31:15] others.
[31:16] Then we're like that Buddha
[31:18] where we've been in touch with truth and
[31:20] so wrong hand, we have that fearless
[31:23] spirit and my hands cupped, we have that
[31:27] tender heart.
[31:30] Okay, so now let's look at how with
[31:33] that fierce compassion, we can begin to
[31:36] widen the circles.
[31:39] And it's so important that we can do
[31:41] that for for healing relationships and
[31:43] healing our society.
[31:45] And it may be very immediately widening
[31:48] the circle, learning how we can open our
[31:51] hearts to
[31:52] a self-destructive family member,
[31:55] somebody who's being violent to
[31:56] themselves and we disapprove because of
[31:59] the way they're dealing with their own
[32:01] troubles.
[32:02] Or maybe it's opening our hearts
[32:05] to those whose beliefs and actions we
[32:08] feel are harmful.
[32:10] Okay, so we'll just look at that kind of
[32:13] genre.
[32:14] And again
[32:16] just as we process our own experience,
[32:19] let's say we're feeling anger and we let
[32:21] it be there and we feel into the
[32:24] vulnerability underneath it and we bring
[32:26] compassion.
[32:28] Just as we do that with our inner life,
[32:31] we need to
[32:32] learn the same process in bearing
[32:34] witness to another.
[32:36] So we can start seeing past the mask of
[32:39] their ego defenses and aggressions
[32:43] and into it their vulnerability.
[32:44] [snorts]
[32:46] Into it what's driving them.
[32:51] I've always been inspired
[32:54] uh well, as soon as I heard about her by
[32:56] Ruby Sales, civil rights activist icon.
[33:01] Uh
[33:03] very wise woman. And one of the phrases
[33:07] that's been such a takeaway
[33:09] has been when she views people perhaps
[33:12] causing harm to themselves or others,
[33:15] just asking that question, "Where does
[33:18] it hurt?"
[33:20] "Where does it hurt?"
[33:23] It's like saying, "What's it like being
[33:24] you?"
[33:26] You know, underneath that hatred or
[33:28] anger or violence,
[33:31] "What's going on?"
[33:32] Cuz there's hurt under there.
[33:35] And then letting ourselves as we bear
[33:37] witness to that be touched by that
[33:39] vulnerability.
[33:41] And offer our care. That's the
[33:43] components of compassion.
[33:47] Now, a reminder, just a
[33:49] pause to remind you of this that
[33:53] like
[33:54] weight training, you know, if you're
[33:56] just starting compassion training, you
[33:58] know, widening the circles and opening
[34:00] our hearts to other, don't don't try to
[34:03] bench press 350, you know, start
[34:05] [snorts]
[34:06] In other words, don't start with a
[34:08] person that triggers the most trauma.
[34:11] Uh we you have to develop that strong
[34:14] back and soft front, and you do it by
[34:17] training with easier lifts.
[34:19] Um you know, with where there's maybe
[34:21] judgment or irritation or hurt, but not
[34:24] full-blown hatred and trauma.
[34:27] And in general,
[34:29] uh
[34:30] you need to go more slowly, more
[34:31] carefully if you have been traumatized.
[34:35] Um if we've been traumatized, we need
[34:36] more protection.
[34:38] And it has to be a gentle entry into the
[34:40] vulnerability inside us, and then to
[34:43] look towards others.
[34:45] Um
[34:46] And another reminder is anytime you're
[34:48] exploring widening the circles and
[34:50] bringing compassion to another person,
[34:53] let's say you feel like you've developed
[34:55] that strong back and soft front, but
[34:57] then you start
[34:59] opening to another person and feeling
[35:00] reactivity, just come right back to
[35:03] what's going on inside you.
[35:06] It takes a lot of
[35:08] opening, but then having to return to
[35:09] ourselves in our own vulnerability until
[35:12] we're really in the fullness of that
[35:15] fierce compassion.
