Transcript
[0:01] [music]
[0:07] [music]
[0:47] Good morning everybody and welcome to
[0:49] Beginner's Mind Temple. My name is
[0:51] Shindo.
[0:52] Um it's wonderful to be here on this
[0:54] beautiful San Francisco morning which is
[0:58] very warm and the whole building smells
[1:00] like it's amazing.
[1:02] Um so welcome everyone in the room.
[1:04] Welcome to everyone who's watching
[1:05] online and welcome to everyone who's
[1:07] watching the recording at some future
[1:09] time which makes this their present
[1:11] moment as well.
[1:14] Um so please who is here for the first
[1:15] time in the building?
[1:18] Oh goodness.
[1:19] So many of you. Well, welcome.
[1:22] Uh this is called Beginner's Mind Temple
[1:24] for a reason.
[1:25] So if you have no idea what's going on,
[1:27] that's just fine.
[1:29] And
[1:30] I just want to say you never know what's
[1:32] going to happen.
[1:33] So 27 years ago I happened to come to
[1:35] this building to meet someone by chance.
[1:39] And now look at me. Here I am sitting
[1:41] here.
[1:43] Um so I've just finished a process
[1:45] called Dharma transmission which some of
[1:47] you may know about and it's very
[1:48] traditional to give a talk uh right
[1:51] after that process is finished.
[1:53] I'm very grateful that it actually took
[1:55] 3 weeks to get me on the schedule
[1:56] because it meant that my knees have
[1:58] recovered a little bit from uh all the
[2:00] prostrations that I was doing.
[2:03] Um
[2:04] and
[2:06] you know, everyone who's been through
[2:07] this process has given a talk, and I
[2:08] encourage you to go to the Zen Center
[2:11] talk archive, which is one of the things
[2:13] I helped to maintain. Um and you can
[2:15] find uh talks given by people, including
[2:18] our central abbot. I had a look at that
[2:20] one the other day, remembering Darlene
[2:22] Cohen.
[2:24] Um and you can hear what people have to
[2:27] say about this particular process. I'm
[2:29] going to share some of my thoughts about
[2:32] it.
[2:34] Uh and I have a lot of people to thank.
[2:36] Um
[2:38] we always start talk by thanking people,
[2:40] and my list starts Vibhashi Butsu
[2:42] Daisho, Shikhi Butsu Daisho, Vishaphu
[2:45] Butsu Daisho,
[2:47] uh the very ancient Buddhas before the
[2:49] historical Buddha.
[2:51] Uh but more seriously, I want to thank
[2:52] Tim uh for helping with the microphone,
[2:54] if nothing else. Also for helping get
[2:57] these robes finished on time.
[2:59] Um and thank you to the Abbot David for
[3:01] fitting me into the schedule.
[3:03] Um I know I'm intruding on a practice
[3:06] period, so I will try to say something
[3:08] about the parameters, or at least one
[3:09] parameter, I think.
[3:11] Um and there are any number of teachers
[3:13] from Vibhashi Butsu right down to the
[3:15] present day who I can
[3:17] express my gratitude towards.
[3:20] Um, maybe I'll talk a little bit about
[3:22] that uh, more about that in a minute.
[3:23] But also, thanking everyone in the
[3:25] temple, everyone in the temple here
[3:26] today, you know, the people who come on
[3:28] Saturdays to,
[3:30] uh, do all the roles, many of whom have
[3:32] been doing this for as long as I've been
[3:33] coming here. Which is more than a
[3:35] quarter of a century.
[3:37] Um the people who are in residence,
[3:39] you know, the people who helped me every
[3:42] day to do the different ceremonies I had
[3:43] to do.
[3:44] Getting up early in the morning before
[3:46] the wake-up bell, which is pretty early.
[3:49] Um helping ring the bells,
[3:51] helping put out the mats, helping offer
[3:54] the incense.
[3:55] But even the people that just were
[3:57] cooking or cleaning,
[3:59] doing all the other things that happen
[4:01] in this sangha to create this container
[4:04] of practice.
[4:05] Uh this container of practice that we're
[4:07] all uh swimming in right now.
[4:10] Uh this beautiful space, this beautiful
[4:12] energy,
[4:13] uh this beautiful practice that we
[4:15] create together.
[4:17] Uh and we're all creating this together
[4:18] right now today.
[4:20] Uh you know, I look around the room and
[4:21] I see many people I know from many
[4:24] times, and it's very encouraging. And
[4:26] people I don't know yet,
[4:28] which is also very encouraging. So we're
[4:30] sharing this practice space and time.
[4:34] Um also uh a couple of extra thank yous.
[4:36] I I started the GoFundMe because I
[4:38] wasn't able to work for 3 weeks, and I
[4:40] wanted to help offset some of the costs
[4:42] of that, and of course the donations,
[4:44] and I had many benefactors. Uh My main
[4:47] benefactors are actually sitting in the
[4:48] room, so I'm not going to embarrass
[4:50] them. Um but I'm so deeply grateful for
[4:52] the people who financially supported me.
[4:55] Um there's also somebody in this room
[4:57] who lent me their koromo, which is this
[4:59] black outer robe.
