Personality and Happiness: What Introvertsand Extroverts Can Learn

Transcript

[0:00] I want to talk today about personality

[0:02] and [music] how personality affects

[0:03] happiness. Specifically, I want to talk

[0:05] about one aspect [music] of personality,

[0:08] extroversion. How extroversion versus

[0:10] introversion affects happiness.

[0:12] Extroverts are not a lot happier.

[0:14] Extroverts are a little happier on

[0:16] average. Not only do they have sort of

[0:18] more intense periods of of well-being,

[0:21] but their general well-being is

[0:22] punctuated by frequent [music] moments

[0:25] of joy. And so, I want to talk about why

[0:27] that is. How can introverts as

[0:29] introverts be happier [music] people?

[0:31] And then what can extroverts learn from

[0:34] introverts? Because it turns out that

[0:36] there are some very important things

[0:37] that they can learn that can lead to a

[0:39] lot greater happiness for everybody.

[0:48] Hey friends, welcome [music] to Office

[0:50] Hours. I'm Arthur Brooks. This is a show

[0:52] about love and happiness. How you can

[0:54] live a better life using science and

[0:56] ideas. [music] And that's my mission in

[0:58] life. Thank you for joining me in that

[0:59] mission, for learning these ideas to

[1:01] give yourself a better life, but also to

[1:03] teach these ideas to other people. We

[1:05] are a movement of happiness teachers

[1:08] based not just on woowoo, really based

[1:11] on the best science that's available,

[1:13] the best that's been written and thought

[1:15] by academics and sensible people all

[1:17] over the world, which I know includes

[1:19] you. I'm grateful to you for joining me

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[3:01] of all of all sites. Um what a what

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[4:06] how it feels. What are we talking about

[4:09] today? I want to talk today about

[4:10] personality and how personality affects

[4:13] happiness. Specifically, I want to talk

[4:15] about one aspect of personality,

[4:17] extroversion. How extroversion versus

[4:20] introversion affects happiness. Whether

[4:22] or not there are things that extroverts

[4:24] and introverts can learn from each

[4:25] other. And my answer to cut to the chase

[4:27] is yeah, they absolutely can. I'm going

[4:29] to talk to you about what gives the

[4:30] greatest tendency toward happiness, but

[4:33] why that's not a set thing. On the

[4:35] contrary, when we learn from each other

[4:37] for the great gifts that extroverts and

[4:39] introverts uniquely bring, when when we

[4:41] can adopt, no matter who you are, adopt

[4:43] the other styles approach to life, your

[4:46] life can get a lot better. And it gives

[4:48] me an opportunity to talk about this

[4:49] fascinating field of personality

[4:52] science. There are many personality

[4:54] psychologists out there and I want to

[4:55] give you a little glimpse into their

[4:56] work. This is something that I like to

[4:58] talk about an awful lot. I think you'll

[4:59] find it interesting and if you find it

[5:00] interesting enough I'll know because of

[5:02] what you leave in the comments and I

[5:04] will do whole shows about each aspect of

[5:06] personality going forward. It's really

[5:08] up to you. Now some time ago um a friend

[5:11] of mine who also does a lot of work on

[5:14] on on mass education around social

[5:17] science. He's not an academic like me.

[5:18] He's actually a journalist. He's a

[5:19] columnist for many years. But he's very

[5:21] interested in how social science and

[5:23] behavioral science can be used in the

[5:25] public interest. and he sent me a link

[5:27] to a survey based on academic research

[5:30] that rates personality traits on a

[5:32] numeric scale. You might think that

[5:34] seems so subjective. How can you rank

[5:37] personality traits? Well, it turns out

[5:38] people have been doing that for a very

[5:40] long time. More on that in a second.

[5:42] What he was most keen to know was my

[5:45] extraversion score where extraversion is

[5:47] one element of somebody's personality.

[5:50] He wanted to see if the test was

[5:52] accurate and and because he had just

[5:54] taken it. He had scored at the 15th

[5:57] percentile for extroversion. That meant

[5:59] he's an introvert obviously. So

[6:01] extroversion 0 to 100. 15th percentile

[6:04] means that you're at the lower end and

[6:05] that means you're more introverted than

[6:07] extroverted because they're opposite

[6:08] constructs in this particular scale. He

[6:11] wanted to know if that was accurate by

[6:13] having me take it as well as the most

[6:15] extroverted person that he knew. Like

[6:18] it's kind of a dubious distinction. It's

[6:20] it's not a flex, my friends, even if it

[6:22] is a fact. If you want to know about how

[6:24] to look at the markers, the and the and

[6:27] the the the percentages and the the

[6:29] metrics on this, I'm going to I'll throw

[6:31] something into the show notes. This is

[6:34] an article from Psychological Assessment

[6:36] from um from Lewis Goldberg from 1992.

[6:39] This is a classic article called the

[6:40] development of markers for the big five

[6:43] factor structure. In other words, is how

[6:44] can you numerically measure um

[6:46] personality if you're interested in

[6:48] that? So, I took the test and sure

[6:50] enough, I scored the 96th percentile,

[6:52] which means that some freakish 4% of the

[6:55] of the population is actually more

[6:57] extroverted than me. Um, but that kind

[6:59] of makes sense. I I know I'm a very

[7:00] extroverted guy. Um, when I was a kid,

[7:03] for example, you know, we had both

[7:05] extroverts and introverts in my family.

[7:07] We were a family of four, me and my

[7:08] brother and my parents. And my dad and

[7:10] my brother were less extroverted. My

[7:12] mother and I were more extroverted. And

[7:13] and I remember when my brother and I

[7:15] were sitting in the backseat of the car

[7:16] and my brother was talking to my dad, my

[7:18] dad would say, "I can't hear you." And

[7:20] when I was talking, he said, "Keep your

[7:21] voice down." Um, and that's a classic

[7:23] kind of way that little kids will

[7:25] express their extroversion or

[7:27] introversion with respect to the tamber

[7:29] and tone and and volume of their voices.

[7:31] Anyway, so I get back that 96th

[7:33] percentile and I sent it to my friend in

[7:35] the 15th percentile. He says, "Yep,

[7:36] that's that's I know it's accurate now."

[7:38] But then he said something else really

[7:40] struck me. He said, "Lucky you." I said,

[7:42] 'Why? Why, lucky me? And he said,

[7:45] 'Because extroverts are a lot happier

[7:47] than introverts.' Well, he was kind of

[7:50] right. It turns out extroverts are not a

[7:52] lot happier. Extroverts are a little

[7:54] happier on average. Decades of research

[7:57] have shown that extroverts have a

[7:59] significant,

[8:01] by that I mean statistically

[8:02] significant, not a large happiness edge,

[8:04] but one that does show up in in the data

[8:06] consistently um over introverts. Not

[8:09] only do they have sort of more intense

[8:11] periods of of well-being, but their

[8:14] general well-being is punctuated by

[8:16] frequent moments of joy. And so I want

[8:19] to talk about why that is, but I also

[8:21] want to talk about the cases in which

[8:22] introverts can be happier than

[8:24] extroverts and what both can learn from

[8:27] each other. It's not a huge difference.