[35:18] And if we don't come back to our own
[35:20] experience,
[35:21] we're actually doing a spiritual bypass.
[35:25] If we don't really come back to where
[35:27] there's still judgment or still hurt, or
[35:30] still fear,
[35:32] we can't have a full compassion. So,
[35:35] really for the sake of of truly freeing
[35:38] your heart, come back.
[35:41] So, we're going to practice together
[35:43] now, and we'll practice by widening the
[35:46] circles to someone who's easier in your
[35:49] life, and then we'll stretch it a little
[35:51] to someone who's more difficult.
[35:55] So, I invite you, wherever you are, to
[35:57] find a a posture
[36:00] that allows you to be relaxed and awake.
[36:09] Letting the attention go inward,
[36:12] and take some moments to let go of any
[36:15] habitual tension.
[36:18] Allowing your body and your mind to
[36:20] settle some.
[36:43] >> Take us some moments to scan through
[36:45] family members or friends who are close
[36:47] to you and choose someone
[36:50] uh
[36:51] who is having a hard time.
[36:58] And not someone where you have a real
[37:00] reaction to.
[37:03] Someone who's having a hard time
[37:05] and it's easy to feel caring for.
[37:11] And just connect with your intention to
[37:12] awaken compassion towards this person.
[37:38] Now we'll follow the acronym rain of
[37:41] compassion.
[37:44] The R of rain is recognize. Become aware
[37:47] of whatever is most predominant about
[37:49] this person as you reflect on their
[37:51] current challenges.
[37:55] As you did earlier, just remember what's
[37:58] going on.
[38:00] The mood they're frequently in, the way
[38:02] they appear.
[38:04] Maybe the tone of voice in a recent
[38:06] communication.
[38:09] Whatever
[38:10] lets you know this person's having a
[38:12] hard time.
[38:36] >> And the A of rain is allow. Just allow
[38:39] whatever you're noticing
[38:42] to be there.
[38:48] Not adding any judgement.
[38:53] Not adding any interpretations.
[39:02] And now begin to investigate. This is
[39:05] really critical part of the training to
[39:09] bring curiosity, to bring interest, to
[39:12] attend more closely to what's actually
[39:15] life-like for this person. So your
[39:17] inquiry is really what's it like being
[39:20] you?
[39:21] Where does it hurt?
[39:23] You might imagine living inside them and
[39:26] feeling with their heart and viewing the
[39:28] world from their perspective.
[39:32] And some people find it helpful to let
[39:34] their posture and face kind of express
[39:37] what you're sensing about this person.
[39:43] I'm going to ask some questions and you
[39:45] might imagine you're this person
[39:47] and how you'd respond.
[39:51] So what life circumstances are most
[39:53] distressing to you right now?
[40:07] What are the particular fears or
[40:10] disappointments or hurts you're
[40:11] carrying?
[40:24] >> And what are you believing about
[40:26] yourself, your life?
[40:29] Again, you're you're the person that's
[40:31] hurting. You're imagining from their
[40:33] perspective.
[40:46] How does this suffering feel in your
[40:49] body?
[40:51] When you're believing whatever you're
[40:52] believing, how does the fear, hurt,
[40:55] shame, anger, how does it feel in your
[40:57] heart and your body?
[41:00] Where do you feel most vulnerable?
[41:08] You might sense what's the most
[41:09] vulnerable feeling
[41:11] this person's living with.
[41:19] And you might sense from that vulnerable
[41:21] place what's most wanted or needed right
[41:25] now from others,
[41:28] from yourself.
[41:31] So, you're sensing what does this person
[41:33] most need?
[41:39] And we move to the end of rain
[41:40] nurturing. So, you're keeping this
[41:42] person in their vulnerability in your
[41:44] heart and your awareness, but expand
[41:47] your awareness and come back to your
[41:49] whole body and the sounds and space
[41:51] around you.