[5:01] Um so on my ordination day, 17 and a
[5:05] half years ago, uh Paul, who was my
[5:07] ordination teacher, kind of fingered
[5:09] this fabric and said, "Mm, it's a
[5:11] plastic bag." Um and it's a beautiful
[5:13] robe, but it really doesn't do very well
[5:15] in the heat. So
[5:17] um
[5:18] with all the prostrations that I was
[5:19] doing, and I started doing them on the
[5:21] hottest day that we'd had in 2 years, I
[5:23] was, you know, overheating a lot.
[5:26] And so I was asking if there was a
[5:27] spare, you know, old koromo somewhere in
[5:30] a cupboard, you know, that I could maybe
[5:33] uh sweat less in. And somebody offered
[5:35] me their brand new from Japan, had not
[5:39] come out of the box, was still pinned
[5:40] and basted into place uh koromo to wear,
[5:43] which is incredible generosity.
[5:47] Um and so this generosity that I've been
[5:49] the recipient of, I want to, you know,
[5:51] acknowledge.
[5:52] And I was thinking of gratitude being
[5:55] this kind of very closely connected
[5:58] uh, with generosity.
[6:00] Um, the open hand of giving.
[6:02] The open hand of the perfection of
[6:04] giving.
[6:05] Um, and I feel, you know, very strongly
[6:07] that I have been, you know, the
[6:09] recipient of so much generosity during
[6:11] this process, during my 27 years of
[6:14] being associated with the Zen Center.
[6:16] And I want to appreciate that and
[6:18] express that appreciation.
[6:22] And I know, you know, anytime
[6:24] people talk about the perfection of
[6:26] anything, perfection of generosity,
[6:29] you know, there's a little voice in my
[6:30] head that goes, "Wait a minute, I can't
[6:32] even do the imperfection of generosity.
[6:34] I can't even do the imperfection of
[6:36] wisdom. What are we talking about here?"
[6:38] Um, but this practice asks us and
[6:40] invites us
[6:42] to go beyond that.
[6:44] To go beyond, you know, our limited ways
[6:46] of thinking.
[6:48] Um, and that we ourselves,
[6:51] everyone else,
[6:52] uh, and this moment that we're all
[6:54] living is much more than we're ever
[6:56] going to think of, or ever going to know
[6:58] about, or have stories or opinions
[7:01] about.
[7:13] Excuse me, I did also want to say in the
[7:15] introductions, um,
[7:18] when Tim offered me this date on the
[7:19] calendar, I said, "That's great, and I
[7:20] have a wedding to officiate in the
[7:22] afternoon. Um, so unfortunately, there
[7:25] won't be a question and answer this
[7:26] time. If I stop talking relatively soon,
[7:28] maybe we'll have a chance for one or two
[7:30] questions in here. But I do have to get
[7:32] out of town, and the 101 is closed, and
[7:34] there's a no kings rally that's going to
[7:36] be assembling just south of here; so,
[7:39] um, I'm hoping to have a quick getaway
[7:41] after this.
[7:43] Um, so I want to read a quote uh by
[7:45] Dogen. Dogen is the Japanese founder of
[7:48] this lineage, this tradition that we
[7:50] practice in. Uh and we do very much uh
[7:54] you know, in accord with how Dogen
[7:57] talked about things and that was in the
[7:58] 1200s, you know, the first half of the
[8:00] 13th century.
[8:02] Um and this particular
[8:04] quote actually comes from a chapter that
[8:06] he wrote in his uh major work, the
[8:09] Shobogenzo, the Treasury of the True
[8:11] Dharma Eye.
[8:13] And this actually informs one of the
[8:15] ceremonies that we do every day.
[8:18] Um
[8:19] because it starts with this quote and it
[8:21] has all the list of ancestors and then
[8:22] it finishes with the quote.
[8:25] And this quote, which I got to say as
[8:27] part of the ceremony every day for 3
[8:28] weeks, is,"Now, actualizing the Buddha
[8:32] ancestors means to bring them forth and
[8:35] look at them respectfully.
[8:38] It is not limited to the Buddhas of
[8:39] past, present, and future, but it is
[8:42] going beyond Buddhas who are going
[8:45] beyond themselves.
[8:48] It is taking up those who have
[8:50] maintained the face and eye of Buddha
[8:53] ancestors,
[8:54] formally bowing and meeting them.
[8:57] They have manifested the virtue of the
[9:00] Buddha ancestors,
[9:02] dwelt in it, and actualized it in the
[9:05] body.
[9:06] So this is something, you know, when you
[9:08] say it. I felt when I was saying it I
[9:10] was invoking, you know, these Buddha
[9:12] ancestors,
[9:13] you know, going back to Vipasyin Buddha,
[9:15] Shikhi Buddha, Visabhu Buddha all these
[9:17] Buddhas before the historical Buddha
[9:19] lived 2 and 1/2 thousand years ago and
[9:22] every single Buddha in between, every
[9:23] single ancestor in between.
[9:26] And there is some very familiar Dogen
[9:30] words for those who know Dogen.