[8:29] And so if you're watching this and

[8:31] you're an introvert, I'm not dumping on

[8:32] introverts. On the contrary, I'm going

[8:33] to talk about ways that they have very

[8:35] very special gifts which when developed

[8:39] properly can give them a happiness edge

[8:42] and ways in which in my own family I've

[8:44] learned from introverts that has given

[8:46] me a a lot more happiness than I

[8:48] otherwise always would have had. And I

[8:50] want to talk about what to know about

[8:52] personality science in general. What can

[8:54] you actually use? Now here's the point.

[8:57] Um people often think my personality is

[8:59] my personality. It is what it is. Yeah,

[9:01] you have a genetic baseline for sure. I

[9:04] mean, almost all of the identical twins

[9:06] studies where identical twins through a

[9:09] series of weird circumstances, these

[9:10] were not evil experiments. They just

[9:12] kind of happened naturally were

[9:14] separated at birth and adopted into

[9:16] separate families and then reunited as

[9:18] adults and given personality tests.

[9:20] Because if you get a bunch of

[9:21] 40-year-olds who didn't know they had

[9:23] identical twins all together, you're

[9:25] going to have nerds like me with white

[9:26] lab coats and clipboards following them

[9:28] around asking them questions. Trust me,

[9:30] this isn't a near ideal set of quasa

[9:32] experimental circumstances to get a

[9:34] whole bunch of data. And so, sure

[9:36] enough, I mean, I've never actually

[9:38] directly participated in these things

[9:39] because these things were done a long

[9:40] time ago, but what they found was that

[9:42] between 40 and 80% of the variance in

[9:46] people's personalities is explained by

[9:48] genetics. Okay, so that's a lot, right?

[9:50] That really and that that is significant

[9:52] and that includes extraversion. Well, I

[9:55] want to talk about that a little bit,

[9:56] but I also want to make the case and the

[9:58] reason I'm doing this episode is because

[10:00] you can change your personality or at

[10:02] least you can intervene in your

[10:04] personality with your behavior. If it's

[10:06] 40 to 80% that, you know, that's the

[10:09] variance is explained by genetics, that

[10:11] means there's there's 20 to, you know,

[10:14] 20 to 60% that's not. And that means

[10:17] you've got significant control over the

[10:19] expression of your genes, uh the

[10:21] expression of your personality, even if

[10:23] it does have this big genetic component.

[10:25] So how do you do that? That's what I

[10:26] really want to talk about. And how can

[10:28] you do it in such a way that you

[10:29] actually get happier? Okay, let's back

[10:30] up a little bit and talk about this

[10:32] fascinating field of personality per se.

[10:36] We always use the word, you know, my

[10:38] personality, your personality. I don't

[10:39] like her personality. I think he's got a

[10:41] beautiful personality. Whatever it

[10:42] happens to be. What do we mean by that?

[10:44] And that gets us back to the work,

[10:47] believe it or not, of Carl Jung. Almost

[10:49] everybody who's watching this knows the

[10:50] work of Carl Jung. You wouldn't be a

[10:52] follower of office hours if you didn't

[10:54] know some of the, you know, some of the

[10:55] the the goats in in our field. And Carl

[10:58] Young, the Swiss psychiatrist, student

[11:00] colleague of Sigman Freud, who later

[11:03] broke with Freud because he thought that

[11:04] Freud's many of his theories were were

[11:06] were um unfounded or at least uh they

[11:09] didn't go far enough in directions that

[11:10] he wanted to go. Carl Jung was one of

[11:13] the first people to study the whole

[11:15] concept of the unique personality that

[11:17] people have. And this is the early part

[11:19] of the 20th century. So it's not that

[11:21] old. It's only a little over 100 years

[11:23] uh ago that people really started

[11:25] talking about the personality of human

[11:26] beings like we do. And by the way, we

[11:29] even use that the concept of personality

[11:31] when we talk about our dogs or horses or

[11:33] you know my cat has a funny personality.

[11:35] That's a very anthropomorphic idea and

[11:38] yet it's real. You can tell the

[11:40] difference between two dogs

[11:41] personalities. And there are people who

[11:43] do sort of animal psychology who try to

[11:46] measure that. Not nearly as much as

[11:48] people. We're going to talk about people

[11:49] here, not about dogs. I love dogs.

[11:51] They're the best people. But you get my

[11:52] point. But what Jung the way he weighed

[11:55] into this concept was really that that

[11:58] first aspect of personality, which is

[12:01] extroversion versus introversion. He was

[12:02] the one who first really talked about

[12:04] introverts and extroverts as this binary

[12:07] kind of switch that people have. He's

[12:10] the the the author of that very concept

[12:13] and those words they were first

[12:14] popularized by him um in 1921 as a

[12:18] matter of fact. And and you know he

[12:20] talked about it in a way that you know

[12:22] introverts they seek to establish

[12:24] autonomy and independence. Extroverts uh

[12:28] they they're not so keen on those

[12:30] things. They're not trying to establish

[12:31] autonomy and independence. What they're

[12:33] trying to do is to establish community

[12:35] and and and reach out all the time and

[12:37] their sources of happiness are are

[12:38] fundamentally different. Extroverts seek

[12:40] to seek union with others and and

[12:43] there's a whole lot written about that.

[12:46] But let me let me expand the concept of

[12:48] personality a little bit to how it

[12:50] developed over the over the next few

[12:52] decades. Personality as we came to

[12:55] understand it a little bit later largely

[12:57] through the work of the German

[12:59] psychologist Hans Isync expanded from

[13:02] introversion and extroversion to a

[13:04] fivefactor model. We as human beings and

[13:08] I've talked about it very briefly on the

[13:10] show before so you might remember me

[13:12] referring to these ideas in the past.

[13:14] The the human personality has five

[13:16] elements to it that we can measure and

[13:18] there's a whole series of statistical

[13:20] methods to actually do this. This wasn't

[13:22] just made up by some self-improvement

[13:24] author. This is largely a method that

[13:27] that comes from something called factor

[13:29] analysis or principal components

[13:31] analysis, a statistical technique in

[13:33] which you take a a huge battery of

[13:35] questions and you let the data decide

[13:37] what the the the individual elements

[13:39] that are popping out of the the the

[13:41] answers to the questions actually are.

[13:42] It's a it's a you you can Google it if

[13:45] you want factor analysis and you can

[13:46] learn more or less how it works. But

[13:48] it's a very robust technique for

[13:50] figuring out what the elements of

[13:51] something actually are statistically.

[13:53] And what they found is that the human

[13:54] personality has five dimensions to it.

[13:57] Now this can be easily remembered using

[13:59] the acronym ocean. Okay? O C A N because

[14:03] each one of the elements starts with one

[14:04] of those letters. Obviously that's how

[14:06] acronyms work. The O is openness to

[14:08] experience. This is a very distinct

[14:10] personality characteristic. Some people

[14:11] it's like don't give me don't give me

[14:13] anything new. They want to go to the

[14:15] beach every year on vacation. They want

[14:17] to watch the same shows on television.

[14:19] When they go to their favorite

[14:20] restaurant, they are always order the

[14:21] same dish. You know, they like to go to

[14:23] bed at the same time every night. They

[14:25] like to see their friends. They're not

[14:27] super open to these new kinds of

[14:28] experiences. These are the people you go

[14:30] to them and you say, "What do you say?

