Transcript
[0:00] The human voice is so powerful. Someone
[0:03] using language in a generous way can
[0:05] really bring the best out of us. But we
[0:08] often will close our ears to another
[0:11] person's voice. A lot of conversations
[0:13] [music] are not conversations at all.
[0:15] It's just me waiting for a gap so that I
[0:17] can fire off this invisible pile of
[0:19] ammunition. You can't hear anything but
[0:21] your own voice and the rest of the world
[0:23] actually can't find you. Right now we
[0:25] live in a culture that is in many ways
[0:27] attention [music] deficit. It's really
[0:29] just about paying attention to things
[0:32] other than yourself. So why not just
[0:34] fall silent? It's because you feel
[0:37] you're going to die. That's why you feel
[0:39] as if your identity is falling apart.
[0:42] But it's actually almost the opposite.
[0:45] In silence, I realized that every part
[0:47] of the world was speaking back to me.
[0:49] The animals and landscapes and plants
[0:51] and trees and the ocean. You can have
[0:54] that also with your partner or your
[0:56] daughter in the [music] kitchen in the
[0:57] morning. The conversation is going to
[0:59] look back at a part of you that you
[1:01] might not have looked [music] at for a
[1:02] long time. Everything's alive.
[1:04] Everything is waiting for you. Just
[1:06] beyond yourself. It's where you need to
[1:09] be. Just turn your face towards it. Just
[1:12] fall even in the direction in which
[1:14] you're supposed to go. [laughter]
[1:16] And the first step I always say is stop.
[1:24] Hey everyone, welcome back to the Know
[1:26] Thyself podcast. Our guest today trained
[1:29] as a marine zoologologist and spent over
[1:31] nearly 2 years as a naturalist guide in
[1:35] the Galapagos. He's a one of the most
[1:38] globally decorated and cherished
[1:40] authors. He is a treasure of wisdom and
[1:44] his books 12 poetry five pros really
[1:50] give great insight into the
[1:52] conversational nature of reality itself.
[1:54] David White, thank you for being here.
[1:56] >> My pleasure.
[1:57] >> The pleasure is absolutely mine. I
[2:00] thought we could start with words
[2:01] themselves.
[2:03] as you describe them, they could be
[2:05] turned against us, used as weapons, or
[2:07] they can be leveraged as a greater means
[2:10] to gain access into reality itself. I
[2:13] would love for you to share in your own
[2:15] words about words themselves.
[2:18] >> Yeah. Yeah.
[2:20] You know, when we're when we're children
[2:22] and we're uh very small children and
[2:25] we're first learning whatever language
[2:27] we're growing in, when you hear a word,
[2:31] it's not about something. It is the
[2:33] thing itself. And when you hear hear the
[2:35] word door,
[2:38] um as a child, you you immediately have
[2:40] a physical apprehension of the of the
[2:43] door itself.
[2:45] And it carries everything that doors
[2:48] hold. Being closed, being open, uh
[2:52] hiding something, uh being a portal to
[2:56] something larger. Um it depends uh on
[3:01] the doors in your house too as to
[3:03] whether they hold fear or they hold uh
[3:07] love and invitation or more often
[3:10] something of both. So I do feel that uh
[3:16] our later use of language is often an
[3:18] abstraction of how we first came across
[3:21] it uh and how it first arrived in our
[3:25] bodies.
[3:26] So um you could say that uh poetry is
[3:31] the art of reestablishing that direct
[3:35] the direct presence of language in the
[3:37] body.
[3:39] Um, and speaking of the word doorway, as
[3:42] a doorway to your next dispensation of
[3:45] understanding in your life, you know,
[3:47] the next emancipation of your character,
[3:50] of your ability to to uh be generous
[3:55] with the gifts that uh you were given
[4:00] and and you're going to give a lot of
[4:02] those gifts through the way you speak
[4:05] and the way you make invitations and the
[4:07] way you hold the conversation of life
[4:10] >> that understanding that we are sort of
[4:14] passed down words and then we live
[4:16] inside this abstraction nobody really
[4:18] defined for us.
[4:20] >> Um when you say that poetry is sort of a
[4:24] doorway to like rediscover these words.
[4:26] Um,
[4:28] can you say a little bit more about how
[4:30] often we're living in an abstraction
[4:32] where we haven't defined, we throw
[4:33] around words like
[4:35] >> love, consciousness, home. Um, and it's
[4:39] a medium we both traffic in. In this
[4:41] podcast, it's something that I'm
[4:43] increasingly gaining more uh putting
[4:45] more attention to, right? Uh, an artist
[4:48] or a painter will study the medium in
[4:50] which they're using of paint. And um I
[4:54] in my past have not given as much weight
[4:56] to exploring words themselves as as
[5:00] doorways in in your words. And so I'd
[5:02] like to set that framing a bit more.
[5:05] >> Yes. And the human voice is so powerful.
[5:08] And uh we often will will uh uh close
[5:14] our ears and ourselves to another
[5:18] person's voice because uh because we
[5:22] don't want that voice in our bodies
[5:23] actually because the voice actually
[5:25] travels not only through the ears but
[5:27] all the resonant bones in our in our
[5:30] head. And if you look at the
[5:33] phenomenology of hearing, it's not just
[5:35] the timani in the in the ears. It's we
[5:39] listen with our whole bodies actually
[5:41] and it's transmitted through the whole
[5:43] whole body. So someone we love or
[5:45] someone we fear speaking can affect our
[5:49] stomach almost almost immediately can
[5:52] affect our our way of being. Yeah. And
[5:56] uh on the other side of it, it it can
[5:59] also someone using uh or or embodying
[6:04] language in a generous way can really
[6:08] bring the best out of us here can can
[6:10] make an invitation to us that we didn't
[6:13] realize we wanted or or deserved.
[6:17] Uh so it's they're very words and
[6:20] language are very very powerful indeed
[6:23] both to the to the positive and to the
[6:26] negative. So learning how to become more
[6:30] conversational
[6:32] uh which means you admit that someone
[6:34] else is actually alive. They're not just
[6:35] there as recipients of your insights and
[6:38] your what you have to say. A lot of
[6:40] conversations that we call conversations
[6:42] are not conversations at all. It's just
[6:44] me waiting for a gap uh so that I can
[6:47] fire off this invisible pile of
[6:49] ammunition that's at my side. [laughter]
[6:52] And when the when the ammunition is
[6:54] over, when I look down and it's all
[6:55] gone, the conversation is over. No,
[6:57] that's no conversation at all. Yeah. You
[7:00] have to admit
[7:02] that's that uh there is life and voice
[7:06] and a voice other than your own. There's
[7:09] marvelous lines in Spanish by Antonio
[7:11] Machado. I don't remember the original
[7:14] Spanish actually, but he says uh he
[7:16] says, "An eye is an eye not because you
[7:20] see it. An eye is an eye because it sees
[7:23] you." Yeah. An eye is not an eye because
[7:25] you see it as an eye. An eye is an eye
[7:28] because it sees you. Well, you could say
[7:31] the same thing for a voice. A voice is a
[7:33] voice because it speaks to you. Yeah.
[7:37] not because
[7:39] you can you can hear it and name it in a
[7:42] way that's too small for it. Uh so the
[7:46] ability uh to have a relationship
[7:50] with what's just about to happen
[7:56] helps to make a conversation more real.
[7:58] M you know poets uh when they first
[8:00] begin or when you begin any exploration
[8:03] of language and it sounds like you're
[8:05] sincerely beginning to explore it. You
[8:08] tend to think that if only I can find
[8:11] this part of myself that's fully
[8:13] articulate.
[8:14] Uh then I can just speak from that place
[8:17] and say everything I want to say. But
[8:20] it's actually almost the opposite.
[8:22] You're going to have to find the part of
[8:25] you that doesn't know what to say.
[8:28] And that's the part of you that's more
[8:31] invitational, more conversational.
[8:34] That's the part of you that will write
[8:35] good poetry.
[8:37] That's the part of you that will make
[8:39] real invitations to other people because
[8:41] you're really from that place of not
[8:45] knowing, you're actually curious about
[8:48] the world. you're paying attention and
[8:51] you're more invitational.
[8:53] So much of what we call intimacy is the
[8:57] ability to make and receive invitations
[9:00] at a very very physical level. Yeah. And
[9:03] to feel to feel uh invited. Yeah. We use
[9:08] words like belonging. But in many ways
[9:10] belonging is a form of invitation that
[9:14] has been met. Yeah. That has been made.
[9:18] and and the best form of belonging is
[9:20] where it's where the invitation's not
[9:22] only been made but it's been met at the
[9:25] same time.
[9:28] >> The way that you're describing the
[9:31] conversational nature of reality and how
[9:34] attention
[9:36] deepens your ability to
[9:40] commune with and be intimate with
[9:41] whatever you're conversing with or
[9:43] relating to. Can you speak a little bit
[9:46] more about that distinction and the
[9:48] relationship between attention and
[9:50] having and even having the capacity for
[9:52] a conversation?
[9:54] >> Yes. Yeah. So
[9:57] your identity changes according to how
[10:01] much attention you're paying to things
[10:03] other than yourself.
[10:06] And the first stage of identity is no
[10:11] identity at all. is where you're not
[10:13] paying attention, where you can't hear
[10:16] anything but your own voice. You can't
[10:18] see anything but your own reflection in
[10:20] the mirror. Uh you don't have patience
[10:23] for anything around you. And there's
[10:26] very little conversation. And to the
[10:28] rest of the world, the rest of the world
[10:30] actually can't find you in a strange
[10:32] way. And I first investigated these
[10:35] different levels of attention and
[10:37] therefore different levels of
[10:40] incarnation that we can inhabit.
[10:43] Um I mean incarnation is just a very
[10:45] fancy theological way of saying being
[10:48] here in your body being present. Yeah.
[10:52] And uh which is half the battle as they
[10:55] say.
[10:56] >> Mhm. So the uh I first started to
[10:59] investigate uh these different levels of
[11:03] participation that a human being can can
[11:05] inhabit
[11:06] >> when I was a young naturalist in the
[11:09] Galapagus Islands. And going to
[11:12] Galapagus was a was quite a surprise to
[11:15] me at the time. I was uh I didn't know I
[11:18] was going to be there until 6 weeks
[11:20] before I got the job. And then suddenly
[11:22] I was there for two years in these
[11:24] far-flung islands far away from the uh
[11:28] from what we call the civilized world.
[11:31] And this is pre- internet uh no email.
[11:33] It took 3 weeks for a letter to arrive.
[11:35] Three 3 weeks for a letter to get back
[11:38] to uh to anyone in Europe. So you six
[11:42] weeks away from any reply. Uh we don't
[11:45] have that privilege today. When I think
[11:47] about it, it was a privilege to be so
[11:48] isolated actually. Um but there were uh
[11:53] there was another community there in the
[11:55] gap in the Galapagus besides the the
[11:58] human community that was there which was
[12:00] the community of the natural world and
[12:02] all the animals and birds and the sea
[12:05] creatures that inhabited that
[12:06] astonishing constellation of qualities
[12:10] and uh um in those islands the uh the
[12:15] animals and birds and even the sea
[12:17] creatures have no fear of humankind
[12:19] actually. So you can get very close to
[12:21] them and you can get into silent
[12:24] conversations with them. And it was
[12:27] there that I realized uh that uh every
[12:31] part of the world was speaking back to
[12:32] me. And until that moment I barely
[12:36] listened to a small percentage of what
[12:41] was actually there.
[12:43] My vision, my hearing, my presence was
[12:46] so narrow and confined to the human
[12:50] social invitations that I'd been made,
[12:53] you know, in my growing my my Yorkshire
[12:56] community in the north of England, my
[12:57] Irish Irish uh relatives, my Irish
[13:00] mother and uh uh I had had a great
[13:04] education. So, lots of invitations
[13:05] there. But Galapagus opened up the world
[13:10] and creation as it was before human
[13:13] beings evolved, never mind took
[13:15] dominion.
[13:17] So you were constantly being taken out
[13:19] of yourself by the wondrous nature of
[13:22] the place. So you could for instance be
[13:25] leading a group of people and my job was
[13:28] educator and policeman guide guarding
[13:30] the islands as a naturalist guide a
[13:33] guatalista
[13:34] working for the national park and for
[13:37] for your employer who uh brought these
[13:40] visitors you know to to the to the
[13:43] islands. You could be walking along feel
[13:45] feeling very sorry for yourself as we
[13:47] often do as human beings because of
[13:49] things that weren't as they should be.
[13:52] you know, you've not been kept into the
[13:54] manner to which you want to be
[13:56] accustomed. Uh, all of these natural
[13:59] complaints human beings find time to
[14:02] make about reality. And then suddenly
[14:05] you would see a Galapagus hawk on a
[14:07] branch in front of you. And as you're
[14:10] walking along the path, it doesn't take
[14:12] off and fly away. It stays there and you
[14:15] all stop and you maybe walk even a
[14:18] little closer. And then you might be
[14:19] just 8 or 9 ft away and that might be
[14:22] the perimeter that I as a guy would say
[14:24] okay we don't want to disturb this
[14:27] animal but actually this is incredibly
[14:29] intimate there. So you'd be looking at
[14:31] the hawk and um and suddenly the hawk
[14:36] starts come to to come alive in that
[14:38] silence in its own essence. Yeah. So
[14:42] then suddenly you've taken a step. The
[14:44] first step is not noticing at all.
[14:46] You're just caught up in your own your
[14:49] own cycle. Yeah. Inner cycle. The second
[14:53] step is paying attention to something
[14:55] other than yourself. Oh my god. You
[14:57] know, this world is alive. Yeah. Well,
[14:59] you can have that also with your partner
[15:01] or your daughter in the kitchen in the
[15:02] morning. You can see them as either
[15:06] someone for whom you have to complete
[15:08] tasks. Yeah. Or someone uh you have to
[15:11] please. Yeah. But quite often we don't
[15:14] see their essence speaking back to us.
[15:16] You know the privilege of being in the
[15:18] presence in the kitchen uh with your
[15:21] daughter with your partner uh and being
[15:25] able to work from that place of
[15:28] origination.
[15:30] So in Galapagus you were constantly
[15:33] being invited into the astonishing place
[15:35] of origination.
[15:38] So the second step is there's the hawk.
[15:41] It's absolutely astonishing in and of
[15:43] itself. And then you start to realize
[15:47] that the hawk is looking back at you.
[15:51] As Antonio Machado said, "An eye is not
[15:53] an eye because you see it. An eye is an
[15:55] eye because it sees you." Yeah. But the
[15:58] hawk and when you're looking into those
[16:01] amber hawkish eyes, they're quite
[16:04] astonishing actually. And uh it's often
[16:07] the last thing a creature will see
[16:09] before it it before its demise.
[16:12] [laughter]
[16:15] >> Horrifyingly beautiful.
[16:16] >> Yeah, they're very fierce. But they're
[16:18] looking back very fiercely at a place
[16:20] inside you that is deeper and broader
[16:24] and wider than the person who first
[16:26] started the conversation.
[16:29] Yeah. And of course we have this in the
[16:31] kitchen too with a loved one or an
[16:33] intimate uh one of the reasons we won't
[16:36] go deep is that you're if you do
[16:40] the conversation is going to look back
[16:42] at a part of you that you might not have
[16:45] looked at for a long time. Yeah. So it's
[16:48] very disturbing to your surface
[16:50] identity. Yeah.
