Transcript
[0:02] So, hello everyone and
[0:05] nice to be back
[0:08] even though
[0:11] there's a lot of this uh setting up for
[0:13] YouTube here with
[0:15] all the
[0:16] technology that has to be turned on just
[0:19] right.
[0:21] In some ways it's easier maybe to just
[0:23] use um the laptop straight to
[0:26] but uh we have a whole sound system and
[0:29] technology for Audio Dharma
[0:32] recording and involves lots of
[0:33] volunteers and
[0:35] so that they use the whole system here
[0:37] at IMC.
[0:42] So,
[0:44] I just came back from teaching a retreat
[0:46] at IRC. It was
[0:48] wonderful to be there and
[0:51] in some ways I
[0:54] carry it still with me.
[0:57] And um
[1:01] so we'll begin maybe a simple meditation
[1:04] today but
[1:05] a little unusual way to begin
[1:07] not meant to be a big technique
[1:10] but it's something that might
[1:12] occasionally be useful for you.
[1:14] And that is at the beginning of a
[1:16] sitting just a few times
[1:19] when you breathe in
[1:22] um
[1:25] hold your breath before you breathe out.
[1:28] And really use that because you're that
[1:31] strong urge to exhale is there.
[1:35] Let that bring you into your body more.
[1:38] It's so that your thoughts about other
[1:40] places, other times, mind that wanders
[1:43] off
[1:45] that's ruminating kind of begins to
[1:47] quiet down because now something
[1:49] important is happening that you have to
[1:51] breathe.
[1:52] You don't hold your breath for long but
[1:54] just enough to get that sense of being
[1:56] gathered, coming here.
[2:00] Occasionally if stop just at the top of
[2:03] the inhale,
[2:05] you might actually feel an urge to
[2:07] breathe in even a little bit more.
[2:09] And if that happens, maybe give in to it
[2:12] and hold for a few seconds more. Just
[2:14] feel the body, feel what's going on.
[2:19] And we'll do that for a few breaths, and
[2:21] then
[2:22] do the same with the exhale.
[2:25] Uh
[2:25] hold Breathe out just a natural natural
[2:28] exhale.
[2:30] And don't breathe in. Just hold it
[2:32] there.
[2:34] And sometimes you might feel that
[2:36] the
[2:37] by holding and feeling your body,
[2:40] something in your body begins to settle,
[2:42] begins to relax, even though you might
[2:44] have a
[2:45] the desire to breathe in, something
[2:48] relaxes and just in that full body
[2:53] tuning in.
[2:55] And sometimes when you hold the breath,
[2:57] you can feel that there's more room to
[2:59] exhale further.
[3:02] And after a while of letting go,
[3:04] relaxing in the body,
[3:06] allows for a deeper exhale.
[3:10] So, this is not meant to make you winded
[3:12] or
[3:13] you know, put you up against some kind
[3:15] of the place where you're worried about
[3:17] breathing in or get anxious. Just a
[3:20] little bit as a way of gathering
[3:22] yourself, being
[3:24] re- as a ritual of become
[3:26] being here now in this body and this
[3:29] breath at this time.
[3:33] So, to begin
[3:35] by assuming a
[3:38] >> [clears throat]
[3:40] >> a posture that's adjusted in some way
[3:45] to support you to be alert.
[3:50] The positioning of your hands,
[3:53] your arms,
[4:01] that somehow express
[4:05] that you'll be here now.
[4:13] If the hands are just casually put down
[4:16] in front of you and held together,
[4:17] perhaps.
[4:19] Maybe you can put them on your thighs.
[4:22] Sometimes thought hands down on the
[4:24] thighs
[4:26] is an expression of being here being
[4:28] alert and being ready.
[4:36] And if it's comfortable for you to
[4:38] gently close your eyes.
[4:47] And before we do this
[4:49] breath exercise,
[4:51] you might take it just a few deeper,
[4:53] fuller breaths, comfortably fuller.
[4:57] And exhale on the exhale. The relax on
[5:00] the exhale.