[14:31] Let's try skydiving." They're like,

[14:32] "What are you crazy? Why would I even

[14:34] want to do that? Like, I've got my

[14:36] routines. I've got the things that I

[14:38] actually like." Other people are just

[14:40] they're junkies for new I for for new

[14:42] experiences. They they love the newness

[14:45] they have. what many psychologists would

[14:47] call neopilia, the love of new things.

[14:50] They like, you know, new kinds of art

[14:53] and feeling new ways. Now, neopilics,

[14:56] they they it's it's great, right? I

[14:58] mean, it's great. It's the spice of

[14:59] life, but also it has a downside.

[15:01] Neopilics, they tend to experiment with

[15:02] drugs and alcohol. They tend to have

[15:04] more sexual partners. You get the point.

[15:06] And which can lead to all sorts of

[15:08] trouble in their lives. So, you know,

[15:10] everything has got a good side to bad

[15:12] side is what it comes down to. But

[15:14] that's number one is openness to

[15:15] experience as a personality dimension.

[15:17] That's the O. C is conscientiousness.

[15:21] Conscientious people live up to their

[15:23] word. If they their word is their bond,

[15:26] as they say, um these days and and

[15:28] conscientious people, well, they tend to

[15:30] be older. One of the things about

[15:32] personality that's most interesting is

[15:33] how it changes. And people get more

[15:36] conscientious as they age. One of the

[15:38] reasons for this is that they realize

[15:40] that being not conscientious, being

[15:43] unreliable, for example, that that

[15:45] actually is bad for them. People don't

[15:47] like hanging out with non-concientious

[15:49] people. People who don't show up when

[15:50] they say they're going to show up,

[15:51] people who don't do what they say

[15:52] they're going to do. And so, they

[15:53] actually become more conscientious as a

[15:55] matter of living a better life, but also

[15:57] because they want to be better people.

[15:58] Now, some people are just naturally more

[15:59] conscientious than others. It's about

[16:02] 50% explained genetically and and and

[16:05] you know people like that even little

[16:06] kids who are just always can count on

[16:08] them. They're just conscientious people.

[16:11] Three or the third one the E is

[16:14] extroversion. That's the one that we've

[16:15] been talking about. And and I

[16:17] introversion doesn't get its own letter

[16:19] because it's the opposite of

[16:20] extroversion in this particular

[16:21] construct in the way that we're talking

[16:22] about it. Extroversion is this idea of

[16:24] wanting to be in union with others being

[16:26] highly social. Extroversion has has two

[16:30] sub elements to it. Two subp particles

[16:33] you could say. They're gregariousness

[16:35] and assertiveness. To be extroverted

[16:38] means you're gregarious. You're super

[16:39] outgoing. You want to be with people,

[16:41] but you also say what you think. That's

[16:43] the difference between gregariousness

[16:45] and assertiveness. And here's the

[16:46] interesting thing. As people get older,

[16:49] one of them actually declines and the

[16:51] other increases. So gregariousness tends

[16:54] to fall as people get into their 50s and

[16:56] 60s and especially 70s and 80s. They

[16:58] become less likely to want to go to that

[17:00] party and stay out late. You know,

[17:02] they're more likely to say, "What time

[17:04] is it over? Ah, I don't think I'm

[17:06] going." But they tend to become more

[17:08] assertive. You know, I tell you, I'm 62

[17:10] years old and when I was 32, I you know,

[17:13] they gave me French fries instead of

[17:14] mashed potatoes um accidentally in the

[17:17] restaurant. I'd be like, "Okay." And now

[17:19] I'm like, "Life is short. I asked for

[17:21] mashed potatoes. I'm not going to be a

[17:23] jerk about it because I'm trying to, you

[17:24] know, get the next element of

[17:26] personality I'll tell you about as I get

[17:28] older, but it's I am more assertive than

[17:31] I certainly was in the past. So,

[17:33] gregariousness as an aspect of

[17:35] extroversion tends to go down as you get

[17:37] older and assertiveness tends to go up.

[17:40] That's E. A is agreeableness. That's the

[17:44] one that I really want to I want to have

[17:46] higher. That's one of the reasons that

[17:47] when I send my my French fries back, I'm

[17:50] not being a jerk about it. Because I

[17:51] want to be agreeable in no small part

[17:53] because I've learned through bitter

[17:55] experience in my life that when I'm

[17:56] disagreeable, I don't get what I want.

[17:58] Right? I try to be more agreeable with

[18:00] my family. I try to be more agreeable

[18:01] with my friends and certainly more

[18:03] agreeable with service personnel in my

[18:05] life. Also, I want to be a good person

[18:07] because I through conscientiousness, I

[18:09] want to be more agreeable. But I've also

[18:10] figured out that that's an effective

[18:12] strategy for leading a better life.

[18:14] Agreeableness does tend to rise as you

[18:16] age. And agreeableness is just what it

[18:18] sounds like. It's somebody you don't

[18:19] agree on everything, but you're you're

[18:21] not disagreeable when you disagree is

[18:24] what it comes down to. A lot in there,

[18:25] but you get my point. That's a last but

[18:28] not least is N. And N is a tricky one

[18:30] because that's neuroticism. That's a

[18:32] very Freudian term to be neurotic.

[18:35] Largely what it means today is to suffer

[18:36] from mood disorders. Um either

[18:38] subclinally or clinically. The mood

[18:40] disorders we'd largely talk about are

[18:42] generalized anxiety and and and and and

[18:45] depression. You know, sort of melancholy

[18:48] is what Sigman Freud would have talked

[18:50] about how you would have talked about

[18:52] it. And and of course these are big

[18:54] these are a big deal today um since 2008

[18:56] or so. Clinical depression particularly

[18:58] among people under 35 has tripled.

[19:00] Generalized anxiety has doubled. I mean

[19:02] these are the scourge of our times. And

[19:03] if you've been listening to my show you

[19:04] know exactly how I talk about this. The

[19:07] truth is that we use our brains wrong

[19:09] largely with the interface of technology

[19:11] into our lives. I'm very very glad that

[19:13] you're watching or you're listening to

[19:14] this podcast right now. But you need

[19:16] plenty of time in your life when you're

[19:17] not watching this or listening to

[19:18] podcasts and certainly not letting the

[19:20] algorithms just feed you stuff all the

[19:22] time, especially shorts. What that does

[19:25] is it makes you your brain work in such

[19:27] a way that you you don't even assess or

[19:29] think about questions of meaning in your

[19:31] life. And that tends to make you more

[19:33] depressed, anxious, and lonely. So

[19:35] neuroticism

[19:37] which has always existed. There have

[19:38] always been people who are anxious and

[19:39] and depressed is something that that is

[19:42] dramatically deleterious for human

[19:44] happiness and well-being, life

[19:45] satisfaction obviously, but they're

[19:47] increasing. People are becoming more

[19:49] neurotic. And there's a ton of

[19:51] interesting studies on this that show

[19:53] that people under 35 have become

[19:55] significantly higher on the neuroticism

[19:58] on the end dimension of the big five

[20:00] factor personality traits than they've

[20:02] been in the past. This especially

[20:05] exploded not just after 2008 but during

[20:07] COVID which compounded all the problems

[20:09] through loneliness and isolation for

[20:11] everybody by the way. For people my age

[20:13] but also if you're in your 20s for

[20:14] people your age the problem is that for

[20:16] people in their 20s it didn't snap back

[20:18] whereas for people my age it did.