[16:52] And uh and so then you're into a
[16:55] different conversation. This part of
[16:57] this deeper part of you starts looking
[16:59] at the deeper part of the hawker
[17:02] and then suddenly you're precipitated
[17:03] into the next level
[17:06] which is
[17:08] which is where uh you feel as if what is
[17:12] real is not you
[17:15] nor is it the hawk. It's this
[17:18] relationship between you that's live.
[17:22] It's the conversation itself. And it's
[17:24] as if life is pirouetting
[17:27] backwards and forwards on a
[17:31] uh highwire
[17:33] between you and the hawk. It's a live
[17:35] exchange that's quite nourishing in and
[17:38] of itself. You don't need to go anywhere
[17:40] else. Is fulfilling in and of itself.
[17:43] And then the last stage if you're given
[17:45] a a few hours of watching the hog
[17:48] [laughter]
[17:49] or I should or cumulatively over the
[17:51] days and months you know being in
[17:53] silence with animals and and landscapes
[17:56] and plants and trees and the ocean. Uh
[18:00] then you both disappear
[18:04] and there's just the essence itself of
[18:06] the relationship.
[18:09] Uh there's not even the wire between
[18:12] you.
[18:13] >> I have a piece about this that's called
[18:15] the bell and the blackbird.
[18:16] >> The experience, the live experience I
[18:18] had uh hearing the redwinged blackbird
[18:22] outside of my study doors which were
[18:25] open at the time and hearing a bell
[18:28] right behind me at the same time.
[18:31] Uh, someone struck a pair of Tibetan
[18:33] bells just in exactly the right way and
[18:35] it went right through me and I heard the
[18:37] blackbird too. So, the sound of a bell
[18:43] still reverberating or a blackbird a
[18:46] blackbird calling from a corner of the
[18:48] field asking you to wake into this life
[18:52] or inviting you deeper into the one that
[18:55] waits. Either way takes courage. either
[19:00] way wants you to become nothing but that
[19:03] self that is no self at all wants you to
[19:07] walk to the place where you find you
[19:10] already know you will have to give every
[19:13] last thing away the approach that is
[19:18] also the meeting itself without any
[19:21] meeting at all that radiance you have
[19:25] always carried with you as you walk both
[19:28] alone own and completely accompanied in
[19:32] friendship by every corner of creation
[19:36] crying allelujah.
[19:46] The approach that is also the meeting
[19:49] itself without [snorts] any meeting at
[19:51] all. That radiance you have always
[19:55] carried with you as you walk both alone
[19:58] and completely accompanied in friendship
[20:01] by every corner of creation crying
[20:05] allelujah.
[20:09] You know when you hear that phrase uh if
[20:11] you just hear that poem cold and you
[20:13] hear that phrase uh that radiance you
[20:16] have always carried with you most of the
[20:18] time you say what radiance I don't have
[20:21] that I wish I I'd like that radiance
[20:23] where is that rad well the radiance lies
[20:26] in the disappearance you know in the
[20:29] intimacy of the conversation itself like
[20:31] a human love relationship the ecstasy is
[20:34] in the mutual disappearance
[20:37] and the uh the mutual recognition at the
[20:41] same time. So uh a real conversation, a
[20:47] real meeting. Yeah. And by the way, the
[20:49] word conversation is a beautiful word
[20:51] actually. Uh it means inside out,
[20:55] converse, you know, from the Latin.
[20:58] So it's asking you to be inside out
[21:02] [laughter] and outside in both at the
[21:03] same time. What's beautiful about the
[21:06] word too is it it can't be turned into
[21:09] jargon because conversation involves a
[21:12] whole spectrum of meeting. Everything
[21:15] from just a chat around the water cooler
[21:18] in the office, you know, about what what
[21:20] your local team might have done. Yeah.
[21:23] Right. All the way through to a midnight
[21:26] life-changing conversation at your
[21:27] kitchen table. Yeah.
[21:30] And then the conversation with the world
[21:32] around you. So it it's a beautiful word
[21:34] in that it cannot be manipulated whereas
[21:37] dialogue is much more of a much more of
[21:40] a strategic word in a way. Yeah.
[21:44] So in fact it only involves two. Yeah.
[21:48] Whereas human beings in that they're
[21:50] always involved in multiple
[21:52] conversations at once.
[21:55] uh at many levels. So
[22:00] >> you can you can burst out into poetry at
[22:03] any point you'd like.
[22:04] >> There we go. Well, didn't stop me as
[22:06] they say [laughter]
[22:08] >> for the duration of this conversation
[22:09] and hopefully a friendship enduring
[22:11] after. Um I love it. So beautiful. Thank
[22:15] you for sharing. Uh mutual friend, uh
[22:18] Sam Harris, I heard him share that your
[22:20] voice is equal parts gravel and silk.
[22:23] [laughter] lovely.
[22:24] >> Which is a great compliment.
[22:25] >> That's very good.
[22:26] >> It rings true.
[22:27] >> Yeah. The uh so there's there's many
[22:31] things that come up both through the
[22:32] poem and what you shared before and
[22:34] after about how right now we live in a
[22:37] culture that is in many ways attention
[22:39] deficit. It's become a disorder and we
[22:42] see the loneliness, the anxiety that's
[22:45] uprising
[22:45] >> Yeah.
[22:46] >> correlated to or caused by
[22:48] >> by that. And I I suppose when you
[22:52] started off when saying, you know, the
[22:54] deeper you pay attention to to life,
[22:57] your identity changes. I think many of
[23:01] us have had a reference point of that to
[23:03] varying degrees where we're so limited
[23:05] in our own salopsyic gaze of life and
[23:08] what we want of life and in our own head
[23:10] and thought process and then we come
[23:13] into deeper intimacy with life. We pay
[23:15] deeper attention and that scope of
[23:16] context of our identity dissolves a bit.
[23:18] it expands a bit and as you share that
[23:21] progression, you know, with the exchange
[23:23] of the hawk can get to the point where
[23:26] the solidity of a self isn't as strong.
[23:29] You it actually goes away in the sight
[23:31] of a beautiful exchange. Now, this has
[23:35] also been informed by your contemplative
[23:37] practices, your understanding of this
[23:39] through the years. Could you give a bit
[23:40] of context for how Zen and then
[23:42] contemplative paths have, you know, come
[23:44] into your life?
[23:46] >> Yes.
[23:47] Well,
[23:49] I have um I have a very different
[23:53] perspective on Zen now than I might have
[23:57] uh couple of decades ago when I was in
[23:59] the midst of the practice
[24:01] uh inside Zen monasteries or in
[24:04] week-long sashines. Yeah. And uh I just
[24:10] see now how how it makes up a part of
[24:14] everyone's everyday life.
[24:17] It's really just about paying attention
[24:21] to things other than yourself so that
[24:24] the idea about yourself disappears
[24:28] and you can actually the only thing
[24:30] that's real is where you meet the world.
[24:33] Everything else is an abstract.
[24:36] And so the more of you that can meet the
[24:39] world, the more surface area you have,
[24:41] the more possibilities there are for
[24:44] things starting to happen. And I'm
[24:46] speaking about things practically
[24:48] happening too as well as as well as um
[24:52] metaphysically inside you. Yeah. that
[24:55] things start to move on your behalf
[24:58] because you are the world that's moving
[25:01] on your own behalf and you start to move
[25:04] actually on other people's behalf too.
[25:06] At the same time, you're participating
[25:09] in the world. You become actually more
[25:11] useful.
[25:12] So, I was I was actually involved with
[25:15] Zen before I'd even heard of the word. I
[25:17] spent a lot of time as a child out by
[25:20] myself in the woods and fields of of
[25:22] West Yorkshire
[25:24] and uh beautiful countryside around
[25:27] where I grew up. I hadn't really
[25:29] appreciated how beautiful it was until I
[25:31] was back again just a month or so ago on
[25:35] a glorious afternoon and uh I realized
[25:39] that many of my memories were not ideal
[25:41] idealistic at all. they were actually
[25:43] real and about the place I'd grown in
[25:46] and it was full of history. Uh it was
[25:48] full of far distances
[25:51] and I would spend a lot of time just
[25:54] walking and being being nourish
[25:57] nourished by those distances and those
[25:59] horizons, you know, the mos in the in
[26:01] the far off uh west
[26:05] and uh by the animals in the fields and
[26:08] by the wild birds in the hedges. Um so
[26:13] uh so
[26:16] when I went to university
[26:19] and um and and that time at university
[26:24] coincided with that time that every
[26:28] human being go through where they start
[26:31] to forget the immediate
[26:34] visions of childhood.
[26:37] We forget how astonishingly
[26:39] enlightened in a certain way we were as
[26:42] children in the way that we were we were
[26:46] in awe of the world. Yeah. And in awe of
[26:50] the way it invited us uh out of our out
[26:54] of the windows of the house that we grew
[26:56] grew up in. If you ever open the doors
[26:58] to children into a garden, the immediate
[27:00] thing they do is run into every corner
[27:02] [laughter] and explore. And it's a it's
[27:04] a representation of how they how they
[27:06] feel at their best.
[27:08] And uh when we get to 18, 19 or 20, we
[27:12] start to feel a kind of grief around
[27:16] losing that childish vision or it's
[27:19] really childhood vision. It's not
[27:21] childish. Yeah. And we have to start
[27:24] again in building it and and
[27:26] reestablishing
[27:28] it in our adult lives. Yeah.
[27:31] uh surrounded by the mature life of a of
[27:34] an adult human being. But to keep that I
[27:38] forget I think it was was it Huxley who
[27:41] said that uh that uh
[27:45] the ability for genius in adult life is
[27:48] to keep the primary vision of childhood
[27:51] alive into our adulthood. Yeah.
[27:54] And I think it's a very good
[27:56] description. So when I was at
[27:58] university, in order to try and uh you
[28:02] could say try and recall
[28:06] the the nourishment I'd felt in a child,
[28:09] I started to meditate
[28:12] and I started but I was just doing it
[28:14] from books at that at that time. There
[28:17] were there were no meditation groups in
[28:19] North Wales where I was at university
[28:21] studying marine zoologology. Uh there
[28:23] was no there were no Zen groups, but
[28:25] there were books and there was Alan
[28:27] Watts and uh who you might get on a on a
[28:32] uh on uh on the radio now and again.
[28:35] There weren't even tapes at that time.
[28:37] It was it was uh vinyl, you know, so you
[28:40] were lucky. uh but there there were Alan
[28:42] Watts books and there were other books
[28:46] uh by various Indian swamies and uh and
[28:50] Zen teachers and I started to read about
[28:52] them and I started to practice
[28:54] meditation but when I think back I was
[28:57] doing all kinds of weird and strange
[28:58] things and getting into all kinds of
[29:00] weird and strange places with my mind
[29:03] but it was a very good uh era of
[29:06] transformation
[29:08] and then eventually I did uh you find
[29:11] myself uh when I was in North America in
[29:14] the presence of good Zen teachers and
[29:16] and and then I started to take it more
[29:18] seriously and I started to do long Zen
[29:21] retreats and I started to sit every day
[29:23] at home. But eventually I was in a
[29:25] sasheen in Hawaii actually in the middle
[29:27] of the sasheen and I got to a physical
[29:32] place of awe and presence and that
[29:37] astonishing sense of uh being nourished
[29:41] by the world around me. Uh there was uh
[29:46] [clears throat] because we were all
[29:46] pretending to be Japanese uh there was
[29:49] no coffee in the in the session. Um, we
[29:53] were all drinking green tea, but someone
[29:55] in a neighboring house at 8:00 every
[29:57] morning put on a flask of cone of coffee
[30:00] and a few molecules of that molecules of
[30:03] that coffee would waft through the Zeno
[30:05] and I'd be sat there breathing this in
[30:08] and it I tell you it felt like the best
[30:10] cup of coffee in the world. On the first
[30:12] day I said, "Oh, that's like my morning
[30:14] cup of coffee." But on the fourth or
[30:16] fifth day, it was my coffee. It was so
[30:20] wonderful. and uh the aroma and the
[30:23] presence of it, you know, and a thirst
[30:25] being met by it. But in the middle of
[30:29] that session, I said, "Oh my god, this
[30:32] is what I actually experienced in
[30:34] Galapagus."
[30:36] I was spending so many hours in silence
[30:39] there day after day after day, month
[30:41] after month after month, you know, that
[30:44] I actually was practicing Zen before I
[30:47] even knew it. Yeah.
[30:49] So the ability to
[30:54] to
[30:55] you know it's uh you can get they call
[30:58] it in Zen they call it the stink of Zen
[31:02] which is where you know you're very
[31:04] proud of your black robes and how you
[31:05] can sit and you're so upright and you've
[31:07] got and you're in full lotus and the
[31:09] whole thing you're so great you know.
[31:11] >> Yeah.
[31:11] >> But uh it's really very simple.
[31:15] It's just being
[31:17] present. Yeah. There's a great moment
[31:20] where where the central Chinese
[31:23] authorities sent out this young hotshot
[31:26] theologian to straighten up all of these
[31:30] wild Zen monasteries, Chan they were
[31:32] called in China at that time, but it was
[31:34] a it was the predecessor to Zen in in in
[31:38] Japan. And so he's going from monastery
[31:40] to monastery trying to teach these guys
[31:43] proper Buddhist theology.
[31:46] And he but he's meeting these this wild
[31:49] presence in all of these teachers that's
[31:51] really doesn't follow any rules, doesn't
[31:54] follow any central theology, but he's
[31:56] just absolutely and utterly present.
[31:59] And he's slowly breaking down. He's
[32:02] slowly realizing that he has so many
[32:04] names for things and so many names of
[32:06] how things should be. He's like a
[32:08] fortress you that's just being broken
[32:10] down. Rilka the great German speaking
[32:13] poet has a line where he says all of you
[32:16] undisturbed cities haven't you ever
[32:18] longed for the enemy all of you
[32:20] undisturbed cities well human being you
[32:23] think of how we can so easily become
[32:25] undisturbed cities with 20ft walls
[32:27] around ourselves yeah and Rilki wrote
[32:30] those lines in northern Italy when he
[32:32] was looking at these Italian cities and
[32:34] they're so beautiful but then he
[32:35] suddenly realized oh my god they're all
[32:37] surrounded by huge walls they were all
[32:39] at each other's throats for years And he
[32:41] sees this as a representation of the way
[32:44] we can fall into this defensive mode.
[32:48] All of you undisturbed cities, haven't
[32:50] you ever longed for the enemy? I'd like
[32:53] to see you besieged by him for 10
[32:55] endless and ground shaking years until
[32:57] you were desperate and mad with
[32:59] suffering. Finally, in hunger, you would
[33:02] feel his weight. He lies outside the
[33:04] walls like a countryside, and he knows
[33:06] very well how to endure, longer than the
[33:10] ones he comes to visit. Climb up on your
[33:12] walls and look out. His camp is there.
[33:15] His morale does not falter. He will not
[33:17] grow weaker, and he sends no one into
[33:20] the city to threaten or promise, and no
[33:23] one to negotiate.
[33:25] He is the one who breaks down the walls,
[33:28] and when he works, he works in silence.
[33:32] While this young theologian had started
[33:35] to enter the silence that these Zen
[33:38] teachers carried with him, this wild
[33:40] silence and his edges, his walls were
[33:43] breaking down.
[33:45] And uh and finally he gets to this very
[33:50] very well-known Zen master, Tisan, his
[33:53] name, and uh Tisan's heard about him
[33:57] going from monastery to monastery. He's
[33:58] there at the gate to welcome him. And
[34:01] and as he's approaching, he says,
[34:03] "You're welcome." He says, "Where are
[34:05] you going?" And the young theologian
[34:08] says, "Oh my god, I'm not sure.