[9:33] Um actualizing,
[9:35] manifesting,
[9:37] um going beyond.
[9:39] And so, these are kind of two things,
[9:41] manifesting and actualizing means to
[9:42] bring this
[9:44] practice, this practice that has been
[9:46] maintained
[9:48] for thousands of years,
[9:50] and is now spreading to the west,
[9:52] bring this practice into this present
[9:54] moment.
[9:56] And it also talks about going beyond
[9:58] this present moment, going beyond this
[10:00] imperfection of wisdom or the
[10:02] self-doubting,
[10:03] "Oh, I can't do that."
[10:05] into this space where everything like
[10:07] that is possible.
[10:12] So, I want to talk a little bit about
[10:13] the daily ceremonies because
[10:15] they kind of speak to this in a certain
[10:16] way. So, early in the morning, and so,
[10:18] it was
[10:20] 4:30 most mornings and most days of the
[10:21] week,
[10:23] um, you get up and you do what's called
[10:25] a jundo, which is going around to the
[10:27] different altars in the building,
[10:28] starting right here.
[10:30] Um, they've [clears throat] taken down
[10:31] the two uh the figures, but you do
[10:33] prostrations to Shakyamuni. You
[10:35] prostration to Bodhidharma, the first
[10:37] ancestor in China who came from India
[10:39] around about 5 or 600, and he may or may
[10:42] not have existed as a real person.
[10:44] But, symbolically, he's the first
[10:46] ancestor in China. And another
[10:48] Bodhisattva, somebody the guardian of
[10:49] the practice, Dogen Shuryu.
[10:51] And then, you go around the building
[10:53] making offerings to other teachers. So,
[10:56] in the
[10:57] Kaisando, the founder's hall,
[10:59] uh on the second floor at the top of the
[11:01] stairs,
[11:02] uh which I'm right is the build is the
[11:04] room that Suzuki Roshi died in. Is that
[11:05] right?
[11:06] >> He died there for the last week.
[11:08] >> Right. Okay. Yeah, so that's when Suzuki
[11:10] Roshi stayed when he was dying in 1971
[11:12] in this building.
[11:14] And there's a founder's hall to him, a
[11:16] memorial hall to him.
[11:18] And there, you bow to Dogen, and you bow
[11:19] to Suzuki Roshi.
[11:22] And I was thinking of the line
[11:24] in every month we do a memorial uh on
[11:27] the 3rd and the 4th
[11:29] uh for the death of Suzuki Roshi to
[11:30] remember him,
[11:32] and him alive.
[11:33] And in the dedication
[11:35] uh that we do after the chant, when we
[11:38] do a chant, we always dedicate the merit
[11:40] of that chant to other beings.
[11:43] We're dedicating it to him, and it says,
[11:45] "May our life reveal their compassion.
[11:48] Let us honor their true being."
[11:51] Again, these are words that sometimes
[11:52] you can skate over.
[11:54] "May our life reveal their compassion.
[11:58] Let us honor their true being."
[12:00] That this true being is not this, you
[12:02] know, deluded simple self that thinks it
[12:04] can't do anything.
[12:06] The true being is the person beyond
[12:07] space and time.
[12:10] The person that connects with this
[12:11] awakening
[12:13] that we trust the historical Buddha had.
[12:16] And it's this same awakening that we're
[12:18] practicing right now. When we manifest
[12:21] the practice, when we actualize the
[12:23] practice, this is why these words are so
[12:25] important.
[12:27] It's not a theoretical thing. It's
[12:29] something that happens right here, right
[12:31] now, between all of us.
[12:38] And then there are other bows and other
[12:41] prostrations in different parts of the
[12:42] temple, just to connect the whole temple
[12:44] together. To acknowledge in in in this
[12:48] case, in my own practice, how all these
[12:50] different parts, the kitchen, the dining
[12:52] room, the bathroom, they're all a part
[12:54] of this practice, not just the zendo,
[12:55] not just the Buddha hall.
[13:00] And then after breakfast, there's a
[13:01] personal service which I do in my room.
[13:04] And there again, different chants,
[13:06] different dedications.
[13:08] And there were two sets of dedications.
[13:09] So, in our main chanting of the lineage
[13:13] of ancestors, which happens in the next
[13:15] ceremony, we stop at Suzuki Roshi. You
[13:17] know, he was the founder of these
[13:18] temples.
[13:20] And then in this ceremony, I go the next
[13:22] four generations, Hoitsu Suzuki, Suzuki
[13:25] Roshi's son.
[13:27] Sojun Mel Weitsman, the founder of
[13:28] Berkeley Zen Center,
[13:30] is my Dharma great-grandfather.
[13:33] Roshi Enkyo O'Hara, right here, Paul
[13:35] Haller, my ordination teacher.
[13:38] Anshin Daigy Zachary Smith, who I don't
[13:40] think he's here because he's not been
[13:41] well. He's my
[13:42] Dharma transmission teacher, my Honshi.
[13:46] And then there's also a place to
[13:47] acknowledge
[13:49] other teachers, not just the direct
[13:51] lineage, but other teachers who have
[13:52] been important in your practice.