[20:20] Neuroticism came back to its baseline

[20:22] largely and it didn't for people who are

[20:24] younger. So this is a significant area

[20:26] of concern and something that I'm I'm

[20:27] looking at a lot as are a lot of

[20:29] behavioral scientists because we want to

[20:30] make this better. Okay. So, those are

[20:33] the personality dimensions. I'll put a

[20:35] um I'll put some a a link to the Jung

[20:38] 1921

[20:39] research in there in case you're looking

[20:40] at it. And once again, the the article

[20:42] that I referred to before by Lewis

[20:44] Goldberg, the classic 1992 article on

[20:46] the personality dimensions, that's

[20:47] already in the show notes, so you can

[20:49] read more about that. Now the the person

[20:51] who really popularized these in the

[20:53] 1960s was that German psychologist Hans

[20:56] I think that I talked about before and

[20:58] Hans I think was um as he developed this

[21:01] five factor model he strongly believed

[21:04] that that there was kind of a

[21:05] neuroscientific dimension there's a

[21:07] neurobiological reason for all of this

[21:10] stuff which kind of makes sense given

[21:11] the fact that we found that you know

[21:13] this that these aspects are explained at

[21:16] about you know the 40 to 80% level by

[21:18] genetics. the difference between people

[21:19] is explained a lot by genetics. So you'd

[21:21] think that there'd be a structural

[21:22] explanation that we'd be able to find in

[21:24] the brain. I think believed very

[21:26] strongly that that for example in the

[21:28] case of extraversion which we're

[21:29] focusing on here it came from cortical

[21:31] arousal that is the brain's level of

[21:34] alertness. Some people just genetically

[21:36] have you know a higher level of

[21:38] alertness. And furthermore he found that

[21:41] it was harder for some people to

[21:43] maintain cortical arousal sufficient to

[21:45] be successful than others. that some

[21:48] people they were just not naturally that

[21:51] alert. And here's the interesting part.

[21:53] He believed that extroverts tended to be

[21:55] low in cortical arousal. They tended to

[21:57] be less alert. That's the opposite of

[21:59] what I I presume you thought I was going

[22:01] to say, but it's going to make sense in

[22:03] a second. He thought that maintaining a

[22:07] level sufficient sufficiently high level

[22:10] of alertness to function properly was

[22:12] more difficult for extroverts than

[22:13] introverts. So extroverts have to seek

[22:15] the stimulation from others that

[22:17] introverts have an endogenous alertness.

[22:20] So they don't need to be talking to

[22:23] other people all the time and and

[22:24] interacting with people so much. Whereas

[22:26] extroverts are not as alert as much that

[22:29] cortical arousal is actually inhibiting

[22:31] their performances. So they actually

[22:32] need to get more alertness. And the way

[22:34] that they do that is by interacting more

[22:36] with others. That was observation based

[22:38] on data and and it it has some empirical

[22:41] backing as a matter of fact. Um,

[22:44] furthermore, he believed that extroverts

[22:46] tend to be more reward focused,

[22:48] especially when it comes to social

[22:49] stimulation, whereas introverts tend to

[22:51] rely more on internal processing and

[22:53] reflection. Those are two ideas that are

[22:55] obviously pretty similar. I'll put 1960s

[22:59] research in here, um, on intelligence

[23:01] assessment, etc., and also just how more

[23:05] recent work has evaluated the legitimacy

[23:08] of this research. Mitchell and Kumari

[23:10] 2016 about Hans I think's interface

[23:13] between the brain and personality modern

[23:16] evidence from cognitive neuroscience

[23:18] that's in personality to individual

[23:19] differences which is a great journal

[23:21] highly reputable I'll put in a couple of

[23:23] more references on that if you're

[23:24] interested in that I know some of you

[23:25] really are okay so what about happiness

[23:28] okay so that explains you know why some

[23:30] people it potentially explains why some

[23:32] people are just more extroverted than

[23:34] others but what about the the fact that

[23:36] we find in the research that that

[23:39] extroverts tend to have a happiness

[23:40] edge. Why do they tend to be a little

[23:43] bit happier? This kind of blends

[23:45] together a bunch of psychological

[23:46] theories, but here's the typical

[23:47] explanation for why that is the case.

[23:49] Humans, we know, are inherently social

[23:51] animals. You've heard me go on and on

[23:53] about the fact that we are a a

[23:55] hierarchical kinbased pack tropical

[23:58] species. Homo sapiens are. And our

[24:01] brains are suited to live in bands of 30

[24:04] to 50 individuals that have to be really

[24:06] together to survive, to pass on our

[24:08] genes, and to survive. We have to know

[24:10] our kin and be close to our kin and be

[24:12] highly social with our kin. We're like

[24:14] wolves in this way. We're like many many

[24:17] other pack animals. We we have to be

[24:19] together. So that being the case, um

[24:22] that that we are inherently social

[24:24] animals and that contact actually gives

[24:26] us a sense of satisfaction. Extroverts

[24:29] who seek out contact to get this

[24:31] cortical stimulation, they're going to

[24:33] be happier as a result of doing this

[24:35] thing. We're [snorts] highly rewarded

[24:38] for being social. We get a happiness

[24:40] reward for being social. Okay, part one.

[24:43] Part two. Extroverts look for the

[24:46] stimulus because their brain needs it.

[24:48] Airgo when they try to go get that thing

[24:50] that their brain needs. They get happier

[24:53] naturally. That's the whole idea that

[24:55] they're social. Being social makes you

[24:56] happy. Extroverts love people and so by

[25:00] doing what they naturally want to do,

[25:02] they become happier than introverts.

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[26:09] The fact that introverts prefer solitude

[26:11] and struggle with sociability doesn't

[26:13] mean that avoiding contact makes them

[26:16] happier. And this is an interesting

[26:17] thing. So you might say, okay, so

[26:19] extroverts, they're happier because

[26:21] they're in contact with others. So

[26:23] therefore, introverts must be happier

[26:24] when they're not in contact with others.

[26:26] This absolutely the case. And and this

[26:28] is the argument that that psychologists

[26:30] have always made that being an introvert

[26:32] and avoiding people is an example of

[26:35] meeting a need, but that that need not

[26:38] bringing you happiness. We do this all

[26:40] the time. We do all kinds of things here

[26:42] that that that meet a need in our life

[26:44] or a perceived need in our life that

[26:46] actually make us less happy because once

[26:47] again, mother nature doesn't care if

[26:48] you're happy. Like we have to be

[26:50] responsible for that, not just following

[26:52] our animal impulses. All right. Now,

[26:54] there are other reasons, more

[26:56] contemporary reasons than all of this. I

[26:57] mean, I realize that some of that was

[26:58] relatively esoteric, but but there are

[27:00] other more common sense reasons why you

[27:03] would find in the literature that

[27:04] natural extroverts tend to be a little

[27:06] bit happier than natural introverts. To

[27:09] begin with, extraversion in American

[27:11] society in particular is hugely

[27:13] rewarded, much much less so in other

[27:15] societies. By the way, in East Asia, for

[27:17] example, American style extraversion is

[27:20] is considered to be really weird and and

[27:23] it makes people extremely uncomfortable.