[34:10] [laughter]
[34:11] Don't know anymore."
[34:13] And he and he says, "Where are you
[34:17] going?" And he says, "I'm going on
[34:19] pilgrimage." That's what he says. Yeah.
[34:22] And uh and te and and and teas and says
[34:26] uh what is a pilgrimage?
[34:29] And the man finally gives up. He says I
[34:32] don't know what a pilgrimage is. And Tan
[34:36] says uh marvelous. He says not knowing
[34:40] is most intimate.
[34:43] This is a very great coan in the Zen
[34:45] tradition. If you understand this, you
[34:48] understand a lot about what you have to
[34:51] give up,
[34:52] >> what you have to undo.
[34:55] So when we're talking about language
[34:57] that's nourishing and words that are
[34:59] nourishing, they should come from a
[35:00] place of undoing.
[35:04] Uh where you've given up
[35:09] trying to use language as ammunition.
[35:14] you've given up trying to use language
[35:17] to control.
[35:20] You look at the way in intimate
[35:22] relationships, so-called intimate
[35:24] relationships, the way we can use
[35:25] language to try and control the other
[35:27] person.
[35:29] Uh or where we're trying to throw our
[35:31] voice into the other person's body like
[35:32] a ventriloquist, you know, have them say
[35:34] what you want and they're not
[35:36] cooperating. They're not saying what you
[35:37] want them to say. Yeah. So no, we give
[35:42] up that we enter the silence from which
[35:46] real speech can come
[35:50] and then there's a possibility of
[35:51] something
[35:53] real happening. So I should create a
[35:56] little silence now so we can you can say
[35:59] something. [laughter]
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[37:02] There is something that I appreciate
[37:04] though in the way that you speak as
[37:06] though it's informed by silence.
[37:09] So I think that the way that the the
[37:11] poetry that you share and the pros that
[37:13] you share um to me
[37:16] >> I think there is for at least what I
[37:18] feel is an attunement
[37:20] >> to that place uh of not knowing.
[37:23] >> Yes. It's very clear when someone's
[37:24] rehearsing or reciting something that
[37:26] was passed down to them as opposed to an
[37:29] authentic discovery. Um, it's as if it's
[37:32] as surprising to you as it would be
[37:34] someone else.
[37:35] >> Yes. Yeah. There's a glorious moment in
[37:37] Irish mythology where Finn Mcool and his
[37:41] warrior followers, the Fienna, were uh
[37:44] were out and they were resting after
[37:46] their heroic endeavors, you know, in the
[37:50] wilds of Ireland. and and they decide to
[37:53] have a a a competition as to uh who can
[37:57] describe the finest music in the world.
[37:59] Yeah. And so someone says it's the it's
[38:02] the sound
[38:04] of your wife's voice welcoming you home,
[38:07] you know. And another says it's the
[38:09] sound of a of a stag belling at the end
[38:13] of the valley here. It's the sound of
[38:16] rain falling after a long drought. It's
[38:20] the sound of the breeze in the birch
[38:23] leaves. Yeah. It goes on and on. And
[38:26] then they turn to Finn and they say say,
[38:28] "What's your contribution?"
[38:31] And he he says, "The finest music in the
[38:35] world is the music of what happens."
[38:39] The music of what happens. M. So
[38:45] I think [snorts]
[38:47] so much of what it means to be intimate
[38:49] with life is
[38:52] to be intimate with what happens and not
[38:54] just through the limited narration of
[38:57] top- down phenomena. Um, and the way
[39:01] that you speak to this about attention
[39:03] also I think mutual love of Sir Ian
[39:04] McGill's kind of work on on attentional
[39:08] systems as well is very is very
[39:10] fascinating here. I've heard you
[39:12] describe poetry as trying to overhear
[39:14] yourself saying things you didn't know
[39:16] you knew.
[39:17] >> Yes.
[39:19] >> And
[39:21] first actually, would you care to
[39:22] elaborate on that at all? Cuz for you,
[39:24] you've created these spaces. Yeah.
[39:27] >> Yes. It's the act of actually
[39:29] overhearing yourself say things you
[39:32] didn't know you knew. And for me that
[39:35] comes from what feels like a physical
[39:37] edge or frontier inside myself.
[39:41] Um almost you could use the metaphor of
[39:44] mining where you're following a seam and
[39:46] it's at that edge the seam where the
[39:49] rich richness lies. But that metaphor
[39:51] breaks down also. It's uh it's this um
[39:54] physical sense inside myself of an edge
[40:00] uh from which the the words arise
[40:03] actually as I'm as I'm working
[40:07] and uh and
[40:10] so for instance
[40:13] many years ago I wrote a little piece on
[40:15] grief it's called the well of grief but
[40:19] I wrote it at a time when I was a very
[40:21] serious young poet and uh and I was
[40:24] seriously involved with the men's
[40:26] movement too uh headed at that time by
[40:29] Robert Bllee in in North America in the
[40:32] in the early '90s and uh Robert Bllee
[40:36] was into grief in an enormous way. Yeah.
[40:39] Uh that was his that was the be all and
[40:43] end all of his work for quite a few
[40:44] years and it was rightfully so. Yeah.
[40:47] There was a lot to that young men
[40:49] especially were not working with around
[40:51] their father's grief that had been
[40:53] passed down to them and the inab
[40:56] inability to articulate that grief. But
[40:58] when I started the poem the the well the
[41:01] well of grief I I had the idea I was
[41:05] going to write a long epic on grief.
[41:08] This was going to be my big poem. Uh
[41:12] uh but I started in and the [snorts]
[41:14] lines are those who will not slip
[41:16] beneath the still surface on the well of
[41:18] grief. Turning down turning down through
[41:21] its black water to the place we cannot
[41:24] breathe. We'll never know the source
[41:26] from which we drink. the secret water
[41:30] cold and clear, nor find in the darkness
[41:34] glimmering the small round coins thrown
[41:37] by those who wished for something else.
[41:42] And the poem came to an end much sooner
[41:46] than [laughter] I wanted it to. And what
[41:49] happened in the poem as I was dropping
[41:51] down, this is an illustration of of the
[41:53] kind of physical edge that I
[41:55] >> Yeah. that I feel is as I was dropping
[41:59] down through the waters and it and often
[42:01] grief does feel like a deep well into
[42:04] which you're a depth into which you're
[42:07] sometimes drowning, sometimes falling,
[42:10] sometimes swimming, sometimes
[42:12] disappearing.
[42:14] I suddenly saw these gold coins on the
[42:17] bottom of the well
[42:20] and my strategic mind that wanted to
[42:23] write the the long serious young man's
[42:27] poem on grief that would establish my
[42:30] reputation
[42:32] said don't look at those coins
[42:35] I'm writing a long poem on grief and if
[42:38] you look at those poems the poem will
[42:40] come to an end it was only afterwards
[42:42] that I realized that's what that voice
[42:44] said. But it all happens in a
[42:45] millisecond. Here in the Zen tradition
[42:48] that phenomena is called a nen ne
[42:51] where where you have just the beginning
[42:54] of a thought, not even the whole thing.
[42:56] Yeah. But the so the nan was all about
[42:59] don't look. Yeah.
[43:00] >> And later you can elaborate what he was
[43:02] saying, but it was there. Don't look.
[43:05] You're doing something. But I I knew I
[43:09] had to turn my face back because that
[43:11] was the frontier. That was the edge. You
[43:13] know, Cridge and Keats talked about the
[43:16] imagination, the primary imagination as
[43:19] the ability to form an image or a
[43:21] tonality inside yourself that would make
[43:23] sense of all of the images and
[43:25] tonalities that you surrounded by.
[43:28] That's the primary imagination. It's not
[43:30] the ability to think up new things. They
[43:33] would have called that the secondary
[43:35] imagination or the fancy as they called
[43:37] it romantic times. Yeah. around 1800 AD.
[43:41] So
[43:43] my the imagination
[43:47] uh and Keat said I am certain of nothing
[43:50] but the holiness of the heart's
[43:52] affections and the truth of the
[43:54] imagination.
[43:56] I am certain of nothing but the holiness
[43:58] of the heart's affections and the
[44:01] holiness of the heart's affections and
[44:04] the truth of the imagination. The truth
[44:06] lay in those images there. So I turned
[44:09] my face back and of course what I
[44:12] realized was I had thrown those coins
[44:15] down myself.
[44:17] And if you go to any body of water
[44:19] around the world that human beings are
[44:21] around, you'll find coins in it. Even in
[44:23] a mall, if you see a fountain, you'll
[44:25] see people have thrown coins in it. Uh
[44:27] [clears throat]
[44:28] it's this ancient propricious
[44:31] activity. And the hope is if you throw
[44:35] something valuable down into the well of
[44:37] grief, you yourself will not have to go
[44:39] down.
[44:42] And we throw all we throw not just
[44:44] coins, we will throw marriages down
[44:45] there. We'll throw relationships,
[44:49] friendships, you know, anything. But
[44:52] face the grief.
[44:54] Those who will not slip beneath the
[44:57] still surface on the well of grief.
[44:59] turning down, turning down through its
[45:02] black water to the place we cannot
[45:03] breathe.
[45:05] We'll never know the source from which
[45:07] we drink. The secret water cold and
[45:11] clear, nor find in the darkness
[45:14] glimmering, the small round coins thrown
[45:18] thrown by those who wished for something
[45:21] else.
[45:25] So that's uh that's the place from which
[45:29] poetry is written. You know, it's that
[45:32] unspoken
[45:34] imagery, tonality, invitation.
[45:38] You're going to find out when you get
[45:39] down there, you know, in the ancient
[45:41] poem Bearwolf, which is the oldest poem
[45:44] in the English language. It's so old,
[45:45] it's prototypical. It's Anglo-Saxon,
[45:47] actually. But they after Bearwolf has
[45:51] defeated Grenle, the monster on the
[45:53] surface,
[45:55] something else comes out of the lake
[45:57] 2:00 in the morning, fights off the
[45:59] guards at the great hall, makes its way
[46:02] and carries off young men and women back
[46:06] into the swamp into the lake where it
[46:08] eats them. Yeah.
[46:11] And uh um Bearwolf then has to go down
[46:15] into the lake to confront Grenle's
[46:19] mother down in the lake. Yeah.
[46:22] >> So this is uh all of these uh these
[46:27] poetic representations give you they're
[46:30] not just stories made up. They're
[46:32] physical representations of a place
[46:35] where you have to go.
[46:38] >> You are bearwolf here.
[46:40] You are the young man and woman who's
[46:42] been carried off into the swamp and
[46:44] eaten alive by unresolved grief here.
[46:49] You will have to go down into the lake.
[46:52] But the poem also tells you how
[46:53] difficult it is. It's very
[46:54] compassionate. It says, "A stag hunted
[46:57] through the woods by packs of hounds.
[47:01] A deer hunted through the woods by packs
[47:03] of hounds. A stag with great horns,
[47:06] though driven through the forest from
[47:08] far away places, refuses to save its
[47:11] life in that water, prefers to die on
[47:15] that shore. It is not far from here, nor
[47:19] is it a pleasant spot.
[47:22] See, the English were into
[47:23] understatement even 1500 years ago.
[47:26] [laughter]
[47:28] So
[47:30] the ability to understand that
[47:35] poetry is a fierce embodiment
[47:39] of the great journey of life that we're
[47:42] all on. Yeah. So it's no wonder that
[47:46] that we keep poetry at bay actually and
[47:49] that is taught so badly in schools. If
[47:52] you ever give a poem to a young person
[47:54] in a classroom, they will always recite
[47:57] it in an incredibly wooden voice. And
[48:00] actually, I think that's right because
[48:04] they are in a sense in a backward way
[48:08] acknowledging how sacred the poem is.
[48:10] Yeah. They understand intuitively
[48:13] that there's something that
[48:17] should not be brought out in the light
[48:21] of day in a way that narrows it,
[48:26] that diminishes it. Yeah. And they've
[48:28] just been given this piece of sacred
[48:33] text to read just as an academic
[48:36] exercise. Yeah. Unless the teacher is
[48:39] brilliant. Unless he's got the same
[48:41] genius as the text has. Yeah. The child
[48:45] is right not to participate.
[48:49] >> We intuitively understand how poetry is.
[48:52] Often
[48:53] uh we will even you know the most
[48:56] strategic engineer when they lose
[49:00] someone close to them in their life and
[49:02] they're asked to speak at a memorial
[49:04] service they will instinctively look for
[49:06] poetry even though they may not have
[49:09] read a line of poetry for years.
[49:12] We instinctively say even
[49:15] looking at a football match, you know, a
[49:18] football uh game, uh we'll say it was
[49:21] poetry in motion, someone's genius move
[49:25] down the it's about the ineffable. It's
[49:28] about what cannot be touched but must be
[49:31] touched through language, through
[49:34] embodiment, you know, through running
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[50:42] Since we're here, uh, we had a couple
[50:44] friends and colleagues of yours send in
[50:48] a couple questions. One that I think is
[50:50] very fitting here because I think you
[50:53] speak of heartbreak as potentially the
[50:55] only unavoidable unavoidable aspect of
[50:58] life. Like we will repeatedly through
[51:01] any long marriage, through any
[51:04] >> true vocation meet that meet that aspect
[51:07] of reality. Um, I saw on the cover of
[51:10] constellations, Liz Gilbert.
[51:12] >> Yes.
[51:12] >> Shared um, keep this book by your
[51:15] bedside forever. We just had her on the
[51:17] podcast. I messaged her and asked if she
[51:19] would send in a question and she did.
[51:21] So, she said,
[51:22] >> "O,
[51:23] >> I have a question for him about his
[51:25] grief
[51:26] >> over the loss of his friend John
[51:28] Odonahu."
[51:29] >> Yeah. I feel as I heard an interview
[51:31] with David years ago where he said that
[51:33] you grieve somebody and it feels like
[51:35] falling into a void and you fall and you
[51:37] fall and you fall until you finally
[51:39] touch ground on the thing that you
[51:41] finally find within you that you had
[51:43] always found within them. You have to
[51:46] sort of become yourself what they used
[51:47] to be for you and that's the beginning
[51:50] of moving out of grieving. So my
[51:52] question would be, what was that thing,
[51:55] that essence that John brought to
[51:57] David's life that he had to find within
[51:59] himself after John died?
[52:02] >> I think I think it had to do with a a
[52:05] wild inhabitation of
[52:09] uh both his body and the language that
[52:12] came out of his body. He had a bird of
[52:14] paradise
[52:16] uh vocabulary and he was fluent and
[52:20] funny in English, Irish and
[52:24] philosophical German actually.
[52:26] [laughter]
[52:27] He was and he was just a wild character.
[52:31] >> And he'd walk into a room and it would
[52:32] feel as if the lights brightened, you
[52:34] know, and he was constantly making loud
[52:37] sounds out of nowhere. Would whoop, you
[52:40] know, when he passed away and died
[52:41] suddenly. I said, "Right, I'm going to
[52:43] whoop more." John, you know, I don't
[52:46] whoop anywhere near as well as he did,
[52:48] but he was go whoop, you in the middle
[52:50] of [laughter]
[52:52] But yes. Uh so um one of the things I
[52:56] always
[52:57] loved about John and admired and when I
[53:00] was younger felt a little jealous of was
[53:03] his ability to just drop everything and
[53:08] and speak to something really powerful
[53:10] in a moment. So walking out in the
[53:13] landscape for instance, you know, so 30
[53:16] years ago he could do that incredible. I
[53:19] couldn't I I needed more of a ritual
[53:21] space, you I needed uh a stage. I needed
[53:25] a room. I needed a place. I needed the
[53:27] whole teos created for me to do it. And
[53:32] uh and uh so I started when he went I
[53:36] started to apprentice myself to to just
[53:39] getting into it wherever I was. Yeah.