[41:54] And from that wholeness,
[41:56] really feeling your awake heart,
[42:00] sensing this being as part of you,
[42:05] and offer what's needed.
[42:08] You might imagine that you
[42:10] putting your hand on person's heart or
[42:13] holding them.
[42:15] Feeling them inside you.
[42:17] Offering is it acceptance this person
[42:19] needs?
[42:21] Company?
[42:24] Being held?
[42:26] Forgiveness?
[42:28] Understanding?
[42:34] Take a few moments to imagine offering
[42:36] what's needed, perhaps a message of
[42:38] care.
[42:52] And you can deepen the nurturing.
[42:56] And this is called tonglen.
[42:59] Taking in and sending out. It's a
[43:02] Tibetan compassion practice. If you
[43:04] breathe in and let yourself feel their
[43:06] vulnerability inside you.
[43:09] Taking it in.
[43:11] And as you breathe out, offer the space
[43:13] and care and whatever's needed.
[43:18] Breathing in, contacting this being's
[43:21] vulnerability.
[43:24] And breathing out. Offering space, care,
[43:28] or whatever's needed.
[43:56] Letting go of all doing, just sense the
[43:58] quality now of heart space that's here.
[44:01] Perhaps like that Buddha statue, sensing
[44:05] the strong
[44:08] fearless spirit
[44:10] strong back and that wide open heart.
[44:17] You can bring that fearless compassion.
[44:21] Now, as we explore
[44:24] someone who matters to you, but it's
[44:26] harder to feel compassion.
[44:29] Perhaps you feel blocked by judgement.
[44:31] anger
[44:33] Again, I invite you not to choose a
[44:36] person where there's deep wounding and
[44:38] trauma.
[44:44] Choosing someone in your life
[44:46] and when you do, connecting with your
[44:49] intention
[44:50] to awaken
[44:52] fierce compassion, authentic compassion
[44:56] towards this person.
[45:07] Bringing the person to mind and becoming
[45:09] aware of
[45:12] what's going on for them.
[45:19] Becoming aware of their life, the way
[45:21] they're acting, and become aware of what
[45:24] triggers you about this person.
[45:27] Might be a recent situation, the way
[45:29] they spoke or acted or appeared.
[45:40] Whatever triggers you, let it be
[45:42] immediate so you can feel what comes up.
[45:45] What really blocks compassion?
[45:48] The R of rain is just to recognize what
[45:50] you're feeling, honestly.
[45:52] judgement, anger, aversion
[45:57] The A of rain is to allow it.
[45:59] Let it be there.
[46:01] You might even say this belongs.
[46:11] Now you can begin to investigate with
[46:14] interest what's going on inside you.
[46:17] Maybe what you're believing
[46:19] about this person, that they're maybe
[46:22] causing harm to themselves or to others
[46:24] or to you.
[46:27] They don't care.
[46:29] Whatever the worst part is for you.
[46:34] That blocks you from compassion. Just
[46:36] be aware of what you're believing
[46:38] about them.
[46:49] And also be aware of how that feels in
[46:51] your body, how your reaction, the anger,
[46:54] fear, the hurt lives in your body.
[47:04] And even deepening the investigation to
[47:06] sense what's the most vulnerable part of
[47:08] this.
[47:10] What am I most unwilling to feel?
[47:15] Is it fear?
[47:17] Hurt?
[47:18] Powerlessness?
[47:24] With honesty and courage, just letting
[47:26] yourself feel what's here. You might put
[47:27] your hand on your heart to keep company
[47:30] with what's here, what's really
[47:32] underneath the armoring.
[47:39] And you can
[47:40] deepen this into nurturing. Just keep in
[47:43] touch with that vulnerability, but call
[47:45] in your most loving and wise heart.
[47:50] And offer whatever will most comfort and
[47:52] heal
[47:54] this vulnerable place in this moment.
[47:57] Let your touch be tender on your heart.