[27:25] As a matter of fact, I mean, if you go

[27:27] out to dinner with a bunch of your

[27:28] friends in East Asia and you start

[27:30] talking about, you know, personal issues

[27:32] in your life, it's it's not going to be

[27:34] rewarded. That's more of an American

[27:36] thing. It's also more of a Latin

[27:37] American thing. I spend a lot of time as

[27:40] some of you know in Spain because my

[27:42] wife is Spanish and so we spend we've

[27:44] lived off and on in Barcelona for the

[27:45] past 35 years and when we're there I

[27:47] mean it's like it's extroversion it's

[27:49] like 10 whereas it's less than that in

[27:52] the United States relatively speaking

[27:54] it's a far more extroverted place and

[27:56] the result is that that you can have

[27:58] conversations that you never would. I

[27:59] mean, I I um I recounted in one of my

[28:02] columns some time ago about a a

[28:04] wonderful dinner that my wife and I had

[28:05] with complete strangers in Madrid last

[28:07] year, and within 15 minutes, the hostess

[28:11] at this dinner, eight couples, we didn't

[28:14] know them. Um she said, "You know, I

[28:17] meant to ask all of you, what's the

[28:19] closest you all came to getting a

[28:20] divorce?" And it's like, strangers.

[28:23] Gulp. I mean, that would make people

[28:24] uncomfortable in the United States. It

[28:25] would make people, you know, run

[28:27] screaming from the room in Japan

[28:29] probably. But in Spain, it's like, ah,

[28:31] interesting conversation. Go deep or go

[28:32] home, man. And that's that's that's

[28:34] based on this naturally highly

[28:35] extroverted culture. In the United

[28:37] States, it's rewarded not just socially,

[28:40] it's rewarded economically. Extroverts

[28:42] make up a lot more money. There's an

[28:44] interesting study that shows that

[28:45] extroverts make about $12,000 more per

[28:48] year than extroverts, which at a general

[28:50] level is like that's no joke. When the

[28:52] average family of four in the United

[28:54] States makes about $75,000 a year,

[28:56] that's that's very significant. That's

[28:58] almost a 20% differential in what the

[29:00] average family is going to make. As a

[29:02] matter of fact, they also extroverts,

[29:03] they tend to attain other advantages in

[29:05] the workplace such as promotions to

[29:07] leadership positions and high

[29:08] performance evaluations. And there's a

[29:10] ton of studies on that. There's one from

[29:12] the journal of applied psychology I'll

[29:13] put in the notes called extroversion

[29:15] advantages at work, a quantitative

[29:17] review and synthesis of the meta

[29:18] metaanalytic evidence. Yeah, you got to

[29:21] see this because, you know, it turns out

[29:22] they'll be really rewarded. Now, I've

[29:24] seen it o o over the course of my

[29:26] career, not in my case, but you know,

[29:28] I've taught at business schools for a

[29:30] long time. I go back teaching at

[29:31] business schools for 30 years, and

[29:33] business schools, they love extroverts.

[29:36] I mean, you know, I I've taught classes

[29:39] where the the grading criteria involved

[29:43] uh class participation up to 50% of the

[29:45] grade. I've seen classes that are 70% of

[29:48] the grade are class participation and

[29:49] that's just like a root canal for for

[29:52] introverts putting your hand up and just

[29:54] going blah blah blah blah for the sake

[29:56] of the blah blah blah because you want

[29:57] to get your grade up. Now, when I taught

[29:59] my classes, I tried very despite my

[30:01] extraversion because I'd be the guy like

[30:04] this all the time. Again, not a flex,

[30:07] but I I didn't want to reward that in

[30:08] the same way because, you know, being a

[30:10] behavioral scientist, I got the data. I

[30:12] don't want to unduly penalize people who

[30:14] just happen to be natural introverts.

[30:16] So, I would give them all different ways

[30:18] to participate and I would make sure

[30:20] with my calling patterns for people who

[30:22] were not having their hands up that I

[30:23] would give them a particular opportunity

[30:26] at the beginning of class to get their

[30:27] comments in if they're getting counted,

[30:29] right? But most professors don't do that

[30:31] in business schools. It's like whoever

[30:33] got their hand up gets called on to get

[30:35] higher grades. This is an example of the

[30:37] advantages that we're actually talking

[30:38] about that quite frankly can be

[30:41] extremely unfair, but it's the law of

[30:44] the jungle. I mean, particularly when

[30:46] you're making your way into American

[30:47] culture. Very interesting book that

[30:50] talks about how unfair that is and how

[30:52] how inefficient that is. Is a very

[30:54] famous book. Maybe some of you already

[30:55] know about the the wonderful author

[30:57] Susan Kaine has the book Quiet, the

[31:00] power of introverts in a world that

[31:01] can't stop talking. You know, I know

[31:04] she's not big on extroverts like me. I

[31:06] get it. But it's a wonderful book and

[31:08] it's really worth reading because she

[31:09] talks about examples of many wonderful

[31:13] things that have been created by

[31:14] introverts and you know theory of

[31:17] gravity you know Isaac Newton was an

[31:20] introvert Google was uh developed by

[31:23] introverts and she argues that admiring

[31:25] and rewarding extroversion isn't just

[31:26] unfair but it actually hinders progress

[31:28] and so we should do something about that

[31:30] it's it's actually that book has been

[31:32] influential among readers and it been

[31:33] influential with me too. I mean, one of

[31:35] the reasons that I watched my call

[31:36] patterns to not marginalize the

[31:38] introverts in my class is precisely

[31:40] because of Susan Kane's work and how

[31:42] important it is. So, if you ever feel

[31:44] disillusioned in the United States or

[31:47] any other place about our habit of

[31:49] elevating egotistical and charismatic

[31:52] leaders, you'll probably admit that

[31:54] Susan Kane has a point and that it's

[31:56] it's it's not just unfair, but it's kind

[31:58] of unwise for us to be marginalizing

[32:01] introverts or not paying attention to

[32:02] them. Okay, let's get to the really

[32:04] applied part of how this all comes

[32:05] about. I hope you found this

[32:06] interesting, but I want you to be able

[32:07] to use this as well. Whether you're an

[32:09] introvert or an extrovert, how can

[32:11] introverts

[32:13] increase their happiness? They're not

[32:15] going to change fundamentally their

[32:16] personalities. Now, now some introverts

[32:18] are are so skilled as thespians, like as

[32:22] actors, that they can put on

[32:24] extraversion all day long, but not when

[32:26] they come home. And one of the things

[32:28] that I talk about an awful a lot is

[32:30] happiness in relationships and how one

[32:32] of the big barriers to happiness in

[32:34] relationships is for people who can't

[32:35] feel like they can be themselves with

[32:36] their partners. You have to have your

[32:38] personality. Now again work on your

[32:41] neuroticism. Don't you know dump the

[32:42] garbage on your partner when you come

[32:44] home every day with your sadness and

[32:45] anxiety. I mean work to actually manage

[32:48] that especially with the people that you

[32:50] love the most. But you have to have a

[32:52] baseline of who you are. Otherwise

[32:53] you'll be uncomfortable and you'll never

[32:55] really be happy at home. How can

[32:56] introverts as introverts be happier

[32:59] people? And what can they learn from

[33:02] extroverts? And then what can extroverts

[33:05] learn from introverts? Because it turns

[33:06] out there's some very important things

[33:08] that they can learn that can lead to a

[33:10] lot greater happiness for everybody.