[13:55] In my case, I chose another four.
[13:58] Sesshin An Galen Godwin, the abbot now
[14:00] of Houston Zen Center, who
[14:04] uh gave me lay ordination in this room
[14:06] 22 years ago.
[14:08] Um
[14:10] and gave me the name Shindo.
[14:12] And
[14:14] Zenkai Blanche Hartman,
[14:16] who was the abbess in this temple when I
[14:18] first arrived in 2000.
[14:20] And who influenced me enormously, not
[14:22] just in what she said from the teaching
[14:24] seat,
[14:25] but how she lived in this building.
[14:28] How she conducted herself. How she
[14:30] manifested the practice in every
[14:33] activity. And her husband Lou as well.
[14:36] And the way he would take care of
[14:37] everything.
[14:38] The way he would fold the newspapers in
[14:40] the morning.
[14:42] Also, Myogen Steve Stucky,
[14:45] former abbot of this temple, the Zen
[14:48] Center, who died 13 years ago.
[14:51] And I was the shuso, the head monk, with
[14:53] him in Tassajara. And again, he taught
[14:55] me a lot about practicing in his way.
[14:59] Learning how he manifested the practice.
[15:05] And also, Ajahn Linda Cutts, senior
[15:07] Dharma teacher, or abbess at Green Gulch
[15:10] Zen Center abbess.
[15:11] I did three training periods with her at
[15:13] Tassajara, and she was a big influence,
[15:16] and I went to her many times for advice.
[15:22] And then the third of the morning
[15:24] ceremonies after the jindo going around
[15:26] the temple of this personal service is
[15:28] called the busserai and bowing to all
[15:30] the Buddhas and that starts with the
[15:32] quote that I just read.
[15:34] And then you do a prostration and an
[15:36] offering to every single Buddha
[15:39] male ancestor
[15:41] and female ancestor in our lineage.
[15:43] And the male ancestor is supposedly a
[15:45] continuous unbroken lineage.
[15:47] We think that historically this might
[15:49] not be exactly true but we trust that
[15:52] this awakening that the Buddha expressed
[15:55] and spread
[15:57] has come through
[15:59] and it's now coming through
[16:01] in this body
[16:03] amazingly enough.
[16:04] And also the women ancestors and as we
[16:06] said at the end
[16:08] to all women teachers, the great women
[16:10] teachers known and unknown remembered
[16:12] through these names. Because we know
[16:14] there were many important women teachers
[16:16] but they did not necessarily get a look
[16:18] in in history.
[16:20] And we prostrate to them anyway.
[16:24] And so every day you say each name and
[16:25] some of these names are familiar. You
[16:27] know, some of them are the maybe some
[16:29] great ancestors. You know, the people
[16:31] you know the stories about.
[16:33] And some of them are maybe the less well
[16:35] known.
[16:37] But each one of them equally important
[16:39] in transmitting this practice to us
[16:41] right now.
[16:44] And so first of all I was bowing every
[16:45] day to them and then in the last week of
[16:47] the three weeks of ceremonies you do a
[16:49] whole series of calligraphy where you're
[16:51] writing out this lineage in different
[16:53] ways.
[16:54] And so not only was I saying the name
[16:56] but I was seeing the name and then the
[16:58] next day when I was bowing I was seeing
[16:59] the name that I had written.
[17:02] And feeling drawn into this web of
[17:04] practice.
[17:07] Drawn into this web of awakening in this
[17:10] body.
[17:14] And as I said there are ancestors whose
[17:15] stories we know.
[17:17] And in my time there are ancestors whose
[17:19] stories we know and remember.
[17:25] And it's strange sometimes which stories
[17:27] we remember. So,
[17:29] when I first started practicing here,
[17:32] I remember one of the teachers, and I
[17:34] think she must have just gone through
[17:36] this Dharma transmission process
[17:37] herself.
[17:39] We're sitting up on this seat and she
[17:41] was saying, her teacher asked her, you
[17:43] know, "What's your relation to the
[17:44] Buddhist ancestors?"
[17:46] And she said something like, "Well, I
[17:48] don't really think about them that
[17:49] much."
[17:50] And I remember just being struck by that
[17:52] reply.
[17:53] Um because obviously in the Dharma
[17:55] transmission process you have to think
[17:56] about them. You know, you're encouraged
[17:58] to think about them. You take your place
[18:00] among them.
[18:01] And so these stories, you know,
[18:03] resonate.
[18:06] I'm not quite sure if that teacher is
[18:07] still alive or not, but I doubt that she
[18:10] would imagine 25 years later that
[18:12] somebody would be telling that story on
[18:13] the Dharma seat.
[18:16] And so if you end up sitting here
[18:20] anytime in the future,
[18:22] for those of you who are not yet
[18:23] empowered to do so, what would stories
[18:25] will you tell? Who will you be invoking?
[18:28] You know, the person I came to met came
[18:30] to meet here 27 years ago could not have
[18:33] imagined,
[18:35] nor could I have imagined that I'd be
[18:36] sitting up here one day.
[18:38] So, we never know.