[5:24] And then letting your breathing return
[5:25] to normal.
[5:28] No special effort to breathe any special
[5:30] way.
[5:31] Just take a few breaths to check in with
[5:34] your breathing.
[5:36] Just get to know how it is.
[5:39] The best of your ability not to be
[5:41] troubled or think it should be
[5:42] different.
[5:43] Just kind of
[5:45] saying hello and
[5:48] to your body breathing.
[6:10] >> And then without breathing
[6:13] deeper, fuller.
[6:16] When you get to the top of the inhale
[6:21] don't breathe out. Just hold it there
[6:23] for a little bit.
[6:28] And let that be an occasion for feeling
[6:31] more connected to your body.
[6:34] And then release.
[6:39] And maybe do that a two or three times.
[7:02] And then do it a few more times but this
[7:05] time
[7:07] as you hold your inhale
[7:12] at the top
[7:14] feeling your body
[7:15] see if there's some way that the body
[7:18] can relax and settle
[7:20] before you exhale.
[7:30] And then when
[7:32] the exhale
[7:35] and relax more.
[7:50] Holding at the top of the inhale
[7:54] is kind of like having a
[7:58] firm column
[8:01] around which everything attached to the
[8:03] column can hang freely and relax.
[8:08] The shoulders, the arms,
[8:12] the torso,
[8:14] the rib cage,
[8:16] the belly.
[8:31] And then take a few normal breaths and
[8:34] don't hold your inhale any more.
[8:53] And then to
[8:56] exhale in a normal way, nothing special,
[8:59] and
[9:00] at the end of the exhale,
[9:04] hold off from breathing in.
[9:08] Hold your breath in a sense.
[9:11] Again, to feel your body more fully.
[9:19] Not very long.
[9:21] Not to get tense or stressed by this.
[9:25] Just a little bit to feel your body more
[9:28] fully.
[9:39] Thinking that the holding your breath is
[9:41] like an invitation
[9:45] to feel your body more fully.
[10:06] And if things on your body wants to
[10:08] relax,
[10:11] relax with that then. at the end of the
[10:14] out breath
[10:16] and that held breath.
[10:19] Maybe in a way that has the exhale
[10:20] continue a bit on its own.
[10:44] And then three times.
[10:48] Breathe three more times
[10:51] with a holding at the end of the inhale
[10:54] and the end of the exhale.
[10:59] Making sure it's not too long.
[11:02] But as a way of feeling and maybe
[11:04] relaxing your body more fully.
[11:10] Settling into your body.
[11:15] Out of your thoughts into your body.
[11:39] And now
[11:44] no longer do this exercise.
[11:48] And begin sitting here
[11:51] meditating on your own.
[11:55] Breathing body.
[12:08] Maybe there's a natural settling into
[12:11] the body and breathing.
[12:22] It calls on your attention
[12:26] to be here now with this experience.
[16:21] >> Mhm.
[18:23] >> Mhm.
[20:26] >> Mhm.
[22:10] >> What would it be like
[22:13] for you to trust
[22:16] the body breathing, the breathing that
[22:19] the body does.
[22:23] Whatever it might be. It's okay.
[22:29] Relax into it. Open up.
[22:33] Allow it. Feel it.
[22:37] Accompany your breathing as it is.
[24:20] And as we come to the end of this
[24:22] breathing,
[24:24] to begin
[24:26] to end how we began.
[24:30] Take a
[24:31] at the end of the inhale.
[24:35] Stop for a moment. Don't breathe out.
[24:40] But now, after stopping for a moment
[24:45] and feeling
[24:49] the lungs are full, they're open,
[24:51] they're expanded.
[24:54] And then, breathe in a little bit more
[24:58] to continue this opening, expanding,
[25:01] filling movement of the
[25:03] lungs.
[25:10] Do it a few times with each time that
[25:13] you keep expanding your inhale.
[25:18] You're opening up with a big yes
[25:21] to the wider world.