[33:13] Let's start with what introverts can

[33:14] learn from extroverts. Number one,

[33:16] introverts

[33:18] can get a lot happier not just by, you

[33:21] know, going and talking to strangers,

[33:22] although there is literature on that.

[33:25] Nick Epley at the University of Chicago

[33:27] U psychologist who does incredible work

[33:30] has talked about the fact that when

[33:31] people talk to strangers everybody gets

[33:34] happier. Now that's brutal for

[33:36] introverts for extroverts like yeah no

[33:37] kidding. I've always done that. You sit

[33:39] down in a plane next to an extrovert and

[33:41] you so where are you from and which

[33:43] might actually drive you crazy. What

[33:45] introverts can do however that isn't

[33:48] hard is to focus more on the future like

[33:51] extroverts do. Now, this is a tricky

[33:54] topic. Human beings have an incredible

[33:56] ability to travel time. There's three

[33:59] time zones inside your brain. They're

[34:01] called prospection, mindfulness, and

[34:04] retrospection. Retrospection, the last

[34:06] one, is thinking about the past.

[34:07] Mindfulness is thinking about right now,

[34:10] and and prospection is thinking about

[34:11] the future. You're probably anybody

[34:14] who's fan of this show knows about

[34:17] mindfulness meditation techniques. And

[34:19] what that is is this observation that

[34:21] that most homo sapiens, most of us, we

[34:24] don't spend enough time in the mindful

[34:26] present and and we kind of miss our

[34:28] lives. And there's all kinds of reasons

[34:29] that we should try to be more mindful.

[34:30] Philosophers and theologians have

[34:33] pointed out forever that you can only

[34:35] love in the present. You can't love in

[34:38] the future or love in the past. Loving

[34:39] happens right now. And if you want

[34:41] evidence of that, think about when

[34:43] you're with your beloved and when you're

[34:44] having the most intense experience of

[34:46] love. It's when you're sitting together

[34:48] locked in. It's not when you're sitting

[34:50] together thinking about tomorrow at

[34:52] work. That's not when you're expressing

[34:55] or receiving love. It's when you're

[34:57] together and looking into each other's

[34:58] eyes and being present right now. And

[35:00] so, so presentism,

[35:03] mindfulness is a very very important

[35:05] skill. Now, that said, one of the things

[35:07] that we also know as an element of

[35:10] happiness is prospection to the extent

[35:12] that you always have something to look

[35:13] forward to. You have something that

[35:15] gives you a sense of anticipation. Why?

[35:17] Because purpose which is a an element of

[35:20] meaning in our lives requires goals and

[35:22] direction and progress. Goals, direction

[35:24] and progress. You want to be a happier

[35:25] person, you need goals. You need a

[35:27] direction in life and you need to make

[35:29] progress toward those goals following

[35:30] that direction. That's a really

[35:32] important part of meaning. And meaning

[35:34] is an incredibly unreplaceable element

[35:36] of happiness. That's one of one of the

[35:38] things that I write the most about, as a

[35:40] matter of fact. And so the result of it

[35:42] is that you need to have something that

[35:44] you can look forward to. You have to

[35:46] have something that is this goal. Don't

[35:47] be insane about it. Don't be super

[35:50] attached to it, but you have to have

[35:52] something that gives you a sense of

[35:54] anticipation of reward. Extroverts

[35:56] always do that. Extroverts are great

[35:59] about thinking about future rewards,

[36:01] which is one of the sources of their of

[36:04] their happiness. There's a 2001 study,

[36:06] that's a 25-year-old study now, believe

[36:08] it or not, sorry to depress you, from

[36:10] Oxford University that broke a sample of

[36:12] survey respondents into four groups.

[36:14] Okay, here are the four groups. Happy

[36:16] extroverts, unhappy extroverts, smaller

[36:19] group, happy introverts, and unhappy

[36:22] introverts. Okay, now what are they

[36:23] really, really interested in? They're

[36:25] interested in what drove the happy

[36:28] introverts into higher well-being. Cuz

[36:31] you know, these are the out groupoups. I

[36:32] would also want to know why the

[36:34] extroverts were so unhappy in that

[36:36] group. But happy introverts, what were

[36:38] they doing differently than the unhappy

[36:40] introverts? That's what the the scholars

[36:41] were really into. And they found that

[36:44] they were doing something that

[36:45] extroverts do naturally, which they had

[36:47] a sense of optimism, a sense of life

[36:49] purpose, a sense of direction, a sense

[36:51] of goals, a sense of progress. That

[36:54] article came out in personality

[36:56] individual differences. Same journal I

[36:58] talked about a minute ago. It's called

[36:59] happiness introversion extroversion and

[37:01] happy introverts in the show notes of

[37:04] course. Now extroverts do this

[37:06] naturally. They think about the future

[37:07] and they they dream about the future

[37:09] naturally. They love to talk to people

[37:11] about the future. They talk about their

[37:13] dreams. They talk about life's purpose.

[37:14] They talk about it all the time. This is

[37:16] what I talk about with my kids a lot.

[37:18] Not mine, theirs because they got a much

[37:21] bigger future than I do. We tend to act

[37:24] according to the commitments that we've

[37:25] articulated to others. And the result of

[37:27] it is that when extroverts when they

[37:29] express their thoughts and hopes and

[37:31] dreams to others and over the course of

[37:34] their extroversion and sociability,

[37:36] their gregariousness

[37:38] that they tend to live according to

[37:41] these dreams. They tend to follow these

[37:42] goals. They tend to take that trajectory

[37:46] and that's one of the secrets to their

[37:47] great happiness. What do happy

[37:50] introverts do? Here's the answer from

[37:52] that research. Happy introverts have

[37:54] figured out a way to envision the future

[37:57] without all of the uncomfortable

[37:59] personal sharing with other people. In

[38:00] other words, they envision the future.

[38:02] They think about the future such that

[38:04] they can, I guess, in the in the new age

[38:06] world, you'd say, manifest that. I've

[38:08] written a lot about manifesting. It

[38:09] actually doesn't come from from turning

[38:11] the gears in the universe that I'm aware

[38:13] of. What it does is it turns the gears

[38:14] in your head. It makes you behave a

[38:16] little bit differently subconsciously.

[38:18] So when introverts not blah blah blah

[38:21] blah blah about their future to

[38:23] everybody, but when they think think

[38:25] about their future, when they're more

[38:26] future oriented, without marginalizing

[38:29] the mindful present, when they do that,

[38:31] they tend to manifest that better future

[38:34] and that's what makes them happier.