[18:44] [clears throat]
[18:45] And because I knew I was going to give a
[18:47] talk, you know, when this process was
[18:48] finished,
[18:50] I was writing down notes
[18:52] while I was here
[18:54] and thinking about what I might say.
[18:57] And one of the first things I wrote was,
[18:58] "I feel like a fraud."
[19:02] And there are different ways for
[19:04] understanding that.
[19:05] Imposter, you know, I'm quite used to
[19:07] imposter syndrome. Right before I was
[19:09] giving a class, the last class I gave at
[19:12] San Francisco Zen Center, I remember
[19:13] thinking, "Who am I to teach all this
[19:14] stuff? I don't know anything about it."
[19:19] And I know that there are some people
[19:20] who have found, you know, my practice
[19:22] over the years because
[19:25] many years ago when I was a new priest,
[19:26] my behavior was not at the standard
[19:28] expected of priests.
[19:30] And I caused harm to people.
[19:33] And there are people who I think still
[19:34] hold the opinions that maybe I don't
[19:36] deserve to be sitting on here in a robe
[19:39] like this.
[19:40] And if you don't know, you know, what
[19:41] this brown robe signifies, you just see
[19:43] somebody sitting on the Dharma seat and
[19:44] think, "This person knows something,
[19:46] surely."
[19:48] And if you do know what the brown robe
[19:49] means, you're going to think, "This
[19:50] person must know something, surely."
[19:55] But then that feeling like a fraud is
[19:57] just a part of my limited, you know,
[19:59] imperfect understanding of who I am.
[20:03] And maybe some of these ancestors, maybe
[20:05] all of these ancestors that we invoke,
[20:08] felt like that at some point.
[20:16] We all have these limited ideas about
[20:18] ourselves which are not the truth.
[20:28] And another reason I kind of expressed
[20:30] that in my notes was the the amount of
[20:33] resistance I felt doing doing this
[20:34] process was quite extraordinary, really.
[20:37] Not just the getting up in the morning
[20:39] and being away from my lovely wife and
[20:41] lovely dog and my normal life for a few
[20:44] weeks.
[20:46] Um but the
[20:47] strenuous practice, you know, what I was
[20:49] doing, I think I counted, you know, more
[20:51] than 200 prostrations every morning. Uh
[20:54] and I certainly wasn't used to that.
[20:56] And I'm relatively fit and active, but I
[20:59] know it's, you know, it's hard.
[21:01] I was talking with a Dharma sister who
[21:03] has not been able to sit cross-legged on
[21:05] a cushion since you went through that
[21:07] process.
[21:11] And I was speaking with another elder at
[21:13] Zen Center who said, "Yeah,
[21:15] when I was doing Dharma transmission, my
[21:17] teacher said, 'All these rites of
[21:19] passage have an element of ordeal in
[21:21] them.
[21:22] And we have to get through the ordeal.'"
[21:26] And so this resistance to, you know,
[21:28] just doing what what was asked of me
[21:31] is very interesting. And I know that
[21:33] resistance.
[21:35] You know, when I lived here
[21:36] and I'm getting up every morning,
[21:38] sitting zazen.
[21:39] When I lived at Tassajara, getting up
[21:41] every morning, even earlier, and sitting
[21:43] even more zazen.
[21:45] And then doing sesshins, these retreats,
[21:47] these multi-day retreats, sitting even
[21:49] more zazen.
[21:50] And I had a lot of resistance to that.
[21:53] Quite often.
[21:55] But I stuck it out.
[21:58] Um you know, there are different reasons
[22:00] why I stuck it out.
[22:01] One is that I'd signed up to do it, and
[22:03] nobody was forcing me to stay.
[22:07] And you know, Zen is a very, in a sense,
[22:09] impersonal container for this. It's just
[22:11] like, "Here is the practice."
[22:13] It's There's nothing like, "We're making
[22:15] you do this." Like, "Here's the
[22:17] practice. You can do it if you want. You
[22:19] don't have to, but you can do it if you
[22:20] want."
[22:22] But there's something else that happens
[22:24] when you meet that resistance, when you
[22:26] meet that difficulty, when you meet that
[22:28] ordeal,
[22:29] and keep going. You know, I think the
[22:31] essence of practice is to keep going.
[22:34] Um because
[22:36] you know, I I wrote down two things
[22:37] here. The radiant light that follows.
[22:40] You know, when if you've done a
[22:41] multi-day retreat,
[22:43] or maybe uh in a in any other
[22:44] circumstance, you do something hard, and
[22:46] then when it stops, you suddenly wow,
[22:49] life is amazing.
[22:51] Uh and zazen is a really great way to do
[22:53] that.
[22:54] Is to be in silence, to be still and
[22:56] silent. And even if it's physically
[22:58] uncomfortable, even if it's emotionally
[23:01] uncomfortable,
[23:03] or you know, psychically uncomfortable.
[23:05] You keep going and then at a certain
[23:07] point like, "Wow, okay, that that stuff
[23:09] melted away. And what is left is this
[23:11] bright radiant sunshine."
[23:15] And there's also, you know, kind of a
[23:16] resilience that again, maybe we don't
[23:18] think we're capable of.