[25:24] Yes.
[25:26] And being present, being attentive.
[25:32] Being here to meet the day.
[25:51] And then, letting the breathing return
[25:52] to normal.
[25:54] But continue with a orientation now
[26:00] directed outward into the world.
[26:08] And as you breathe in and breathe out
[26:11] imagine that you're accompanying the
[26:13] world
[26:17] with a presence and attention
[26:20] that is medicine for the world.
[26:24] If you're alarmed or upset
[26:27] filled with desires
[26:30] opinions and views.
[26:34] You might not be the medicine that the
[26:35] world needs.
[26:39] But if you accompany it with
[26:43] simple awareness, kindness, presence,
[26:48] willingness to
[26:51] see everyone
[26:54] with care,
[26:58] maybe then your attention is medicine.
[27:07] May this meditation that we do
[27:11] teach us to step into the world
[27:14] as medicine.
[27:16] Step into the world without our anger,
[27:19] despair,
[27:23] desires, conceit,
[27:28] but just step in the world with care and
[27:31] love and kindness.
[27:35] You did You never know who you will
[27:38] disarm
[27:40] if you treat them with kindness and
[27:42] friendliness.
[27:45] May all beings be happy.
[27:50] May all beings
[27:53] be safe.
[27:56] May all beings
[27:59] be peaceful.
[28:03] May all beings be free.
[28:21] Thank you.
[29:01] >> Hello and nice to be here on this Monday
[29:05] to begin this next series.
[29:09] And
[29:11] >> [clears throat]
[29:11] >> last time I was here I
[29:14] thought I would spend 5 days talking a
[29:16] little bit about my practice life.
[29:19] Thinking 5 days was enough.
[29:22] And but I
[29:24] I didn't get as far as I hoped and so
[29:26] today this week I'll continue.
[29:31] So in 1982 I was ordained as a Zen monk
[29:36] a Zen priest.
[29:38] And now to dedicate my life to both to
[29:41] the practice and to somehow I
[29:45] in some way that I didn't know how
[29:47] to address the suffering of the world at
[29:49] at its roots at its core.
[29:53] It was clear I wanted to
[29:55] somehow live to make this world a better
[29:57] place and
[30:00] and to help people become free of their
[30:03] core deepest suffering.
[30:06] I didn't have much ambition of what that
[30:08] would look like or how I would do it. I
[30:10] thought it would be a long-term project.
[30:12] I'd be practicing as a monk for a long
[30:14] time
[30:16] before I would be ready to teach.
[30:20] And
[30:22] and that was in 1982.
[30:24] And then in 1980
[30:27] three
[30:28] about
[30:31] the there was two things that happened.
[30:32] First my father was going to go to work
[30:35] in Japan for a year
[30:37] and he invited me to come along and he'd
[30:39] pay my ticket there.
[30:41] And the second is that um the abbot of
[30:44] the Zen monastery where I practice in
[30:47] had a uh
[30:49] ethical scandal lapse.
[30:51] Uh
[30:52] and so I was set free from his
[30:56] um
[30:59] being his student. I'd been ordained by
[31:01] him.
[31:02] And so I accepted my father's offer for
[31:06] a ticket to Japan.
[31:08] And I knew when I went to Japan that I
[31:10] would need an
[31:11] I would go on a tourist visa, but I
[31:13] would need an to leave at in order to
[31:16] get a new visa to stay for longer.
[31:19] And back then for $25 more,
[31:23] I was able to buy a ticket not round
[31:25] trip to Tokyo, but round trip to Bangkok
[31:29] with a free stopover in Tokyo both
[31:32] directions.
[31:33] So that for $25, that seemed like a
[31:36] great deal.
[31:38] And um so I went to Japan and I was I
[31:43] had I knew a um
[31:45] Zen monk in America, Japanese monk who
[31:48] had come to visit for a year.