[38:37] There's another thing that introverts

[38:38] naturally do, which gets me to my second

[38:40] point on how extroverts can actually

[38:43] learn from introverts. There's one big

[38:45] skill that introverts have that

[38:47] extroverts don't which is deep deep deep

[38:50] friendship with just a few people. Now

[38:53] we have limited time and cognitive

[38:55] bandwidth in everything in work and play

[38:57] and studying and everything and also in

[39:01] friendship and so you can spread out the

[39:04] amount of friendship that you can

[39:06] cognitively manage among a few people or

[39:09] among a lot of people and know I see

[39:11] this a lot with my students and I even

[39:13] see this with my kids. Two of my kids

[39:15] are super extroverted like me and my

[39:17] wife. We're a family of dogs, but we

[39:20] have one daughter, our youngest child,

[39:22] and she's not a dog, she's a cat. She

[39:25] has one cat living with four dogs. And

[39:27] she's talk, she talks hilariously about

[39:28] it because she's an introvert and we're

[39:30] all extroverts. And she's like, it's

[39:31] just it's, you know, it's almost as if,

[39:34] here's her joke. It's almost as if we're

[39:36] not related, right? Cuz it turns out

[39:38] we're not genetically related. She's

[39:40] adopted. She I mean, she's so one of us

[39:42] and and in so many ways she understands

[39:44] me at such an unbelievably deep level.

[39:47] But the result is that we've come to

[39:48] appreciate her catness and she's come to

[39:51] appreciate our doggginess in a lot of

[39:54] ways. She also, you know, calls us out

[39:56] when we're being, you know, too loud or

[39:57] obnoxious to be sure. Keep it down in

[40:00] there, says my youngest daughter. But

[40:02] what she has an advantage of over the

[40:06] rest of us is that she's got usually a

[40:08] couple of really, really, really deep,

[40:10] close friendships. She's good at deep

[40:13] friendship in a way that, you know, it's

[40:15] harder for me. It's easier for me to be

[40:17] like fresh meat, you know? It's easier

[40:20] for me to like I want to be friends with

[40:21] everybody and she doesn't, which means

[40:25] that she partitions her friendship time

[40:28] and effort and and cognitive energy

[40:31] toward just a few people. And those are

[40:33] deep intimate relationships that bring a

[40:35] huge amount of satisfaction. So, so who

[40:38] do they talk about their futures with if

[40:40] not everybody who will listen? The

[40:42] answer is their few actual friends. They

[40:44] forge close friendships with people with

[40:46] whom they have nothing to gain as an

[40:49] intense source of their satisfaction.

[40:51] Okay. Now that turns out to be hard for

[40:53] extroverts because they want new new

[40:55] new. They're extroverts also tend to be

[40:58] highly open in experience in in appetite

[41:01] for experience. They tend to be

[41:02] neopilic. But when they actually will

[41:05] deepen their friendships and focus on

[41:07] fewer as opposed to more, extroverts can

[41:10] get a lot happier as well. So, how do

[41:13] you do that? If you're an extrovert and

[41:15] don't know how to begin, you should just

[41:16] watch a happy introvert do it. You know,

[41:19] I learned to do that by actually

[41:21] watching my wife. And I'm a much better

[41:23] friend. And here's a side note before I

[41:25] get to a couple of things, a couple of

[41:27] pieces of homework that I want to give

[41:28] you. Beyond the specifics of

[41:31] introversion and extroversion, there's

[41:32] one important lesson in all this.

[41:34] Watching and learning from people very

[41:37] different from you is a great way to be

[41:39] happier. So, what have I just told you?

[41:41] The introverts can get happier by

[41:43] watching extroverts and behaving like

[41:44] them. And extroverts can get even

[41:46] happier by looking at introverts and

[41:48] behaving like them. But that's just

[41:49] generally true across personality and

[41:52] across different aspects of human life.

[41:56] Happiness actually will come to you when

[41:59] you embrace human diversity of all types

[42:01] and appreciate that diversity from

[42:03] culture to character even to politics.

[42:06] As a matter of fact, one of the things

[42:07] is that's so threatening to so many

[42:09] people in modern life today is like, if

[42:11] you disagree with me, I'm not going to

[42:12] date you. I'm not going to hang out with

[42:13] you. If you voted for that guy, whoever

[42:17] that guy is, I'm not going to specify it

[42:19] doesn't really matter. It means that

[42:20] you're morally reprobate. And what you

[42:22] find is when people relax that and say,

[42:24] I'm really really interested in people

[42:26] who have the what I consider to be

[42:28] extremely weird views, that they get

[42:30] much happier just by obser. Even if you

[42:34] don't take on these characteristics

[42:35] politically, I know you're not going to

[42:37] of somebody else. When you just observe

[42:39] it with an attitude of interest in the

[42:41] other person, you get much happier. The

[42:43] broad point is that observing other

[42:45] people non-judgmentally is one of the

[42:48] greatest happiness lessons that we can

[42:50] actually get for the happiest world.

[42:52] We're going to have cats and dogs, but

[42:53] cats need to watch the dogs and dogs

[42:56] need to watch the cats and we can learn

[42:57] from each other. Okay, here's my

[42:59] challenge for the week ahead. Here's my

[43:01] happiness homework for you. Number one,

[43:03] if you're an introvert, okay, for the

[43:05] introverts who are watching this show,

[43:07] take time this week to call an old

[43:09] friend with whom you'd like to

[43:10] reestablish some contact, right? Make a

[43:12] new friend. Again, I'm not going to ask

[43:13] you to call 50 friends, one friend that

[43:16] you want to establish contact with. This

[43:18] will harness your

[43:20] natural one-on-one power as an

[43:22] introvert. And what I want you to do

[43:25] when you're talking to that friend is to

[43:27] say,"I want to learn, you know, what's

[43:29] going on in your life and I want to tell

[43:31] you what's going on in mine and then

[43:33] talk about these hopes and dreams."

[43:36] Establish a new relationship. In other

[43:37] words, it's an a small act of

[43:39] extraversion within the context of your

[43:42] natural strengths. This is going to make

[43:45] you happier. That's your homework.

[43:47] Here's your homework. If you're an

[43:48] extrovert, I want you to focus on one

[43:51] friend in your life this week. I know

[43:53] you got a lot and you got a lot a big

[43:54] circle. Schedule a coffee or a lunch or

[43:58] a dinner with her or him in a one-on-one

[44:01] setting. Don't invite anybody else. Just

[44:03] that one-on-one person. Put your phone

[44:05] away. I mean, literally away, not even

[44:07] down on the table so that you're

[44:09] completely um undistracted from that

[44:12] particular person and you're

[44:13] uninterrupted

[44:15] by this as really an exciting adventure.

[44:18] Okay. and and and do this bilateral this

[44:21] diatic experience. And what you're going

[44:23] to find is that that's going to give you

[44:25] an enormous amount of sort of depth and

[44:27] satisfaction that you don't get from the

[44:29] ordinary experiences of your life. This

[44:32] is you practicing the power of

[44:34] introversion by focusing intently on one

[44:36] person at a time. So that's your

[44:39] homework if you're an extrovert. Okay,

[44:41] try that. Write in the show notes. Tell

[44:43] me how it goes. If you like more on

[44:45] this, on personality in particular, let

[44:48] me know. I would love to talk about

[44:49] agreeableness or conscientiousness or

[44:51] openness to experience. I'll talk more

[44:53] about neuroticism. I'll talk about all

[44:55] of it. I think personality is absolutely

[44:57] fascinating. So, if you do too, let me

[44:58] know and I'll be I'll do more shows,

[45:00] episodes like this. Let's do some

[45:02] questions before we finish. Sophia asks

[45:05] uh she writes into the email address.