[23:20] You know, you think, "Oh, I can't get
[23:21] through this."
[23:23] You know, the
[23:24] situations in all of our lives where we
[23:26] have to confront this.
[23:28] When we're dealing with loss,
[23:30] we're dealing with grief.
[23:32] We think, "I can't get through this."
[23:34] And somehow we do.
[23:36] And we did it in 2020.
[23:39] When we were faced with this, you know,
[23:42] unheard of pandemic. You know, the worst
[23:45] in 100 years. Like, how are we going to
[23:46] get through this? And we did.
[23:50] So, we can always do more than we think
[23:52] we're capable of.
[23:55] And can we be generous with our own
[23:58] capacity?
[24:05] So, I'm not saying that I'm not a fraud.
[24:09] But I'm not going to be fooled or
[24:10] limited by that thought that maybe I am
[24:12] a fraud.
[24:16] Cuz another thing I wrote is that Dharma
[24:17] transmission is not a cure for foibles.
[24:23] That every teacher
[24:25] is human
[24:27] and is manifesting the practice in their
[24:29] human way.
[24:31] Hopefully offering us glimpses of what
[24:34] it means to be a Buddha and an ancestor.
[24:36] What it means to manifest and actualize
[24:38] this practice.
[24:53] And these days, you know, I don't live
[24:55] at the temple
[24:56] anymore.
[24:57] Um and a lot of my practice is outside.
[25:00] As it was before I came to Zen, I was
[25:03] a cross-country runner and a
[25:04] long-distance cyclist. And so, that kind
[25:06] of sense of pushing myself came in those
[25:08] fields.
[25:12] And now, often I sit outside.
[25:14] And just being present in, you know,
[25:17] more challenging circumstances than when
[25:19] you're sitting in a quiet zendo.
[25:26] But day-to-day practice is not really
[25:28] different.
[25:30] You know, whether you're working in the
[25:31] kitchen. I remember when I first lived
[25:34] here, I worked in the kitchen every day.
[25:37] And I didn't necessarily want to chop
[25:39] carrots and onions for hours on end. You
[25:41] know, there's a resistance that comes in
[25:42] that.
[25:43] But then, you learn this is also the
[25:45] practice.
[25:46] This is no less a practice than sitting
[25:47] in the zendo.
[25:52] And if you ask me to summarize how I
[25:55] think of practice, I think of it as
[25:57] constantly noticing whether we're
[26:00] opening or closing to a situation.
[26:05] As we start to feel that at a certain
[26:07] point. And then, I
[26:09] Dan and I uh alternate between leading
[26:12] the Thursday evening online zazen group.
[26:15] Zazen discussion. And I was talking
[26:17] about how
[26:18] I have to kind of rush from work to get
[26:20] home in time to lead the 5:30. And how,
[26:23] you know, when uh
[26:25] my boss may be listening, Charlie.
[26:27] You know, he's wanting to talk to me.
[26:29] I'm going to open to talking. And then,
[26:30] at a certain point, I can feel like I've
[26:32] got to leave now. I've got to leave if I
[26:33] want to get back on time. And just
[26:35] feeling that kind of tightness that
[26:36] comes.
[26:38] You know, just in a very, very minor
[26:39] situation.
[26:41] But we can feel that at any moment.
[26:44] And you know, zazen is a great practice
[26:46] for starting to notice that. When we
[26:49] give our wholehearted attention to the
[26:51] present moment, which is what we're
[26:53] always invited to do in zazen. We start
[26:56] to be able to do that in the moments
[26:57] when more is happening. Oh, yeah, I'm
[27:00] starting to feel a little tight around
[27:01] that. Oh, yeah, there's that closing
[27:04] off.
[27:06] And we can do it with
[27:08] any situation,
[27:10] any person we encounter.
[27:12] Do I feel open to them? Am I closing up?
[27:14] Why am I closing up right now?
[27:17] This is one of my early
[27:19] experience of this was at Sarnath
[27:20] Sarnath with somebody I noticed I was
[27:22] avoiding because I didn't want to
[27:23] interact with them. It's like, why am I
[27:25] doing that? What's what's going on here?
[27:28] And so, when I opened up in that
[27:31] situation, I ended up having
[27:32] conversation with him. And I don't
[27:33] necessarily like them anymore
[27:35] afterwards, but at least there's the
[27:36] opportunity for meeting in that moment.
[27:39] And that's what this practice is all
[27:41] about, because if we close up,
[27:43] if we start thinking, "Nah, I don't want
[27:44] to do this." I always talk about it as
[27:46] putting blinkers on. We're putting our
[27:48] own blinkers on.
[27:49] I'm wrapped up in my own story here. I
[27:51] don't want to deal with anybody else.
[27:53] But we know
[27:55] that because we know it from experience
[27:57] that when we do open up
[27:59] and go beyond ourselves a little bit, go
[28:01] beyond our own story, go beyond our
[28:04] feeling like, "Oh, I'm capable of this.
[28:05] I'm not capable of that." Something else
[28:07] happens.
[28:09] You know, this idea that when when we
[28:11] connect with other people,
[28:13] we really do make a difference in the
[28:16] world.