[48:01] You might send the words or message that
[48:03] can help.
[48:05] Words of acceptance.
[48:08] Acceptance I can't control. I can't
[48:10] control them.
[48:13] Or maybe a deep and tenderness towards
[48:15] yourself. Trust that you're loved.
[48:18] Trust your goodness.
[48:22] Or maybe some truth that everybody's
[48:24] doing their best at least at this
[48:26] moment, the best they can.
[48:29] Or maybe you address the fear and say,
[48:31] "Thank you for trying to protect me, but
[48:33] I'm okay."
[48:37] Or maybe you tell yourself, "I'm with
[48:38] you. I'm not leaving."
[48:41] I can give you strength.
[48:48] And you might bring your breathing to
[48:49] this to breathe in and feel the
[48:51] vulnerability.
[48:54] Taking in, touching, and then breathing
[48:57] out and offering whatever space, love,
[49:01] reassurance
[49:04] will serve healing.
[49:33] Then you might sense the presence that's
[49:34] emerging, the shift from being a
[49:37] reactive self to more awake awareness.
[49:41] Perhaps you can sense a strong back, a
[49:43] more fearless spirit.
[49:46] That courage and that soft front where
[49:48] there's more tenderness.
[49:51] And if you feel ready,
[49:54] you might begin to explore widening
[49:56] compassion to this other person.
[49:59] If you don't feel ready, continue to
[50:01] bring a nurturing presence to your own
[50:03] experience.
[50:05] And if you start to open to the other
[50:07] and you get some reactivity come back to
[50:09] your own vulnerability.
[50:12] But if ready, you might bring this other
[50:14] person to mind.
[50:16] And sense the way they're behaving.
[50:25] And wonder, where does it hurt?
[50:30] Where do you imagine they feel most
[50:32] vulnerable, not okay?
[50:40] What hurts?
[50:42] Are there disappointments,
[50:44] self-doubt,
[50:46] loneliness,
[50:48] fear?
[50:52] No matter how misguided their beliefs,
[50:55] can you sense the fear
[50:57] that lives underneath them?
[51:02] How whatever you're judging about them,
[51:06] the way they're being arises from fear
[51:09] or hurt,
[51:11] mistrust, confusion.
[51:18] What is it that vulnerable place in them
[51:21] most wants or needs right now?
[51:27] You can begin to nurture if you feel
[51:29] ready or come back to your own
[51:31] vulnerability if not.
[51:34] If you're ready, keeping this person in
[51:36] their vulnerability in your heart,
[51:38] expanding your awareness, your whole
[51:40] body to the sounds and space around you.
[51:45] From that wholeness, offering that
[51:47] fierce compassion.
[51:49] That strong back and soft front, feeling
[51:53] that this being is part of you, that you
[51:56] can offer
[51:57] what's needed.
[51:59] Is it acceptance?
[52:01] Being held?
[52:03] Forgiveness?
[52:05] Love?
[52:08] You might imagine this person receiving
[52:11] and letting in your care.
[52:15] Perhaps it's a message.
[52:18] Perhaps you just imagine touching their
[52:20] cheek or their heart.
[52:24] And if it helps to support this with a
[52:25] breath, breathing in their
[52:27] vulnerability, taking in,
[52:30] and breathing out your care.
[52:34] Offering space and love
[52:37] and tenderness.
[53:02] And now you might widen the circles even
[53:05] further
[53:06] to imagine all of those
[53:09] who suffer in the same way as this
[53:11] person.
[53:12] Perhaps living in fear, mistrust,
[53:17] shame, self-doubt.
[53:24] And see if you can breathe for all these
[53:26] beings, just trusting the vastness of
[53:29] your heart that you can breathe in the
[53:30] suffering,
[53:33] and you can breathe out and offer to all
[53:35] beings
[53:37] the space,
[53:39] the care,
[53:40] the tenderness,
[53:43] the healing
[53:44] of your heart,
[53:46] of your heart space that's vast,
[53:51] that has room.