[53:42] And now what's wonderful and I feel as
[53:45] if John's in with me, you know, kind of
[53:48] companion in my own physical body. I can
[53:51] do it just as well as he did now.
[53:53] >> And that's part of the apprenticeship to
[53:57] the relationship in a way. I have a a
[54:00] walking tour I do in Japan on the
[54:02] Nekasendo Trail. And the Japanese have
[54:05] almost no public spaces in their
[54:08] villages or in their little Rioans,
[54:11] their little their little u uh medieval
[54:15] ins.
[54:18] So I have to give all the talks uh on
[54:21] temple steps by a waterfall on a bridge
[54:24] under a tree everyone with their
[54:26] umbrellas up the rain falling and
[54:28] [clears throat] I love it. I totally
[54:30] love it. Whereas a good few decades ago
[54:33] it would have been it would have been a
[54:35] real challenge for me to do that. So I
[54:39] do think that when someone passes away
[54:43] who is close to you, you uh actually
[54:49] enter the relationship at a another
[54:52] deeper level. There are certain
[54:55] constraints
[54:56] which
[54:58] um physical incarnation actually placed
[55:01] upon you.
[55:03] There's also a strange intuition that
[55:07] they
[55:09] have a deeper form of wisdom on the
[55:12] other side of that veil. Whether it's
[55:14] true or not, we don't know, but you feel
[55:16] it. And that's just as true. And they
[55:19] have a bigger perspective.
[55:22] And that they they've gotten over many
[55:24] of their flaws by by having gone by
[55:28] being dead. [laughter]
[55:31] they've gotten over many of their flaws
[55:33] that got in the way of the conversation.
[55:35] >> Yeah.
[55:36] >> And so the relationship is allowed to
[55:40] mature
[55:41] in a way in which uh it accelerates in a
[55:46] maturation that was with you while you
[55:48] were alive together but also enters
[55:51] territory that it couldn't enter when
[55:54] you were both breathing the same air.
[55:57] So uh so I felt that very much with
[56:00] John. I felt it I still feel him at my
[56:02] side actually.
[56:04] And it's still really a puzzle as to why
[56:08] he left because he loved life so much.
[56:12] When he went I said God I said the
[56:13] Guinness better be good in in heaven
[56:16] because
[56:19] if you said to him will you have a pint?
[56:20] He said I will. I'd love a pint. He
[56:22] never was neutral about anything you
[56:24] know. Would you have a lamb lamb chop?
[56:26] I'll take three, he'd say. [laughter]
[56:30] So [clears throat] I think he'd be the
[56:32] only person who'd be homesick in heaven
[56:35] for [laughter]
[56:36] for this life. Yeah.
[56:38] >> Yeah.
[56:38] >> So it was a real puzzle when he when he
[56:41] left. And I did feel as if he'd passed a
[56:45] baton to me and I needed to carry some
[56:47] of that energy that he'd had himself.
[56:49] And I was an I've been an apprentice to
[56:51] that energy that he held in his life.
[56:55] We're talking about John Adonahu here.
[56:57] Great u he was a priest for 17 years. Uh
[57:00] but he was a speaker. He was a student
[57:03] of German philosophy. U [clears throat]
[57:06] uh most uh specifically the great uh the
[57:10] great German Dominican mystic Meister
[57:13] Echart who lived in the 13th century at
[57:16] the same time as Dan Zenji lived in
[57:18] Japan. So he was and he was just uh a
[57:22] really remark and he was someone who was
[57:25] uh lived uh as poor as a church mouse as
[57:29] a priest for so many years and then
[57:31] suddenly had worldwide fame through his
[57:34] through his uh his book uh Anamara
[57:37] looking at the soul of the Celtic world.
[57:40] >> I gave that book to my agent at the time
[57:44] in manuscript
[57:46] and said you have to publish this. It's
[57:48] John's John Adoni who he said, "I've
[57:50] never heard of John Odon." "No, it's a
[57:51] he's a great speaker. He's a friend of
[57:53] mine." He read it. He said, "I can't get
[57:55] it. I don't get it. It [clears throat]
[57:56] just doesn't do it for me." I said,
[57:58] "You're mad." He [laughter] said he
[58:00] said, "I'm sorry. I'm not I'm not going
[58:02] to put it out." So anyway,
[58:05] >> whoops.
[58:05] >> About about two months later, John got a
[58:09] million dollar advance in those days
[58:11] when you did get advances.
[58:13] And my agent
[58:16] calls me up and says, "Anything you
[58:19] recognize me [laughter] in the future,
[58:23] I will take sight unseen. I'm an idiot,"
[58:26] he said. So John was precipitated
[58:29] suddenly into into this kind of fame.
[58:33] Yeah. and uh and I got to walk alongside
[58:37] him as we as we uh as he explored that
[58:42] notoriety. I was well I was more known
[58:45] than him at that time. So we were able
[58:47] to help each other and he's I I feel
[58:49] that we're still I hope I'm helping him
[58:51] as as much as he's helping me anyway
[58:54] now.
[58:56] and and Anam car or soul friend. He
[58:59] >> Yeah.
[58:59] >> says that the that the soul friend or
[59:02] that Anam car is the one that sees you
[59:03] without a mask. What do you think he saw
[59:06] in you that no one else did?
[59:09] >> Well, we did call ourselves brothers. Uh
[59:12] it was almost as if we were separated at
[59:14] birth as they say. Yeah. And we were
[59:17] born just uh just uh a month apart
[59:20] actually.
[59:22] So he in the west of Ireland, me in the
[59:24] west of Yorkshire, both of Irish mothers
[59:27] and our whole
[59:30] kind of unspoken instinctual theology
[59:32] was around belonging
[59:35] and around the power of words and uh and
[59:40] around poetry.
[59:42] So I I think he saw a different version
[59:46] of himself
[59:48] and he also saw me as further along the
[59:51] path that he wanted to take as far as
[59:53] being in the world, being known for my
[59:56] work and making a living from it.
[59:59] Uh but we also just got on in the pub in
[1:00:02] conversation, laughter, all we used to
[1:00:04] have these weekends together where we
[1:00:06] would uh
[1:00:07] >> we would stay at a a lovely country
[1:00:10] house in the Irish or English
[1:00:12] countryside and we'd just go at it
[1:00:16] talking with each other, pushing each
[1:00:18] other theologically and psychologically
[1:00:20] and emotionally quite often. would
[1:00:23] sometimes fall out, but we made a rule
[1:00:25] we had to make up before we left the
[1:00:27] [snorts] the left weekend and we'd walk
[1:00:29] too and then we'd eat and drink and just
[1:00:32] have a great old time together. So,
[1:00:34] there are very few people who you can
[1:00:36] have that kind of chemistry with
[1:00:39] and uh and uh very few people who
[1:00:44] um who [snorts]
[1:00:46] breathe the same air as you during your
[1:00:48] lifetime. So you have to
[1:00:52] but then again
[1:00:54] a friendship like that teaches you that
[1:00:57] it's always a possibility
[1:01:00] and therefore you need to be alert
[1:01:03] to possible depths of friendship that
[1:01:07] don't seem to be present on first
[1:01:09] meeting.
[1:01:12] I think many people would look at your
[1:01:14] life, your work, his life, his work, and
[1:01:18] be inspired for what seems like the
[1:01:20] outside in a incredibly aligned,
[1:01:23] purpose-driven
[1:01:25] life where you are living in your
[1:01:27] genius, you know, and so I'd like to
[1:01:31] speak a bit about ambition and, you
[1:01:34] know, your work uh crossing the unknown
[1:01:36] sea. And um perhaps we could start with
[1:01:39] ambition, the piece, the essay itself.
[1:01:42] >> Yes,
[1:01:51] I was very surprised when uh
[1:01:55] Steven Spielberg read the book and said
[1:01:58] that ambition was his favorite essay
[1:02:00] because it really takes apart ambition.
[1:02:03] And there's someone who you'd think
[1:02:05] >> would be the acme of ambition.
[1:02:07] [laughter]
[1:02:08] >> So um yeah there's something that
[1:02:13] ambition does not do for us. Yeah. The
[1:02:15] understanding of ambition.
[1:02:18] Um we don't understand all the ways
[1:02:21] we're being looked after by greater
[1:02:23] forces than our than ones we can muster
[1:02:26] ourselves. Yeah.
[1:02:28] Um so this is this is ambition.
[1:02:33] Ambition is a word that lacks any real
[1:02:37] ambition. Ambition is a word that lacks
[1:02:40] any real ambition. Ambition is desire
[1:02:43] frozen. The current of a vocational life
[1:02:46] immobilized and over concretized to set
[1:02:51] unforgiving goals.
[1:02:54] Ambition may be essential for the young
[1:02:56] and as yet unrealized life but becomes
[1:03:00] the essential obstacle of any mature
[1:03:04] life.
[1:03:06] Ambition abstracts us from the
[1:03:07] underlying elemental nature of the
[1:03:09] creative conversation while providing us
[1:03:12] the cover of a target that has become
[1:03:14] false through overdescription,
[1:03:17] overfamiliarity
[1:03:19] or too much understanding.
[1:03:22] The ease of having an ambition is that
[1:03:26] it can be explained to others. The very
[1:03:28] disease of ambition is that it can be so
[1:03:32] easily explained to others. What is
[1:03:35] worthy of a life's dedication
[1:03:38] does not want to be known by us in ways
[1:03:41] that diminish its actual sense of
[1:03:43] presence. What is worthy of a life's
[1:03:47] dedication
[1:03:48] does not want to be known by us in ways
[1:03:51] that diminish its actual sense of
[1:03:53] presence.
[1:03:54] Everything true to itself has its own
[1:03:58] secret language and an internal
[1:04:00] intentionality
[1:04:02] with an equally secret surprising flow
[1:04:06] even to the person who supposedly puts
[1:04:08] it all in motion.
[1:04:11] Ambition ultimately withers all secrets
[1:04:15] in its glare before those secrets have
[1:04:18] had time to come to life with from
[1:04:20] within and then thwarts the generosity
[1:04:23] and maturity that ripens the discourse
[1:04:26] of a lifetime's dedication to a work. We
[1:04:29] may direct the beam of ambition to
[1:04:32] illuminate a certain corner of the
[1:04:33] future world, but ultimately it can
[1:04:36] reveal to us only those dreams with
[1:04:39] which we have already become familiar.
[1:04:43] Ambition left to itself like the
[1:04:47] identity of the average billionaire
[1:04:49] always becomes tedious. Its only object
[1:04:53] the creation of larger and larger
[1:04:56] empires of control. But a true vocation
[1:04:59] calls us out beyond ourselves, breaks
[1:05:01] our heart in the process, and then
[1:05:04] humbles, simplifies, and enlightens us
[1:05:06] about the hidden core nature of the work
[1:05:09] that enticed us in the first place.
[1:05:13] But a true vocation calls us out beyond
[1:05:16] ourselves, breaks our heart in the
[1:05:19] process and then humbles, simplifies and
[1:05:23] enlightens us about the hidden core
[1:05:26] nature of the work that enticed us into
[1:05:29] it in the first place.
[1:05:32] We find that all along we had what we
[1:05:36] needed from the beginning and and that
[1:05:39] in the end we have returned to its
[1:05:41] essence. An essence we could not
[1:05:44] understand until we had experienced the
[1:05:48] actual heartbreak of the journey.
[1:05:52] No matter the self-conceited importance
[1:05:54] of our labors, we are all compost for
[1:05:58] worlds we cannot yet to imagine.
[1:06:01] We're all compost for worlds. Worlds we
[1:06:04] cannot yet imagine. Ambition takes us
[1:06:07] toward that horizon but not over it.
[1:06:11] That line will always recede before our
[1:06:14] controlling hands. But a calling is a
[1:06:18] conversation between our physical
[1:06:19] bodies, our work, our intellects and
[1:06:22] imaginations and a new world that is
[1:06:26] itself the territory we seek. A vocation
[1:06:30] always includes the specific
[1:06:33] heart-rending way we will fail at our
[1:06:37] attempt to live it fully.
[1:06:41] A vocation always includes the specific
[1:06:46] heart-rening way we will fail at our
[1:06:48] attempt to live fully. Her true vocation
[1:06:51] always metamorphoses both ambition and
[1:06:55] failure into compassion and
[1:06:58] understanding for others.
[1:07:02] Ambition takes willpower and constant
[1:07:06] applications of energy to stay on the
[1:07:09] perceived bearing. But a s but a serious
[1:07:13] vocational calling demands a constant
[1:07:16] attention to the unknown gravitational
[1:07:18] field that surrounds us and from which
[1:07:20] we recharge ourselves as if breathing
[1:07:23] from the atmosphere of possibility
[1:07:25] itself.
[1:07:27] A life's work is not a series of
[1:07:29] stepping stones onto which we calmly
[1:07:32] place our feet, but more like an ocean
[1:07:35] crossing where there's no path, only a
[1:07:38] heading, a direction in conversation
[1:07:41] with the elements. Looking back, we see
[1:07:44] the wake we have left as only a brief
[1:07:47] glimmering trace on the waters.
[1:07:50] Ambition is natural to the first steps
[1:07:52] of youth who must experience its
[1:07:54] essential falsity to know the larger
[1:07:57] reality that stands behind it. But held
[1:08:00] on to too long and especially in
[1:08:03] eldership, it always comes to lack
[1:08:06] surprise, turns the last years of the
[1:08:08] ambitious into a second childhood and
[1:08:12] makes the once successful into an object
[1:08:14] of pity.
[1:08:17] The authentic watermark
[1:08:20] running through the background of a
[1:08:22] life's work is an arrival at generosity.
[1:08:26] And as a mark of that generosity,
[1:08:29] delight in the hopes of the young.
[1:08:32] Delight in the hopes of the young. And
[1:08:34] the giving away to them not only of
[1:08:36] rewards that may have been earned, but
[1:08:38] the reward in the secret itself. The
[1:08:41] core artistry that made the journey a
[1:08:44] journey.
[1:08:46] Perhaps the greatest legacy we can leave
[1:08:48] from our work is not to instill ambition
[1:08:51] in others. Though this may be the first
[1:08:54] way we describe its arrival in our life,
[1:08:57] but the passing on of a sense of sheer
[1:09:01] privilege of having found a road, a way
[1:09:06] to follow, and then having been allowed
[1:09:09] to walk it often with others with all
[1:09:12] its difficulties and minor triumphs. The
[1:09:15] underlying primary gift of having been
[1:09:18] both a witness to and a full participant
[1:09:22] in the conversation,
[1:09:29] ambition.
[1:09:31] >> There's a lot there. There's a lot
[1:09:34] there. Yeah,
[1:09:34] >> there's a lot there to chew on. Yeah.
[1:09:36] >> Yeah.
[1:09:37] >> It's one of my favorite as well.
[1:09:38] >> The last lines um made me think of a
[1:09:42] little tiny little
[1:09:44] Haiku poem I wrote for beginning a
[1:09:46] pilgrimage actually which is uh called
[1:09:49] for the road to Santiago.