[28:19] And we're opening to the limitless
[28:22] generosity of the world.
[28:30] So, there's another quote I wanted to
[28:32] share, which again
[28:33] also came from a Dogen piece of writing,
[28:35] but he's quoting an earlier story.
[28:38] And this is that Yaoshan
[28:40] and again, if you want to place Yaoshan
[28:41] in this list of ancestors, he's right
[28:43] after the sixth patriarch in China. And
[28:46] the sixth patriarch is sixth after
[28:48] Bodhidharma.
[28:53] So, Yaoshan asked novice Gao, "Did you
[28:56] get it by reading a sutra or from
[28:58] personal guidance?"
[29:02] Gao said, "I didn't get it by reading a
[29:04] sutra or from personal guidance."
[29:09] Yaoshan said, "There are many who don't
[29:11] read a sutra or receive personal
[29:13] guidance. How come they don't get it?"
[29:16] And Gao said, "I can't say they don't
[29:17] get it.
[29:19] Perhaps they don't want to hit the
[29:20] mark."
[29:23] And there's another translation of that
[29:24] last answer, "I do not say they're
[29:26] without it.
[29:28] It's just that they do not dare to
[29:29] experience it directly."
[29:35] So, there's a lot to unpack here.
[29:37] So, Yaoshan perhaps
[29:41] recognizes Gao's awakening.
[29:44] And how did you get this awakening?
[29:46] Did you get awakened by reading a sutra
[29:48] or by being helped by a teacher?
[29:52] And Gao said, "No, I didn't get it by
[29:54] reading a sutra or from personal
[29:56] guidance."
[29:57] And his answer points to the fact that
[29:59] what we're talking about here is not
[30:01] something you get from outside.
[30:07] Even though we're talking about
[30:08] transmission, like you think about the
[30:09] word transmission, it's going from one
[30:11] thing to another thing, from the teacher
[30:12] to the disciple.
[30:14] That's one
[30:16] level. Another level, nothing is
[30:17] transmitted.
[30:19] The teacher is trusting that you are
[30:21] awakened to this yourself.
[30:28] So, if you don't get it from reading a
[30:29] sutra or from personal guidance, people
[30:31] have never read a sutra or talked to a
[30:32] teacher,
[30:33] why don't they get it?
[30:37] And this points to that everyone has
[30:38] this potential for awakening, every
[30:40] single person
[30:41] has this potential. And again, we might
[30:43] look at some people think, "Mhm, not
[30:44] them. Mhm."
[30:48] I'm reminded of uh
[30:50] wonderful person. I think it's uh
[30:51] Tassajara County. He wrote a song
[30:54] and said, "May all beings be happy
[30:55] except you."
[31:00] And that's an impulse we have. Like,
[31:02] "Oh, no, no, not those people."
[31:04] Not those people. But everyone has this
[31:06] possibility. Now, where do we get it
[31:07] from? We don't get it from
[31:10] anywhere else.
[31:15] And so, I can't say they don't get it.
[31:16] Perhaps they don't want to hit the mark.
[31:18] So, for me, this is about or experience
[31:21] it directly. It's like being willing to
[31:23] go inside and look at that stuff.
[31:28] Being willing to say, "Why do I feel
[31:29] like a fraud?
[31:31] Why do some people think I don't deserve
[31:33] to be sitting in this seat in a brown
[31:35] robe? What's going on?"
[31:37] And being willing to investigate that
[31:40] non-judgmentally, which again is
[31:41] something that zazen encourages for us.
[31:58] It's not that they don't get it. Perhaps
[31:59] they don't want to hit the mark. Do we
[32:01] want to hit the mark? What is the mark
[32:03] that we hit? What is it anyway?
[32:08] I think it's this belief in
[32:10] our own natural awakening and the
[32:12] natural awakening of the whole world
[32:14] around us, which again, we don't
[32:15] necessarily want to open up to.
[32:19] And you know, and I often think of
[32:22] the practice period I spent at Tassajara
[32:23] with Steve Stuckey when I was the head
[32:25] monk, as being a little turning point in
[32:27] my practice because I was less focused
[32:29] on being in the zendo and more focused
[32:31] on looking at the trees.
[32:33] And who can say what it is about the
[32:34] trees at Tassajara, but for me, that was
[32:37] understanding, you know, in a different
[32:39] way how they're expressing their
[32:40] awakening moment by moment. And this is
[32:42] something Dogen often talks about.
[32:44] You know, and other teachers talk about
[32:46] the insentient beings are always
[32:47] expressing the Dharma.
[32:50] And maybe we can hear it, maybe we can't
[32:51] hear it, maybe we understand it, maybe
[32:53] we don't understand it, but we can
[32:55] join in.
[32:56] We can join in with this expression of
[32:58] awakening that is always happening
[33:00] in the perfect generosity of the world.
[33:17] And so the Dharma transmission ceremony,
[33:19] you know, it's a expression of trust
[33:22] from your teacher that you
[33:25] if you don't have access to this that
[33:26] you can at least working on it. You're
[33:28] able to express it, able to say
[33:30] something about it, able to realize and
[33:32] manifest it.