[31:50] And he set me up to be able to do a
[31:53] practice period, 3-month retreat, a Zen
[31:55] retreat at a
[31:57] at a considered to be one of the
[32:00] um
[32:01] one of maybe one of the best places to
[32:03] do Zen practice [clears throat] in Japan
[32:05] because it was relatively small.
[32:08] It was uh about 36 monks instead of the
[32:11] the bigger monasteries that in my the
[32:13] tradition I was in was much bigger.
[32:16] And while I was in Japan waiting for
[32:18] that practice period to start, I decided
[32:20] I would
[32:21] >> [clears throat]
[32:22] >> do a few things.
[32:24] One is I had almost no money, so I
[32:26] thought I would um
[32:28] it was easy to get a job teaching
[32:30] English. So I set myself up and I had
[32:33] about 10 days or so a week two weeks
[32:35] before that job was going to start.
[32:37] And so I went to sit a retreat at a
[32:40] monastery, this Zen monastery, a
[32:42] week-long retreat.
[32:44] And during that retreat, I was thinking,
[32:47] you know, I came to Japan to study Zen,
[32:50] not to teach English. Even though I
[32:52] don't have any money, I'm going to take
[32:54] my chance and cancel my job and and just
[32:59] trust my trust that somehow I'm going to
[33:00] dedicate myself to Zen to Zen the
[33:02] practice.
[33:04] Well, at the end of that 7-day the
[33:06] ritual custom was to offer It was
[33:08] offered for free the training there, but
[33:11] to offer a little bit of a gift to the
[33:13] abbot and to the monastery.
[33:15] So, you do it in a ceremonial way. You
[33:17] put it in a nice little envelope and go
[33:19] to his office and bow and I handed him
[33:22] the envelope with a little bit of money
[33:24] and said, "Thank you."
[33:26] And they asked about me.
[33:28] And I said, "Well, I was a you know, he
[33:30] saw I was a Zen monk."
[33:32] And but I said, "Well, I lost my teacher
[33:35] in America and now I'm in Japan,
[33:38] you know, traveling around looking
[33:39] practicing."
[33:41] And and he understood me to be a ronin
[33:44] monk. Ronin samurai is samurai without a
[33:48] master.
[33:49] So, I was a monk without a teacher.
[33:52] So, he said, "Wait a minute." And he
[33:53] went into a back room and he came back
[33:55] with a special envelope for me and
[33:58] handed me an envelope with money.
[34:00] And he said, "This is train money. The
[34:03] custom in Japan if a monk doesn't have a
[34:05] teacher, you give them train money so
[34:07] they can be afforded to go around and
[34:09] until they found a find a teacher for
[34:11] themselves."
[34:13] And um
[34:15] And so then I I
[34:16] thanked him and later opened the
[34:17] envelope and he'd given me more money
[34:20] than I gave him.
[34:22] And so here I, you know,
[34:24] decided to give up earning any income
[34:27] which had seemed reasonable so little
[34:28] money I had and right away I was being
[34:31] supported
[34:32] uh
[34:33] to
[34:34] to take the take the Buddhist path
[34:36] there.
[34:38] And
[34:39] I practiced in Japan in different
[34:41] places. It was very interesting to be
[34:42] there for a while.
[34:44] But I needed to get that new visa. So, I
[34:47] went to Bangkok after 3 months.
[34:50] And then the with the idea of coming
[34:52] back for this 3-month practice period.
[34:55] And um
[34:57] and on the plane there,
[34:59] I wondered what I should do and
[35:02] I was a Zen monk priest and people were
[35:06] talking to me about their practice and
[35:08] people were having meditation
[35:09] experiences I hadn't had and I felt that
[35:11] I didn't have to have those experiences,
[35:13] but I should have the map and understand
[35:15] a little bit
[35:16] about how this works.
[35:19] And I thought well, first I thought I'll
[35:20] just travel around to different
[35:22] monasteries in Thailand and talk to
[35:24] different meditation teachers and ask
[35:26] them questions about meditation.