[54:17] And then, let go of all ideas of others.
[54:21] This is after the rain, after we do
[54:24] these steps of rain, and just notice the
[54:26] quality of heart and presence that's
[54:28] right here.
[54:31] Is there more openness,
[54:34] tenderness?
[54:37] Can you sense that
[54:40] power of a fearless spirit and a tender
[54:43] heart?
[54:45] Whatever you find, let go into what's
[54:48] here and just rest.
[55:07] If you'd like to keep your eyes closed,
[55:10] that's fine, or open your eyes if
[55:11] they've been shut.
[55:14] So, friends, we know that through human
[55:18] history, we've been in conflicts that
[55:20] cycle and cycle, both in personal ways
[55:23] and societal ways.
[55:25] And our survival brain, the anger and
[55:28] hatred often rules and locks in.
[55:31] And we live in a sustained way with
[55:34] enemies, with bad others.
[55:37] But we also know we have this capacity
[55:41] of compassion and we can grow it. We can
[55:44] more and more make bridges and
[55:46] collaborate and care and widening
[55:48] circles. And this is the hope.
[55:52] No matter how much conflict, this is the
[55:55] hope. And the pathway is
[55:58] courageous [snorts]
[55:59] that we come back to the truth of our
[56:01] own vulnerability,
[56:03] bring kindness there and then widen the
[56:06] circles, bringing that fierce
[56:08] compassion, that strong back and soft
[56:11] front uh to others in an empowering way.
[56:15] We start where it's easiest.
[56:18] And then we extend our self and extend
[56:21] our selves.
[56:22] We extend our selves to get closer in
[56:24] with those who are different from us. As
[56:27] we know, we stay in our bubbles of
[56:29] familiar people. So we widen cuz it's
[56:32] harder to hate when we're close in to
[56:35] others.
[56:36] So start getting close to those who are
[56:38] different. Get curious with a family or
[56:42] colleague, family member, colleague
[56:44] who's politically different, who who you
[56:46] basically like, but
[56:49] there's that hardening.
[56:52] And if you're reactive, and if you
[56:53] expect to be reactive, prepare in
[56:55] advance with this strong back and soft
[56:58] front.
[57:00] Honor what you can handle.
[57:02] If there's trauma, we're less able.
[57:06] So,
[57:07] we'll close with just a uh a few moments
[57:10] of quietness. We started
[57:13] really with that sense of our fragile
[57:15] Earth from space and
[57:18] we know as soon as we get more
[57:20] perspective, we can't see the divisions.
[57:22] There really is no such thing as a
[57:25] separate country or group of
[57:27] individuals. It's all
[57:30] infinitely interrelated, all of a piece.
[57:33] All belongs.
[57:35] And life is fragile.
[57:37] It's passing. It's precious. So,
[57:40] for the sake of our Earth, each other,
[57:43] our own hearts, may we practice, may we
[57:46] cultivate this fierce compassionate
[57:49] heart.
[57:50] So, again, just to sit quietly for a few
[57:53] moments, and I'll share a poem with you.
[58:06] Walk gently on this Earth with
[58:08] purposeful steps.
[58:11] You share this space with 7 billion
[58:13] human beings and countless other
[58:15] precious life forms.
[58:18] Just like you, they all want to be happy
[58:21] and safe.
[58:22] Just like you, they all need love.
[58:26] We're not going to survive unless we
[58:28] walk gently on this Earth together.
[58:32] Until we touch something in others that
[58:34] feels just like the shards of our own
[58:37] pain,
[58:38] the fluttering warmth of our own joy.
[58:42] Until [snorts] we sew their wounds into
[58:44] our hearts and seal it with our own
[58:47] skin.
[58:55] Thank you for your presence
[58:57] and your good hearts.
[58:59] All blessings.