[1:09:51] >> Santiago being the goal of the of that
[1:09:54] very fashionable pilgrimage in northern
[1:09:57] Spain that everyone seems to be doing at
[1:10:00] the moment. And so it's for the road to
[1:10:03] Santiago.
[1:10:04] Don't make new declarations about what
[1:10:07] to bring and what to leave behind. Just
[1:10:11] bring what you have. Just bring what you
[1:10:13] have. You're always going that way
[1:10:16] anyway. You were always going that way
[1:10:19] all along.
[1:10:21] >> You're always going that way anyway.
[1:10:24] You're always going that way all along.
[1:10:29] >> This uh I think to anyone who sincerely
[1:10:32] sits with it becomes nourishment. It
[1:10:35] really becomes sustenance for someone on
[1:10:37] a path where at times, especially
[1:10:41] the capacity we have for comparison of
[1:10:43] other people's journeys in the day and
[1:10:45] age we live in
[1:10:46] >> feel like we're not living the life we
[1:10:49] were somehow set out to. And
[1:10:52] >> um we feel lost, you know, at times. And
[1:10:55] this uh this particular line of a true
[1:10:59] vocation calls us out beyond ourselves,
[1:11:03] breaks our heart in the process and then
[1:11:05] humbles, simplifies and enlightens us
[1:11:08] about the hidden core nature of the work
[1:11:10] that enticed us in the first place. I
[1:11:13] certainly resonate so much with that and
[1:11:15] I'm curious for you to share a bit more
[1:11:18] about the
[1:11:19] >> unknown and the uncertainty that is
[1:11:22] actually a quality of your true path
[1:11:24] >> and the heartbreak that you will likely
[1:11:27] find down the road.
[1:11:29] >> Well, the amazing thing is you've often
[1:11:31] in order to find your path, you've to
[1:11:33] say no to a lot of paths that are not
[1:11:37] that path even though you haven't yet
[1:11:40] found your path.
[1:11:42] And there's something very powerful
[1:11:44] about the way know opens up the unknown
[1:11:48] and uh and the ability for recognition
[1:11:54] even when you haven't recognition. You
[1:11:57] haven't recognition yet of what the path
[1:11:59] is. You do often recognize what the path
[1:12:03] is not.
[1:12:05] And adolescents often feel this in a
[1:12:07] very very powerful way. teenagers. Yeah.
[1:12:10] They long for something, but they're
[1:12:13] surrounded by things that are not it.
[1:12:15] Yeah. And and it's one of the reasons
[1:12:17] adolescence are so difficult to please.
[1:12:19] Yeah. But it's a core necessity of
[1:12:23] taking the road forward. Yeah. So for
[1:12:26] instance when I was in my last year at
[1:12:28] university
[1:12:30] and I was coming to the completion of my
[1:12:33] degree in marine zoologology which
[1:12:35] originally had been inspired and
[1:12:38] instigated by the vision of Jacqu
[1:12:40] Kustoau the great French marine
[1:12:42] zoologologist who had sailed across our
[1:12:45] our little television set and and uh on
[1:12:50] the good ship Calypso exploring the
[1:12:51] oceans of the world. You know, when I
[1:12:53] was 13 years old, I couldn't believe
[1:12:55] there was work in the world like this.
[1:12:57] You know, you could actually do
[1:12:59] something like this as a vocation. I
[1:13:02] felt this incredible longing to be out
[1:13:04] there. But I didn't know how I would get
[1:13:08] onto the bridge of the good ship Calypso
[1:13:10] down wearing the scuba d the gear that
[1:13:13] Jacque actually invented you back in the
[1:13:16] 50s. And um but I followed the nearest
[1:13:20] path I could which was getting a degree
[1:13:22] in marine zoologology. I had to give up
[1:13:24] say no to all my art subjects which were
[1:13:27] much easier for me and put myself into
[1:13:29] the salt mines of biology, chemistry and
[1:13:32] physics which I had to work twice as
[1:13:34] hard at you know as my scientifically
[1:13:38] uh inclined
[1:13:40] friends. Yeah. And uh so but eventually
[1:13:44] I was I I I was uh I got my degree in
[1:13:50] marine zoologology
[1:13:52] and uh uh right at that time I made this
[1:13:57] very serious young man's vow not to
[1:14:01] apply for a job in marine zoolology.
[1:14:04] Now why was I doing that? because my
[1:14:07] friends weren't even getting answers to
[1:14:10] uh from from uh jobs that they'd applied
[1:14:14] for. They weren't even getting the
[1:14:16] interviews here. And the jobs that were
[1:14:20] available were really quite tedious, you
[1:14:22] know, looking down a m microscope at
[1:14:24] Plankton, working for a government
[1:14:26] agency in the western ales of Scotland
[1:14:29] somewhere in a little lab, you know, not
[1:14:31] going out into the sea itself. So in
[1:14:34] order to protect myself, you know, I
[1:14:37] wouldn't have said this at the time, but
[1:14:38] I see it now. I made a vow saying I'm
[1:14:42] not going to apply for any job and I was
[1:14:43] going to go off to India, which is what
[1:14:45] everyone did at that time. And I was
[1:14:46] going to go on a spiritual pilgrimage to
[1:14:48] India.
[1:14:50] And uh so I was in the midst of it. I
[1:14:54] said no to it, put it all aside.
[1:14:57] And then I went to see my then
[1:15:00] girlfriend who lived on the other side
[1:15:02] of the mountains. And I hardly saw her
[1:15:03] because I'd been studying non-stop for 6
[1:15:05] months for my finals.
[1:15:08] And um and she lived in a remote
[1:15:11] farmhouse in a communal
[1:15:13] communal setup. And uh so I decided I'd
[1:15:18] go over and see her. There was no
[1:15:19] telephone over there, so I just had to
[1:15:20] take my chances. And I hitchhiked around
[1:15:22] the mountains. And uh and I got dropped
[1:15:26] off at the bottom of this looming uh
[1:15:29] atmospheric valley called Kum Penant.
[1:15:32] And Kum Penant was known for witchcraft
[1:15:34] actually. And still to this day there
[1:15:36] are coffins there and everything. And
[1:15:39] there's a tower there where Alistister
[1:15:41] Crowley used to call up the devil in the
[1:15:43] 1930s. You have to walk up this road in
[1:15:46] the dark with a storm coming behind me
[1:15:48] off the Irish Sea off Cardigan Bay.
[1:15:53] And I'm walking past that tower
[1:15:54] whistling, you know, as I go and uh and
[1:15:58] then up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:58] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:59] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:59] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:59] up up up up up up up up up up up up up
[1:15:59] up up up up up up up up up up up up the
[1:15:59] valley and I get to this remote
[1:16:01] farmhouse and I'm stood outside and
[1:16:03] there's not a single light on in the
[1:16:05] place as it's getting dusk the storm
[1:16:07] starting to hit my back. I knock on the
[1:16:10] door and I can tell from the echo
[1:16:12] through the house there's no one in
[1:16:13] there
[1:16:15] and I'm I say, "Well, I'm I'm not going
[1:16:18] to stand out in the rain." And and as
[1:16:20] you do when you're a student, you let
[1:16:21] yourself in, you know. So, I let myself
[1:16:24] in. So, I'm like Goldilocks and the
[1:16:26] three bears in there, you and I say,
[1:16:28] "Well, I'll put the kettle on there. I'm
[1:16:30] sure someone will be back and make a cup
[1:16:31] of tea, you know."
[1:16:32] >> And then I said, "Well, I'll get a fire
[1:16:34] going cuz they'll be h because the house
[1:16:36] was cold. They'll be happy to have a
[1:16:38] fire when they come in. But I'm there. I
[1:16:40] drink my tea. I sit by the fire.
[1:16:43] It's getting on and on. I'm there quite
[1:16:45] a few hours. No one's coming back. Yeah.
[1:16:48] And I fall asleep in the chair by the
[1:16:50] fire. And then suddenly there's a knock
[1:16:53] at the door. I wake up and it's
[1:16:56] midnight. Actually, the fire's almost
[1:16:59] out. And I said, "If someone else is
[1:17:02] knocking at the door, it means they
[1:17:03] don't live here either.
[1:17:05] >> [laughter]
[1:17:05] >> What on earth is there? So, I open the
[1:17:08] door and there's
[1:17:11] there's a fellow just a few years older
[1:17:12] than me, maybe in his late 20s or 30, 30
[1:17:16] or so. And uh he's a handsome looking
[1:17:20] fellow. He's got a leather bagu.
[1:17:24] He's like some character out of a
[1:17:25] medieval story or something. And and
[1:17:28] he's looking for someone else who lives
[1:17:30] in the house who's also not there. I
[1:17:32] said, "Well, come in." and u we'll have
[1:17:35] a cup of tea and sit by the fire, you
[1:17:38] know, we'll get the fire going. So
[1:17:39] anyway, we both sat there and as you do
[1:17:42] with strangers, and this doesn't happen
[1:17:44] as much today because we're so much into
[1:17:46] our phones and checking in with our
[1:17:48] friends miles away. But it used to be
[1:17:51] that when you got opened a conversation,
[1:17:53] a long conversation with a stranger on a
[1:17:56] journey, you know, if you're on a train
[1:17:57] or a plane, you'd often tell them things
[1:17:59] that you'd never talk to your current
[1:18:02] friends about. You know, you'd dulge
[1:18:05] things you wouldn't say to people you
[1:18:07] knew. And uh we got into a really really
[1:18:12] intimate conversation and he started to
[1:18:14] tell me about his work and his work was
[1:18:18] going around from woodland to woodland
[1:18:20] and taking a kind of inventory of all
[1:18:22] the wildlife and what it could bear as
[1:18:24] far as food and and how human beings
[1:18:27] could live off the woods and things. And
[1:18:29] I don't I think he was working for a
[1:18:31] government agency of some kind but it
[1:18:33] was really marvelous work and it's
[1:18:35] something he'd wanted to do you know for
[1:18:37] for years he said and so I asked him and
[1:18:40] of course this was a decur this was a
[1:18:43] cry from my own heart I said how did you
[1:18:47] start you know the journey towards this
[1:18:50] work and he looked at me really
[1:18:52] seriously lent forward and said do you
[1:18:55] really want to know and I said yeah I
[1:18:58] really want to No. He said, "Well, I
[1:19:02] started by wanting to kill myself
[1:19:06] by trying to commit suicide." I said,
[1:19:08] "My god." He said, "Yes, I was living in
[1:19:12] a really rundown uh building u a set of
[1:19:18] flats in London, 12story high set of
[1:19:21] flats. We were on the top floor, and I
[1:19:23] was living with with uh with a group of
[1:19:26] drug addicts, and I was one of them. I
[1:19:28] was an addict also. Yeah. And we barely
[1:19:32] had any furniture in the place. We
[1:19:34] barely had any food in the place. Uh
[1:19:37] everything went towards the addictions,
[1:19:39] you know, and so uh the addiction always
[1:19:42] comes first. Everyone was stealing from
[1:19:45] everyone and you couldn't trust anyone.
[1:19:47] And it was a awful gray rainy day. I
[1:19:51] decided I was going to throw myself out
[1:19:53] the window. But it was an old-fashioned
[1:19:55] sash window that you lifted up, you
[1:19:58] know, and I barely had the strength
[1:20:01] because I was hardly eating at the time
[1:20:02] to lift the sash window. And and then I
[1:20:06] had to climb out, but there was a window
[1:20:08] box there with uh earth in it and a few
[1:20:12] weeds cuz none of us, you know, would
[1:20:14] keep a flower box going. And I got stuck
[1:20:19] across the threshold of the window.
[1:20:21] Yeah. And then the sash window came down
[1:20:23] on my back
[1:20:25] and I was stuck. Yeah. And I had to
[1:20:29] laugh, you know, and I lost in that
[1:20:31] moment I lost the impetus to do it.
[1:20:33] Yeah. Cuz everything has to be
[1:20:35] >> What a bust. Yeah.
[1:20:37] >> And I I hit the lowest of the low there
[1:20:40] because I couldn't even kill myself
[1:20:42] properly. He said, "Yeah." Um and I also
[1:20:46] couldn't get out from under that window.
[1:20:49] And I
[1:20:52] I was looking at this flower box and the
[1:20:56] rain was dripping into one end of the of
[1:20:59] the ground of the flower box and forming
[1:21:01] this little stream that went from one
[1:21:03] end to the other. And there were little
[1:21:05] weeds along the side of the stream.
[1:21:07] Yeah. And I didn't have anywhere to go
[1:21:11] or anything to do. And I just started
[1:21:13] molding the ground with my hands. Yeah.
[1:21:16] And I was there probably 45 minutes. And
[1:21:19] at the end, I'd created a little
[1:21:21] landscape in the flower box here. And
[1:21:25] when I looked at that ground, I knew
[1:21:27] what I wanted to do for the rest of my
[1:21:29] life. I wanted to work with the land.
[1:21:32] And the hardest thing I ever did in my
[1:21:34] life was get myself out from under the
[1:21:39] window. And the next hardest thing was
[1:21:42] walk past my dealer on the corner right
[1:21:45] outside the door.
[1:21:48] But I had one friend left in the world
[1:21:49] and I went and knocked on his door and
[1:21:52] he took me in and I went into rehab and
[1:21:55] then I went to night school, started to
[1:21:57] study and then I I went to college and
[1:22:01] then I got a degree in horiculture
[1:22:04] and I was doing landscaping jobs on the
[1:22:07] side and then I got this work. So that's
[1:22:11] how I came here.
[1:22:14] So there I was. I said, "Oh my god, you
[1:22:16] know, I'm hail and healthy. I'm not I'm
[1:22:19] not addicted to anything. Uh I'm fully
[1:22:22] present in the world and yet I've said
[1:22:24] no to my vocation uh to where I wanted
[1:22:28] to go.
[1:22:29] Um, so his ground became my ground and I
[1:22:34] started to turn my face back towards
[1:22:38] what I'd originally set myself and then
[1:22:41] all kinds of doors started open up and
[1:22:43] up and as I said earlier 6 weeks later I
[1:22:45] was in the Galapicus Islands with this
[1:22:47] job. Um, and it came from that meeting.
[1:22:51] It came from this powerful no to
[1:22:53] everything that was not a yes.
[1:22:56] And that allowed somehow this falling
[1:22:59] and falling in your in your grief just
[1:23:02] as you fall in your grief for another
[1:23:04] person.
[1:23:06] The grief for a loss of vision can be
[1:23:10] equally distressing. Yeah. And
[1:23:12] desparing.
[1:23:14] But then coming to ground in his ground
[1:23:18] in that little flower box. It's a ground
[1:23:21] onto which you can step and from which
[1:23:24] you can step into your new life.
[1:23:29] So this is uh often we we won't drop
[1:23:33] down deep enough to reach that ground,
[1:23:35] you know.
[1:23:36] >> We get halfway there and then we start
[1:23:38] to make other plans.
[1:23:40] The strategic mind comes in too early to
[1:23:42] protect you. Yeah. It's meant to be a
[1:23:45] good servant to the soul's desires here.
[1:23:48] But how much apprenticeship do we get
[1:23:51] when we're growing to the soul's desires
[1:23:53] here?
[1:23:56] It's often not there in our parenting.
[1:23:58] It's often not there in our schooling
[1:24:00] unless you have brilliant parents unless
[1:24:02] you have a brilliant teacher.
[1:24:05] I was lucky I did have brilliant
[1:24:07] teachers when I was at school
[1:24:09] >> and I had a brilliant mother.