[33:33] Actualize it.
[33:38] And then doing so we are connected
[33:41] with all Buddhas throughout space and
[33:42] time.
[33:47] And this connecting openly with others
[33:50] as we do in this practice place, as we
[33:52] do in the Sangha.
[33:56] Amazing things happen and we just don't
[33:58] know which of these things will be of
[34:00] greatest benefit to people 25 years down
[34:02] the line.
[34:08] And Dan was sitting here on the seat 3
[34:10] weeks ago and he quoted another line
[34:11] from Dogen that in fact listen to Dan's
[34:14] talk from 3 weeks ago because he's
[34:15] talking about all this stuff in a in a
[34:17] wonderfully slightly different way. But
[34:19] he quoted this line from Dogen like
[34:20] Buddhas and ancestors of old were as we,
[34:23] we in the future shall be Buddhas and
[34:25] ancestors. And again, we might not
[34:28] believe this of ourselves. We might not
[34:29] believe this of the other Buddhas and
[34:31] ancestors. Did they think they were
[34:32] frauds?
[34:34] Do we think that in 6 or 700 years
[34:36] people will be invoking some of the
[34:38] stories that we tell from this Dharma
[34:40] seat?
[34:43] We don't know. We don't know what will
[34:46] get transmitted and what will be
[34:48] amplified.
[34:50] But when we do this particular process,
[34:54] but all of us as we practice, we're
[34:55] vowing not to let it be cut off.
[34:59] This practice that Suzuki Roshi brought
[35:02] to us
[35:04] with incredible generosity,
[35:06] brought to us and established this
[35:08] sangha 60 years ago, 60 70 years ago.
[35:12] We're vowing for it not to be cut off.
[35:16] And Zen in the West is still pretty new.
[35:19] It may take different forms.
[35:21] There may be fewer people sitting in
[35:23] these
[35:24] hot robes giving talks like this, but
[35:27] the practice will still be there.
[35:29] However it is that it manifests, it will
[35:31] be there. So, can we do our part?
[35:42] And the Zen way is always talking about
[35:44] face-to-face transmission. You know, I'm
[35:47] looking at all of your faces, you're
[35:48] looking at my face. Something is
[35:49] transmitted. We don't know what it is.
[35:52] But I look at many of these beautiful
[35:54] faces of people I've known for many,
[35:56] many years and something beautiful
[35:57] happens.
[36:00] We're accessing
[36:02] the awakening of the Buddhas throughout
[36:04] space and time.
[36:06] From Vibhassi Buddha
[36:09] to everybody here and back again.
[36:13] This is what the trust is.
[36:26] May our life reveal their compassion.
[36:29] Let us honor their true being.
[36:37] We might have room for a question if
[36:40] anyone
[36:42] One question. Thank you, Tim. Who wants
[36:44] to be the
[36:45] lucky person to ask that question or the
[36:47] unlucky person?
[37:00] And thank you.
[37:07] >> How have you changed in the last 27
[37:10] years?
[37:15] >> Uh probably in more ways than I can
[37:18] imagine.
[37:19] You know, these these hairs will be gray
[37:20] for one thing. Um
[37:23] but it is to do with that opening.
[37:26] Um
[37:27] and for me, you know, in my life and
[37:29] upbringing
[37:30] the closing often looked like judgment.
[37:34] You know, I was used to being on the
[37:36] receiving end of judgment, most of which
[37:38] was not kind judgment but harsh
[37:40] judgment. Um and so that was, you know,
[37:43] I would replay that back into the world.
[37:46] And you know, when I came here I
[37:48] noticed, you know, the difference
[37:50] between
[37:51] you know, a lot of the
[37:53] ways of speaking, ways of relating that
[37:55] I grew up with in England don't really
[37:57] translate to Zen Center. So if I was
[37:59] trying to be sarcastic or, you know,
[38:01] kind of uh snappy with people living
[38:04] here, it didn't work.
[38:06] That was a very quick lesson. That was
[38:07] one of my first lesson like, "Don't
[38:09] speak like you used to speaking. Like it
[38:11] doesn't land very well." Um and so that
[38:14] was a little part of the opening up.
[38:16] Um but really is is it's noticing how
[38:19] much I would close just out of
[38:21] self-protectiveness, fear,
[38:23] uh feeling of feeling like I was a
[38:25] fraud, whatever.
[38:27] Um
[38:27] and
[38:29] getting over that to a certain extent.
[38:32] Not always, but you know, to a certain
[38:33] extent being able to get over that.
[38:35] Thank you.
[38:37] I'm very easy to find online. You can
[38:40] reach out and ask me questions if if you
[38:42] like.
[38:44] Thank you.
[38:47] May
[38:48] >> our intention
[38:50] equally
[38:51] extend
[38:53] to every
[38:55] being and
[38:56] place
[38:57] with
[38:59] the true
[39:03] merit
[39:04] of the Buddha's way.
[39:06] Beings
[39:08] are numberless.
[39:10] I vow
[39:10] I
[39:12] vow
[39:13] to save them.
[39:15] Delusions are
[39:18] inexhaustible.