[45:07] Does having a budget increase happiness

[45:09] while on vacation? I don't assume she

[45:12] means a budget of time. I assume she

[45:13] means a budget of money. Literally. Does

[45:15] having a budget or even being

[45:17] financially aware in general increase

[45:19] happiness? Okay, so there's been no

[45:20] studies that I'm aware of that talk

[45:22] about how constraining your budget on

[45:23] vacation and how it affects your

[45:25] happiness. My guess is that when you

[45:26] don't have enough money on vacation is

[45:28] not great, and that's probably pretty

[45:29] straightforward and maybe even trivial,

[45:31] but there are a couple of questions here

[45:33] that are really worth addressing. One of

[45:36] the things that we know is when people

[45:37] overspend on vacation, that's really

[45:39] bad. And one of the reasons is that

[45:41] getting behind the eightball financially

[45:43] is horrible for your happiness. And it's

[45:45] especially bad. The worst possible thing

[45:47] that you can do is to borrow money to go

[45:49] on vacation. That, my friends, is uh is

[45:52] is is regress with respect to happiness.

[45:55] Now, some of you will remember in

[45:57] episodes I've done in the past about how

[45:58] to use money to get happier. Buying

[46:01] stuff will not make you happier. Buying

[46:02] experiences with your family and

[46:05] friends, that's the vacation, will bring

[46:06] you happiness. Buying time and spending

[46:09] it with your family or friends, which

[46:10] you can be doing on vacation as well,

[46:12] will bring happiness. Giving your money

[46:13] away will bring happiness. And saving

[46:16] your money, getting ahead financially

[46:17] will bring you happiness because it

[46:19] gives you the sense of purpose and

[46:20] progress and goals and direction and

[46:22] some of the stuff I've talked about here

[46:24] today as a matter of fact. But on the

[46:27] other hand, going backwards with respect

[46:29] to saving, aka borrowing, especially for

[46:31] consumption. I've got the data on this.

[46:33] This is not just conjecture. The data

[46:35] are very clear. borrowing for

[46:37] consumption, including for vacation,

[46:40] will give you negative happiness, aka

[46:42] unhappiness. Don't do that. Okay? So, if

[46:45] you're living within a budget, fine. If

[46:48] that's the way it has to be, okay, don't

[46:50] break it because if you go into debt and

[46:52] you're running up your credit cards on

[46:53] vacation, you will have gone into the

[46:57] red numbers, not just financially, but

[46:59] with respect to your happiness as well.

[47:01] Second question here is from anonymous

[47:02] at office hours.com. I struggle with my

[47:05] relationship in my relationships with

[47:08] failure. How can I keep trying despite

[47:11] feeling discouraged by it? I hear this a

[47:12] lot from people in their 20s and I know

[47:15] people who are, you know, 25 years old

[47:16] who feel like they're a disaster with

[47:18] respect to relationships because

[47:19] nothing's ever worked out. Well, you're

[47:21] 25. Okay, easy for me to say at 62. So,

[47:24] I say that with appropriate humility. If

[47:26] you've had a few relationships not work

[47:28] out, I get it. You're going to start to

[47:30] wonder, is it ever going to happen for

[47:31] me? Let me give you one statistic. The

[47:33] average person before they find their

[47:35] soulmate, before they find the person

[47:38] that they're going to marry, they have

[47:39] five heartbreaks. That's the average,

[47:42] right? Your results may vary. You know,

[47:44] one of my kids

[47:46] fell in love for the first time and got

[47:48] engaged and got married, has an

[47:49] incredibly happy marriage, has kids.

[47:51] Good. Your number comes up. There are

[47:53] entrepreneurs who their first startup

[47:54] and boom, it goes to IPO in five years

[47:57] and they're billionaires. You know, my

[47:59] son's a billionaire, love and happiness

[48:00] on his first try. It's great. I mean

[48:02] it's actually because his wife is so

[48:03] awesome. But you know other people

[48:06] typically they don't have that

[48:07] experience. Some people you know the

[48:09] average is five meaning that there are

[48:10] people in the other tale where it's like

[48:12] 10. But that doesn't mean that it that

[48:14] they're a failure. On the contrary you

[48:17] know the same thing is true with startup

[48:19] businesses. This is a startup life. Your

[48:21] romance is the startup of your life and

[48:23] it requires reps and it requires

[48:26] experience and failure is generative in

[48:28] this particular way. The average startup

[48:30] entrepreneur in business has 3.8

[48:32] failures, almost four failures. Has four

[48:34] things that didn't work out before

[48:36] something that actually does. And they

[48:37] learn from each one of those. So the

[48:38] cycle is basically this. Try, fail,

[48:43] suffer, recover, try, fail, suffer,

[48:47] recover. I get it. You will heal. I

[48:50] mean, I've done a lot of work on

[48:51] heartbreak. I know the timing and you

[48:54] know how actually how grief works. I

[48:56] even know the part of the brain, the

[48:57] dorsal anterior singular cortex that is

[48:59] actually highly active when you're in

[49:00] the middle of a breakup. I get it.

[49:02] Brutal. Supposed to be brutal. But but

[49:04] but if you're having failure in your

[49:06] relationships, it means you're out there

[49:08] and it means you're actually trying. And

[49:09] that's good. It's not evidence of of

[49:12] you're doing something wrong. It's

[49:13] probably evidence that you're doing

[49:14] something right. Now, you can always get

[49:16] better at it. You can always be better

[49:18] at relationships, but that's the point

[49:19] of actually going through the cycle is

[49:21] getting better and learning from what

[49:23] went wrong the last time and making sure

[49:25] you don't you don't choose the same

[49:27] wrong person over and over and over

[49:29] again. So, anonymous, I struggle with

[49:31] relationships being a failure, you say.

[49:33] Yeah, you and a lot of other people stay

[49:35] in it. The fact that you're writing this

[49:37] and continuing to struggle with that is

[49:39] evidence that I strongly believe and I

[49:42] predict that permanent love is coming

[49:45] your way. Well, we're done, my friends.

[49:47] Let me know your thoughts by writing to

[49:49] me at the at the on the website at

[49:52] office hours.com. Leave comments,

[49:54] criticisms, any place you're watching or

[49:57] listening to this. We read them all and

[49:58] we love them. Like and subscribe. Please

[50:01] hit the subscribe and like buttons on

[50:03] Spotify, YouTube, Apple. Follow me on

[50:05] Instagram, on the social media

[50:07] platforms. I know social media has so

[50:08] many things we don't like about it, but

[50:10] it can be good for learning, and that's

[50:12] exactly what I'm trying to do with mine.

[50:14] Instagram, LinkedIn, X, Tik Tok,

[50:17] wherever your thing is, I'm probably

[50:18] there. If you're interested in in these

[50:20] topics and many more, please get my

[50:21] latest book, The Meaning of Your Life.

[50:24] Um, is still pretty new. Came out the

[50:26] end of March and it's still is still

[50:28] selling a lot of copies. Um, it's also

[50:30] now in, I think, 20 languages. We get a

[50:33] couple new languages every month. And,

[50:35] uh, I would love to hear what you've got

[50:36] to say about that as well. I hope you

[50:38] have a wonderful week, my friends. I'm

[50:40] looking forward to seeing you next week.

[50:41] Thank you for tuning in. Go love other

[50:43] people in your own way. Whether you're

[50:44] an extrovert or an introvert, that's

[50:46] what makes the world a better place. See

[50:48] you soon.