[1:24:11] So, um, the ability to
[1:24:16] drop down, to have confidence in the
[1:24:20] ground that awaits you inside for the
[1:24:21] road to Santiago, don't make
[1:24:25] new declarations. You could say, don't
[1:24:28] make premature declarations
[1:24:31] about what to bring or what to leave
[1:24:33] behind. Just bring what you have. Just
[1:24:36] bring what you have. You're always going
[1:24:38] that way anyway. you were always going
[1:24:41] that way all along.
[1:24:45] >> A true storyteller was transported into
[1:24:48] that world. And uh there's many
[1:24:51] takeaways. One, don't underestimate the
[1:24:54] power of connecting with a stranger.
[1:24:56] >> Yes.
[1:24:57] >> Have you met Did you ever see him again?
[1:24:59] >> No.
[1:25:00] >> Wow.
[1:25:00] >> No.
[1:25:01] >> Wild.
[1:25:03] And um
[1:25:04] >> you know it's really powerful to
[1:25:06] understand that you can be that powerful
[1:25:09] stranger in another person's life.
[1:25:11] >> Yeah.
[1:25:12] >> Just at a bus stop.
[1:25:13] >> Mhm.
[1:25:14] >> I was at a bus stop in Dublin actually
[1:25:16] and and this young lad came up to me in
[1:25:18] awe. I just had my haircut. It was
[1:25:20] sllicked back and I had sunglasses on
[1:25:22] and he he said, "Are you Bono?"
[1:25:27] And the look in his face was one of
[1:25:29] adoration. Yeah.
[1:25:31] And I had this absolute intuition I
[1:25:34] should be Bono. [laughter]
[1:25:36] I said yes.
[1:25:38] And he said, I just wanted to really
[1:25:41] thank you for everything you've done for
[1:25:43] me, taking me through some really dark
[1:25:45] times here. And I said, "You're welcome.
[1:25:49] That's why we write these songs and play
[1:25:51] this music." Yeah,
[1:25:53] >> that's amazing.
[1:25:53] >> He shook my hand and he went off. And
[1:25:56] afterwards I thought Bono would not be
[1:25:59] stood at a bus stop waiting for the
[1:26:01] number 22. [laughter]
[1:26:04] But he needed he needed that stranger.
[1:26:07] Yeah.
[1:26:07] >> Yeah.
[1:26:08] >> And you could see it as a conceit on my
[1:26:10] part. But I just had this very powerful
[1:26:12] intuition that that's what this lad
[1:26:15] needed. Yeah. At that moment and I would
[1:26:18] have disappointed him. Yeah.
[1:26:20] And there's all kinds of ways we can be
[1:26:23] so disappointing to other people. Partly
[1:26:26] because
[1:26:28] we're afraid to live up to what the
[1:26:32] invitation is that they're making.
[1:26:36] We're afraid that we won't actually
[1:26:38] incarnate it.
[1:26:40] >> We won't.
[1:26:44] That will be disappointing.
[1:26:47] >> What a gift. There is uh something that
[1:26:50] was another highlight for sure for me
[1:26:52] was the power of no. And often times the
[1:26:56] hardest no is the one closest to a yes
[1:26:59] where we seem to have some of our needs
[1:27:01] met or we're in an imshment where
[1:27:04] >> we're living this kind of malaise of our
[1:27:06] life. You know where we like some things
[1:27:08] but we're not fully alive.
[1:27:10] >> Yes.
[1:27:11] >> And we search for that. We yearn for
[1:27:13] that.
[1:27:14] >> Yes. Now, what do you think is necessary
[1:27:17] to have the courage to say no for those
[1:27:20] that want don't want to be stuck under a
[1:27:23] window sill moments before their own
[1:27:26] execution themselves?
[1:27:28] >> Um, but that that that want that to
[1:27:31] arrive at that place nonetheless. Um,
[1:27:34] what does it really take if not just
[1:27:36] suffering?
[1:27:38] I think it has to do with a
[1:27:42] an arrival in your own
[1:27:46] beautiful aloneeness in the world for to
[1:27:50] for you to find
[1:27:52] your companionship. I mean it's a very
[1:27:55] powerful dynamic about in in romance and
[1:28:00] looking for a a partner in marriage or
[1:28:03] commitment. you all you are always
[1:28:06] presented with something that looks
[1:28:09] almost like what would be good for you
[1:28:12] what be what would be the right person
[1:28:15] and all Jane Austin's novels are based
[1:28:17] on this discernment between what looks
[1:28:20] like the perfect partner and what is not
[1:28:24] yeah and being able to understand
[1:28:28] what is going to be a blessing for you
[1:28:30] what is going to be an invitation a real
[1:28:32] invitation for
[1:28:34] what will be good for you as you go
[1:28:36] along. Um so um the ability to um
[1:28:44] give away what is not exactly right
[1:28:47] is very courageous
[1:28:50] because quite often we'll want to settle
[1:28:53] for second best as we often say. Yeah.
[1:28:56] And that's neither good for the person
[1:28:59] who you're settling for.
[1:29:02] They may not realize that you're
[1:29:03] settling for second best. Yeah. They may
[1:29:06] be existentially disappointed and not
[1:29:08] want to be your second best. Yeah. So
[1:29:10] it's not it's not a very generous act on
[1:29:13] on either side. Yeah.
[1:29:16] Uh so this is a piece I wrote about that
[1:29:19] aloneeness arriving in that aloneeness.
[1:29:21] Actually it was written after I'd left
[1:29:23] my first marriage and I'd moved into
[1:29:27] this new old house. Um uh which I still
[1:29:31] inhabit actually. Uh and um it was a
[1:29:36] small house at that time. So 100 years
[1:29:38] old, which is old for the west coast of
[1:29:41] the United States. And it's three times
[1:29:44] the size now. But you know, when I moved
[1:29:47] into it, uh it it seemed to have endless
[1:29:50] horizons here. When it's your home, it
[1:29:54] feels as if it's connected to the
[1:29:56] horizons of the world. and uh and I was
[1:30:00] moving in there. I was living there
[1:30:02] alone. I was also a single parent there.
[1:30:04] So half the time I'd have my son there.
[1:30:07] But it was really my first adult home
[1:30:10] that I'd had that I'd not shared with
[1:30:12] other people. At university I was
[1:30:15] sharing houses as you do you know uh in
[1:30:19] order to make it work financially. When
[1:30:21] I was in Galipagus, I was sharing uh a
[1:30:25] boat, you know, in very close
[1:30:26] confinement, you know, and uh and then
[1:30:30] I'd uh lived in a in a communal setup
[1:30:33] when I first came to the states and then
[1:30:35] I was in a marriage sharing with another
[1:30:37] person and then suddenly I had my own
[1:30:40] house and it just felt incredibly
[1:30:42] nourishing. It was this was a different
[1:30:44] form of coming to ground. Yeah. So this
[1:30:47] is the piece is called the house of
[1:30:49] belonging. Yeah. I awoke this morning in
[1:30:52] the gold light. I awoke this morning in
[1:30:55] the gold light, turning this way and
[1:30:57] that, thinking, thinking it was one day
[1:31:01] like any other. But the veil had gone
[1:31:04] from my darkened heart, and I thought,
[1:31:06] it must have been the quiet candle light
[1:31:08] that filled my room. It must have been
[1:31:11] the first easy rhythm with which I
[1:31:15] breathed myself to sleep. It must have
[1:31:17] been
[1:31:20] The prayer I said speaking to the
[1:31:23] otherness of the night.
[1:31:25] I awoke this morning in the gold light
[1:31:28] turning this way and that thinking
[1:31:30] thinking it was one day like any other.
[1:31:33] But the veil had gone from my darkened
[1:31:35] heart and I thought it must have been
[1:31:37] the quiet candle light that filled my
[1:31:39] room. It must have been the first easy
[1:31:43] rhythm with which I breathed myself to
[1:31:45] sleep. It must have been the prayer I
[1:31:47] said speaking to the other otherness of
[1:31:50] the night. And I thought this is the
[1:31:53] good day you could meet your love. This
[1:31:56] is the gray day someone close to you
[1:31:59] could die. This is the day you realize
[1:32:03] how easily the thread is broken between
[1:32:05] this world and the next. And I found
[1:32:08] myself sitting up in the quiet pathway
[1:32:10] of light. The tory close grained ced are
[1:32:13] burning round me like fire and all the
[1:32:16] angels of this housely heaven ascending
[1:32:18] through the first roof of light the sun
[1:32:21] had made. This is the bright home in
[1:32:25] which I live. This is where I ask my
[1:32:29] friends to come. This is where I want to
[1:32:31] love all of the things it has taken me
[1:32:35] so long to learn to love. This is the
[1:32:38] temple of my adult aloneeness and I
[1:32:43] belong to that aloneeness as I belong to
[1:32:46] my life.
[1:32:48] There is no house there is no house like
[1:32:53] the house of belonging.
[1:32:57] This is the temple of my adult
[1:32:59] aloneeness and I belong to that
[1:33:01] aloneeness as I belong to my life. There
[1:33:04] is no house, no house like the house of
[1:33:07] belonging.
[1:33:09] This is where I ask my friends to come.
[1:33:10] This is where I want to love all of the
[1:33:13] things it has taken me so long to learn
[1:33:17] to love.
[1:33:19] So I think you know one of the one of
[1:33:22] the grounds we have to touch in order to
[1:33:24] be
[1:33:25] sure for another person is to to have
[1:33:28] come to understand what we love in the
[1:33:30] world and to have confidence in it.
[1:33:34] then the other person knows who they're
[1:33:36] with. Actually
[1:33:41] Simonve the great uh French philosopher
[1:33:45] she said uh what we love in other people
[1:33:48] is the hoped for satisfaction of our
[1:33:51] desires.
[1:33:52] We do not love them for their desires.
[1:33:55] If we love them for their desires, we
[1:33:58] should love them as ourselves.
[1:34:02] What we love in other people is the hope
[1:34:04] for satisfaction of our desires.
[1:34:09] But if we love them for their desires,
[1:34:12] we should love them as ourselves.
[1:34:17] So the ability to understand, you know,
[1:34:20] how
[1:34:22] powerful it is to stand in the shity of
[1:34:25] your love for the world and for the
[1:34:27] things and for things you like to do and
[1:34:31] therefore to be able to have respect and
[1:34:34] love for what someone else someone else
[1:34:36] does. Here
[1:34:38] you're not in the relationship to
[1:34:41] impress the other person. [laughter]
[1:34:43] That's that soon runs out of road.
[1:34:48] >> I think
[1:34:50] likely many people can relate to the
[1:34:52] inevitable heartbreak that comes when
[1:34:54] you realize you're living life in
[1:34:57] particular romantically
[1:34:59] through relating your own idea of who
[1:35:02] somebody is as opposed to who they
[1:35:03] actually are. You know, we have this
[1:35:05] [clears throat] fantasy and it gets
[1:35:06] shattered and that's heartbreaking. But
[1:35:09] it is your it's your own illusion that
[1:35:12] was breaking. And um
[1:35:17] >> boy, I feel like there's a deep well
[1:35:19] here of so many different avenues to
[1:35:20] explore that we'll never get to the
[1:35:22] bottom of, which is fine. I'm here for
[1:35:24] the
[1:35:24] >> I think uh just stepping off from what
[1:35:27] you just said the
[1:35:29] >> the astonishing thing is is that you
[1:35:32] can't know the other person in the way
[1:35:36] you want to in a way which you can name.
[1:35:39] Uh you can't know who they're about to
[1:35:42] become or who in their heart of hearts
[1:35:45] they want to become because they
[1:35:47] themselves don't fully know. So how
[1:35:49] could you know? So the ability to grant
[1:35:53] that person space
[1:35:56] to grant them uh breathing room
[1:36:01] to allow them to be wrong uh to get
[1:36:05] things wrong
[1:36:07] uh in the same way you get things wrong
[1:36:10] but to hold their best interests in
[1:36:12] heart and when you get glimmers of what
[1:36:14] you see oh that's what they're looking
[1:36:16] for you might just hint at it you know
[1:36:20] or mention it in in a roundabout way
[1:36:24] but not head on uh in this is what you
[1:36:27] need to do. Yeah. I mean obviously there
[1:36:30] are times where you lose patience and
[1:36:32] you will say that when you've seen
[1:36:33] something and then you have to stand in
[1:36:36] in assurityity of having seen it and it
[1:36:38] will be tested against what they know
[1:36:40] about themselves too. But uh but the
[1:36:44] ability to
[1:36:46] allow the other person to be a mystery.
[1:36:52] Uh Gabrielle Garcia Marquez was once
[1:36:54] asked in a in an interview about his
[1:36:58] long and happy marriage, which was
[1:36:59] unusual in artistic circles, you could
[1:37:02] say. And uh he said, "Well, I I don't
[1:37:05] know really what the secret is, but but
[1:37:08] you know, she's uh I've I know her so
[1:37:11] well. I haven't a clue who she is.
[1:37:13] [laughter]
[1:37:16] [snorts]
[1:37:16] >> So,
[1:37:17] >> it's that ability to be beused. Yeah.
[1:37:21] >> And in the presence of
[1:37:24] an unfolding mystery
[1:37:27] >> and it's the essence of parenting, too.
[1:37:30] So you can't help but fall into
[1:37:35] wanting safety and protection for your
[1:37:38] children and therefore you fall into um
[1:37:43] into control
[1:37:46] and uh and the ability to hear your
[1:37:49] daughter's voice.
[1:37:52] Not the one you want them to have. Yeah.
[1:37:56] But the essence of your daughter's
[1:37:57] voice, the essence of your son's voice,
[1:38:01] this is the essence of parenting really
[1:38:04] to allow
[1:38:07] that life to have its own life.
[1:38:11] I always remember being in uh in one of
[1:38:15] those uh wonderful moments, you know,
[1:38:17] with a teenage daughter as a father
[1:38:20] where you say something deeply unhelpful
[1:38:22] to them and they say something deeply
[1:38:25] unhelpful back to you and then you
[1:38:27] follow it up with something even more
[1:38:29] unhelpful and then you hear them
[1:38:34] going up the treads of the stairs with
[1:38:36] heavy footsteps so that they can hear
[1:38:38] you. And then you hear the door of their
[1:38:40] bedroom being slammed so that the whole
[1:38:43] house of belonging reverberates
[1:38:45] [laughter]
[1:38:48] and I said to my I started to follow I
[1:38:51] was going up the stairs and I had my
[1:38:53] hand raised actually in speaking about
[1:38:56] to say that final unhelpful thing and I
[1:39:00] caught myself and I said David I said
[1:39:03] take your own advice. Yeah this is not a
[1:39:06] real conversation.
[1:39:08] How what's the first step in that you
[1:39:11] tell people in deepening a conversation?
[1:39:14] And the first step I always say is stop
[1:39:17] the stop the one you're having now.
[1:39:20] That's the first step in deepening the
[1:39:21] conversation. That's in my
[1:39:23] conversational leadership uh in VAS
[1:39:25] course. First step, stop the
[1:39:27] conversation you're having now. So I
[1:39:29] said this is not a helpful conversation.
[1:39:32] take your hand down, close your garb,
[1:39:36] go back down, you know, and I went down
[1:39:39] and I just went into silence in my body
[1:39:43] and I just naturally started making tea.