[35:29] And then I thought, no, I should just go
[35:30] to one place
[35:32] and do whatever the practice they wanted
[35:34] to teach and really kind of go as deeply
[35:37] as I can with the one person's teaching.
[35:40] And I happened to have a address of a
[35:43] monastery
[35:44] uh where a friend of a friend was a
[35:46] monk,
[35:47] a Westerner.
[35:49] And um and uh it was and so I it's just
[35:52] in the outskirts outskirts of Bangkok.
[35:55] So, when I went I went out there and it
[35:57] was a little bit small,
[35:59] maybe funky,
[36:01] dog patch, kind of a little bit chaotic,
[36:03] a little bit very simple
[36:05] um
[36:06] monastery and
[36:08] it was surrounded by s-
[36:09] rice fields and little bit of swamps.
[36:13] And um and I went there and said, "I'm
[36:16] here. Tell me what to do."
[36:18] And uh and he gave me a little hut on
[36:21] the edge of the swamps with on stilts
[36:23] above the swamps
[36:25] uh to be my my little meditation hut.
[36:29] And he told me to go and meditate uh
[36:32] uh do 15 minutes of seated meditation
[36:34] and 15 minutes of walking meditation all
[36:36] day long and then come see him the next
[36:39] day. And he gave me a little bit of
[36:40] Vipassanā insight instruction.
[36:43] And I protested that um as Zen priest I
[36:46] done a lot of practice and I could sit
[36:48] for more than 15 minutes and he insisted
[36:50] that's what you have to do.
[36:53] So, I did that and every day he
[36:54] increased how long I sat
[36:56] and he gave me instructions.
[36:58] And I waited for my visa to come.
[37:01] And um and after 10 weeks I um
[37:06] I was still waiting. I decided after 10
[37:07] weeks that maybe the visa wasn't going
[37:09] to come.
[37:11] Uh so, that first uh retreat, the
[37:13] Vipassanā Insight Retreat was 10 weeks
[37:15] long and I practiced pretty much all day
[37:18] long
[37:19] and uh once a day I saw the abbot.
[37:22] And um and I'd never sat so intensely
[37:25] before and so fully and devotedly.
[37:29] And um I became stiller, more
[37:31] concentrated than I ever had before,
[37:33] ever had in Zen. Zen retreats the
[37:35] longest is 7 days
[37:37] and this was like a Zen retreat, but for
[37:38] 10 weeks.
[37:41] And um
[37:42] and uh
[37:44] I touched something. Uh all kinds of
[37:45] things happened there, but one of the
[37:47] things is I touched something very deep
[37:49] that I'd never touched before
[37:51] and it was kind of like I had no choice.
[37:53] I had to go touch it again.
[37:56] And um
[37:57] and so I went back to Japan
[37:59] and uh did the retreat I was going to do
[38:01] there, but it wasn't really so great for
[38:04] me anymore. I wasn't so into it cuz I
[38:06] wanted to go back and continue this
[38:08] to touch this really deep place inside.
[38:11] Um but I finished the year in Japan.
[38:14] But a couple of things happened in that
[38:16] monastery. It was 10 weeks.
[38:17] One was a wonderful event where um so, I
[38:20] was there was these planks across the
[38:23] swamps to get to the steps to the little
[38:25] hut I had.
[38:27] And um and uh there was a little porch
[38:30] and um so, one day I was doing my
[38:32] morning meditation and inside the hut
[38:34] tonight
[38:35] got up to open the door
[38:37] and at the end of the planks going
[38:38] across the swamps I saw a monk walking
[38:41] away from me. You know, the only place
[38:43] he could come from is my my my hut.
[38:46] And um
[38:49] and he'd left an apple for me on the
[38:50] doorstep.
[38:53] And um
[38:55] and I looked at that apple, looked at
[38:57] him walking away, and what struck me was
[39:00] he would never know
[39:02] that he was the one who left that apple
[39:04] for me.
[39:06] And this idea of that kind of selfless
[39:08] giving, giving without any credit, and
[39:11] wanting to be recognized for it.