[1:39:47] And in Britain and Ireland, you know,
[1:39:49] it's one of the things you do in crisis
[1:39:51] is you put the kettle on and you make a
[1:39:53] proper and to make a proper cup of tea,
[1:39:55] it takes you about 15 minutes. You have
[1:39:56] to warm the pot. water has to be boiling
[1:39:59] when it hits the tea, you know, then it
[1:40:01] has to mash for a while, you know. And I
[1:40:04] got out my mother's her my daughter's
[1:40:07] grandmother's uh delfted the the uh
[1:40:12] china and I put together this tray and I
[1:40:15] got out my daughter's favorite chocolate
[1:40:17] biscuits
[1:40:19] and then I took them into the living
[1:40:20] room and then I went up with my heart in
[1:40:23] my mouth. I knocked on the door and in a
[1:40:25] different more invitational voice I
[1:40:27] said, "Come on, Charlotte. Let's have a
[1:40:30] conversation. I apologize for whatever
[1:40:32] my part was in that not being helpful."
[1:40:36] And anyway, she came out as teenage
[1:40:39] girls do with her head down and her arms
[1:40:41] folded, you know, and walked down and
[1:40:44] sat in the chair with her head down and
[1:40:46] her arms folded. But she had one high
[1:40:50] one eye on the chocolate cookies on the
[1:40:53] biscuits. I thought I've got a chance
[1:40:57] and I said I said don't say it. Whatever
[1:41:00] you want to say, don't say it. So we we
[1:41:03] were there for the longest time.
[1:41:06] And then finally I suddenly overheard
[1:41:08] myself saying, Charlotte, I said,
[1:41:12] tell me one thing you want me to stop
[1:41:16] doing as a father.
[1:41:19] and tell me
[1:41:21] one thing you want me to do more of."
[1:41:24] And she looked at me and of course she
[1:41:27] immediately had a dozen things she
[1:41:29] wanted me to stop doing, but she had the
[1:41:31] one thing she told me. The interesting
[1:41:34] thing was
[1:41:36] she didn't know what she wanted me to do
[1:41:38] more of as a father.
[1:41:42] She was still growing into that. Yeah.
[1:41:44] So I'd had her looking at
[1:41:48] who she was now as a daughter that would
[1:41:50] want a father of that age. She was
[1:41:54] catching up with herself. Yeah.
[1:41:56] >> And you know, with an adolescent, the
[1:41:58] trajectory of maturation is so steep.
[1:42:00] You almost always talking to someone
[1:42:03] who's no longer there, which is why it's
[1:42:06] so difficult.
[1:42:08] [laughter]
[1:42:10] >> Yeah.
[1:42:10] >> So, you should act as if they're no
[1:42:12] longer there. actually
[1:42:14] >> they don't they haven't even caught up
[1:42:16] with themselves.
[1:42:17] >> Mhm.
[1:42:20] So it's a it's an art form to actually
[1:42:22] arrive
[1:42:24] at the edge of maturation
[1:42:27] both
[1:42:29] for you as a parent and for your child
[1:42:33] who's just arriving and finding out
[1:42:35] about themselves in this new body that
[1:42:37] they're inhabiting
[1:42:39] there with sexual desires they never
[1:42:42] understood a human being could have.
[1:42:44] Yeah.
[1:42:46] uh invitations they want me to make and
[1:42:50] want to be made to them that they
[1:42:51] haven't figured out. That's it's an
[1:42:54] astonishing new form of incarnation.
[1:42:57] >> Mhm.
[1:42:59] >> I loved reading a bit of your work
[1:43:02] around horizons both inner and outer.
[1:43:05] >> Yes.
[1:43:06] >> As and I think it's just best to come
[1:43:09] from your mouth but speak to me about
[1:43:11] the correlation the the similarity
[1:43:13] between the two. Um what evokes what is
[1:43:17] evoked in us when we see a horizon and
[1:43:19] the ones that are inner and what goes
[1:43:21] beyond it.
[1:43:22] >> Yes.
[1:43:23] Well, we all know instinctively how
[1:43:26] [snorts]
[1:43:27] beautiful horizons are to us in a very
[1:43:29] physical way. You have a house here with
[1:43:31] gorgeous horizons. Yeah. And we all know
[1:43:34] how much more we will pay for a house
[1:43:36] with a horizon, you know, uh with a view
[1:43:39] of the sea or the mountains. Yeah. It's
[1:43:41] because human beings are actually drawn
[1:43:43] out of themselves.
[1:43:45] And uh a horizon is nourishing in and of
[1:43:49] itself. But you know, even if you're
[1:43:51] confined to a to a bedset in Brooklyn
[1:43:55] where you're facing a brick wall, you
[1:43:57] will find a horizon in that brick wall
[1:44:00] eventually, you'll grow to love the
[1:44:02] corrugations of the brick wall. Maybe
[1:44:04] the way the light finds it at an angle
[1:44:07] once or twice a day. Um and burnishes
[1:44:10] it. Yeah. And you start to have thoughts
[1:44:14] looking into that horizon as you're
[1:44:16] washing up or or uh cooking. Um so we
[1:44:22] all know instinctively that
[1:44:24] [clears throat]
[1:44:25] horizons especially when we're walking
[1:44:28] to them at a pace you normal walking
[1:44:30] pace uh how invitational they are.
[1:44:34] But it's interesting to think that there
[1:44:37] is an equally invitational
[1:44:42] inner horizon.
[1:44:45] But the invitation is felt in a very
[1:44:46] very different way. It's an invitation
[1:44:50] to disappearance actually. And so it's
[1:44:53] the line between what you know of
[1:44:55] yourself and what you don't know what
[1:44:58] you're about to find find out. And it's
[1:45:00] interesting that we more often
[1:45:03] find that horizon as a as a boundary of
[1:45:07] resistance.
[1:45:09] One, we find it difficult to go below
[1:45:12] inside ourselves. It's why it's so
[1:45:14] difficult to to quieten yourself down
[1:45:18] and drop down. I have two uh uh forest
[1:45:23] monks I just met. I just did a podcast
[1:45:26] with them. uh they uh they hung out in
[1:45:29] the Pike Place Market for for a good
[1:45:32] number of years just begging for their
[1:45:33] food. And if they didn't get food, they
[1:45:35] didn't they didn't uh eat that day. But
[1:45:39] somehow they've managed to, as forest
[1:45:41] monks do, they've managed to raise $5
[1:45:43] million to buy this piece of land and
[1:45:46] build a monastery.
[1:45:48] And so I was uh I was marveling at this
[1:45:51] to myself, but I was thinking, isn't
[1:45:54] that astonishing, you know, that we will
[1:45:55] spend $5 million to find a place where
[1:46:00] you can just fall quiet? [laughter]
[1:46:04] >> And that the forest monks could raise 5
[1:46:06] million. I love
[1:46:07] >> No, they're really charismatic forest
[1:46:09] monks.
[1:46:09] >> Okay. [laughter]
[1:46:11] and uh malnourished but uh but
[1:46:14] charismatic
[1:46:16] and uh
[1:46:18] um I was thinking isn't that
[1:46:21] extraordinary that we will put so much
[1:46:23] effort into creating a place which is
[1:46:25] only there so you can fall silent.
[1:46:27] >> Yeah.
[1:46:28] >> So why not just fall silent
[1:46:30] [clears throat] without the $5 million
[1:46:32] or without the monastery? Of course, we
[1:46:34] need the monastery in order to create a
[1:46:37] structure for that for people. But it is
[1:46:40] very simple actually. But why is it so
[1:46:44] difficult to do something so simple?
[1:46:47] It's because you feel you're going to
[1:46:48] die. That's why when you fall silent,
[1:46:52] you feel as if your identity is falling
[1:46:55] apart.
[1:46:57] You feel as if your priorities are
[1:46:59] reordering
[1:47:00] and your intuitions are all correct.
[1:47:02] actually and you feel as if you won't
[1:47:05] survive the experience in the manner to
[1:47:08] which you're accustomed. You will
[1:47:10] actually simp radically simplify and you
[1:47:14] may not want to be the person we you may
[1:47:17] not want to be with the person you're
[1:47:18] living with. You may not want to be the
[1:47:21] person who you are living with this
[1:47:22] person. You may not want this work that
[1:47:25] you're going to every day. So it's quite
[1:47:28] frightening to drop to a place of
[1:47:30] origination to drop below that inner
[1:47:33] horizon.
[1:47:35] So a real conversation is putting that
[1:47:39] inner horizon of resistance
[1:47:42] in conversation with the far horizon
[1:47:44] that's calling you in your life. Yeah.
[1:47:47] That's a real conversation.
[1:47:49] >> Yeah. It also leads to a sense of humor
[1:47:51] >> because you're able to understand all
[1:47:53] the ways you don't want to make the
[1:47:55] journey actually and all the ways you
[1:47:56] don't want to change. Thank you very
[1:47:58] much. [laughter]
[1:48:00] >> And all the ways you'd rather just
[1:48:02] >> Yeah.
[1:48:02] >> sit with a big bag of popcorn and watch
[1:48:05] [laughter]
[1:48:06] >> something vacuous.
[1:48:08] Uh and [clears throat] and so you learn
[1:48:12] a kind of humility. Yeah.
[1:48:14] And you learn also how to uh rub up
[1:48:20] against that inner boundary, how to lean
[1:48:23] against it.
[1:48:25] In the northern European fairy stories,
[1:48:28] when the wicked stepmother sent one of
[1:48:32] her hunters out with the children into
[1:48:35] the forest to kill them,
[1:48:38] the forester always cannot do it.
[1:48:43] He can't bring himself to kill the
[1:48:45] children, the stepchildren.
[1:48:47] So he lets them go in the forest by
[1:48:50] themselves and say, "Well, I'll give
[1:48:51] them their own chance. Probably they
[1:48:52] won't survive anyway, so no one will
[1:48:55] know, you know." And he leaves them
[1:48:56] there. And the children or the child
[1:48:59] wander around in the dark wood crying
[1:49:02] and lonely and but quite often in many
[1:49:06] of the stories they will then lean
[1:49:08] against a tree in their grief or they
[1:49:12] will lean against a stone
[1:49:14] and the stone will take their body
[1:49:16] weight. The tree will take their body
[1:49:18] weight and in that moment the stone
[1:49:22] speaks to them and says what is it my
[1:49:25] child? Uh, how can I help you? The tree
[1:49:29] speaks to them.
[1:49:31] What do you need, my love? Yeah.
[1:49:34] [clears throat]
[1:49:35] So, it's this leaning against, you know,
[1:49:38] put your body weight against this
[1:49:40] boundary inside you. Yeah.
[1:49:42] >> Or just allow the world to permeate it
[1:49:46] and find it. For that, you need a sense
[1:49:48] of humor. You need to be brave about
[1:49:51] revealing yourself in that way. And uh
[1:49:54] so this is a piece I wrote. I wrote it
[1:49:56] for John Donahghue actually after he'd
[1:49:58] passed
[1:50:00] and uh uh it's called Blessing for the
[1:50:03] Morning Light. John was a great blesser.
[1:50:05] Blessing is a big thing in the Irish
[1:50:06] tradition. John was a was a a virtuoso
[1:50:11] blesser
[1:50:12] and he could come up with a blessing in
[1:50:14] a moment for he'd come up with a
[1:50:16] blessing for us talking together and
[1:50:18] indeed he wrote a book of blessings
[1:50:20] actually.
[1:50:22] um called uh to bless the space between
[1:50:25] us or Benedictus in in Ireland was the
[1:50:28] title here. But this is blessing for the
[1:50:31] morning light. I will often recite this
[1:50:33] to myself just to put myself in proper
[1:50:37] conversation with the world in the
[1:50:38] morning. I have a little balcony outside
[1:50:39] the bedroom. So I'll walk out onto that
[1:50:42] balcony quite often.
[1:50:44] Blessing for the morning light. The
[1:50:46] blessing of the morning light to you.
[1:50:48] The blessing of the morning light to
[1:50:49] you. May it find you even in your
[1:50:53] invisible appearances. The blessing of
[1:50:55] the morning light to you. May it find
[1:50:58] you even in your invisible appearances.
[1:51:01] May you be seen to have risen from some
[1:51:04] other place you know and have known in
[1:51:06] the darkness and that carries all you
[1:51:09] need. May you see what is hidden in you
[1:51:12] as a place of hospitality and shadowed
[1:51:14] shelter. May what is hidden in you
[1:51:17] become your gift to give.
[1:51:20] May you hold that shadow to the light
[1:51:24] and the silence of that shelter to the
[1:51:26] word of the light. May you join every
[1:51:29] previous disappearance with this new
[1:51:32] appearance, this new morning, this being
[1:51:35] seen again, new and newly alive.
[1:51:41] The blessing of the morning light to
[1:51:43] you. it find you even in your invisible
[1:51:46] appearances. So many times we walk into
[1:51:48] a room and the person people are
[1:51:50] greeting is not actually the person
[1:51:52] who's walked into the room. You have a
[1:51:54] mask on. Yeah. Partly you want to
[1:51:57] protect yourself. Partly you're being
[1:51:58] generous. You don't want to overwhelm
[1:52:00] people with things you haven't worked
[1:52:01] out yourself.
[1:52:03] But the great danger is that you become
[1:52:06] the mask.
[1:52:08] You stop having this frontier meet that
[1:52:11] frontier in the world. uh and the
[1:52:13] frontier's way out here in this abstract
[1:52:16] personality.
[1:52:18] The blessing of the morning light to
[1:52:19] you, may it find you even in your
[1:52:23] invisible appearances. May you be seen
[1:52:26] to have risen from some other place you
[1:52:28] know and have known in the darkness and
[1:52:30] that carries all you need. May you see
[1:52:34] what is hidden in you as a place of
[1:52:36] hospitality and shadowed shelter. May
[1:52:38] what is hidden in you become your gift
[1:52:41] to give. May what is hidden in you
[1:52:44] become your gift to give. May you hold
[1:52:47] that shadow to the light and the silence
[1:52:50] of that shelter to the word of the
[1:52:52] light. May you join every previous
[1:52:55] disappearance with this new appearance,
[1:52:57] this new morning, this being seen again,
[1:53:00] new and newly alive. So may you join
[1:53:05] every previous disappearance in that
[1:53:07] moment. I had this sudden
[1:53:10] realization of all of the uh difficult
[1:53:13] undoings I'd gone through in my life,
[1:53:15] you know, all the disappearances and how
[1:53:18] for most of them I'd gone into them
[1:53:20] reluctantly. I've been dragged into
[1:53:22] them. And then you get to the other side
[1:53:24] of them, you say, "Thank God I went
[1:53:25] through that.
[1:53:27] I'm a much better person for it." Yeah.
[1:53:29] [clears throat]
[1:53:30] So it when I said, "May you join every
[1:53:33] previous disappearance with this new
[1:53:35] appearance."
[1:53:36] the sudden understanding well wouldn't
[1:53:39] that be wonderful to get with the
[1:53:41] program actually
[1:53:43] to be as Rokia the great German speaking
[1:53:46] poet said uh to be ahead of all parting
[1:53:50] it's an amazing invitation to be ahead
[1:53:52] of all parting to let go of what needs
[1:53:55] to be let go of you know
[1:53:57] >> to be right up with everything as the
[1:53:59] season's changing and to let it go as
[1:54:02] it's being asked to be let go not 2
[1:54:05] months later. 3 months later, 3 years
[1:54:07] later, 30 years later,
[1:54:11] not on your deathbed now.
[1:54:16] May you join every previous
[1:54:18] disappearance with this new appearance,
[1:54:20] this new morning, this being seen again,
[1:54:23] new and newly alive.
[1:54:27] There's uh there's a moment in the Zen
[1:54:30] traditions um the great uh Zen master
[1:54:34] Uman or Yanman in Chinese
[1:54:37] uh he came awake uh when being uh when
[1:54:42] he was uh marooned in an inn on a pass.
[1:54:48] Uh it was marooned in in a snow
[1:54:51] blizzard. Yeah. And he was there for
[1:54:53] days. And he was there with an already
[1:54:55] enlightened master. And uh and the Zen
[1:54:59] the Zen master was just sleeping and
[1:55:02] enjoying himself and eating and and not
[1:55:05] worrying about things. But Oman was in
[1:55:07] pre-enlightenment mode. He was deeply
[1:55:10] disturbed. He was having a terrible
[1:55:11] time. And uh and then on the third day
[1:55:16] of him being so restless, the Zen master
[1:55:19] got really fed up of him and he said,
[1:55:22] "You fool." He said, "Don't you know
[1:55:24] that the treasure never comes in by the
[1:55:27] foot by the front gate?"
[1:55:30] And in that moment, Oman Yunman was
[1:55:34] enlightened.
[1:55:36] And uh we could work with we could work
[1:55:40] with that part around the treasure not
[1:55:42] coming in through the front gate. That's
[1:55:43] different. But the part that I love is
[1:55:46] he's he's at this pass and the pass is
[1:55:49] below this mountain called Tortoise
[1:55:50] Mountain.
[1:55:52] And Youngman suddenly is enlightened and
[1:55:55] says ah he says Tortois Mountain has
[1:55:59] finally awoken.
[1:56:02] Tais Mountain has come awake. Yeah.
[1:56:05] >> And what he's saying is uh is uh the
[1:56:08] whole of life is knocking on our door
[1:56:13] to invite us out. Um and we're so often
[1:56:17] not listening, not watching, not the not
[1:56:20] willing to leave the house that we're
[1:56:22] incarcerated in already. Uh everything's
[1:56:25] alive.
[1:56:29] >> Everything is waiting for us. Your great
[1:56:31] mistake is to act the drama as if you're
[1:56:34] alone. Your great mistake is to act the
[1:56:36] drama as if you're alone. As if as if
[1:56:38] life were a progressive and cunning
[1:56:41] crime with no witness to the tiny hidden
[1:56:44] transgressions. To feel abandoned is to
[1:56:48] deny the intimacy of your surroundings.
[1:56:52] Surely even you at times have felt the
[1:56:54] grand array, the swelling presence and
[1:56:57] the chorus crowding out your solo voice.
[1:57:01] You must note the way the soap dish
[1:57:04] enables you or the window latch grants
[1:57:08] you freedom. Alertness is the hidden
[1:57:12] discipline of familiarity.
[1:57:15] The stairs are your mentor of things to
[1:57:17] come.
[1:57:18] The doors have always been there to
[1:57:20] frighten you and invite you. At the tiny
[1:57:24] speaker in the phone is your dream
[1:57:27] letter to divinity.
[1:57:30] Put down the weight of your aloneeness.
[1:57:33] Put down the weight of your aloneeness
[1:57:35] and ease into the conversation.
[1:57:37] The kettle is singing even as it pours
[1:57:40] you a drink. The cooking pots have left
[1:57:42] their arrogant aloofness and seen the
[1:57:45] good in you at last. All the birds and
[1:57:49] creatures of the world are unutterably
[1:57:52] themselves. Everything Everything is
[1:57:55] waiting for you. I'm thinking of a time
[1:57:58] where I was uh deeply incarcerated in
[1:58:01] myself and it was just coming out of uh
[1:58:05] a marriage. Uh and [snorts] there's
[1:58:08] nothing more poignant when you are
[1:58:09] leaving a marriage than being invited to
[1:58:12] someone else's wedding. Yeah. and uh um
[1:58:18] and I was invited to uh a classic 3-day
[1:58:22] wedding in Ireland, Irish friends of
[1:58:24] mine at a beautiful place that I
[1:58:27] recommended to them actually, a place
[1:58:29] called Gragan's Castle out in County
[1:58:32] Clare, surrounded by the limestone
[1:58:34] mountains of the Burnon. And we had a
[1:58:36] great old time there. And of course,
[1:58:38] even though I was leaving uh a marriage,
[1:58:41] the ceremony is so powerful. One thing,
[1:58:44] one thing I love about wedding ceremony
[1:58:46] is they're so short, but they're so
[1:58:48] punchy and powerful. And here are two
[1:58:51] people despite all the evidence making a
[1:58:54] courageous promise to the world. And
[1:58:56] it's you I found it just as moving.
[1:59:00] But you know three days of this
[1:59:02] intensity and it was there was there was
[1:59:05] uh there was wonderful uh food and
[1:59:08] drink, there was dancing, there was
[1:59:09] music, there was singing you know but
[1:59:12] eventually I said said to a woman I knew
[1:59:15] who worked at the hotel bridey
[1:59:18] was actually a childhood friend of
[1:59:20] John's. I saidy tell me a place I don't
[1:59:23] know in this area. I know it so well but
[1:59:25] tell you grew up here. Tell me a place I
[1:59:27] don't know. I just need a new
[1:59:29] perspective. somewhere to blow the
[1:59:31] cobwebs away. And she said, "Do you know
[1:59:34] uh Cara and Cara Anadurish?" I said,
[1:59:37] "No." She said, "It's around the back of
[1:59:40] Kappa Mountain there. You just take that
[1:59:42] little boring, that little lane round
[1:59:44] the back of it, and you'll come to a
[1:59:46] crossroads. And when you get to the
[1:59:47] crossroads, you'll see a little
[1:59:48] farmhouse on your right. That's where I
[1:59:50] grew up." Yeah. And then if you look up
[1:59:52] the hill to your left, you'll see this
[1:59:55] little boring, this little lane going up
[1:59:57] to the top of the hill. Go up there.
[1:59:59] It's gorgeous. You're looking down into
[2:00:01] the Kahar Valley. You're looking out to
[2:00:05] over the Atlantic, you know, and it'll
[2:00:07] do your power good to go up there. I
[2:00:10] said, "Great. That sounds perfect." So,
[2:00:11] I did. I drove up, found the little lane
[2:00:14] around the back of Capawalia Mountain,
[2:00:16] came to the crossroads, saw the
[2:00:17] farmhouse, looked up, and I see these
[2:00:20] two limestone walls on either side of
[2:00:22] the road,
[2:00:24] and they're
[2:00:26] they're meeting almost at the ridge in
[2:00:29] perfect Italian Renaissance perspective.
[2:00:32] Yeah. Except they don't quite meet.
[2:00:34] There's a little door of light there.
[2:00:38] And I just felt as I stood at the bottom
[2:00:41] of that road that I could walk up that
[2:00:43] road, through that doorway of light and
[2:00:47] off into the thin air of my new life.
[2:00:51] And so this is the piece I wrote about
[2:00:53] it. It's called Just Beyond Yourself.
[2:00:57] And it's about those inner and outer
[2:00:59] horizons really coming together suddenly
[2:01:02] out of nowhere um
[2:01:05] just beyond yourself.
[2:01:08] just beyond yourself. It's where you
[2:01:10] need to be.
[2:01:12] Half a step, just half a step into self
[2:01:15] forgetting and the rest restored by what
[2:01:19] you'll meet.
[2:01:21] There's a road always beckoning.
[2:01:24] When you see the two sides of it closing
[2:01:27] together at that far horizon and deep in
[2:01:30] the foundations of your own heart at
[2:01:32] exactly the same time.
[2:01:36] That's how you know it's where you have
[2:01:39] to go.
[2:01:40] That's how you know it's the road you
[2:01:43] have to follow. That's how you know.
[2:01:46] That's how you know you have to go. It's
[2:01:49] just beyond yourself. It's where you
[2:01:52] need to be.
[2:01:57] Just half a step into self forgetting
[2:02:00] or constantly trying to be the spiritual
[2:02:03] warrior, you know, the hero. Half a
[2:02:06] step. Just turn your face towards it.
[2:02:09] Just lean against it. Um,
[2:02:13] just fall even in the direction in which
[2:02:16] you're supposed to go. [laughter]
[2:02:20] Half a step into self-forgetting and the
[2:02:23] rest restored by what you'll meet.
[2:02:26] There's a road always beckoning. There's
[2:02:29] a road always beckoning.
[2:02:32] When you see the two sides of it,
[2:02:34] closing together at that far horizon and
[2:02:38] deep in the foundations of your own
[2:02:41] heart at exactly the same time. That's
[2:02:44] how you know it's where you have to go.
[2:02:47] That's how you know it's the road you
[2:02:50] have to follow. That's how you know.
[2:02:54] That's how you know you have to go. It's
[2:02:58] just beyond yourself.
[2:03:00] It's where you need to be.
[2:03:04] >> It's so good. Thank you for sharing. Um,
[2:03:07] one last thing is that because
[2:03:09] >> on this podcast I have the privilege of
[2:03:12] sitting with great minds such as
[2:03:13] yourself, great hearts such as yourself,
[2:03:15] and
[2:03:17] >> um, I find moments where there's like a
[2:03:20] really like a timeless pocket that we
[2:03:22] jump into,
[2:03:23] >> which we had. Yeah.
[2:03:24] >> Wish we had. And which
[2:03:26] >> is the uh,
[2:03:28] >> preferred state that I I try to look for
[2:03:31] when we're thinking of who to have
[2:03:32] conversations with on the show. And um
[2:03:35] there's a beautiful thing I read you
[2:03:37] wrote about questions themselves, you
[2:03:39] know, and how often I mean in my words,
[2:03:42] we we're always searching for this
[2:03:44] satisfactory, satiating answer to the
[2:03:47] questions that were so um
[2:03:51] so so desperately going after at times
[2:03:54] >> as opposed to appreciating the
[2:03:56] transformative quality of living in
[2:03:58] questions themselves.
[2:03:59] >> Yes. Um, is it enough for you to chew on
[2:04:02] if I if I uh
[2:04:04] >> Yes. about what questions themselves
[2:04:07] have the capacity to?
[2:04:09] >> Yeah. And you're also talking about
[2:04:10] arrival, supposed arrival in some place.
[2:04:13] Yeah.
[2:04:14] >> The thing about arrival is there are
[2:04:17] arrivals in life uh and ones to
[2:04:20] celebrate to, but they almost if it's a
[2:04:22] true arrival, it's almost always
[2:04:25] transforms into something totally
[2:04:27] surprising. Yeah. And it's the beginning
[2:04:29] of a new invitation.
[2:04:32] So I think if I finish with u this piece
[2:04:35] which is about arriving at the supposed
[2:04:38] end point. It's called Santiago.
[2:04:41] >> Yeah.
[2:04:41] >> So we have this 500 mile pilgrimage
[2:04:44] across northern Spain.
[2:04:46] >> Yeah. Different than the one you shared
[2:04:47] earlier.
[2:04:48] >> Santiago. Yeah. Yeah. This is Yeah. That
[2:04:50] was for the road to Santiago. This is
[2:04:52] arriving at Santiago. So it's perfect to
[2:04:54] finish there. How did we arrange
[2:04:56] [laughter] this so well? [clears throat]
[2:04:58] But um
[2:05:01] yeah, it was the last poem I wrote in a
[2:05:03] cycle of poems called uh Pilgrim,
[2:05:06] >> which we're just about to
[2:05:09] uh revise and expand and reprint
[2:05:12] actually. But uh I wrote this actually
[2:05:15] on first of all I began it at my
[2:05:17] friend's flat in Oxford, England. And
[2:05:20] then I wrote the whole almost the whole
[2:05:22] thing on uh upstairs in the 747 flying.
[2:05:27] I was 5 hours sitting and what I was
[2:05:30] working with was trying to blend all the
[2:05:32] tenses together so that you got that
[2:05:35] timeless experience you know of
[2:05:37] everything happening all at once which
[2:05:39] is how we actually experience things at
[2:05:41] a deep level.
[2:05:44] um
[2:05:46] the soul doesn't experience time in the
[2:05:48] way the personality experiences it.
[2:05:52] So this is and I knew I'd done it when
[2:05:55] when that dissolution of time happened
[2:05:57] in the poem
[2:06:01] and I knew I'd been sat for 5 hours to
[2:06:03] because I stood up and fell over. My
[2:06:05] legs had fallen asleep. [laughter]
[2:06:12] So this is uh this is Santiago.
[2:06:18] The road seen then not seen.
[2:06:22] The road seen then not seen. The
[2:06:25] hillside hiding then revealing the way
[2:06:28] you should take. The road dropping away
[2:06:31] from you. As if leaving you to walk on
[2:06:34] thin air, then catching you, holding you
[2:06:37] up when you thought you would fall.
[2:06:41] The road seen
[2:06:43] then not seen. The hillside hiding then
[2:06:47] revealing the way you should take. The
[2:06:49] road dropping away from you as if
[2:06:51] leaving you to walk on thin air then
[2:06:54] catching you holding you up when you
[2:06:57] thought you would fall. And the way
[2:06:59] forward always in the end just the way
[2:07:02] that you came. The way forward always in
[2:07:05] the end just the way that you came. Just
[2:07:07] the way that you followed that carried
[2:07:09] you into your future that brought you to
[2:07:11] this place that brought you to this
[2:07:13] place. No matter that it sometimes had
[2:07:17] to take your promise from you. No matter
[2:07:20] that it always had to break your heart
[2:07:23] along the way.
[2:07:25] The sense of having walked from deep
[2:07:28] inside yourself out into the revelation.
[2:07:32] to have risked yourself for something
[2:07:33] that seemed to stand both far inside you
[2:07:36] and far beyond you and that called you
[2:07:39] back in the end to the only road you
[2:07:42] could follow. Walking as you did in your
[2:07:46] rags of love and speaking in the voice
[2:07:50] that by night became a prayer for safe
[2:07:53] arrival.
[2:07:55] So that one day one day you realize that
[2:07:58] what you wanted had actually already
[2:08:00] happened. One day you realize that what
[2:08:02] you wanted had actually already happened
[2:08:06] and long ago and in the dwelling place
[2:08:08] in which you lived before you began. And
[2:08:12] that every step along the way, every
[2:08:15] step along the way, you had carried the
[2:08:17] heart and the mind and the promise that
[2:08:20] first set you off and then drew you on.
[2:08:23] And that and that you are more marvelous
[2:08:27] in your simple wish to find a way than
[2:08:31] the gilded roofs of any destination you
[2:08:33] could reach. You were more marvelous in
[2:08:36] your simple wish to find a way than the
[2:08:40] gilded roofs of any destination you
[2:08:43] could reach. You were more marvelous in
[2:08:46] your simple wish to find a way than the
[2:08:50] gilded roofs of any destination you
[2:08:53] could reach. As if all along you thought
[2:08:55] the end point might be a city with
[2:08:57] golden domes and cheering crowds and
[2:09:00] turning the corner at what you thought
[2:09:01] was the end of the road, you found just
[2:09:05] a simple reflection and a clear
[2:09:08] revelation beneath the face looking
[2:09:10] back. And beneath that,
[2:09:13] another invitation.
[2:09:16] All in one glimpse, like a person or a
[2:09:20] place you had sought forever, like a
[2:09:24] bold field of freedom that beckoned you
[2:09:26] beyond. [snorts and clears throat] Like
[2:09:29] another life and the road the road still
[2:09:33] stretching on.
[2:09:37] like another life and the road still
[2:09:41] stretching on.
[2:09:48] >> Thank you, David.
[2:09:49] >> Thank you very much.
[2:09:53] [music]