[39:13] Something and maybe because I was so
[39:15] still and quiet and peaceful, it made a
[39:18] big impact on me on the way of being
[39:20] generous and a generosity and
[39:23] and this movement there in that
[39:25] monastery of just food was given and
[39:27] teachings were given and the abbot gave
[39:30] and
[39:32] and uh apples were given.
[39:34] Uh was very moving for me.
[39:36] So, between this deep inner stillness
[39:38] that I touched and this generosity that
[39:41] I felt, uh I was very moved and changed
[39:44] by that experience.
[39:46] And there was a kind of a deep purity
[39:50] that woke or appeared as I kept sitting
[39:54] all these weeks
[39:56] that I never had experienced before and
[39:59] a kind of an ethical purity.
[40:01] And um and in fact, I would not have
[40:03] used the word purity before that because
[40:07] uh I didn't trust purity. It was
[40:08] puritanical somehow and the idea was
[40:11] kind of too idealistic.
[40:14] But that was the only language I could
[40:15] use for what I was feeling inside. It
[40:17] was felt so beautiful and so clean.
[40:21] And uh and then and then it was kind of
[40:24] an ethical, like, wow.
[40:26] So, that first 10 weeks was made a big
[40:29] impact on me and I said, wow.
[40:32] And uh to feel the joy around being
[40:35] ethical, to feel that the ethics come
[40:37] out of this purity where
[40:39] you didn't want to
[40:41] soil that purity, that cleanliness.
[40:45] To feel the depth of stillness and touch
[40:47] something really deep inside that was a
[40:50] place that was more important, more
[40:53] core something to anything else that
[40:55] I've ever experienced before.
[40:58] So, I did go back to Japan to finish my
[41:01] year there.
[41:03] And I had a ticket to go back to San
[41:05] Francisco, so I came back to Zen Center.
[41:08] And with the intention of earning to
[41:10] make the money to go back to
[41:12] Southeast Asia
[41:14] to practice more of this Vipassanā
[41:16] practice.
[41:17] And I would
[41:18] San Francisco Zen Zen Center was very
[41:19] generous for me.
[41:21] When I I asked them if I could get free
[41:23] free room and board, so I can earn that
[41:26] money to go back go back to practice.
[41:28] They agreed.
[41:31] So, I worked at a restaurant at
[41:33] probably close to minimum wage, but I
[41:35] didn't have to pay for room and board.
[41:38] And after 3 months, I had a
[41:40] you know, I was phenomenally wealthy for
[41:43] a monk. I had
[41:45] amassed
[41:46] $2,000.
[41:48] And
[41:49] and with that,
[41:51] I then returned to Asia.
[41:54] And when I returned when I went back, I
[41:56] did not buy a return ticket.
[41:58] Um that was the last thing on my mind.
[42:01] The only thing that mattered was a
[42:03] little bit of almost like a dark night
[42:05] of the soul time, but it wasn't exactly
[42:07] difficult time, but I was compelled.
[42:09] There was no choice
[42:11] but to go back to continue what I
[42:13] started in that 10-week retreat. Uh and
[42:17] um
[42:17] and I was going for the duration.
[42:20] Meaning I was going to
[42:24] it was open-ended. I didn't know if I'd
[42:26] ever come back or what would happen, and
[42:28] I was just going there to do to give
[42:30] myself to the practice.
[42:32] And
[42:33] and see what happened.
[42:36] So, that was in
[42:38] that must have been in
[42:41] the
[42:44] 1985.
[42:47] And
[42:48] uh 80
[42:50] Yeah, 1985, I think.
[42:53] So, '82 I was ordained, '83 beginning of
[42:58] '82
[42:59] end of '83, near the end of September, I
[43:01] went to Japan.
[43:03] '84 I came back, worked, and then in
[43:06] January of '85 I went back to um
[43:11] to go to
[43:12] Southeast Asia and continue with this
[43:15] Vipassana practice.
[43:16] And continue this adventure.
[43:20] So.
[43:22] Thank you.
